Becoming A Healing Partner to Fix What You’ve Broken

“I just want to get this over with. I want to fix what I’ve broken.” my client moaned.

I understood. We all kind of have the attitude: “If I have to do this, I just want to get it over with.”

I nodded and smiled at my client, then gently suggested: “I’d want to get it over with too if I were in your shoes. But it’s not about checking off a list of steps. It’s about preparing yourself to become a healing partner.”

(From my AA friend. “Stopping drinking is the goal. But drinking isn’t the problem. The problem is the thought processing that keeps convincing you, that you can keep doing what you’re doing that’s brought you to the point of wondering if you can keep doing what you’re doing. That’s POWERLESS brain processing that you’ve become. That’s the addiction you must humble yourself within yourself … to. As long you keep going to that sick processing, you’ll never heal and neither will anyone or anything in your life. You’ll remain a solo looping regret. To become a healing partner, you MUST honestly say … my thinking is broken.)

I could see he was restless … so I assured him: “I know this is outside of your comfort zone. But the great news is that the most powerful healing occurs when we are outside of our comfort zones!”

He looked at me as if I had just given him the world’s worst consolation prize!

He finally grinned as he confessed, “I think you’re inviting me to be a human ‘becoming’ … When my greatest gift is being a human ‘doing’ …”

We both laughed.

“So, tell me again that thing you said about healing partnership. What’s a healing partner?” he asked.

I’m never impatient when asked again and again what healing partners are, or what healing partnership is, because I know it’s a foreign concept.

But I also know it’s the key to the richest and most fulfilling of relationships.

“Healing partners are 2 people who’re fully committed to their relationship, their own personal growth/development, and the personal growth/development of their partner. They come alongside one another with a stance of zero negativity, full accountability … committed to noting the impact of their words, behavior, and decisions on the other person, and on the relationship. They’re present with one another and invest daily in the relationship.”

“At the risk of you throwing that box of Kleenex at me, I just have to ask: WHO DOES THAT? I mean it sounds good … and I want to become and do all of that. But does anyone really do it?” he asked with trepidation.

I smiled and acted as if I was reaching for the Kleenex box (now my Kleenex cartons sit inside wooden boxes that look like weathered wood – and they are HEAVY!

He put his hands out as if protecting his life as we both laughed.

“The truth is … too few couples are healing partners. And usually, the starting point for it is moments like this. They have hit a difficult moment, or sometimes a crisis … and they realize that they’ve lost the sweetness, the richness that their love once had. AND THEY LEARN HOW to become healing partners at that point!”

I waited, then responded again.

“It doesn’t come natural to any of us. But it can be learned. And it is effective 100% of the time,” I explained.

“Well, those are odds I can’t ignore!” my client proclaimed.

“Then let’s get you ready to become a healing partner!” I suggested.

“I know this will do something great for my marriage!” he commented.

And he was right!

I am hoping you will not wait till you’ve ‘broken’ something to become a healing partner.

I hope you will do it for your own sake, for your partner’s sake, for the marriage’s sake.

And to be a great example of healing partnership so that your children (whether young or adults) can have a model … making it more natural to them!

Here are the first 3 things I did with my client to help him prepare for healing partnership, and to be primed to fix what he’d broken.

As I said last week, most of us have “broken” something in another. Whether it be a broken promise, broken trust, or a broken heart.  We could all use some preparation for fixing what we’ve broken.

(From my AA friend. “Be patient with yourself … it’ll show. Your spouse is used to those slow builds to the reactionary drama, driven by the mood-altering effects of your drinking addiction. They know the drill by heart. Be patient and don’t expect any kind of different response from them. Be patient and expect nothing to change at first … just YOU change. Be patient and give any interaction a 5 second pause before all you respond. Be patient and make it a habit of allowing the difference they see become the decisions they make about you. Be patient … fake it till you make it.)     

1. Take ownership and seek to understand.

“Just so I don’t get in trouble here … exactly what does ‘taking ownership’ mean?” my client asked.

I responded: “For our purposes here … of becoming a healing partner … and fixing what you’ve broken … It means:

To take full ownership of what you’ve done.

Without any excuses, justifications, explanations, or blame-shifting.

To being accountable for how your choices/behaviors affected the other person.

Which means you must seek to understand.

How they felt.

How it affected them mentally, emotionally, spiritually.

Which means you must ask questions.

Listen carefully with compassion and empathy.

Reflect back to them to be sure you got it right.

Validate with what you’ve learned from them.

Empathize by guessing how they felt then … and feel now.

Finally, by seeking to understand what they need from you in order to heal (first) and then forgive.”

[Side note … in these situations, I tell the one who’s had something broken that you must make the decision to forgive immediately, but the process of forgiveness occurs on the journey].

“Well, I guess it’s a good thing I asked … because I had the general idea … but had no idea of the extent of what it meant,” my client admitted.

I understood, because we live in a season and in a culture where if people acknowledge in any way that they’ve broken something, they often think it suffices to say something like:

  • “I’m sorry that hurt you …” (As if what was broken came from some unknown place.)
  • “Oh, I only did that because you …” (As if hurting someone back makes it okay.)
  • “Oh, I didn’t realize you’d react to it that way … (As if being unaware – or obtuse- makes it acceptable).

“One of the key questions to ask as you seek to understand is: ‘Did I get that right’? Because until you see it from their perspective (although it may be very different than yours, or very different than what you intended) … healing of the relationship cannot occur,” I explained.

Later, I asked him to bring his wife in so that I could help him take ownership and seek to understand.

As is typical, what I just shared was a sticking point.

She was explaining what went through her mind, what it triggered, how she felt.

He would reflect back, and ask: “Did I get that right?”

Often, she’d say: “No.” Or “Not quite …”

Why? Because he would insert his thoughts about how she felt, his opinions about what she felt, etc.

Those have no place until there’s full ownership and healing has begun.

I’ll give you an example.

She shared with him how she felt the last time he’d come home late for an outing … intoxicated … and blamed her that he was drunk. 

She shared, “I was embarrassed because you were out front stumbling and yelling at me, and I knew the neighbors could see and hear.”

He reflected, “I’m sure the neighbors didn’t see or hear. But you were afraid they did. Did I get that right?”

She said, “No. Whether they heard or saw or not … I was embarrassed. Embarrassed that this keeps happening, and I keep letting it.”

(From my AA friend. “When we first stop drinking the obsession remains active in our brains. It’ll be one of your biggest challenges to not make self-pity a part of your first attempts at sober interactions with your spouse. This is part of our commitment to do ANYTHING to get well and if you aren’t willing to do that … you’ll keep using/drinking. Sobriety is all about doing, being, becoming … not attempting. Attempts are temporary but surrender is what adults do.)

He reflected, “So you think you’re a fool. Did I get that right?”

She corrected, “No … I am saying you embarrassed me! And you’ve done it many times.”

Finally, he was able to say to her: “I had no right or reason to blame you that I came home drunk. And being embarrassed is perfectly understandable. What did that feel like to you?”

-Now we were getting somewhere.

-It’s challenging to take full ownership and seek to understand. 

-But it is the foundational piece of being a healing partner.

-And a key component for healing to begin.

2. Settle in for the journey and understand that your participation and initiation of follow ups sets the tone and the speed of the healing process.

“I know! I know! I remember asking you how long it was going to take and wanting to get it over with. And I hear that that approach is all wrong!” he acknowledged.

He got silent and continued.

“Help me understand how to take on the right attitude.”

“It’s more than just adopting some sort of mantra. It’s about investing more than you’re comfortable investing,” I said.

I explained.

“It’s a position that shows:

I am here for the duration.

I will seek to understand until you say I got it right.

I will ask what you need and deliver on it until healing occurs.

I will check in on your healing progress regularly.

I will ask how I’m doing on my part.

I will ask what else I could be doing to help you heal.

I will initiate the follow up check-ins.

I will address whatever core issues in me would cause me to inadvertently break something in you.

I will report in on what I’m learning and how I’m growing to assure you I care enough to make changes and prevent recurrence.

I will care about your heart and demonstrate it daily with my words, choices, and behaviors.

I will not rush your healing process but am open to anything I can do to help.”

“Well, I already know what’s next,” he commented with a grin. “It’s time to address that line where you talked about core issues. That’s my unresolved trauma, right?”

With a laugh, I confirmed: “RIGHT ON!”

Then I validated him with this: “You ‘inadvertently’ break things in her because that’s what unresolved trauma drives us to do. It’s out of our awareness, but not out of the results of our interactions with those we love the most.”

(From my AA Friend. “Alcohol was not the problem it was my solution. I’m not an alcoholic because I drink way too much … I’m an alcoholic because I think way too much. The thinking that got me sick and addicted was mentored by the madness and chaos of my upbringing and I was unaware how crazy it was until my first drunk. I finally made sense in my own skin. That’s a chase with no finish that convinced me I could find it by denying to myself it existed. Crazy is as crazy does.)  

“It’s like the athletes I work with?” he mused. “If they want to get back in the game, they have to do the physical therapy, do the stretches, do whatever it takes so that they do not incur the same injury again.”

I nodded as he followed up with: “Interesting how we will do it if it’s something important to us …. like getting back in the game. Yet somehow in marriage we are fine with sitting on the bench watching them hurt. OUCH!”

He got it and so did I.

I had him write a letter to his wife using the outline of the position I described above. And committing to it. I did not read the letter, but by her email, I feel sure he did a beautiful job: 

“Dr. Neecie for the first time in years … I actually believe he’s listening. I believe he wants to be a part of my healing process. I cannot tell you how much this means to me. Something I never thought I’d see on this side of heaven. I’m eternally grateful!”

Do whatever it takes to assume that position.

And expect great results!

3. Understand that proximity matters.

“I’m not sure if you wrote this one just for me or not, but I have a feeling that my toes are getting ready to be stomped,” my client suspected.

“Well, I’m not sure either!” I proclaimed, but let me be very clear about what I mean.

“Loving texts are wonderful. Kind, loving phone calls are beautiful. But there’s nothing like eye to eye, hand to hand.”

“Well, we’ve fallen into such a pattern that I’m quite sure she would say that if I’m close and touching her … I probably want sex,” he confessed.

“Nothing wrong with wanting sex, but if that’s the only time you’re physically close and affectionate … then that’s a problem,” I stated.

“Are you not physically affectionate with her? Do you ever invite her to cuddle on the couch with you to watch something?” I asked.

“No. I don’t,” he whispered with shame.

“Then I do have some stomping on your toes to do!” I chided.

“Proximity matters…

Being close to her…

Reaching out and holding her hand when you are driving…

Moving your chair a little closer to hers at the restaurant…

Hugging her…

Holding her…

Touching her face when you tell her you love her…

None of those things can be done over text, over email, or over the phone!”

“I hear you,” he said resolutely. “But she will find it weird and awkward.”

“Perhaps at first,” I replied. “But proximity matters!”

“Move in close to her,” I said firmly.

He nodded.

And he did move in closer.

At first, she expected it to last a day or two.  But as time went on, she found it healing. VERY healing.

So will your partner. Whether it’s your husband or your wife.

Being close communicates honor. And honor brings healing.

***

Fixing what you’ve broken isn’t for wimps.

It calls forth the best parts of us.

It invites us to step into all we were created to be.

Lori Epting provides some great insights:

“When you are the source of your partner’s pain, it can be easy to think ‘I’ve caused your pain, I’m the last person you want to comfort you.’ Exactly the opposite is often true. If you have caused pain in your partner, you can be one of the most helpful people in comforting that pain. One day your partner may need to be left alone. The next they may need to be held. When there have been relational hurts, these needs can change by the hour or the day. There is often not a single, foolproof approach that works. Be willing to adapt your approach as your partner’s needs change. There are a lot of ways to provide comfort for your partner. According to Dr. Sue Johnson, physical and emotional closeness from our partner is one of the most powerful ways to experience comfort. Physical closeness can be achieved through being held, hugged, holding hands, or cuddling. Emotional closeness can include the following:

  • Providing reassurance: ‘I love you,’ ‘I am here for you,’ ‘I’m not going anywhere.’
  • Validating the hurt: ‘Of course this hurt you deeply.’
  • Understanding the hurt: ‘Tell me more about what you are going through.’
  • Hearing the hurt: ‘You can tell me how you feel. I want to know.’
  • Showing remorse: ‘I’m so sorry I hurt you. I’m so sorry you are going through this.’

Express a willingness to do whatever it takes.”

Whatever it takes will not only save the relationship, but it will also call you to extraordinary growth and profound personal development!

Whatever it takes … let’s do this! TOGETHER!