“I heard a preacher say one time that’s an invitation for trials and tribulations. So, I certainly don’t want to pray for any patience. But my husband said I’m in desperate need of some!”
I had to laugh when my client came in with that one on their lips…and in her heart.
Patience. It’s something that many of us don’t really want to speak about or talk about. What is patience?
It has been defined as:
- The capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset.
- Patience is a person’s ability to wait something out or endure something tedious, without getting riled up.
- Patience is the ability to stay calm while you’re waiting for an outcome that you need or want.
My client responded: “Oh…my…gosh! If that’s what patience is…I need it worse than I thought!”
I responded. “Although those are certainly definitions of patience, I read something that caused me to rethink patience. Authors, Stephen, and Alex Kendrick said ‘Patience is where love meets wisdom’.”
I paused as you could almost hear her thinking so I went on.
“That made perfect sense to me in light of relationships. Because when we really love someone, we may not enjoy the challenges, arguments, or disagreements…but it’s a wonderful growth opportunity to press pause, and to use wisdom in the moment,” I explained as I continued.
“And I truly believe if we can look at patience in relationships with those we love from that viewpoint, it challenges us to become our best, and to move towards greater things!” I commented.
With sincere interest, my client responded: “If I look at patience like that, it inspires me to want to develop it. But I must admit that that preacher made me believe that patience was just a pain in my *ss!”
We began to look at patience in the terms of relationships together.
Because I hear a lot of couples asking their partner for more patience, I wanted to share these things with you this week.
1. Patience is pressing pause on your attitude, facial expressions, eye rolling, sighs, and comments until you’ve had time to get to a place of emotional maturity.
“You’ve got to be kidding me! You mean there’s people who can actually do that? My mouth, my expressions, and everything else are on auto pilot once my husband I get into it. This is going to take a divine miracle!”
I had to laugh as I responded.
“I cannot tell you how many people have said the same thing! But the truth is…we can reprogram our brains to have a different auto responder to anything!”
“Well, hook me up to whatever machine you’ve got to get that done ASAP!” She almost yelled.
None of us really wants to admit what we do in the tense moments when we have the beautiful opportunity to practice patience. Here is what I shared with my client to begin the reprogramming of her auto responder in her brain:
- At the first hint of agitation or frustration within, remind yourself: “This is a growth opportunity for me and for our relationship.”
- Zip it.
- Inform your face and body language to remain pleasant.
- Tell yourself that you are seizing the opportunity for growth, which requires a pleasant silence (not a stonewall) to give the other person room to wind down without casting fuel on the fire.
- Unless abuse is involved, while remaining pleasantly quiet, think of something that you’re grateful for about the other, and focus in on that (that’s what scrambles your reticular activating system…RAS) and resets it.
- When the other “winds down,” tell them you’ll consider all they have said carefully.
- Then…yes…I really want you to do this! Say something like this: “Even in our difficult moments, I love you.”
“HOLY GRANOLA!” She responded (like that’s a new one for me!) “I get it! But WOW! I’m not sure I can do that without a lobotomy…or a bottle in front of me!?”
We both…LOL!
“Actually, you can! And the dose of dopamine you’ll get when it is all said and done will encourage you to do it again and again! Just promise me you will try it once!” I encouraged.
“I’ll try it once, but the Lord Almighty better help me! If I survive without a stroke, I’ll come back and tell you about it!”
“Well, there’s one more thing…” I added as she threw her hands over her head stating, “I’m already in overload!”
I laughed again and continued.
“Once it’s all said and done, investigate what value your responses may have. If there is any. Then share them after things have calmed. If there’s none…chunk them.”
I knew she could do it just once. That’s all that I ever ask of anyone. Because if done well once, there will come a natural desire to continue. Why? It makes YOU better and makes your relationships better.
Try it! Just once.
2. Patience gives more time than deserved to the other to correct themselves.
Although my client returned with a great result from her brain reprogramming exercise (in #1 above) she gasped at yet another challenge with the giving of time for the other to grow, correct themselves, and make things right.
Yes, we want an immediate change.
An immediate apology.
An immediate something.
An immediate anything.
It’s natural. But as I told my client, “Sometimes you have to make a tough call: do I want to stay with and strong-arm for what I think is RIGHT or do I want a HEALTHY, LOVING RELATIONSHIP?”
For the first time, I saw a real tenderness come over her and some tears.
After a moment of silence, her tone softened, and she replied, “That is a game changer. We’ve been cold and distant for too long. Things are terrible. Nothing good at all. But I miss him. I miss what we once had. And I’ve gotten stuck in the ‘I-gotta-be-right’ loop. How senseless!”
I validated that we are all perfectly capable of getting stuck there.
“I’m not suggesting you live with abuse or never address issues. But address things in a patient and kind way. Research shows it has far more power to influence change and growth than pointing out faults, criticizing, and making demands.”
What about you? How can you give the gift of patience in a way that inspires growth in your spouse? It’s a beautiful thing to watch what can happen.
3. During tough times, patience holds onto the understanding that gifting the other with another chance, is the true evidence of patience.
“How many chances do I give him about his excessive drinking? About his lying? About his foul moods?” My client asked in desperation.
“I understand more about that than I wish I did. I work with this all the time. Sobriety is important. Integrity is important. Emotional stability is important.”
I validated. “But only you can decided how many chances you can give.”
Many people would call giving chances “codependency,” However, there’s a difference between enabling and codependence vs gifting someone with patience.
Second chances. Tenth chances. We all need more chances about various things in our lives.
I shared with her, what I’ll share with you now.
“Only you can decide how many chances you’ve the capacity to give. But give the chances you can with grace. Offer to be part of the solution (find resources, etc.). Hold on to hope for as long as you can. Remember the times when you needed second (or the 50th) chance.”
She chimed right in.
“Well, after listening to that…I think I can do this. I just got off track wanting what I want. And the bottom line is, it didn’t happen on my timeline, and I lost patience. So actually, he was right…I needed more patience!” she said with great sincerity.
I replied: “It’s easy to do. It’s easy to fall into criticism that often turns to contempt. Drs. John and Julie Gottman call criticism and contempt emotional and verbal violence.”
“Your criticism is a wish disguised. It’s a negative expression of a real need. What if you took responsibility for what you really desire for the relationship. What if you owned the wish and committed to articulating it as a positive hope? It could be as simple as starting your sentences with ‘I wish’ instead of ‘you never.’ But, as with contempt, it takes a good introspective look, in this case, at your own inclination toward violence.” The Dr’s. Gottman
What about you? How quickly does your patience fade away? Extend it, gift time and chances when you can! It will do great healing in you and in your partner and in your relationship.
Yes, patience is where love and wisdom intersect. My client’s love and wisdom intersected in a beautiful way. After a short time, her husband got help for his sobriety, discovered early trauma issues which drove it, and came in with her for marital therapy.
Patience is a gift we can grant to those we love. It makes all the difference in the world!
“Patience is not the ability to wait. Patience is to be calm no matter what happens, constantly taking action to turn it into positive growth opportunities, and the faith to believe that it will all work out in the end while you’re waiting.” Roy T. Bennett
In a great story from the Bible:
“At that point Peter got up the nerve to ask, ‘How many times do I forgive a brother or sister (a husband, a wife, a son, a daughter, a teammate, a co-worker etc.) who hurts me? Seven times?’ Then Jesus said, ‘Seven!? Hardly. Try seventy times seven’.”
Now that’s patience. Where love meets wisdom!
