“I had no idea that I had all of this ‘stuff’ mentally and spiritually onboard… fueling my BLEEP! But all I can say is … life is better for me, our marriage, and our kids…now that I have unloaded the fuel tank of bitterness. And. I can assure you that it was overflowing!”
Last week, I shared how my client had come in wondering if there was a miracle pill to cure her husband’s BLEEP.
Yes…sad to say there’s no such pill.
However, draining the fuel tank that often keeps BLEEP pouring forth can make a major difference.
What is that fuel?
Often, it’s bitterness.
Resentment.
And/or carried anger.
Sometimes combinations of all of the above.
Recently, I heard that a cruise ship can have as much as 2,000,000 gallons of fuel on board. Yes, that is 2 million.
Perhaps, if you struggle with your BLEEP, it’s time to drain the tank of 2 million gallons of bitterness, resentment, and/or carried anger that are on board in you.
Weighing you down.
Making you someone you never wanted to be.
Damaging those you love.
This week we’ll begin with how to resolve the bitterness that fuels your BLEEP, and move onto the others in successive weeks.
Let’s look at how to drain the fuel tank of bitterness and fill it with love.
Last week, in talking to the wife, she guessed that her husband’s bitterness could’ve been rooted in a situation with his son. They had started a consulting business together and after a gig with a fortune 500 company, his son was offered (and accepted) a job with that company.
She said that her husband had become very, very different after that.
When he came in, I asked him if anything had changed in his life about a year to 18 months prior.
He identified the same event, so their guesses matched.
I asked him if he was ready to drain the fuel tank of bitterness.
Immediately, he proclaimed he was MORE than ready to do so.
I walked him through the process that normally helps people resolve bitterness. Here are the components that can help you too!
1. Find someone to share the disappointment with that will validate your experience.
My client told me the whole story about his business venture with his son. He had felt like he had “lost his kids” in his divorce. When the opportunity to create a consulting business with his son arose, he felt re-connected in a new way.
Although he was so proud of his son when he was offered the position within the Fortune 500 company, he also feared losing the new found connection. The sadness and disappointment poured out of him.
I validated how hurt and disappointed he must have been.
This is a crucial point in the draining of the tank of bitterness. Most people never really tell the whole story to…
- Someone who’s interested.
- Someone who’s empathetic.
- Someone who asks for more…and most importantly…
- Someone who validates.
When this opportunity to drain out the bitterness doesn’t occur for us, the deep mental and emotional pain recycles and eventually becomes toxic. And when it’s toxic…we give way to powerlessness.
(A note…from a dear friend active in AA and recovery:
“Everyone pursuing recovery, without exception, has to realize in their deepest deepness, that when they ‘use’ … all bets are off. For me my ‘aha’ moment came when I briefly set aside the first half of Step One that says … ‘We admitted that we are powerless over alcohol’…and start by first wholeheartedly embracing the second half of Step One that says… ‘that our lives had become unmanageable’… I had to start with THE PROOF of what powerlessness looks like, lives like, thinks like, talks like, acts like. BUT! We could fill that blank with a number of isms…let me elaborate…We admit we are powerless over ___________ . EVERYBODY has got something to fill this blank with. That something that leads all of us to the same end…it might be…
- anger
- fear
- prejudice
- alcohol
- drugs
- food
- family issues
- hate
- control
- lying
- jealousy
- bitterness…
I don’t care what we put in OUR blank. Because, whatever it is, causes ALL of us to live with part of ourselves and our endeavors that are in constant war with our ‘unmanageable mode’.”)
Often, people are reluctant to share matters that have turned to bitterness because the natural inclination for the listener is often to do things that make it worse.
- Minimize its importance and impact
- Give advice like: “Get over it”
- Defend the other party
If you have the beautiful moment to be the person who hears the story behind someone’s bitterness, may I recommend this:
- Listen with compassion
- Show interest with well-informed questions
- Empathize
- Validate their feelings
There’s often a fear for the listener that if I show care, it will cause the bitterness to go deeper. To the contrary. It melts the icy coldness of the bitterness.
After hearing the story, and facilitating the sharing, his wife turned to him and said: “I knew this was hard for you. But I had no idea how deeply it hurt you and scared you.”
With a boyish expression on his face, her validation obviously began the melting of the iceberg of bitterness in his heart.
What about you? Have you shared the story with someone who will truly listen? It’s a crucial step in emptying the tank of bitterness that fuels BLEEP.
2. Identify the story you replay about the disappointment that then turns to anger. Change the story. To something empowering.
I asked my client about the story he’d rehearsed over and over. At first, he sat quietly. Then commented: “I was going to say I don’t really think about it that much. But the truth is… it’s on repeat like a bad meme.”
I nodded. Because I understood the endless loop torment that plays in the background day and night.
He continued: “I just don’t know why he had to abandon me. We were having fun. Making good money. And our time together was priceless.”
Shaking his head at the floor and slightly tearful he went on.
“I’m pretty sure that my ex-wife probably got a good laugh out of it when he left. Or she may have even talked him into it for all I know. But it’s over. There’s nothing I can do about it.”
I leaned toward him and shared: “It may be over … in that, he’s enjoying his new position. But it’s not over in your mind, in your heart, in your gut.”
He nodded in agreement as I continued.
“It has turned toxic in you and you don’t deserve that. What else do you tell yourself?”
“I guess, that I’m toast. I couldn’t possibly run the company on my own,” he almost whispered in despair.
Bitterness always starts as heartbreak. Then it grows to King Kong status and steals our hope, our joy, our belief in what’s possible. I explained that rewriting that story could restore some of those things for him.
It’s not easy to let go of a story, stop the narrative, and author it ourselves. But it certainly makes our lives better and hopeful when we put our trust in a process and not in unrealized expectations, playing on repeat in our heads and heart.
That takes faith.
That is faith.
After much discussion and asking questions that caused him to reconsider the story, he was able to rewrite his story to this.
“The truth is, my son’s wife needed the security of him having a career with benefits. Now their marriage is thriving. I can get off of my pity pot and reignite the business and bring on a business partner if necessary. Maybe we can start playing golf together…it would relieve his stress and give us that priceless time together I miss so much.”
Obviously a much more empowering story.
What about you? What empowering story can you begin to tell in order to drain the tank of bitterness?
3. Do something symbolic to pull the plug on the tank and let the bitterness pour out. Forever.
Symbolic exercises make a huge difference when making a life change of any sort.
I asked my client if he was up for an adventure.
I took a gallon jug of spring water. I unsealed and removed the cap, and handed him a selection of little bottles of squirt paint.
I asked him to envision what toxins he had created by telling himself the old story, and to squirt various amounts of paint into the jug to represent the old stories and the toxins created by the bitterness.
Then I invited him to put the cap on and shake it up and see what happened to the clear spring water. Obviously, it was a murky mess.
I took him outside, and I placed the gallon jug upside down into a macramé sleeve meant to hold a potted plant.
“What does that murky mess represent for you?” I asked.
As he was looking at the jug, just above eye level, he began the list: “Sleepless nights, disappointment, acting like a victim, being short fused, feeling alone and misunderstood …” The list went on.
I asked him: “Are you ready to drain the murky mess of bitterness?”
He stood looking at the jug, nodding, and finally said: “It’s time. It’s past time!”
With a smile, I said, “When you are ready…pull the plug on that tank of bitterness and let that murky mess go!”
After a moment or two, he looked up and said: “I am ready!” His wife and I both stepped backward, and as he pulled the cap off. The murky mess of bitterness went everywhere, including on his pant leg.
For a moment, he seemed not to care. But as he looked down at his paint stained pant leg, he had an aha moment that he shared with his wife: “Well, for once…my BLEEP got all over me instead of all over you.”
All 3 of us laughed, but shortly after the laugh, he stepped over and hugged her and said: “I am so sorry!”
He got it.
And I had the wonderful opportunity to witness a truly magical moment.
He followed up with: “I don’t even want you to wash the stain out. I just want to hang them in the closet so that every day, I’ll always remember what my BLEEP has done to you, to me, to our family.” Bitterness is truly like an iceberg. However, it’s not selective. It is not only cold toward those whoever initiated it. And it’s not selective at all. It is not only cold toward those who disappointed and/or angered us. It freezes out people who love and care about us.
Maya Angelo’s says:
“Bitterness is a corrosive, terrible acid. It just eats you and makes you sick.”
“Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host.”
I’ve also heard it said that bitterness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
Most importantly, the people most affected, and often feel like they are dying … Are those seeking to connect with us and love us that had nothing to do with creating the bitterness.
You are better than that, my friend.
You deserve better than that!
So do those who love you! Let’s drain that tank. And refuel it with love, kindness, and respect.
Isn’t that more consistent with who you are? I believe it is!
