“Although I feel like I’m still healing, somehow it feels like enough of me is no longer shattered like Humpty Dumpty, and that I can actually have some sane, coherent thoughts!”
I was moved to hear my client say this. She continued:
“I’m a little afraid of losing this again, but I want to at least look at the possibility of a relationship, while I am sane enough to even think about it!”
I understood totally. Many people begin to feel relief from the damage or trauma done by the wrecking ball…but are afraid that the wrecking ball will somehow swing and shatter them again.
But you/me/we know that’s no way to live either. Trusting in ourselves is what it’s about. We together can begin to grow this trust back in us. Or if you’ve landed on solid ground again, we can continue to feed our trust the affirming words and thoughts that will keep us growing.
But what most people don’t realize is that during the healing process, we become more keenly aware of the wrecking ball, and much more proactive. It’s when soul power and power in our spirits begin to grow and feed each other.
I’m of the science community and I’m of the faith community. It’s a delicate but beautiful balance to work and live from.
I believe that God wants to grow us both intuitively and fittingly in the pursuit of balance. So, we’ll know that neither mind/soul, nor heart/spirit, nor science/intuition contradict each other.
But they’re all God given to lead us to a healthy balance. They in tandem grow our passion, clarity, and purpose to live an abundant life!
YES…soul and spirit work in harmony … building and complementing one another. Over time they eventually and effortlessly become our 24-7 lifestyle, worldview, and mindset when we embrace and surrender to this wisdom path that proclaims… “No more mood swinging reactionary chaos in my world…I’m done!”
My goal this week is to walk you through the steps that ultimately empower you to step aside when the wrecking ball begins to swing, or to lovingly reach out and powerfully catch it in your hands.
“You’ve got my attention now, for sure! I must learn how to do this to survive. And I am finally ready!” my client stated.
(I must put this disclaimer here because I care deeply about you. If there has been, and continues to be ongoing physical abuse, I’m not suggesting that you continue moving forward in the relationship. Get yourself to a safe place and continue to heal!)
If you have followed the series, I believe you’re ready too, my friend. Keep repeating the healing steps from the past couple of weeks to keep yourself strong as we take this giant step forward together!
1. Set your limits and boundaries.
My client muttered, “I don’t even know where to start or what to say.”
I understood.
When you’ve been through so much, over such a long period of time, it’s hard to even know where to start. It’s true familiarity tends to turn us into what we abhor … till we wake to ourselves.
[A note…I remember the famous radio Bible teacher/pastor, Dr. Chuck Swindoll say of the prodigal son, “Till we come to ourselves (and in the prodigal’s case it was the pigpen) we’re living in a realm of temporary insanity.” And I don’t know anyone who doesn’t need help to navigate that.]
I set her up with an exercise that I would like for you to also do as a starting point.
I handed her a sheet of paper with 25 lines that each said:
When you ________________________, I felt ____________________, and I wish you had___________________________________________.
I suggest that you do at least 25 of these to begin to look at limits and boundaries.
For example, her first few were:
- When you started going off about how you wished you had not married me, I felt devastated, deflated, and used. I wish you had said something less soul murdering… like: “There are moments when I am upset that I say things I don’t mean … so for now I need to take a break before I regret when I’m about to say.”
- When I was trying to explain how what you did hurt me, you said: “No wonder your dad did not love you…” I felt worthless, unlovable, and wanted to die. I wish you had tried to understand how you hurt me, and not add insult to injury.”
- When you packed up everything you owned and were getting in your car to leave me and drive away drunk, and you said: “You are the reason I drink, and I am out of here!” I felt guilty, abandoned, like a piece of trash you could kick to the curb, and hopeless. I was afraid you would kill yourself or someone else driving drunk or get another DUI. I wish you had let me go to a hotel for the night as I suggested, while you slept it off, and we could’ve talked about it the next day.
We began to process each of these incidences, her feelings, and desires … in order to determine limits and boundaries. For example, with the first one, we realized that when he was in a swing toward mania or hypomania, he was often agitated, and said things he did not mean. Around that, we set these boundaries:
- When you’re in an episode, let’s each go our separate ways, and I will sleep in the guestroom, so things will not be said that we both regret.
We set some additional criteria to make it non-inflammatory. Saying things like: “I think it’s a good time for me to run some errands and go to the gym. I will be returning to the guestroom until we are both feeling more solid and are ready to have some healthy and loving conversation.”
Your boundaries and limitations should never be used as punishment or weapons. They’re for your protection and the “absolute must” part of boundaries regarding you and others is: respect is paramount.
For the other two, we set the following boundaries:
- When I’m feeling hurt, I’ll journal, and share my thoughts and feelings by appointment only, when we’re both in a good place.
- When you are drinking, I’ll only engage in conversation about logistics. And will spend time away from home, or in the guestroom, until you’re sober and ready to talk.
Around each of those, we set some non-inflammatory methods of communication.
I told her when we began to address the dynamics of the marriage with her husband, we would discuss these boundary guidelines, and see if he had any. Then come to agreements.
Of course, you cannot set a boundary and guideline around everything. Actually, we first did it around 25 of her statements. Then we were able to narrow it down to 8…to cover the major areas of angst.
I prefer to have 5 to 7, and that once they’re agreed-upon, that they are posted as reminders. For example, on the closet door.
[A note… ‘overwhelm’ is what got us to this point… Overwhelm helps realize that our exitance has no balance anymore. It’s like the old pinball machines that disqualified our efforts when we moved too quickly and too much. Ease-up on how much because too much got you here. Less is more. So, dig deep for as much ‘weighty substance’ as possible. When we dig deep we see it’s almost always just a few key points that need the tweaks and change we long for. Don’t let change overwhelm you too.]
This is not an easy task, but you cannot hold on to your newfound healing without some measures to create an environment where you can do more than survive. Our goal is not survival, it’s helping you find a way of living where you can thrive!
2. Establish your non-negotiables.
Your non-negotiables should be few and mighty!
[A note…You may be thinking that this is a tough one. But until now, you’ve had no non-negotiables. And look (but more importantly) FEEL where this kind of punching bag mentality has gotten you … we can and we MUST do this.]
“Few?” my client moaned as if terribly insulted, then continued.
“If I can only have a few, maybe it should be that he gets a job on Mars, and flies home once a year when he’s not in episode, and loves the hell out of me!”
I had to laugh, but my heart went out to her at the same time.
For that’s the sound of a long, hard road speaking. A punching bag that has been punched way too many times.
If you need more than two, possibly three non-negotiables, you might look at the relationship very carefully, and make sure that there’s no ongoing abuse.
We went back to the list of 25. There were two non-negotiables that came into view quickly for her:
- He must be consistent with his medication.
- He must remain sober.
Since I don’t know you, or your situation, I cannot say whether you should require evaluation and medication or not. But I will say this…90% of the time, if you’re seeing moods that swing like a wrecking ball, medication is needed.
Sad to say, it’s somewhat challenging to find a psychiatrist who truly understands bipolar disorder, but especially bipolar 2 disorder.
If you’re not sure of the differences, you can read what I wrote about them by clicking here: https://bit.ly/DancingWithSwingingMoods
The second problem is that after being evaluated and put on medication, a very high percentage of people with mood swings are not compliant with their medication.
Why?
Because they don’t remember what they were like before the medication. And because they’re level more of the time. They think they don’t need it any longer.
I say the same thing to all my clients with bipolar disorder who are noncompliant with their medication: “If you had to take one pill a day to stay alive, would you take it?” They all answer emphatically: “Of course!”
Then I follow up with: “Then why would you not take one pill a day that will keep your relationships alive?”
Usually that’s the end of the conversation.
If your loved one is undiagnosed or noncompliant with their medication, you might consider this as one of the topics for a non-negotiable.
My client’s second one, sobriety, was in very close relationship with being consistent on his medication.
Most medication used to treat mood swings are interfered with or even dangerous to mix with alcohol.
Not only did he ‘act a fool’ according to her, but he also got even meaner when he mixed alcohol with his medication. So, it became her second nonnegotiable.
Although we ended the session with those two; she came back with a third one.
And that was that he cease all communication with his ex’s, other than, as it pertained to their kids. And since they were all adults, except for in cases of emergency, that meant no contact.
If there are affairs, whether physical, emotional, or even online…that’s a fair non-negotiable.
She agreed that those 3 covered a lot of territory that would make life very different.
What about you?
What non-negotiables are you willing to ask for?
And strong enough to hold your spouse or partner to?
[A note…I know these kinds of requirements are extremely difficult and deeply emotional … But I encourage you, and actually say you MUST initiate them … And the quicker you harness your emotions and shift to neutral kindness when they’re around, the better. There’s nothing that’ll show that you value yourself more than non-emotional resolve … that has an element of kindness and respect. Or as my AA recovery friend says, “Nothing scares a man more than when he sees she doesn’t need him, he gets she doesn’t want him, BUT NEED is soul deep where truth lives…and that scares the h*ll out of most men!” And women, I’ll add!]
Certainly, those 3 non-negotiables my client claimed were healthy and beneficial to the marriage. You deserve to have some sense of assurance that your partner is doing things to minimize distractions to the relationship, and that will hopefully set the foundation for relationship healing and growth.
3. Design a healthy escape plan for you, and a second one for you as a couple to present to your partner.
You simply must plan in advance!
“I cannot tell you how many times I’ve thought about this, but I think about it in the middle of the mood swing. And that certainly is not a good time to decide a plan!” my client assured me.
I smiled and nodded in agreement, and told her that that’s when most couples thought of it… And why it rarely happens.
The plan must include these things:
- A friendly sign.
- An agreement about what’s next?
- An agreement about how and when to reconnect.
Friendly Sign
Let’s start with a friendly sign. What I mean by that is … the middle finger is probably not something that will cause a plan to go well! Although my client said she would love that…she decided on the ‘thumbs-up’ sign. It has a generally positive meaning and would be a way to signal one another that they needed to move to the ‘plan’.
What’s Next
Then we worked on the agreement about what was next. (Of course, you will want to have this discussion with your spouse later in this series, but at least come up with one that you can suggest for discussion).
For her, the plan would be that they would stop the interaction immediately. Both smile at one another, then separate until they got to a place of enough emotional maturity for one to text the other and with kindness and respect, communicate how much time they needed to work through the moment.
Then the other would respond with the time they needed. The greater amount of time would be the time frame to go with. Ideally, that time frame would be at least 20 minutes, but less than 24 hours.
Both would agree that the time apart would be spent productively. No drinking, no bad mouthing, nothing that would further damage the relationship.
Preferably, the time would be spent with inspiring things: a walk, gratitude, a prayer, expecting the best. Deciding on a plan to return with and with the very best version of themselves leading the way.
How and When to Reconnect
The reconnection would be at the time of the longest request for time. She suggested they would return with a smile, a gratitude to share with and for the other, and a written note about what they wish they’d done better in the interaction (not what they wish the other had done better).
Some people have a sperate written plan for:
- When there is a swing to mania or hypomania or
- When there is a swing to depression or
- When there is aa swing to agitation.
Whatever the plan plan, you need to ‘take a break’ and come back together from a place of emotional and relationship maturity.
This is like being able to catch the swinging ball in your hands instead of allowing it the wreck you. (Which, by the way, wrecks them as well!)
Having these kinds of things prepared for discussion set your relationship up for healing and success.
It also helps you not feel dangerously vulnerable. That is not living. It’s barely surviving.
NO ONE WILL KNOW YOUR VALUE AND VALUE YOU, IF YOU DON’T TEACH THEM BY SHOWING HOW MUCH YOU VALUE YOURSELF.
You deserve to live. You deserve to live an abundant life. As so does your partner with the mood swings.
My hopes and prayers are that you are healing. Please keep doing the healing exercises.
Now my hopes and prayers are that your marriage/relationship will begin to heal!
Yes, if you google it … you’ll find out that these relationships rarely make it. Don’t allow that to discourage you! Be one of the rare ones!
As the unknown writer says:
“It’s not about finding someone who won’t fight with you or make you sad. It is about finding the person who will still be standing there wiping the tears away, holding you in their arms after a fight. The one who’ll never leave, no matter how hard things get.”
The ancient proverb declares…”A friend loves at all times, and a brother and a sister or (a spouse?) is born for a time of adversity.”
Let’s do this! TOGETHER!
