“So, I have to admit that the last session was full of sunshine and roses! But I bet people show up with weapons for this one,” the husband from last week’s session proclaimed as he walked in the door.
After laughing, I responded, “Most everyone comes in expecting it with this assignment. But to be honest, it creates ongoing sunshine and roses!”
“Then I’m all in, because it’s changed things in our home, and in the bedroom,” he retorted, as his wife blushed!
Although these are things that should be discussed in premarital counseling, (and I use it in an ongoing basis with couples where there’s no mood swings) this is foreign to many people!
This clarifies things for so many couples, and I knew it would for this couple.
I hope you will follow the instructions and do the exercises. It is absolutely crucial in couples where one or more have mood swings. But the truth is, it makes every struggling relationship better, every good relationship great, and every great relationship exceptional!
“There is no passion to be found in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living.” — Nelson Mandela
1. Setting and communicating non-negotiables
“At their core, non-negotiables are any deeply held beliefs that are so important to you that you will not compromise them.” Gretchen Wilson
I asked my couple if they were ready to dive into this one? The husband responded with a slight look of fear on his face.
“I mean…this is scary stuff…what if she says…me getting the hell out…is non-negotiable?”
I nodded to validate his fear, but then asked him, “It sounds like you had a good week together, do you really think she’s going to turn on a dime now?”
Because she laughed, I think it gave him enough relief to move forward.
I explained to them, as I’d like for you to understand…you do not set “non-negotiables” about things that annoy or irritate you. You may be annoyed that they leave their coffee cup in the bedroom. But that’s certainly not material for a non-negotiable.
A non-negotiable is something that comes from your values.
Values in and of themselves are a six-week blog series. But for this moment, let’s define values as the top 10 things that are beliefs that remain most important in your life. Things like…faith, family, love, integrity, etc.
I handed my clients each a sheet of blank paper and asked them to do this.
“Consider your top 10 values and write them on your sheet of paper. You should do a deeper dive on this at some point. But for now, just make some guesses. You will not be sharing them…so be honest.”
(Note…I’d like for you to press pause in your reading and do this exercise yourself.)
The furrowed brow and a few deep sighs told me that they were both struggling. But as usual, once they got started, it did not take that long.
The second part of the instruction is: consider any behaviors or interactions in the relationship that you feel violate any of those.
As I instructed them, take a moment, and jot some things down.
Reviewing that list, choose two or perhaps three things that occur in the relationship that touch a nerve on any of those values. You don’t have to understand exactly why it does, but if it’s something you simply cannot live with, that is one of your non-negotiables.
It is certainly acceptable to have more than one, but certainly not more than three. And before putting them on the table, ask yourself if they’re really that important enough to be non-negotiables, or if you should simply set boundaries around those things.
As I mentioned earlier in the series, my client had decided that her husband drinking alcohol was a non-negotiable for her. First of all, alcohol exacerbated his mood swings, and secondly, it was dangerous for him to consume with the medication he was taking for his bipolar II disorder.
I began with her because I knew this was one of her non-negotiables. I explained to the both of them that these were not weapons. They’re meant to be things they personally needed to give the relationship its best chance.
And that should be kept in mind in communicating them. I asked them to communicate these non-negotiables in this framework:
One of my non-negotiables is ___________________________________. I believe it will help our relationship by _______________________________________________. I’m hoping you would be willing to honor it, because it would help me feel _____________________________________________________________________________.
I want you to communicate these in the same manner.
She began: “One of my non-negotiables is that you would not consume alcohol. I believe it will help our relationship by keeping mood swings to a minimum so that we can have more time to connect like we have been. And to have more fun. I’m hoping you would be willing to honor it, because it would help me feel safer about your well-being because of the danger of mixing it with your meds.”
He nodded, and commented: “That’s a hard one, but I know you’re right.” He glanced at me, and half moaned and half asked: “Guess I am AA bound?!!” I assured him I would point him in the right direction.
I asked if he had one to share.
He took in a deep breath and began.
“One of my non-negotiables is that you talk only to professionals, and not to family, about our ‘sh*t’. Or I’m okay if you talk to Caren (her best friend who was neutral). I believe it will help our relationship by allowing us to have better times with your family…and keep your mom out of my face. I really love her and want to have good times with her again. I am hoping you’d be willing to honor it, because it would help me feel like I’m part of the family again. I miss that.”
I would like for you to share yours in that manner.
After all of them have been shared, thank one another for sharing them. Remember only one or two, maybe three.
Then, if you are deeply committed to your relationship…make a plan to initiate your compliance to non-negotiables.
Instead of defending yourself or throwing a fit…remind yourself that the more difficult it is to do…the greater the healing and connection on a new level to the relationship.
Then share your plans to meet and/or honor them.
Do it.
You’ve got nothing to lose and everything to gain. It’s awkward because it’s needed and new emotional turf. It’ll start and keep working… IF…tender empathy becomes your guiding spirit.
For example, the wife agreed to immediately honor his request to stop sharing their problems with family. He said he would meet with me another time to figure out the best path to laying down the alcohol.
(A note from my AA friend in recovery… “You don’t enter recovery just because of booze or drugs. You enter recovery because your entire life, up to that point, has wired your brain to react in ‘your way’ of doing life. Which is the reason you medicated in the first place. Because ‘your way’ of doing life hasn’t worked and doesn’t work, but just keeps the cycle of addiction alive and well. You enter recovery to surrender. To learn how to change the way you react to what happens next. It’s living life on life’s terms. It’s that simple. It’s that complicated. The recovery for any broken relationship can also happen by surrendering and practicing that simple pause before speaking or reacting! Living life on life’s terms.”)
This is hard, but it’s healthy! And VERY IMPORTANT!
2. Setting limits and boundaries, for our comfort and safety, making us our best selves
What are boundaries anyway?
First of all, they are crucial to a healthy relationship. In short, boundaries are those guidelines every person should set for themselves, but also for the relationship.
The guidelines for an individual are those things that protect their well-being. Their mental and physical health. And, provide the safety for them to grow and become their very best.
In relationships, they protect the relationship’s integrity, and provide a safe place for a couple to grow together and become great healing partners.
My client’s husband commented, “I’m pretty sure I invade her boundaries, and I’m sure she would say I live behind a wall!”
“AMEN,” she retorted!
I explained to them, as I am to you, that usually the reason boundaries get invaded is because they are not clearly communicated. And usually, walls are built because it’s easier than the process of identifying and communicating boundaries.
Two brains changing their daily patterns into adapting to think respectively as one, is hard work. But a commitment to growing that respect for each other’s boundaries will become a life habit, and a guaranteed pathway towards abundant living and rich love.
Regardless of where you are now, consider what boundaries will protect you and your well-being. And give you that comfortable safe place where you can become your best version of you.
This may have to be a work in progress as you figure these out unless you have already done some boundary work. If this is new to you, you might find this worksheet helpful. (https://www.therapistaid.com/therapy-worksheet/setting-boundaries)
I asked my couple to come with three things each had in mind for boundaries.
Then I asked them to communicate them in this manner: (I hope you, as a reader, will follow the same format).
I need (name boundary) ____________________ in order to (how it help you grow, feel safe, etc.) _________________________________________________________. I hope you will honor it because I believe it will (how it will improve the relationship) ________________________________________________________________.
She began with:
“I need my time in the morning to get ready for my day without being disturbed, in order to be at my best at work, and hopefully that will land me another promotion. I hope you will honor it because I believe it will make my days go smoother, and I will come home less stressed and enjoy our time together more.”
“Well done!” I commented. “Now, let’s hear from you!” I said as I turned to her husband.
“I need to be able to go fishing at least one Saturday a month…I know, I know…without the beer…in order to clear my mind, and remain more stable in my moods. I hope you’ll honor it, because I believe it will help me stay more stable, because I’m loving what we are experiencing together.”
“Great job!” I affirmed him.
Do this exercise. Remember its purpose. It’s to help you grow and become a better version of YOU!
3. Making a plan for when difficult moments or mood swings occur
Having an escape plan for when mood swings occur is crucial. It must be one you work on together, agree to, and follow!
I can assure you of this, if you don’t have one, it will go to hell in a handbasket in a heartbeat! Give yourselves permission not to be perfect. Every relationship takes work at finding its rhythm of give and take and take and give and “I need a time-out”.
Don’t beat yourselves up … but have an agreement on this. Don’t let the ‘cultural ideal/mirage’ that marriage should be perfect turn needing some space into a negative.
Let me insert something else here. If you are experiencing mood swings, you simply must seek medical evaluation, and get medication if suggested by your doctor. Mood swings are not your fault. It is a brain chemical problem, not a choice you make.
However, leaving it undiagnosed and/or refusing medication is relationship suicide. Hear me. PLEASE HEAR ME!
95% of people with mood swings struggle with the idea of medication. But you will burn your relationships to the ground without stabilization. It is not shameful to take medication. If you feel ashamed, that is from toxic programming and disempowering beliefs.
Do whatever it takes to remedy those. And give yourself a chance to live without the struggle! You deserve that.
Now…here are the components to the plan:
- How a challenge (or a mood swing) will be identified and communicated. What language will you use so that you are both on the same page, and neither will be attacking or feel attacked.
- How the other will respond. There must be no arguing. There must be no denial. It must be a partnership where you are working together.
- What is the plan for the one struggling to get help or get back on track. This is an agreement already made. Perhaps it should be in writing so that in the difficulty of the moment, both are clear.
- What will communication look like during this time. Will you be texting? Talking? Taking a break? If so, how long?
- How will you come back together? Acting like nothing happened is not an option. It is destructive. Acknowledge what happened. Take ownership. Apologize. Make amends. Share gratitude.
So that you have an example as a guide, here is what my couple created together:
- We will call the “challenge” or “mood swing” a “less than ideal moment.” Whoever notes it first will say in a kind, respectful tone: “I believe we are in a less than ideal moment.”
- The other will not argue or defend. With humility, they will respond with: “Let’s go with our plan, and hopefully get this resolved as soon as possible.”
- The one struggling, or experiencing a mood swing, will call their accountability partner, and remain calm while awaiting the contact. Both will separate (even within the home is fine) and give the other time. Respectfully. The one struggling will give an estimated amount of time needed (not more than several hours unless a professional is involved).
- During that time, only encouraging texts will be exchanged. No conversation, no problem resolution. If the expected time needed is nearing, and more time is needed…do so by text and with kindness and respect.
- The one struggling will reach out when ready to reconnect. That person initiates a hug. Both are prepared to take ownership of their part in the “less than ideal moment.” Both apologize for their part. Both make amends. Both express a gratitude to the other.
Your plan may take time. But start with bare bones.
Failure to have a plan and follow it leads to the wrecking ball. Hearts get wrecked, connections get wrecked, and eventually the relationship could be in too many pieces for repair.
Don’t let that happen.
You will be amazed at how having an “escape plan” is a lifesaver. To both people. To the marriage.
It keeps you on the same page, working as a partnership. Instead of squaring off as enemies.
Your relationship is worth this! I promise…it is worth it!
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Yes sometimes…the things we must do to have a rich intimate relationship are hard.
But it’s like when NASA launches a space shuttle…90% of the fuel is used to get it launched. To get it going. Then the rest is much easier once gravity is broken through.
Media, social media, sitcoms, Netflix series make work on relationships seem foolish. What they don’t often show or portray is how love takes on a life of its own when we break through the “pull” to leave these relationships and start another one!
As Charles and Linda Bloom write:
“While most couples have experienced varying degrees of difficulty in their relationships, after they make it “over the hump,” the downward pull of gravity diminishes greatly, and the amount of effort and energy required to sustain and nurture the relationship is greatly reduced. Further, the experience of nurturing the relationship no longer feels like effort or work, but literally becomes a labor of love that feels more like a gift, a joyful opportunity for which we feel grateful.”
After working through these exercises, we will move toward what my clients called “the really good stuff!”
Let’s do this!
