“You can just call me ‘doubting Thomas’ if you want to. For three years, I’ve heard you talk about drifting and thought it was a little bit clever. But I still allowed myself to drift through them.”
I commented, “Realizing that, and showing up here doesn’t not sound like a ‘doubting Thomas’ to me.”
She continued: “My marriage has drifted into empty loneliness, my career and finances have drifted into burn out, my health has drifted into obesity, and plain ole laziness.”
I nodded with great empathy and compassion, because I hear this a lot at this time of year when I write about drifting.
“That can all begin to change in a heartbeat, and I assume that’s why you’re here?” I asked.
She nodded sheepishly, and with the expression of a little girl, pleading, answered with her own question: “If you’ll have me back?”
With a big smile, I told her: “You know what I always say!” And then she joined in with me on the last comment because all people that work with me have heard me say it multiple times: “It’s never too late!” (As a matter of fact, if they think it is, we have a little “dance fest” to the song, “It’s Never Too Late!” If you happen to need it … here it is: (https://youtu.be/_6KNZIdD0_Y?si=ej65Sz7Irl4XoA45)
It’s never too late to turn things around
Recover, unravel the path to confound
The doubters and losers that line up despair
Will tell you it’s over, you’re going nowhere
It’s never too late, I hope
It’s never too late
It’s never too late to get back on track
To get at least some, if not all of it back
I thought I was happy, and sometimes I was
The sadness is just as important because
Got to carry the weight and hope
It’s never too late
Never too late to fight the fight
Never too late to keep the night
Never too late to win the day
Never too late to break away
Time will start to move too fast, the time is now, my friends
I’m a long way from the start, but further from the end
Oh no, it’s never too late
It’s never too late to get up off the ground
Don’t have to be noticed, don’t have to crowned
I get what I done and I don’t try to hide
I lost many things, but never my pride
It’s never too late, I know
It’s never too late
Never too late to fight the fight
Never too late to keep the night
Never too late to win the day
Never too late to break away
Time will start to move too fast, the time is now, my friends
I’m a long way from the start, but further from the end
Oh no, it’s never too late
I used to say I don’t have time, I’m sleepin’ tonight
A day doin’ nothin’ is doin’ it right
No hurry, no Harry, take as long as it takes
You might as well sleep for all the difference it makes
I didn’t find love or the peace or the breaks
These aren’t excuses, but a string of mistakes
I won’t go back there, not goin’ back there
Never too late to fight the fight
Never too late to keep the night
Never too late to win the day
Never too late to break away
Never too late to fight the fight, babe
Never too late to keep the night
Never too late to win the day
Never too late to break away
Time will start to move too fast, the time is now, my friends
I’m a long way from the start, but further from the end
Oh no, it’s never too late
I got her started with a firm commitment to ending the drifting. Then I spent the next several weeks helping her draft the year she deeply desired.
Toward the end, she told me the three things we did that were most helpful in her process. I thought I would share them with you, so that you too, can draft an extraordinary year.
1. Determine who you want to become in each core area of your life.
As you will remember from last week, I work to help people in each of the seven core areas of their lives. In case you missed it, here are those seven areas:
- Relationships – Assessing the health of your relationships with spouse, significant other, friends, family, co-workers.
- Emotional Mastery – Developing the ability to identify and feel every emotion, determining the gift available to you in each emotion. Then to using the gift of the emotion to chart a course forward that empowers you AND inspires those around you.
- Spiritual Growth – The act of accepting that you have a life spark that was given to you and practicing the purposeful and intentional act of shining that life spark onto individuals, groups, and organizations in a way that inspires them to light up the darkness of others. Creating a cascade of light and life with your one small spark.
- Purposeful Living with Priority – Prioritizing daily life by things that align with your life’s purpose.
- Energy & Health – Taking care of your health, wellness, and vibrancy with powerful lifestyle practices.
- Career & Finances – Managing how you earn and create financial gain and manage career your career and/or business.
- Touching Others – Building a legacy by making a difference in others.
Last week I spoke about who you would want to become overall in your life in the coming year, and we set a power word around that. (If you missed it, you can find that here: https://drneecie.com/2023/11/27/4822/).
Now we are going to do the same thing looking specifically at each of the seven core areas.
“Whoa! That’s A LOT!” my client spewed at the thought of such a consideration.
“It is a lot!” I affirmed. “But it is one of the most crucial pieces to keep you from drifting into becoming someone you would not have otherwise chosen to be.”
“I didn’t expect you to put my commitment to stopping the drifting to the test right off the bat…but here we are. Do you think you could help me with this because I don’t even know where to start?”
I shared with her a worksheet that I often use when doing this exercise. If you would like a copy of it, you can download it by clicking here: (https://bit.ly/PurposefulDrafting). Or you can just grab your journal or a blank sheet of paper and get started.
We began with the core area of relationships.
I asked her, “If you looked at the end of the upcoming year and there was an awards ceremony for personal growth and achievement what would you hope you would be awarded for in your relationships?”
With a slight look of embarrassment, she almost whispered: “That I was actually “there” and intentionally present with my husband. That I had made him more important that my cell phone, and that I could actually experience him and his feelings in the moment.”
“Well done. We will use the words ‘intentionally present’.”
[As a side note, I asked what difference that would make in her marriage. She said with honesty: “Actual connection.”]
Wow! I hope you can see (as she did in that moment) how powerful this exercise can be!
Next, I asked her: “In relationships, what change would you be most proud to see within yourself?”
“Hmmm … well, I am approaching 9 months of sobriety. But I would love to see myself much less self-absorbed,” she said with a bit of lingering embarrassment.
“Tell me what would look different if you were less self-absorbed?” I asked softly.
“I’d actually care about others as much or more than myself,” she said with even more embarrassment.
I commented, “I hope you will let go of embarrassment. In my mind, speaking the truth about yourself and becoming willing to do something about it makes you a hero.”
A tear escaped as she nodded and whispered: “Thank you!”
“Could we use the words ‘present and caring’ for that one?” I asked. She smiled and nodded. (And was visibly much more relaxed without the heaviness of embarrassment).
“Finally, if it were the last year of your life, what would you hope people would say about you in your relationships after you were gone?” I asked.
With a bright smile, she responded: “That she loved with all that was within her, and she loved well!”
“I LOVE that,” I exclaimed! “And the great news is…it won’t be your last year, and you’ll get to be that the rest of your life!”
What about you? Go through all three questions and gather your list of words and phrases about who you wish to become. Write them all together as she did with hers:
In my relationships, I want to become: intentionally present and caring and loving well with all that’s within me.
Do it for all seven core areas.
This is sometimes a difficult task to ask ourselves questions that go beneath the surface, beneath our public façade and then to choose to step into our best selves. BUT…it puts an END to the drifting!
2. Assess the growth you desire in each area and set a tangible outcome.
“Now that you know who you wish to become in each of the core areas of your life, let’s take a look at tangible outcomes,” I continued with my client in our next session.
“Although I knew better, I was hoping that the first step was enough,” my client said as she grinned mischievously.
“I will go to any lengths necessary to make sure people stop the drifting!” I stated.
“So no, you aren’t off the hook yet! And the truth is, I bet you wouldn’t want to be!”
We both laughed.
Looking back on last week’s work (taking a look at the wheel of your life) will help you see where you need the greatest growth. (If you missed it you can go back to the blog and download that worksheet if you’d like! https://drneecie.com/2023/11/27/4822/).
I’m a big believer that we need to grow in all areas, but perhaps we would do well to apply more effort to some areas of our lives than others. The truth is, growth in specific areas often come a bit easier for us than other areas. And we like to focus our growth on those “easier” areas. When the truth is, applying more effort to those that require more from us create the greatest growth.
I got her started on another part of the worksheet. (Remember, you may download it by clicking here: https://bit.ly/PurposefulDrafting.)
Looking at her wheel of life, the relationship piece of the pie was one of her areas that needed the most attention. I said to her: “Relationship happens to be one of your areas that you would do well to spend significant time and energy addressing. Are you up for that?”
“Do I have a choice?” she asked with a grin. “Never mind! I know the answer to that! You would say, ‘Of course’, but then you’d ask if I really wanted a choice?”
“I couldn’t have said it better.”
I asked her the question that I’d like for you to ask yourself about the kind of growth you would like to see in yourself in each area, but specifically in relationships for her:
“Can you quantify and assign a descriptor of the quality of growth you would like to see in yourself in your relationship?”
After some quiet contemplation, she said, “I think a giant step is in order. The quality? Hmmm … sincere, intentional, sacrificial.”
“That’s honest, I can see it in your eyes,” I commented.
Now let’s set some tangible outcomes.
Yes, it’s similar to a goal, but it is laden with purpose.
“Can you tell me some things that might let us know you had become who you desired to become in your relationship, that you had accomplished the growth you desired in your relationship?” I asked.
She pondered for a moment, and said: “Well, my husband would be one happy man, we would be laughing and having fun, and I would be an intricate part of his world.”
“That sounds awesome!” I commented! “But if I was filming your life and had no audio, what would I see that would make me believe all of that had occurred?”
Again, she paused to think. “You would see us on weekly dates, quarterly trips, and day to day, hand in hand, laughing. Talking. With eye contact. No cell phones. I would go watch games he coached. He would come to some of my workshops. I would help with the yard, he would help with dinner. We’d be back in church together …”
She paused a moment, then laughed a bit: “I wouldn’t want you filming bedtime, but let’s just say I’d fall asleep in his arms again.”
“That is so sweet, and I wish all of those things for both of you!”
I continued: “Could the outcome be something like this:
Weekly dates, quarterly trips, all filled with love and laughter.
Daily togetherness with true presence and partnership, ending
in each other’s arms.”
“Yes! That’s it!” she said as she burst into tears.
They were tears of relief. Relief that she had a plan about who she was becoming, about something that would make a difference.
Not a new year’s resolution. A DRAFT of a new life instead of DRIFTing further away in her marriage!
We did that for each area of her life.
I hope you will do the same.
No resolutions. A plan. A plan with purpose. A plan that will lead your life to fulfillment.
3. Set your RAS with a powerful belief about who you will become and what you will achieve.
“What on earth is a RAS? And do I need to buy one?” my client asked with innocent curiosity?
“Well, the great news is that you were born with one!” I responded.
Your RAS is the size of a short, small pencil just above the spinal cord inside the brain. Its major function is a lot like a Google search engine. It searches for whatever you tell it to search for.
How do you tell it what you want it to search for? You do so with what you say, what you focus on, what you believe.
If you believe that relationships suck, you will only pay attention to sitcoms or research or conversations that affirm that relationships suck. (And there’s plenty of that begging for your attention!)
If someone speaks of a wonderful relationship, you will daydream and not even tune in. Because that’s not what you have told your RAS to search for.
On the other hand, if you were to say to yourself every morning, or say a prayer every morning, or listen to a podcast every morning about fulfilling relationships, that’s just what your RAS will search for.
I led my client through two parts of this. (Again, you may download the worksheet if you’d like by clicking here: https://bit.ly/PurposefulDrafting).
The first part is about what you believe about that area of your life. Good, bad, and ugly.
I did this by asking my client the same question 10 times. I’d like you to ask yourself the same question and write your 10 answers.
“So…answer this for me,” I said to my client.
“Relationships are…”
At first, she looked at me as if I wasn’t finished with the question. I waited.
“Uhhh … hard!”
“Again, relationships are …”
“Only good in the beginning.”
“Relationships are …”
“A waste of time.”
“Relationships are…”
“Unpredictable.”
“Relationships are…”
“My kryptonite.”
When we had 10 answers, it was clear that her RAS wasn’t set for searching for her outcome she desired. Nor was it leading her to becoming who she wanted to be in her relationship.
“So, I love who you desire to become in your relationship. I love your outcomes you set. But I hope you can see that your brain is not partnering with you in this unless we program it differently. Because ultimately, it will prevail!”
“No wonder this has gone to hell in a handbasket!” she proclaimed.
“Let’s come up with an RAS setter that will search for what you DO want, instead of continuing to lead you adrift!” I suggested.
Immediately, she popped out: “My presence in my relationship is working miracles on our love story!”
“Beautiful!” I proclaimed as I tossed my iPad aside and gave her a big hug!
Do the same for each of your core areas.
Yes! It takes time! But not nearly as much time and energy as rowing your boat back to shore after you’ve been adrift for another year!
Now your next step is to proclaim each outcome, and each RAS setter every morning with enthusiasm. More on that next week!
*********
I am wrapping this up with great hopes that you will not just read this. That you will DO IT!
I love what Napoleon Hill wrote:
“You are the master of your destiny. You can influence, direct, and control your own environment. You can make your life what you want it to be.”
Personally, I believe that my good planning, aligning with my purpose, and with God’s help is my formula for seizing an abundant life where I am thriving in fulfillment. It works for me year after year.
I deeply desire the same thing for you. You deserve more than:
– The hamster wheel
– Day after exhausted day
– Living paycheck to paycheck
– Wishing for more
– Just getting by
You deserve a life rich in all the things you value.
My calling, my cause, my purpose is to help you find it!
It’s available to you…I promise you!
I believe in you! And I believe in the life you desire and deserve!
