“I’d just like for one holiday to be filled with peace in my heart and peace in my home,” my client said in a pleading tone.
I knew I could help them because (as someone has said) they wanted peace more than they wanted to be right.
“Please, please, please help me get there!”
The desperation in her voice, her tear-filled eyes, and her tone told me that she deeply desired a peaceful holiday.
More than anything else in her life.
– I could feel it deeply as she shared.
– I already knew of her early trauma with her dad.
– I knew of her husband’s inadvertent chaos-creating-bent that permeated their home.
Not to mention, the recent health challenges. All of those things were heavy on her mind and heart.
It’s not unusual that all the things that concern us become magnified at the holidays when we have a history of trauma.
I also know that about 90% of us have experienced some level of trauma… so her experience is not unique.
Rebekah Brown wrote these words for the CPTSD Foundation which resonate with so many people’s experiences:
“For me, holidays were the worst kind of stress. Mixed messages were never louder. An obligation was never more suffocating, and safety never felt more threatened. I spent the entire time reading the room, running interference, placating, and trying to please unappeasable people. Trying…trying…trying…until the holidays were finally over, and I could collapse in a heap and begin to dread the next year’s go around. Celebrate? There was no celebrating. There was only surviving.”
I think in so many ways, my client’s plea to me was: “HELP ME DO MORE THAN JUST SURVIVE THESE HOLIDAYS!”
I helped her look for (and deal with) three things that might help her navigate her way to peace through the holidays.
I’m sharing them with you this week in hopes that they will be helpful for you.
Many of us have a bit of a nervous-fear-driven script that we expect to hear and usually share at holiday gatherings. Same old same old…expect to hear them and perhaps the need to share them.
But this time don’t play out that role.
Start this year writing your own script which espouses the peace you long for over trying act right or be right.
- LET IT GO!!
- We DON’T have to play the game.
- Kindly excuse yourself and walk away.
I’m committed to helping as many as possible put the serenity of “Silent Night”, the excitement of “Joy to the World,” and the peace of ‘I’m Dreaming of A White Christmas’ back into YOUR holidays.
1. It may feel like there are stones in your hiking boots.
“Sometimes holidays highlight things that are already a challenge, but we’ve learned to ignore them,” I told my client.
“I think I know what you mean, but could you give me an example?” she asked.
I explained: “For me, I think of it as being on a hike, occasionally you can get a bit of gravel in your boot. It may not seem like that big of a deal…particularly if it’s cold and you don’t want to take your boot off to get it out.”
She listened intently as I continued.
“But after a while, that one little stone works its way up to the ball of your foot and can no longer be ignored,” I said with a wince.
She got it immediately.
“So, you just can’t ignore it…even though you might not want to do anything about it!”
“Exactly!” I validated. “And sometimes those little things that you were able to ignore find their way to a tender place (in our heart more than on the ball of our foot)…then we simply must do something.”
“That actually happened to me over the weekend…” she began and trailed off as emotions welled up within.
I waited.
“I had asked my husband to help me with a little outdoor Christmas project…and the dramatics began as he went off… ‘That could ruin this, and this could happen, and I don’t know about this’!”
Her face proved it was no longer something that she could overlook.
“In 5.2 seconds, he became a worse Scrooge than my dad at Christmas…”
A tear escaped, as her lip quivered: “It crushed the wonder of Christmas out of me just like my dad always did.”
I leaned toward her, took her hand, and said softly.
“That stone in your boot became a spear in your heart at that moment, didn’t it?”
“It sure did!” she said in a precious little girl’s voice.
I suggested to her what I’d like to suggest to you.
Take a moment and symbolically remove the stone from your boot, and tuck it away…and determine to deal with it as soon as you can, even if it is after the holidays.
For me, that involves taking a candy kiss and placing it in the drawer with my hairbrush in it.
Why candy a kiss?
Because it is something sweet.
Although I do not eat sugar, it reminds me that what feels like a stone, or a dagger, can become something sweet as I address and heal it.
– Why my hairbrush drawer?
– Because it’s out of place.
– And will not let me forget.
Find your own symbolism for any stones that arise in your hiking boots during the holidays.
There’s only ONE person we can change … yourself!
2. Trauma bonds may feel confusing.
What is trauma bonding? It’s when a person who has been traumatized by another feels attached to the one associated with the trauma.
“Could that be like me feeling sorry for my dad because this is his first Christmas without his wife?” she asked honestly.
I nodded affirmatively and asked her if that was confusing to her.
She said, “YES! Even though for years we’ve not had him over on Christmas day! Since I drew a boundary, we’ve gone over there on Christmas afternoon to deliver gifts…because he’d always show up drunk, he always ruined Christmas…and…I actually thought about inviting him over again.”
She must’ve seen the concern on my face because she immediately added.
“But…I’m not going to do that!”
In addition, I reminded her that even though she and her husband were doing some trauma healing work in their relationship because of the results of his addiction, affairs, and chaos creation…she also needed to be cautious that trauma bonding did not lead her to feeling sorry from for him…and relaxing her boundaries with him that we had established.
(Things like he’d not be able to criticize or speak negatively to her without a safe conversation, he’d not be able to swear at her, etc.)
She nodded and then asked with curiosity.
“Why is it so hard during the holidays?”
I assured her that it was hard for everyone…because down deep, we all want to practice “peace on earth, goodwill toward me.”
So, the trauma bond pulls on our hearts.
At the holidays we’re faced head-on with family blessings or the lack thereof.
We are face to face with US and OUR issues and what WE have not yet let go of.
It’s a time, that if we’re not careful, the ruminations about our past, what we can NEVER change…will take our hearts to victim land and we will become the synergy of the blues.
When the ‘feeling sorry for’ or the ‘guilt’ comes up during the holidays, acknowledge to yourself what you’re feeling…get honest!
And make decisions that do not allow you to submit to any trauma bond.
3. Trauma responses may appear unexpectedly.
My client half asked, and half stated: “I have a feeling that you’re going to tell me that I’m in a trauma response when I feel dysregulated?”
I responded quickly: “Yes. A trauma response is our bodies’ programmed reaction to a trigger. It can be physical, emotional, or psychological. Usually involves fighting, fleeing, freezing, or fawning.”
Then I added … as we both honored the pause …
“We’re all a bit more vulnerable during the holidays. And that’s totally understandable. Much of the focus is on children which takes us all back to a time before the end / loss of our innocence.”
Across the board, trauma, or not, I encourage everyone to adopt a holiday practice (that should be continued throughout the year):
- No reactions allowed.
- If you experience any emotion whatsoever…zip it and press pause.
- If you respond at all, do so in a way that leaves your dignity and the other person’s dignity intact.
“Oops!” my client confessed … “I think I’ve already violated that guideline a number of times!”
I appreciated her confession but told her it was not too late for a fresh start!
I hope that you will adopt the same communication style.
Not just for the holidays, but for every day of the year.
If we all communicated with one another in this style, trauma would be no more!
I encouraged my client this way: “I know this is difficult…but you can do it…you control you and ONLY you!”
She responded.
“I simply must! Because that’s what I’d want my children to see…and who I want them to become!”
*****
Dr. Frank Anderson says:
“Holidays are challenging for all of us; they’re even more challenging for those who suffer trauma. If we recognize our responses as our best attempt to protect us, are reassured that we have what we need inside of us to make good decisions, release what doesn’t belong to us, and rise above the actions of others, our trauma doesn’t dominate our lives or dictate our decision making.”
No matter who we are or where we’ve come from, or what we’ve experienced…we all long for holidays filled with peace, love, joy, laughter, and gratitude.
I hope you will determine to do things that bring all those elements into your holidays.
Because they are contagious!
Here’s the best checklist from I Corinthians 13 for all of us to govern our every response with…
Love is patient…are you?
Love is kind…will you be?
It does not envy…will you be happy for them?…even if you have to fake it?
It does not boast…does it really need to be said?
It is not proud…will you let go of the need to have it your way?
It does not dishonor others…will it really help if you say it?
It is not self-seeking…will you just…LET IT GO!
It is not easily angered…can you just chill when you feel or experience the same old “stuff”?
It keeps no record of wrongs…can you act like it doesn’t matter till you feel like it doesn’t?
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth…can you stay positive?
It always protects…can you speak only words that build?
LOVE…Always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres…can you/me/we live like there’s hope?
LET’S DO THIS!!
Regardless of our trauma, we have the opportunity to create cascades of love, peace, and joy with our gratitude and love!
