“I’ve spent my whole life living for the next glass of wine, the next comment on my Facebook posts, and/or the next game. Football, basketball, baseball, soccer … any sport will do!” my client confessed.
He paused, and I could see he wanted to continue, yet didn’t want to say aloud what he knew was true.
“But I have challenged relationships with my wife, my adult children, and practically no relationship with my grandchildren.”
I nodded and leaned forward, knowing that it was a critical moment for him.
“My wife is over it. My kids have given up on me. My grandkids only know me by name. How sad is that?” he asked rhetorically.
“Very sad,” I said gently. “But obviously you’re here … hoping for something different …”
He interrupted with: “I don’t even know what to ask for. I’m a good man. I really am. I have NO IDEA why I am the way I am. I guess it’s just who I am?”
I waited while he was clearly processing and considering his next words.
“I don’t guess a man changes when he’s in his 70s. I’ve done some short-term counseling through the years, but always while wondering if any of this psychobabble stuff would work for me?”
I smiled with compassion.
“People don’t really change, do they? I mean it is what it is, and I am what I am,” he informed me.
I responded: “So, I am curious what got you here today? I hear your dilemma; I hear your doubts about changing. Yet you are here. Which I honor and admire. How did you get here?”
“Something my wife said that you said to her … ‘He’s not a bad person. He is obviously branded with trauma messaging, and an unhealthy attachment style. He just doesn’t know any other way with his hard drive (and heart drive) being programmed the way it is’ … Did you say that to her?” he asked with curiosity and a spark of hope.
“Yes, I do recall saying that to her …”
He interrupted again.
“So are you the one that told her to lay down the law?”
I chuckled quietly: “I am the one who directed her to set some boundaries.”
“Well, she did … and that’s why I’m here …” he said with frustration and a bit of surrender at the same time.
My client is not unusual.
We live in a culture where connection and presence are rare.
Recently, someone said to me something that reflects great wisdom:
“Being present = connection. Being connected = presence.”
We have learned faux connection through addictive substances, addictive processes, social media, recliner coaching of sports, and/or unhealthy / inappropriate relationships.
After conversing about those things, I asked my client, “Did you know that the way you connect (or don’t) is set in you by the time you start school as a kindergartener?”
He shook his head, then asked woefully: “Does that mean it’s too late?”
I assured him, “It’s absolutely NOT too late. It’s NEVER too late … as long as you have breath on this earth! And … you’re not too old!”
He looked a bit relieved.
I continued: “Let’s look at how faux connection is not the ‘real thing’ … And then we can assess the attachment style that was set in you. We can keep the good and toss the parts that keep you distant …”
He interjected: “And keep my wife lonely? And my kids perplexed by my absence and isolation?”
I responded gently: “Yes! But it probably keeps YOU lonely too!”
I saw his eyes reddening, as he said almost in a whisper, “Yes, it does. But this needs to not be about me. It’s time that it’s about my wife, and my family.”
I admired that.
What about you? Are you living in ‘faux connection’?
And want something better?
Whether it’s you or someone you love … you deserve better … and so do they!
(From my friend in AA … “Getting out of yourself is one of the main reasons meeting attendance is promoted so heavily in the fellowship of AA. Being present has a way of taking us away from the circus in our heads and the spinning rationale that drones on in us. Turning the focus towards the needs of someone else. And there’s simply NOTHING that eliminates loneliness, the unwillingness to be present, and the call of isolation … like loving and caring for someone else.”)
I hope that you’ll follow this series and get ‘real connection’!
Like Marvin Gaye sings: “Ain’t nothing like the ‘real thing’ baby!”
Let’s look at the faux connections that our culture mistakes as the ‘real thing’!
1. Faux Connection: Addiction
My client rolled his eyes as he realized this was the topic of the day.
He moaned: “I’m almost 30 days sober … but this is so hard!”
I nodded with understanding, and suggested we start with the definition of addiction.
It is:
- When someone uses a process or substance to
medicate painful reality …
- Which has harmful consequences to themselves and
those they love and/or those who love them …
- Which they choose to ignore, deny, justify, or explain away …
- Leaving a trail of destruction …
- Which they refuse to acknowledge …
- While using weapons of mass confusion to keep the
focus off themselves
- Resulting in those who love them feeling “crazy” and
often traumatized.
I explained to him, “Although your drinking is certainly an addiction, it may not be the only one?”
“Is that a question?” he asked, clearly hoping it wasn’t.
“Yes, it’s a question … We all get caught up believing drugs and alcohol are the only culprits when the list of possibilities is long. It can include things such as:
Pornography or sex Food, carbs, or sugar
Work or busy-ness Sports or Netflix series
Religion Exercise
Smoking Gummies
Approval seeking Gambling
Being right Self Image
Gossiping Drama
Chaos Gaming
Social media Picking (nose, nails, teeth, fights)
I informed him that research has connected many of these addictions to loneliness. People are lonely, but afraid or unable to connect. So, they all too often use a process or substance to fill the hole. (A ‘faux’ connection.
The Gateway foundation says: “Loneliness is a serious epidemic that is overshadowed in the modern world. According to a recent survey, nearly 75% of Americans are lonely, and Forbes reports show that the number of lonely people has tripled in the last four decades.
With feelings of loneliness at an all-time high, some people turn to drugs or alcohol (or other addictions) to self-medicate and mask these painful emotions. However, addiction is an incredibly lonely disease that only leads to more isolation.”
My client commented: “I hate to admit it. But I do turn to my wine to relieve the loneliness. Also, I’m a bit shy, and after a couple of glasses … or 3 or 4 … I can ‘come out of my shell’ a little.”
I responded: “The perfect storm for an addiction of any sort …”
He was processing, and it appeared he was looking for words.
He looked up sheepishly as he shared: “It’s the ultimate selfishness. I turn to what makes me feel less lonely … inflicting the worst loneliness on my wife. And ultimately, my kids.”
I validated his transparency and his courage to share vulnerably.
-What about you?
-Do you use any substance or process to fill the loneliness?
-Ultimately leaving those who desire your presence lonely?
I repeated to my client, as I would say to you: “It’s not that you’re a bad person. I believe you’re a good man (or woman). But let’s just accept and admit that it’s a poor way to resolve loneliness. And work together to find real connection … instead of faux connection!”
He nodded in agreement.
People isolate because they started life without healthy connection and someone being present enough to care and affirm their presence.
And so, it feels safer and more familiar to isolate than to relive what made it so in the first place.
Add in an addiction and you have the perfect reasoning loop playing in your head to justify staying alone.
Let me remind you again (in harmony with Marvin Gaye): “Ain’t nothing like the ‘real thing’ baby” … connection … presence!
“Alcohol ruined my life, and I decided to never let it control me again. It destroyed my marriages and relationships, damaged my health, and kept me from being the person I truly wanted to be.”
Sir Anthony Hopkins
2. Faux Connection: Social Media
“I’m sure my wife sent you a message and told you to make certain you hit on my cell phone,” my client half asked, half stated.
I humored him with: “Well, if that’s where you conduct your social media life … YES!”
I shared with him that research has revealed that social media has been associated with:
- Diminished relationship skills
- Decline in communication skills
- Reduction in relationship satisfaction
- Increase in phubbing one another
- Less quality time when spending time with one another
- Increase in betrayal and infidelity-related choices
- Boosting unrealistic expectations
- Fueling disconnection in intimate relationships
- Promoting distraction from relationships
- Exasperating difficult dynamics in relationships
“I just enjoy seeing what others are up to,” my client defended.
“I’m not a social media hater,” I said. “But here’s my question for you. Do you spend as much time and focus on building your marriage or building your relationship with your children as you do on social media?”
“Uhhhh … Mmmmm … Well …” he stuttered. “They would all say: NO!”
“And you would say?” I asked with a grin.
“Nailed!” he responded.
“Social media can be a good thing, used in the right ways, with carefully monitored time limits,” I suggested.
I asked, already suspecting the answer: “How important is it to you how many likes or comments you get when you post?”
He explained: “Oh, I guess I like it when others respond.”
I pressed in: “And after you post, how many times do you check to see how many likes and how many comments you get?”
“Uhhh … too many!” he confessed.
“And how much time do you spend noting your wife’s and your kid’s responses to you over a family dinner?”
“Uhhh … not enough!”
I explained to him that we all can look good … and present the face we want the world to see easily on social media.
But the likes and comments build our ego and keep us wanting more dopamine hits.
All while those who love us are left without connection.
Without our presence.
Someone said something very interesting to me that resonated deeply:
“I’ve got to stay off social media. I cannot be connected, engaged, or present with my wife or my family when I’m on it. I’ve realized that being connected, being present with them affirms their value and worth. And the lack of my presence and connection speaks lack of worth to them.”
“OUCH!” was the only response I got.
“I have a personal belief that spending time on social media is only appropriate after I have appropriately invested in the relationships with the important people in my life … first,” I shared.
“Then I’d better come off of social media right now,” my client suggested.
“Or maybe just make the important investments of time, presence, and connections face-to-face with those who matter … first,” I added.
What about you? Are you using social media for faux connection?
“People can use social media to stay connected to long-distance friends and family members or improve communication with their partners, children, and healthcare professionals. In contrast, social media use can lead to less quality in-person time spent with loved ones and relationship dissatisfaction.” Jacquelyn Johnson, PsyD
Just remember, Marvin Gaye and I believe: “There ain’t nothing like the ‘real thing’ baby!”
3. Faux Connection: News, Sports & Weather
“Don’t even go there,” my client begged.
“I know I have this thing about knowing what’s going on in the world …
About being in the know …
About being deaf, dumb, and blind to everything but the TV …
About obsessing over how to get to watch what I want to watch …
Whenever I want to watch it.”
I just looked at him and smiled, watching his restlessness and clear hope that he’d be ‘off the hook’.
I asked him: “Did you know that screens are the most hypnotic devices in the world?”
He looked at me curiously as he asked: “I’m not clear on what that means …”
I explained: “The reason you can be ‘deaf, dumb, and blind’ to everything but the TV is that you’re literally hypnotized. Your need to be ‘in the know’ is your brain’s need to have interesting topics for conversation.”
He timidly asked, “Is that a problem?”
I cryptically responded with: “I’m not sure. Why don’t you ask your wife?”
He looked like he’d been hit in the gut with a baseball.
“God forbid that you are not loaded with new, sports, or weather data and trivia. And be forced to engage in intimate or meaningful conversation,” I suggested with a grin.
I guessed his concern and suggested: “I’m not hoping you will opt out of all sports, news, and weather. But I am hoping you will learn to ‘read the room’ and know if you’ve made appropriate investment in your important relationships FIRST!”
He argued: “But how would I know that?”
With another grin, I proposed: “Perhaps have a conversation with your wife (and kids) early in the week. Talk about the games you’d like to watch. And ask what you could do to make sure you had spent time, quality time with her (or them) to garner her (or their) blessing to watch.”
He was processing.
“Or in the morning, make a quick plan of what she (or they) needed for you to have a ‘short time’ with news, sports, and weather in the day or evening.”
He confessed with appropriate shame, “I just don’t think like that. Instead, I end up pissing her off so that she won’t want to be around me … and I have all the time I need to watch. Maybe I really do just suck as a husband …”
“Well, at moments that could be true,” I validated (much to his dismay) … “But let’s change those moments and begin to get connected and be present!”
After a moment of reflection, he nodded: “I really do want that. But I hope you can help me learn to connect and be present.”
“We can certainly do that!” I assured him.
-What about you?
-Do you make the appropriate investments in your important relationships? -Or do you prioritize your news, weather, and sports?
Making faux connections with them … instead of “real connection” with those you love, those that love you?
We will look at your programming to attach, connect, be present over the coming weeks, just as I did with my client.
You know as well as I, we prioritize how we look to others (clients, co-workers, friends) over facing the discomfort of our insecurities to become intimately healthy with those that matter most.
Why? It just doesn’t feel good. It’s work.
But worth it!
But our first step is acknowledging our “faux connection.”
Remember, Marvin Gaye and I are certain of this: “There ain’t nothing like the ‘real thing’ baby!”
***
“The ability to be in the present moment is a major component of mental wellness.” – Abraham Maslow
Faux connection.
Our culture leads us to get it in ways that harm our ability to connect and be present with those we love and those who love us.
Let’s resign from that cultural norm and devote ourselves to the “real thing” baby!
The real thing?
What does that connection look like?
I love what Brene Brown says about it:
“I define connection as the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.”
