“My sponsor told me that I need at least a year of sobriety under my belt before I start working on my marriage,” my client said defensively.
“My wife says there won’t be a marriage to work on in a year!” he moaned.
“So, what the hell am I supposed to do?” he asked in desperation.
(From my friend in AA, “It’s the thing you don’t want to hear but it’s the only thing that works EVERY time … and that’s that the only person you can fix is the one you see in the mirror. And that’s the only work you should commit to. Because if you stay typically selfish like when you’re drinking and think everyone should just ‘get you’ now, you’ll remain a dry version of the drunk that’s caused all your chaos and never resolve the reason why you became who you are. Real recovery is a solo journey to transform your inner most self and the quicker you get there the quicker people change because YOU changed.”)
I smiled and leaned forward, because I hear this dilemma often. I knew I might be in for a rodeo.
But it wasn’t my first rodeo, and I have a ‘pretty big’ belt buckle to prove it!
I began gently and cautiously.
“I know that sobriety is often the first step to saving a marriage that’s been plagued with addiction. AND … I know that it’s CRUCIAL that the marriage be addressed very early in the process of recovery.”
I could see he was listening intently.
I shared from my heart: “I know what it’s like to be married to an addict, and to be traumatized by addiction. I always counsel from this position:
- Step 1 summary – ‘I can’t …’
- Step 2 summary – ‘He can …’
- Step 3 summary – ‘I think I’ll let Him …’
- THEN TAKE THE HAND OF YOUR SPOUSE OR PARTNER AND HEAL TOGETHER!
I believe that can be done in a sincerely devoted 24-hour period.”
He nodded curiously.
I continued: “Now I’m not suggesting that you should not go back and work an in-depth Step 1, 2, and 3. But you should take the hand of your partner and begin the journey together.”
He commented, “That makes sense. But what if she won’t?”
I said, “Usually, if you humble yourself enough, own your need for sobriety, and ask for grace, knowing it might take time to be ‘believable’ … your request will be heard. But she might doubt your intentions, because most addicts have said similar things a plethora of times. But you must remain devoted and steady. That alone will likely be a difference that makes a difference.”
I continued: “But understand that she may not respond positively immediately. You must be careful not to do what many addicts do if she resists … And that is to go to ‘poor me’ mode. Fight for her. Fight for the marriage. BE DIFFERENT!”
He nodded with concern.
“It may take a while, depending on what you’ve put her through with your addiction,” I warned. “But if you stay steady, treat her the way you should’ve treated her (while using was more important than your marriage). Be consistent. It will speak loudly over time.”
If you’re reading this … and your spouse/partner is leaving, or is already gone … you must be stable, steady, and consistent!
It’s not too late. Even if they’re gone. Even if they’ve found someone else.
You being committed to your recovery, being kind and respectful, initiating healthy conversation, and showing the love they’ve been starved of can bring great turnaround!
I’m a BIG BELIEVER in what I’m sharing … and I’ve seen it work in thousands of marriages.
“I hope to God it will work in mine!” my client said with despair in his voice.
I leaned toward him with compassion, but asked very directly, “Have you taken steps 1, 2, and 3?”
“Yes. Long overdue, but yes,” he replied with honesty and humility.
“Have you taken her hand and communicated your intentions, and owned what you have put her through?” I asked, with firmness again.
“Not really …” he said shamefully.
“Well, it’s time!” I said with authority.
He nodded with watery eyes and confessed: “It’s past time!”
I validated: “Yes it is! And you must invite her to heal together with you. Tell her I can help you learn how to do that. And if she doesn’t respond the way you’d like … be gracious and understanding. Do you understand?”
In a childlike manner, he nodded affirmatively … as if he was in the principal’s office. And indeed, he was … in a certain kind of way.
You cannot get to healing, much less long-term sobriety … unless you are willing to do these things!
This week, I will be addressing the addict.
Next week, I will be addressing the spouse/partner of the addict.
This is a journey. But I know the way. Personally, and professionally.
I will be your biggest cheerleader and your greatest believer in your marriage.
But as my client added when I said that to him: “And I feel sure you’ll be my worst nightmare if I relapse or fail to do this in a way that honors her and our marriage!”
I responded with one word: “AMEN!”
“The alcoholic, realizing what his wife has endured, and now fully understanding how much he himself did to damage her and his children, nearly always takes up his marriage responsibilities with a willingness to repair what he can and to accept what he can’t. He persistently tries all A.A.’s Twelve Steps in his home, often with fine results. At this point he firmly but lovingly commences to behave like a partner instead of like a bad boy. And above all he is finally convinced that reckless romancing is not a way of life for him.” Steps & 12 Traditions, page 119.
Here are the first 3 things I helped him with to get started.
I know they will be helpful to you as well!
Let’s do this and see the transformation you’ve longed for!
Even if it seems like marriage and addiction go together like oil & vinegar … the truth is … if shaken up in a good way, it can create a delicious relationship!
1. Choose your marriage – choose sobriety!
If you are wondering if you are “really an addict” as most addicts do … let me define it for you:
Addiction is:
- When someone uses a process or substance to medicate painful reality …
- Which has harmful consequences to themselves and those they love …
- Which they choose to ignore, deny, justify, or explain away …
- Leaving a trail of destruction …
- Which they choose NOT to acknowledge …
- Using weapons of mass confusion to keep the focus off themselves
- Making those who love them feel “crazy.”
If your spouse/partner would check off the boxes of the definition … and you really care about your marriage … choose sobriety.
Otherwise, you are choosing your addiction over your marriage.
I KNOW that’s not who you are.
And if you are correct, and it’s not an addiction, it should be no trouble at all laying it down.
My client chimed in, “I didn’t believe I was an addict. I have believed it was her problem. So, I laid down the drinking, but …”
I jumped in, “But WHAT? Were there other substances or processes you were engaging in?”
The addiction list is long and could include things that are “socially acceptable.” Things such as:
Pornography or sex Food, carbs, or sugar
Work or busy-ness Sports or Netflix series
Religion Exercise
Smoking Gummies
Approval seeking Gambling
Being right Self Image
Gossiping Drama
Chaos Gaming
Social media Picking (nose, nails, teeth, fights)
Cell phones Playing sports
Watching sports Spending/ obtaining “stuff”
“What on that list are you using or involved in? Or was it something not on the list?”
He snapped back with: “You just don’t let up, do you?”
I said unashamedly: “No, because I’m a big proponent of marriage. And there’s no room for addiction in a marriage. It’s a mistress!”
“Smoking. I took up smoking,” he admitted.
Sometimes in AA, they suggest addressing one addiction at a time. I TOTALLY disagree (as does the research).
You cannot save your marriage with any ‘go to’ mistress in the middle of it!
“I don’t smoke that much,” he informed me.
“Then it shouldn’t be a problem to lay it down,” I repeated.
“Okay, okay!” he said. “I will do ANYTHING to save my marriage.”
“Cigar? Cigarettes? Pot?” I asked.
“Cigars,” he confessed.
I instructed him: “You said you’d do anything … Go down to your truck and bring me your stash.”
He looked at me a second, walked out and returned in two minutes with the stash. I pointed to the waste basket, and he dropped them in it.
“Anything else I should know about?” I asked.
He shook his head no.
I validated with: “I think it will mean the world to your wife that you are finally choosing your marriage over your substances/processes!”
You may be reading this and think it’s a bit harsh.
Honestly, I just care so much about your marriage that I’m willing to do what it takes to help you save it! But I cannot save it alone. I need your cooperation.
I know you’ve longed to choose sobriety.
You’ve longed to stop.
Every addict does.
You aren’t an addict because you are a bad person. You are an addict because you are “medicating.”
-Perhaps it’s unresolved trauma.
-Or many disappointments.
-Or loss.
(From my AA friend. “Happiness depended upon my access to booze and most importantly … when. If I couldn’t calculate or if something disrupted my ‘when’ I wouldn’t and couldn’t be all there. I became that self-absorbed other person, that every addict becomes, when they can’t use the one thing they’ve built their egocentric happiness around. We alcoholics build our lives around the control of ‘when’! And God help the people or events that alters that (or tries to!) WE and WE alone control our ‘being present’ and our being present depends on our control of our ‘when’. If that sounds crazy … that’s because … it is!)
I am calling the person you were created to be forward.
Just as I was doing with my client.
For those of you courageous enough to join me on the journey, I say: “Welcome home!”
2. Make marriage a key component of recovery.
Healing your marriage is one of the most important parts of your recovery.
“But I have NO CLUE how to heal my marriage,” my client confessed.
-I understood totally.
-I don’t assume that any addict knows how to heal their marriage.
-If they do, certainly I encourage them to jump in and do it.
Otherwise, I start with some key exercises,
One of them is safe conversations, as developed by Drs. Helen & Harville Hendrix.
I sponsor the course at least a few times annually (Drop me an email if you’d like to be notified of upcoming dates: DrNeecie@DrNeecie.com).
However, I get couples started with a few key points:
- Ask for an appointment
- Whoever asks for the conversation shares what is on their heart and mind in paragraphs
- The other (the listener) reflects back and asks if there’s more
- This continues until the one sharing says there’s no more
- Then the listener validates by sharing: “It makes sense to me …” (sharing at least one thing they heard that helped them understand more about their partner)
- Then the listener empathizes by sharing: “Listening to what you shared, you must feel …” (guess about 3 feelings they might be feeling). Then ask: “Did I get that right?”
- If so, the person sharing thanks them for listening. If not, they give input, and the listener reflects until they get it right.
- The person sharing thanks them for listening.
Then, after a break the listener can opt to share while the other becomes the listener.
I have couples do this in my office the first few times. Typically, addicts are quite reactive, and it takes some practice for them to listen, reflect, validate, and empathize.
The amount of healing that can occur in these conversations is massive.
I encourage the spouse/partner of the addict do as many of these as needed to share their experience of being married to an addict.
Most feel it’s been a VERY LONG time since they (the partner of the addict) have been heard, or since they have had a voice.
(From my AA friend. “Most everyone assumes that if the alcoholic stops drinking … problems solved. Many, if not all, alcoholics think this way at first … too! It’s NOT the drinking that has to change … it’s the thinking that fuels the drinking! Humility towards and in yourself is the ONLY way to discover the thinking that has to change. As Rich Roll said recently on his podcast, ‘For me to get sober EVERYTHING in my life had to change’. First, we stop medicating so we can clearly see and feel the WHY behind WHY we abusively drink. True humility is seeing what you can and can’t trust about ‘yourself’ and then living the willingness to do whatever it takes to change everything. Now that’s … surrender.”)
When my client brought his wife in for us to do this exercise, he was surprised at how poor his listening skills were.
However, in the “validation” part, he was able to share: “It makes sense to me why you say you feel so lonely, because I really am not tuned in.”
It was very healing to her to hear that.
After a couple of times through, they were able to do them on their own.
The second thing I have the begin to do is to share 3 things in the evening that they are grateful to the other for.
Gratitude is sucked out of the relationship when addiction is present.
Why?
Because addiction creates 3 people in a relationship not 2.
You get one of ‘them’ when they’re sober and the other version of ‘them’ when they’re using … that equals 4. Two of ‘them’… the addictive substance … to one of you.
At first, the spouse/partner of the addict may have to reach back in time for things to be grateful for.
But then I encourage that they look for more recent things.
Start small.
-I’m grateful that you texted me today.
-I’m grateful that you offered to bring me coffee this morning.
-I’m grateful that you got home from work on time today.
…For the addict, I suggest that they express gratitude for the grace they’ve been given.
…For the spouse/partner staying with you when you choose addiction over them.
…For them being willing to express gratitude to you.
My client and his wife began this gratitude exercise immediately.
Shortly after, she sent me a message that said: “It’s been so many years since I’ve been acknowledged, I soak every gratitude up like a dry sponge in the desert.”
You can begin this healing immediately.
It won’t fix everything, but it will give your marriage a much-needed boost!
(From my AA friend. “Addiction. You are the problem. You are the solution. But you are not the problem. But you are medicating the problem. And knowing THAT and understanding THAT is the meaning of recovery.”)
3. Become healing partners.
“What on earth is a healing partner?” my client asked, as most people do.
I shared with him:
“Healing partners are two people who are fully committed to their relationship, their own personal growth & development, and the personal growth & development of their partner. They come alongside one another with a stance of zero negativity, full accountability … committed to noting the impact of their words, behavior, and decisions on the other person, and on the relationship. They are present with one another and invest daily in the relationship.”
“THAT’S ALOT!” my client commented in overwhelm.
“It is … but it is worth it!” I assured him. “Healing partnership is not just something you turn on or turn off. It is something that you commit to, invest in, work on, and evolve into.”
I continued: “But let me ask you this … if we could wave a magic wand and immediately turn your relationship to what I described, would your marriage be different? Would your life be different? Would YOU be different?”
“Oh my gosh .. YES!” he proclaimed. “But how do we get there?”
“One step at a time,” I reassured him.
One of the things that is most helpful is when you can find others who are dedicated to healing partnership and spend time with them!
Once again, I invited his wife to join us as we reviewed the steps to moving toward healing partnership. They included things such as:
- Zero negativity challenge
- Set aside the need to be right to make the relationship most important
- Communicate using reflection, validation, and empathy
- Practice emotional and relationship maturity
- Do something to “make their partner’s day” every day
- Know and meet your partner’s needs
- Give up “fixing”
- Take time daily to invest in the relationship
- Have the courage to ask how you are doing as a healing partner
- Or how you could do better
They committed to two things to begin moving their marriage in the direction of a healing partnership.
Zero negativity challenge – To go one week with no negative talk, expressions, body language, tones, etc. (And they chose a “fun word” to remind one another when negativity is in the air. They chose “cruise control” because they love to cruise and are normally in their best mood while on one!)
Daily relationships investment – Doing one thing daily to invest in the relationship. They discussed things like quality time, fun activities, acts of kindness, romantic gestures, and asking each other what they could do for the other to make their day better daily).
Yes, it requires investment to become healing partners. But as you move that direction, you will find that you are so devoted that what comes between most couples become the things that draw you even closer!
*****
Addiction destroys way too many marriages.
But it does not have to destroy yours.
Likely there is damage to be healed.
Likely there is work to be done.
But let’s do it!
“You and your spouse may be going through a hard time right now in your marriage. You may be in the early stages of healing from addiction, or you may be on your way to recovery but feeling stuck. Whatever challenges you and your spouse are facing, it’s never too early or too late to heal your marriage.” Jake Gorman
Addiction does not have to define you.
Addiction does not have to define your marriage.
You can step forward into healing partnership!
And I can assure you … there are thousands of couples you can help on their journey!
(From my AA friend. “I had no unrealistic expectations of my wife as I implemented new predictable reactions and responses as a sober healing partner. My sponsor told me to stay focused on what I knew only I could change and allow her complete freedom of how she’d receive those changes. I was ignored at first … and then my-thank-you’s reaped “you’re welcome” and my I-love-you’s reaped “I love you too”. It’s amazing how predictable sobriety changes EVERYTHING!”)
As my client and his wife said in a recent session: “This is the best thing that could have happened for us! We would’ve either ended up divorced or at least settling for a mediocre marriage. This is what we had always hoped for, but didn’t know how to find!”
I wish the same for you!
