“All of a sudden, goals and resolutions don’t seem nearly as important as insuring we keep our growth mindset moving forward. How do you suggest we make that a top priority … seems like a square peg in the round hole when it comes to traditional new year planning?”
That was from the husband of the couple I’ve been writing about, asking with curiosity.
“Well, before I respond to the question … I just want to assure you that those are the kinds of questions that only people with a growth mindset would ask,” I validated, affirming his transition from a fixed mindset to a growth mindset.
(From my friend in AA. “Justification of and explaining our misfortunes is classic addict behavior. Victimhood is every addict’s hoodie. Change begins when we begin to ask questions of ourselves and trust a power greater than our looping excuses as our answers. First things first…shut up and listen … then apply the new truth you’re discovering towards not knowing, just trusting.”)
January always whispers and lures us to something new, something better.
New promises to ourselves.
Which are often broken before January comes to a close!?
We set goals…
Choose our POWER WORD of the year…
Write proclamations and affirmations…
And/or at least vow to make our lives different with new resolutions.
There’s absolutely NOTHING wrong with any of that.
I do ALL of that too.
However, those things fall secondary to two practices:
· Taking time to reflect on and celebrate big wins, small wins, and progress for the past year. I do this in the form of a gratitude list. I begin my list in December and write 10 gratitudes daily. So that I enter the next year with 100 gratitude’s from the current year.
This sets our RAS (reticular activating system/our hard drive) in our brains to searching for big wins, small wins, and progress all year long.
And by the way…every time we identify one, we command our reward system to release some dopamine (that “feel good” hormone). The more we do it, the better we feel!
It’s a magnet for motivation and fulfillment. And it repels depression, anxiety, and the draw toward addictions.
· The second thing that I do is identifying what is necessary to keep my advancement toward an even greater growth mindset in motion.
Why is that so important? Because that’s the foundational rewiring that fuels my purpose, my impact, my influence, and therefore, my fulfillment.
NOTHING IS MORE IMPORTANT!
Lasting change isn’t about willpower … it’s about WIRING!
I’ve had 2 kinds of people come and go in my practice…
-Those who embrace the simplicity of the power of our brains to change us, by us simply telling our brain that we desire to change. Then JUST DO IT!
-And of course those who don’t. Those who don’t trust me or themselves with these simple acts of wisdom … and DON’T DO IT.
It’s that simple.
It’s that complex.
It’s now proven science.
Me/you/us are in control of our own rewiring. (If we choose to be …)
If your light switch is wired to set off an alarm…
No matter how many times you flip it…
How much enthusiasm you do it with…
How determined you are…
The alarm will continue to sound…
And the lights will never come on!
Let that sink in!
You may find yourself saying something like my client said, “I get that … but I don’t know anything about wiring …”
Here is what surrender looks and sounds like…
He said it with hope that I had the info and would share it … (not from a “poor me” standpoint!)
This is what surrender doesn’t look or sound like.
Poor me.
Or it doesn’t work for me.
(By the way … “poor me” is a fixed mindset, curiosity about learning is a growth mindset!)
We KNOW we can rewire due to neuroplasticity.
Our brains have the ability to be rewired through…
-Learning…
-Experience…
-Repetition…
-And intensity.
Every moment that we make an intentional and meaningful shift in our process … is one part of the rewiring process.
I shared with this delightful couple 3 specific ways to set your brain up for a growth mindset.
How to WIRE it for growth.
How to keep it working for you … all year long!
(And by the way, if you fail to WIRE it for growth … a fixed mindset will be happy to keep you adrift at sea … lost and without direction … and certainly without fulfillment!)
Adrift and lost at sea?
OR
Intentional, growth, rich relationships, fulfillment, and impact?
DUH?
Not a tough decision.
But there is a tough part …
DOING WHAT IT TAKES!
I’ll make it as clear and simple as possible!
But you can’t just read about it.
That creates nothing but more info in your brain.
We want to REWIRE your brain.
And that requires something new and different.
As we create our own faith we become the faith that changes us as we give ourselves to the believing it’s just that simple it’s that complex.
That’s how we ALL discover the power of surrender!
Let’s JUST DO this!
1. Let’s prime our brain for rewiring!
One of the easiest ways to do this is to adopt a new belief:
PROGRESS OVER PERFECTION!
(From my AA friend. “Because I gave myself to controlling what I can never control, unbeknownst to me, perfectionism became my constant companion, so nothing was quite good enough and I knew I couldn’t do enough to make it better. If that sounds crazy…it is! That’s what addicts medicate. And so, we ONLY speak of progress. Nothing more, nothing less.”)
Perfection paralyzes us … progress propels us.
I could see by the glance between my clients that one of them needed to hear this.
The guilty dog spoke first.
“I cannot tell you how many deadlines I’ve missed over perfectionism. How many deals I’ve missed due to perfectionism. How many times I ended up getting her no gift at all because I couldn’t find the perfect gift!” he confessed.
I suggested.
“Let’s prime your brain and get you un-paralyzed.”
I bet you can relate.
Here are the specific ways to prime your brain.
· Keep your stress hormones down … your brain cannot grow when it’s in “fear” mode … when stress hormones sound the alarm in the brain. How do you keep stress hormones down?
Avoid negativity, keep news media consumption to a minimum, and practice breathing exercises when you feel stressed. (Breathe in slowly through your nose to the count of 10, hold it to the count of 5, exhale through your lips slowly to the count of 15. Do that 3 times. Wait about 3 minutes and repeat. Another 3 minutes and repeat).
· Keep a gratitude journal daily. Reflect on your day and journal and/or bullet point big wins, small wins, progress. At least 10 daily. It sets your RAS (reticular activating system – your personal google search engine) to scanning all day long for the positive things. Elevating both your mood and your thinking.
· Identify 3 challenges daily. (Minor or major) Ask yourself this question for each of the challenges:
“What could I have done differently or better?” (Curiosity ONLY, no judgement).
Then “What will I do differently next time?”
For example, the husband named one of his challenges as:
“Getting home late for dinner and failing to let her know I was going to be late.”
I asked:
“What could you have done differently or better? CURIOSITY ONLY!”
He responded:
“Set an alarm if I’m working on a project because I know I get engrossed and have no sense of time.”
I asked:
“What will you do differently next time?”
He responded:
“Set the alarm, or better yet … not start on a project that late in the day.
Make getting home the priority.”
BINGO!
How do these things prime your brain? Several ways:
· Gratitude causes a release of dopamine, endorphins, serotonin, and sometimes oxytocin. Those “feel good” and create a sense of safety for our brains … priming it to receive new coding (or wiring).
· These things set our RAS (our personal search engine) for the ongoing scanning for good, calming, and safe things. And honoring progress!
· Looking at challenges from a perspective of learning causes our amygdala alarm to silence itself. Then looking at what could have been done better, and what to do differently in the future … causes our PFC to activate. (Prefrontal cortex – which I call the Pretty Fine Communicator).
Creative thinking in the PFC turns on the hippocampus and dopamine systems. Those 3 in concert set a beautiful stage for rewiring. Not only setting the stage but inviting it!
VOILA … your brain is primed.
Ready for rewiring!
Stop … change your attitude to this, “Ok, I’m going to start trying this and accepting that every ‘effort’ and ‘step of progress’ is a new pathway towards changing my brain. Trusting the process and progress will become every change I’ll need for an amazing year.”
2. Celebrate progress more than results.
The theme of a growth mindset is momentum.
Not results.
Not even success.
Remember?
Progress not perfection.
Interestingly enough … momentum naturally creates results and success. It also produces willpower and faith in that willpower.
Most people think you get momentum when you experience success.
But neuropsychological research indicates that momentum is born when we teach our brains to anticipate progress.
Dopamine, unless skewed up (no, I didn’t say screwed up, but it’s pretty close) by addiction, is meant to be released in small doses that are of huge benefit to us.
Take addiction out of the mix (and please do take it out of the mix … it is impossible to remain in a growth mindset when addiction is involved!) …and pure dopamine releases occur when we believe that the next step is possible … not when we cross the finish line!
Momentum doesn’t come from success; it comes from anticipated progress.
This means your brain is motivated by movement toward, not just when there’s a touchdown or a homerun.
However, social media, news media, and other media have spent 100s of millions of dollars on how to provide you with dopamine hits.
To keep you scrolling, clicking, and buying.
We can take over the reins of dopamine releases and use them for our benefit.
Instead of allowing control of our dopamine releases to be used for the benefit of social media, big business, and hyped up news to create impulse buying and reacting!
Research conducted by Schultz and Basu has shown that micro-targets are one of the keyways to train our dopamine system to work for us…
And those micro-target progress keeps us in momentum…
Which results in successes.
What does this mean in “real life” and on a day-to-day basis?
Set your days up with micro-targets.
Targets that keep you moving.
Then check them off!
Literally.
Here’s how it works:
· Weekly, choose 3 things that will “move the needle” forward on what’s important to you. Relationships. Projects. Influence and contribution. Whatever that is for you.
· Then daily, set up 3 to 4 micro-targets that will move the needle, even if only 2 millimeters (the size of the tip of the Crayola).
· At the end of the day, check off the 3 or 4 things, and reward yourself. (Didn’t get them all done? Move those undone to the next day and celebrate those checked off).
· Reward yourself for your progress. (A treat? Extra time to “veg out”? Get a pedicure?)
· Repeat!
Your brain will lock in on this: PERFECTION PARALYZES … PROGRESS PROPELS …
And that, my friend, is your golden ticket to a growth mindset.
From which all rich relationships…
Rich finances…
Rich life…
And fulfillment flow!
This kind of surrender will grow into the kind of attitude that takes charge when your internal negativities vie for control.
3. Reflect, process, and wire … all at the same time!
At least once weekly, take time to reflect.
Process your progress.
And then integrative (re-wire).
“Kinda like a personal state of the union?” the wife asked.
“Except it’s the state of the mindset?”
I nodded affirmatively as her husband commented:
“Now that’s good stuff!”
Now … by point #3, you might be saying these kinds of things to yourself:
“That’s a lot of work …”
Or “But what if it doesn’t work …”
Or “How am I supposed to remember all of this …”
First, let me invite you to say this out loud:
“Fixed mindset … GO! Leave me alone!”
Regardless of your worldview, I often tell my clients at moment like these: “The Bible says: ‘Resist the devil and he will flee’ … And a fixed mindset is one of the biggest devils we will face!”
So, RESIST that fixed mindset!
Now that we got those fixed mindset chattering out of the way … don’t worry about remembering all of this … I’ve got your back!
I have a worksheet that you can download with all of this put together for you! (You may download it by clicking here: Foundations Workbook)
We know from research that when we take time to reflect and process, it activates our DMN (default mode network).
That’s the part of our brains that takes in new info…
Gains insights…
Adopts new patterns, new habits.
Research by Yang & Singh at the University of Southern California found that insight depends on the “downtime” of processing … connecting our emotions, memory, and logic.
This research defies the idea that we should work longer and harder for success!
Success comes from a growth mindset … and that growth mindset depends on our pausing, reflecting, and integrating.
(From my AA friend. “Pause, pray, proceed. That’s one of the best truths to build a life on! We miss and sabotage so much because we react instead of considering what the moment truthfully needs. Pausing is a challenge that’s universal among the addictive. Pause is THE first step to growing our sobriety.”)
What does this personal state of the union or state of the growth mindset look like?
· In this weekly (or twice weekly state of the union meeting … identify at least ONE improvement that you made since your last state of the union update.
· Write it down and journal your thoughts about it.
· Name one pattern you recognized as “familiar, but not helpful to you, your relationships, your finances, your business, your life.”
· Write it down and journal where you think it came from, and how it is NOT helpful for you.
· Journal what you want to change about the pattern and why.
· Name one thing you will do daily to address the pattern.
· Write down at least 3 things you’re proud of yourself for, since your last state of the union update.
· Write a short note to yourself from someone you respect or admire (whether alive or not, whether you’ve ever met them or not). The note is to validate you, encourage you, and give you a “remember this” power statement.
The wife of the couple I was working with came with this as her state of the union (state of her mindset) update.
“I was much more patient with and showed more grace to Chaz (husband) this week. I was proud of myself for that, but more importantly, we had more close time together than in years.”
“I recognized my pattern around frustrations. I act it out instead of talking about it. I learned that from my mother. She would be critical and cranky all the time … instead of telling us what was going on or what she wanted. It makes me look like a grouchy woman, and that’s not who I want to be. And it is not helpful to our marriage.”
She paused before continuing.
“I want to engage the process you taught us about naming the situation, saying how I feel about it, and making a positive, specific, behavior-change request. I think it’ll help him understand me more and maybe get me what I want so that I’m not so frustrated.”
“I’m proud that I am making progress on my project at work and giving myself ‘down time.’ I’m proud that I’m showing more grace. And I’m proud that I’m willing to look at areas where I can do better.”
“My letter is from my Grammy:
I’m so proud of you for breaking some of the family patterns.
You inspire me to ‘get it right’ while I still have time here on earth.
And remember this … You can influence many women to do better
And not stay stuck in old family patterns that don’t work.
I love you.”
You can do all of this … and it will ensure that you enter the new year, each new month, each new week with a richer and more fulfilled life!
*****
A growth mindset isn’t a motivational, “rah rah” thing.
It’s a neuropsychological and neurobiological partnership between your body, mind, heart, and spirit.
The partnership thrives on progress.
But regresses to survival if the fixed mindset steps in.
Each year at this time … I do set goals.
I do select a new POWER WORD to be my guiding mantra.
I do write my new proclamation.
But first, I lay the foundation with solidifying and committing to my growth mindset.
Resolutions are fine.
But REWIRING is king.
And a growth mindset keeps the rewiring going (always updating our operating systems … our bodies, minds, hearts, and spirits).
For me personally, my growth mindset is about faith.
About believing what’s possible.
About knowing I am here on a mission, with a cause …
and that’s where my fulfillment comes from!
But it all starts with our attitude towards change.
We either say yes, within ourselves by surrendering our knowing.
Or we settle, creating yet one more layer of a fixed mindset, by a mere act of apathy.
“The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life.
Attitude, to me, is more important than facts.
It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think, say or do.
It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill.
It will make or break a company… a church… a home.
The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we embrace for that day.
We cannot change our past… we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way.
We cannot change the inevitable.
The only thing we can do is play the one string we have, and that is our attitude… I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it.
And so it is with you… we are in charge of our attitudes”!
Dr. Charles Swindoll