“I know you warned me about the letters from my wife and my son … and that I could read them … but that was not the purpose. That it was to reach others who weren’t ready to own that their resentments were holding their families prisoner,” my client almost whispered.
I nodded with empathy, knowing he had likely read them.
[From my friend in AA. “Recovery is only for the brave of heart. Why? Because it takes a form of honesty that discovers uncovers you, as you discover it. As you embrace rigorous honesty (which is a willingness to do whatever it takes) this motivation brings all that’s needed to change in you to you. If that sounds like a mystery, a miracle, a self-generated epiphany … it is!”]
He continued: “I read them … and it broke me. It really broke me,” he said with a quivering voice.
“I remember that I promised you that if I did read them that I would not get upset with them … or defend, deny, or justify,” he quickly assured me. Then he paused before he went on.
“And I didn’t. But I did reach out to my wife and my son separately and told them both that they were absolutely right, and that I was so sorry for how I had allowed my resentments to hurt them … and that it was time for me to lay them down,” he shared with tears escaping his eyes.
I nodded with great empathy as he choked out, “Thank you for all of this. I am ready.”
What a beautiful demonstration of the humility I wrote about last week:
“Humility is the key to unlock the doorway to the path of healing
(any and all) resentments. Humility is a touchy subject. Because many
see it as an admission of worthlessness. Or weakness.
When truly … it’s the path to truth … and that path
makes us FREE! It’s the courage to stand before God (or your higher power), as well as the people you love. And to tell the truth
in words from a place of strength and courage. With…
no excuses… no justification… no defensiveness:
‘What I’ve been carrying has hurt you.
And it’s time to lay it down’!”
I validated him for his strength and courage.
Resentment isn’t just an emotion —
it’s a physiological loop on autopilot.
Every time we rehearse an old offense,
our brain re‑activates the original stress response.
Releasing the same hormones…
The same neural circuitry…
The same tightness in our chest…
Along with the same protective story.
Research shows that even when we just think about an unfortunate life event … that event triggers the hypothalamic‑pituitary‑adrenal (HPA) axis, flooding the bloodstream with cortisol.
(Published in Nature Reviews Neuroscience)
These chronic activations rewire the brain’s default‑mode network (the part of our brain that creates stories).
These stories then push us into
rumination and self‑protection.
Get this! … When repeated over and over,
our brain begins to believe that
resentment = safety.
(Published in Nature Reviews Neuroscience, 2014.)
If our brains truly believe that resentment = protection, a team of wild horses couldn’t drag the resentment out of you.
But the same neuroplasticity that built resentment … can also demolish it.
(Pause…think of that! One simple desire,
followed by embracing determination to change
can override what we can’t do for ourselves.
Yet we can become that by the desire to do so.)
Each time we respond to a resentment — no matter how small the shift — the prefrontal cortex re‑engages with the limbic system and begins to “update the file.”
It’s the biological side of forgiveness.
We CAN create our own healing for our past.
Healing resentment means training your nervous system to understand that the past no longer equals danger.
This week I am sharing 3 ways
you can begin to heal resentment …
by retraining your brain.
I hope you’ll not “just read along” …
That will produce no healing or rewiring of your brain.
But DOING … CAN and WILL create new transformational brain rewiring!
1. Conduct a memory reconsolidation with vivid imagining.
One of the great truths of the 12 steps
is the focus on whether life is unmanageable.
You/me/we can’t bluff our way to wholeness.
Our life up till now, must be our mirror.
And we must look squarely at it
and see what we can’t manage
and be totally honest about what’s causing it.
Our memories are not etched in stone.
Each time we rehearse an unfortunate life experience,
we modify the story slightly …
in a way that makes sense to us.
(Let me add this … none of us can really make sense of trauma and/or unfortunate life events. However, there’s a part of us that “needs” for it to make sense. Which is why with every rehearsal of the event in our brains, we alter it slightly).
Neuroscientists call this the reconsolidation window.
The window is a short period of time
when emotional associations
can be altered if new safety signals are introduced.
The more clearly, we can imagine this, the more powerful the reconsolidation.
(Published in Nature Reviews Neuroscience)
In an ancient Roman poem (The Aeneid) written by Virgil, there was a vivid visual about moral corruption.
The graphic writing is about strapping a dead body onto a live person’s body … and the rotting flesh of the dead one, beginning a process of disintegrating the alive person’s body, until that person died.
This imaging can be used for healing resentment.
I will share how I walked my client through this exercise,
then give you the steps so that you
can do a similar process on your own.
I asked him if he could choose an incident with his ex-wife (with whom he was struggling with resentments).
He described a moment when he had hired a forensic accounting firm to audit his businesses’ books.
In summary, they were able to trace about half a million dollars
of transfers and withdrawals to his wife’s hidden accounts.
I asked him to draw something to represent that whole “dreadful, infuriating, humiliating” unfortunate life event. I told him it could be something specific or abstract.
He drew a huge dollar sign with a red “x” in the middle of it.
I invited him to close his eyes …
and to imagine that dollar sign made of black iron.
Six feet tall.
And then a 5-foot red “x” welded on to that.
I could see by the expression on his face
that it was burned in his mind.
Then I asked him to see that strapped onto his back. Where he could not see it, but he could feel the weight of the 500-pound anchor on his back.
I asked him to visualize carrying it around.
I asked how he could walk with it?
He described stumbling under its weight.
Then being too exhausted to carry on.
Then falling down.
I asked him how that related to his resentment?
Slowly, he began …
“I can’t see it, but everyone else can.
It weighs me down.
It wears me out.
I stumble through life.”
Quiet tears.
“I can’t keep going like this …”
I asked him if he would like to cut himself loose?
“YES!” he stated forcefully.
I asked him to imagine someone greater than himself
who’d be willing to cut the straps for him.
He thought a moment and said gently, “In AA, we call that a Higher Power. I call him God.”
I nodded.
“Would you like to ask God to cut the straps and set you free?” I asked.
In tears he said a prayer, “Please, God, cut me loose.”
I asked him what he could imagine.
He said he could not see what was happening because it was behind him. But he heard the straps snap.
And then the weight fell.
I asked how he felt.
“I feel like I can fly!”
It was a powerful emotional moment.
Then for the final step, I asked him
where or how that heavy iron dollar sign
and red “x” might be a blessing?
He thought a moment, then said, “Oh, I know. An anchor for a ship!”
I encouraged him to visualize the iron object being
loaded up and taken to the shipyard for a ship to use.
He visualized it being taken to the port at the mouth of the mighty Mississippi River where he grew up. There were always fishing vessels where his family would buy fresh fish. He could visualize their excitement about a unique anchor.
I asked him to say goodbye to the anchor
and wish it well to serve in a new capacity.
Now … YOU DO IT!
Here are the steps:
· Remember an unfortunate life event you rehearse as a resentment.
· Draw a visual for it.
· Imagine it as 6 ft tall and 500+ pounds piece of iron.
· Imagine it strapped to your back.
· Watch yourself walk with it.
· Describe how you see yourself walking.
· Answer this question: “How does this relate to the resentment I carry?” (Be candid and honest).
· If you’re ready, imagine someone/something greater than yourself wanting to help.
· Ask to be released.
· What do you see, hear, experience?
· How does it feel to have that weight off your back?
· Thank whoever set you free.
· Think of a higher purpose for what was on your back.
· Visualize it serving that purpose.
· Say goodbye to it and LEAVE IT THERE.
You don’t have to repeat this for every resentment you’ve ever had.
But you can do it as many times as you’d like.
At some point … all the resentments wash away.
Science calls it the globalization effect.
I call it grace.
Whatever you call it … it’s VERY freeing!
AND … maybe greater yet … it’s your path to peace and connection.
2. Using Behavioral Activation to train your brain that old triggers can be transformed.
Behavioral activation is basically a therapy that pairs old triggers with new rewards … to calm the “wired reaction” to anything that sparks a memory of an unfortunate life event.
(A pause. Do you believe this? Do you believe that we now KNOW what trauma does to our brains? Nothing will change until you trust a process that’s completely out of your comfort zone. You have nothing to lose except the change you need and long for.)
Many times, we try to avoid things … hoping it will keep the resentment buried.
Unfortunately, avoidance fuels resentment.
Each time you dodge a reminder of past pain,
you reinforce the brain’s prediction
that the danger still exists.
Behavioral activation (which research shows great results with lowering depression and PTSD) is a great way to begin healing resentments.
How?
By pairing approach behavior with our dopamine production.
Research shows the end result to be resolution of resentment and a deep inner calm. (Published in Cognitive Behavior Therapy and Clinical Psychology Review, 2016.)
I will again walk you through the exercise that I did with my client.
Then give you the steps so that you can DO it also!
I asked him to share a moment from the unfortunate life event with his son.
In summary, he shared that he had taken a prime piece
of the intellectual property from their company
and started a competitive company.
I asked him where he and his son were
when the blow up occurred after he had found out.
He shared it had happened outside of a place
where they’d shared many breakfasts through the years.
I asked him to close his eyes and imagine that we could drive over to the breakfast place.
I could see him tense up.
I saw his face reddening.
I asked what he was feeling.
He said, “Sick. Just sick!”
I waited and asked him if he could share more of what he felt.
He paused, sighed and then held his breath a moment.
Until all kinds of feelings began pouring out:
“Hurt, disappointed, betrayed … abandoned!”
I asked him if he could take all those feelings,
put them in a box for just a moment.
And put it in his trunk.
He nodded and I gave him a moment.
I then invited him to imagine we had gone inside together
and found his wife who had already gotten us a table.
He nodded with a slight smile.
Then I asked him to see the three of us there together,
and me asking him,
what was the best item on the menu.
Without a pause, he said: “Waffles and fried chicken!”
I said, “Then waffles and fried chicken it is!”
And then I asked, “What would your wife have?”
“Eggs sunny side up with a side of wheat toast.”
“And you?” I asked. He smiled a bit as he said:
“Waffles and fried chicken for sure!”
“What would your wife want to talk about?” I asked.
He smiled as he said, “Probably about how I’m doing in my healing process!”
I laughed.
“What do you think I’d say?”
He waited, then said,
“I hope you’d say I was doing okay.”
“What if I told her you were doing amazing,
and that you were able to leave a box full
of old feelings in the trunk?”
“She’d jump up and give you a hug!”
I did a breathing exercise to help him breathe it all in
and asked him to open his eyes.
Then I asked, “How long has it been since you’ve been to the breakfast place?” He responded: “A very long time!”
I invited him to repeat the exercise, only without me.
To remember that awful morning, put those feelings in a box.
And to take his wife there for breakfast.
And to have prepared a list of 10 things
he loved about her to read to her over breakfast.
(To not leave you hanging … he did that. And it was a wonderful experience. He decided to leave the box of feelings in the trunk until he traded in his car.)
She cried happy tears when he read her the list,
and it was transformational for both!
And yes … he had waffles and fried chicken.
After the report, I asked him if he was ready to take his older son to breakfast there.
He did, and healing has begun!
Here are the steps so that you can DO it!
· Remember one part of the story you rehearse from the unfortunate life event that’s become a resentment.
· Access the feelings that come up. Write them down and put them away somewhere (out of sight, out of mind temporarily).
· Imagine going back to the place, to the song, to something that reminds you of the unfortunate life event.
· But take someone great (in your imagination) with you. For you that might be a friend, a mentor, God.
· Imagine having a wonderful time with that great person. (While going to the place together, listening to the song together, etc.)
· Imagine sharing something with the person with you, that you’re grateful for … about them. Then imagine the warm feeling between you.
· Then repeat the exercise with someone in real life. Not imagined. But have something wonderful prepared to share with them.
· Enjoy the moment and the experience.
· Then decide what to do with the sheet of paper you wrote the feelings on. You may stomp it, burn it, rip it up … anything to keep them out of your brain and heart.
This exercise is about pairing exposure to the memory with new dopamine and oxytocin releases — biologically redefining it as safe.
It’s modern neuroscience echoing timeless courage.
In a way, it’s like walking through the shadow of death.
Neutralizing old toxins and choosing
to feel something that’s positive and productive.
(I know believing this is a stretch for some … and maybe you. Will you trust me? I live to serve and help people heal. I’ve seen these truths transform hundreds maybe thousands now … do these for you, and you alone, to benefit from … everything changes when everything changes.)
You can do this!
Now … JUST DO IT!
3. Let’s do a coregulation/corrective experience.
I absolutely LOVE it when science lines up
with beautiful spiritual principles.
This is a short exercise that’s so meaningful and healing
because it brings our heart, mind, and spirit together.
When we experience calm empathy in the presence of another human
we care about … our heart rhythms and vagal tone
literally synchronize with each other.
(Published in Polyvagal Theory, 2011 and Frontiers in Human Neuroscience, 2021.)
That shared moment rewires the body’s threat
and danger map faster than anything else.
I brought my client’s wife in for this exercise.
I will share their experience
and then give you the steps to DO it!
I asked the wife if she would be willing to be a loving and supportive presence for him while he worked through this process.
She was honored to do so.
I asked him to make eye contact with her and then share something about his resentment.
But to speak about it as a wound.
Not a reaction.
Not a “story.”
Just about the wound.
A paragraph or less.
Beginning with: “This wound has been …”
He took a deep breath in, exhaled slowly, then began.
“This wound from my ex-wife has been festering for years.
Telling me I was not enough.
Driving me to do more to prove myself.
And hurting and punishing you in the process.”
She took his hand.
And I asked them to take a…
Deep breath in together…
Hold it together…
Then exhale together.
I asked her to send her compassion
through her eyes
and hand without saying a word.
Then I asked him to say this out loud.
“I’ve been rehearsing this resentment for too long,
and I’m tired of it affecting
you, me, and our marriage.”
Once again, I had them breathe together.
Then I invited her to share her compassion with no words.
I asked him to raise his hands upward and say out loud.
“I let it go.”
There were tears on both sides.
Resulting in a hug that I didn’t direct.
This is a deep repair to the nervous system.
In just a few … moments.
Now it’s your turn to DO it.
Here are the steps:
· Choose a safe person — spouse, mentor, counselor, recovery sponsor.
· Ask them if they would be willing to do a healing exercise with you.
· Share this outline with them.
· The one offering support should be able to support and feel compassion throughout the process without speaking any words. (Nods, a smile, appropriate touch, etc.)
· The person with the resentment then speaks about it as a wound. Not a reaction. Not a “story.” Just about the wound. A paragraph or less. Beginning with: “This wound has been …”
· Take in a deep breath together to the count of 5, hold it together to the count of 10, exhale together to the count of 12.
· Take a silent moment for the one offering support to send care and support through eye contact and/or appropriate touch.
· Then the person with the resentment says this out loud: “I’ve been rehearsing this resentment for too long, and I’m tired of it affecting _____________________.”
· Repeat the breathing exercise together.
· The supporter sends care and support through eye contact and/or appropriate touch.
· The person with the resentment raises their hands upward and says out loud: “I let it go.”
· The support person shows support, care, and compassion again.
· End with the breathing exercise.
The goal isn’t like going to confession.
Because then you must pay your penance.
Or feel guilty.
It’s a nervous‑system repair through connection.
A truly miraculous moment of healing
beyond what we can do ourselves.
When safety meets story, the brain learns: connection is not only possible, but it’s healing.
Teach your brain what you want and not what you’re willing to settle for.
The work is simple the results are life changing.
HOWEVER … the ball’s in your court.
Now DO IT!
*****
Forgiveness is the most sophisticated form of training that we can do for our brain.
We don’t forgive because the other person/situation needs or deserves it. We forgive to set ourselves free.
Resentment once taught your body …
that guarding and protecting yourself …
was the secret to life.
Healing teaches us that grace is life.
You don’t erase the memory … even though you might like to.
But grace allows you to redeem the meaning.
To rewrite the story.
Not to a lie.
Many people mistake rewriting the story to …
“It never happened.”
NO!
It did happen.
But rewriting the story is redeeming the meaning.
“This happened, but it makes me a better person,
to let it go and to grow past it.
And to pay my healing forward
by helping others!”
That’s the hard science — and the sacred mystery — of release.
Of letting go!
Letting go opens the door to greater things in life.
And to calling forth the greatness that’s within you (that was buried beneath resentment).
“Forgive us our trespasses,
as we forgive those, who
trespass against us.”
Jesus