“I don’t think I even know what love is! That’s my conclusion after watching the video you asked my wife and I to watch …” my client said with a mixture of shame and confusion.
I had to laugh, as I thought of how many songs too
have been filled with the same question …
“I wanna know what love is …” Foreigner
“What is love …” Haddaway
“Is this love …” Bob Marley
“I think I’m in love with you …” Chris Stapleton
Every generation asks the same question
as if no one has ever asked it before:
What is love?
It’s the question woven through…
every song,
every poem,
every dance…
between hope and heartbreak.
We let the word roll off our tongues so easily —
I love this movie,
I love that meal,
I love you —
but I wonder how many of us truly
take the time to ponder its true meaning.
Love, as Scripture describes it, is a powerful force
that threads heaven and earth.
In the Bible, Paul paints a beautiful portrait about love.
He describes it this way:
· Love never gives up.
· Love cares more for others than for self.
· Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.
· Love builds up.
· Love doesn’t strut.
· Doesn’t have a swelled head.
· Doesn’t force itself on others.
· Isn’t always “me first.”
· Doesn’t fly off the handle.
· Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others.
· Doesn’t revel when others grovel.
· Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth.
· Puts up with anything.
· Trusts God always.
· Always looks for the best.
· Never looks back.
· But keeps going to the end.
Powerful, right?
It’s like a manifesto for human thriving and flourishing.
Recent research in neuroscience and psychology affirms what Paul wrote.
They’ve found that love shapes the brain,
mends the body and rebuilds our capacity for hope.
However, no one has ever said that love is easy.
The research further reveals that…
trauma,
fear,
shame,
disappointment,
unfortunate life events,
and unfortunately, life itself …
effects, distorts, and twists love into danger, hesitation, protection.
Many of us want to love and be loved.
But internally, we carry invisible barriers
that keep us cautious, distant, disconnected,
and/or self‑protective.
My client interrupted with: “Distant and disconnected.
My wife says that about me often.
Can I change that?”
“In a heartbeat!” I affirmed.
I’m beginning this series, because I’ve never helped anyone heal from their trauma that did not also need a reset, rewiring in the arena of love and connection!
To begin the healing, reviewing, and rewiring love
and connection with my client, I shared 3 things.
I’m writing to you about them:
· What happens in your brain and body when love is experienced.
· How trauma interferes with our ability to love and connect,
· And why repairing that requires work … but is SO worth it!
1. What happens in the brain and body when we experience love.
Love isn’t just a feeling; it’s an event
that’s both biological and spiritual.
When we experience love and connection,
it has an immediate chemical effect in our brains.
Science reveals that love:
· Lights up the exact neural reward pathways in our brains that light up when we feel safe, accepted, or deeply understood.
· Causes our hypothalamus to release a neurohormone called oxytocin. It’s known as the “bonding hormone,” which builds trust and connection.
· Calms our limbic system … especially our amygdala (that sounds our blaring alarms), our emotional alarm center … better than valium or Xanax.
· Normalizes and steadies our heart rate.
· Decreases our stress hormone levels (particularly our cortisol).
· Regulates our blood pressure.
Perhaps most importantly, love transitions
our body from survival mode to growth mode.
The Apostle Paul must have been the first neuroscientist when he said, “Love builds up.”
Because that’s exactly what neuroscience
is telling us about the experience of love.
Additional research shows that people in stable,
loving relationships:
· Recover faster from illness
· Live longer
· Have less chronic inflammation.
Love literally makes our bodies more resilient.
That all sounds great, right?
Well … this may be the best part:
THE SAME APPLIES WHETHER YOU’RE
GIVING OR RECEIVING LOVE!
When we share love or connection,
when we speak gently,
when we forgive …
all those great benefits …
come back to us.
The neurochemical changes happening
in the person receiving them, happen to US as well!
Any time we choose to…
show love,
to speak gently,
to forgive…
the same neurochemical changes occur in us.
The beauty in that?
Receiving those benefits when we share love
reinforces the capacity to do it again.
And again.
Faith and science agree …
isolation erodes us,
connection restores us.
It’s almost as if our Creator built a powerful feedback loop into the human design:
When we give love,
we become healthier;
when we receive love,
we become whole.
(Which is why I speak to couples about becoming “healing partners.”)
My client asked a “dangerous question” (because it’s a topic, I’m very passionate about): “What’s a healing partner?”
I gave him the definition:
“Two people who are fully committed to their relationship, their own personal growth & development, and the personal growth & development of their partner. They come alongside one another with a stance of zero negativity, full accountability … committed to noting the impact of their words, behavior, and decisions on the other person, and on the relationship. They’re present with one another and carefully and intentionally invest in the relationship daily.”
“Oh … well, I’m not one of those,” he lamented.
I asked pointedly, “Are you willing to become one?”
He nodded affirmatively.
I commented: “That’s all I need to rewire your ability to love and connect!”
I want to help you wire or rewire
for this powerful kind of love too!
(And receive all the benefits!)
2: How Trauma Interferes with Our Ability to Love and Connect
You might be thinking …
“If love heals, why do so many of us
struggle to feel safe in loving … and connecting?”
The answer is both simple and complex at the same time:
Unfortunately, life events and trauma
rewire the same neuro-systems love depends on.
When you’ve been …
betrayed,
hurt,
abused,
abandoned,
or violated in any way …
your nervous system learns that: CLOSENESS = DANGER!
The next time someone reaches out, your body remembers.
And reminds you by sounding the alarm from your amygdala …
“THIS IS NOT SAFE! BRACE FOR IMPACT!”
Unfortunate life events and trauma aren’t just the things that occurred … it’s the alarm that keeps sounding at deafening volumes in your head and body. Even after the danger has passed.
(Sometimes decades in the past … yet the alarm still sounds!)
The brain regions meant to detect threat
are set on an autoloop of hypervigilance.
Your heart races.
Your breathing becomes shallow and accelerated.
Every muscle in your being tightens.
A dump truck load of acid drops into your tummy.
Your mind begins to spin.
Your body asks …
“Can I trust this situation or this person?
Is it safe?”
That’s why people with unhealed wounds often appear …
distant,
detached,
void of trust …
even though they long for connection.
Their systems are now wired to do
what it believes will keep you safe.
(From my AA friend. “Rarely if ever do I meet another addict/alcoholic with a whole and healthy sense of intimacy. If resentment keeps you drinking/using, a longing for healthy acceptance and expression of intimacy was the reason we chased that first flash of euphoria that made us feel safe giving and receiving love. That flash of euphoria is what creates an addict / an alcoholic. They substitute a false sense of intimacy never realizing what real intimacy is …”)
“That’s exactly how I feel when my wife gets close. And it’s so ridiculous. She’s half my size. Not a mean cell in her body. Yet I feel this need to pull away. It’s so crazy …” my client commented.
I asked him to consider what it was like for her.
“She approaches you with a gentle smile,
or reaches for you or comes close for a hug.
And you pull away …”
I could see the shame wash across his countenance as he considered what I shared.
I told him that there was a country song
about someone experiencing
what she experienced when that happens to her,
and the lyrics are poignant and so true:
“You push my love away like it’s some kind of loaded gun.”
(Lyrics by Taylor Swift, recorded by Little Big Town)
“Is it too late to turn this around?” he asked.
I smiled and assured him, “It’s never too late.
You’re truly a blessed man that after all that’s happened,
she’s still here … giving your chance after chance.
Giving grace in hopes …
you’d do the work that we’ll do together!”
He nodded.
He, like you, did not mean to push her love away.
He had no intention of leaving her
to fall asleep lonely every night.
Yet the traumatic interactions in his early childhood
with both his mom and his dad, then with his ex-wife …
left him “afraid” of love and closeness.
Isn’t it interesting that Paul’s writings about love …
being patient,
kind,
not easily triggered to anger …
sounds remarkably like what trauma healing is all about.
We (as coaches, counselors, mentors)
must have the patience to wait
for a client’s nervous system to relax.
Spouses must wait for their
partner’s nervous system to relax.
We must practice the kind of kindness that refuses to shame someone for their “danger” responses.
We must all adopt the humility that
owns our own triggers
instead of weaponizing them.
When trauma meets love,
there’s friction … prior to healing.
When a partner invites love,
the unresolved trauma in the other expects pain.
As healing begins … the miracle appears.
Calm, consistent love can gradually retrain
the partner’s nervous system to feel safe again.
It can re-connect neurons that were burnt out by fear.
[While Dr. Andrew Huberman often highlights that much of our cognitive function is driven by unconscious processes—specifically through the nervous system, prior sensory experiences, and autonomic bodily, emotional, and behavioral, functions … he frequently cites research indicating that approximately 95% of our thoughts, decisions, and behaviors are driven by the subconscious mind.)]
“Hard to believe that things that happened decades ago
are controlling my marriage and my life.
Still wreaking havoc when I thought
I left all that behind!” my client mused pause then asked innocently:
“Can I get there?”
I nodded, as I added …
“Yes, but it requires work.
I know the path …
but are you willing to put in the work?”
I noted what almost looked like terror in his eyes … so I added:
“Many people make the work so much bigger than
it actually is –
in order to excuse themselves from doing it.
They envision having to move a mountain with a spoon!”
He nodded, guardedly as I continued.
“Think of it like this … it may look like a mountain.
But thankfully, I specialize in moving mountains …
And in several sessions with dedicated work on your part …
that mountain WILL be MOVED!”
He sighed with relief:
“Just imagine her on the other side of that mountain,
and turn up Marvin Gaye singing:
‘Ain’t No Mountain High Enough’ …”
Back to point #1:
Love is an emotion
Love is a feeling
But it’s so much more than that!
It’s the path of healing!
The place where … divine meets human!
3. Why does love require work …
and is it worth fighting for?
“I felt love when I met her.
I think I showed it pretty well.
So why am I having to do this work to get it back?” my client asked.
“Well, ‘falling in love’ is easy.
That’s effortless.
There’s a chemical rush in our bodies,
and everything feels easy.”
I always tell my couples 2 things about that:
· When all those “love hormones” are flowing it’s easy. Until those calm down.
· And they usually calm down because we stopped doing the things that we did when they flowed easily.
Sustaining love requires nurturing.
It must be intentional.
If you planted a garden and left it untended …
For weeds to take over.
For the sun to dry it up.
For bugs to eat it alive.
You wouldn’t be surprised if it wilted or died.
Love requires emotional gardening:
weeding out pride,
watering it with trust,
pruning away selfishness.
We’re conditioned by movies and social media
to believe love should feel easy.
However, the truth is that real love
is not the absence of struggle —
it’s the willingness to struggle together.
And the beauty of that is …
that struggling together …
on the same team …
provides deep intimacy and connection …
That’s like the super glue to your relationship.
I believe love can be rekindled if
both partners bring 3 elements to the table:
· Humility (abandoning the need to be right, denying, or justifying)
· Courage (to take time to hear, see and believe how you affect your partner)
· Determination to grow (you grow better so you have more to contribute to the relationship)
And a little help from above is welcomed!
This is where the sacred meets science.
· Neuroplasticity — our ability to easily change our brains — means we really can create new patterns of connection.
· Spiritual renewal means we can transform old habits of self‑protection into patterns of openness.
· Forgiveness resets neuro pathways the same way compassion restores peace.
Perhaps that’s why Paul calls love an “enduring” force.
Love doesn’t survive seasons from a place of passivity;
it builds muscles in the seasons.
You don’t expect to go to the gym
and lounge on the equipment
watching sports or playing on your phone …
and expecting to see muscle growth.
NO WAY!
You must “work” the muscle.
And continue even when it burns,
even when it hurts.
But enduring those reps builds beautiful muscle mass.
Endurance is strength with direction,
patience with purpose.
Isn’t love worth that?
When we fight for love through …
honesty,
therapy,
prayer,
accountability,
compassion — it rewrites the story trauma tried to tell us.
And allows us to see love as safe.
Instead of a loaded gun!
Love whispers:
“You are safe now.
You are chosen.
You are more than what happened to you.”
*****
Let’s trace this back to Paul’s final line:
“Now abide …
faith,
hope,
and love —
but the greatest of these is love.”
Have you ever wondered why he said
the greatest of all those great things is love?
I think it’s because love links heaven’s design
with our human experience.
Faith looks upward, hope looks forward,
but love looks and moves onward.
Love is faith acted out and hope embodied.
So, here’s the call to action for giving love:
· Be patient even when the wait feels long.
· Be kind even when bitterness feels justified.
· Rejoice with truth even when believing lies would be easier.
· Believe, hope, and endure — not because the other person is perfect, but because love is sacred work.
Science tells us that love heals the brain.
Scripture says it never fails.
Know this …
You/me/we are created
for love and connection.
So, let’s do the healing so we can do just that! —
with God and with each other.
Love is not blind optimism.
It sees clearly but still believes restoration is possible.
It doesn’t deny the wound.
It refuses to let our wounds
write our final chapter.
The day often fails
To bring sunshine
It may fail to bring
Hope to your dreams
But there’s one thing
That fails not
To bring happiness
When you’re loved
You’re the only one
In the world …
So it seems!