“I’ve been reading your blog for years! I guess I’m one of those who read to get more informed … but didn’t DO (what you wrote about) to get myself out of this cycle,” my client wrote.
“I don’t know what took me so long, but I’m ready to give my healing away … to share it … if that’s what it takes to get out of this endless cycle of one bad relationship after the other.”
My heart broke for her and rejoiced with and for her at the same time.
(Truly one of the hardest things to do, if not the hardest, is to pause our life, look into ourselves, and see what’s missing without giving up on what we know we MUST do.)
I know exactly what that’s like.
Because I repeated the same dysfunctional patterns, dancing to the tune of my toxic thoughts and beliefs … making a mess of my life. For way too many years.
Until I began studying with masters
and putting together the healing programs
that I now train coaches,
therapists,
clergy,
doctors,
nurses,
teachers,
moms/dads,
and those desiring to help others to use masterfully.
To lead others to healing.
Have you ever felt like you’ve done so much healing…
and yet something still feels… unfinished?
You’ve done the therapy.
Read the books.
Attended the workshops.
You’ve made real progress.
And then… something else pops up.
(Like some whack-a-mole game … with one trigger after another.)
Another trigger.
Another layer.
Another thing to “work on.”
So, you go back in for more …
therapy,
counseling,
or coaching.
More healing.
More processing.
More effort.
And without realizing it … you’ve entered what I call the endless healing loop.
Now hear me clearly—
you’re not doing anything wrong.
In fact, you’re doing exactly what most people are taught to do. Even by well-meaning coaches and therapists.
BUT what if the issue isn’t your effort? … Instead, it’s that you were never shown the final step?
(From my friend in recovery in AA: “There can never be recovery to saneness without connecting with another addict and giving yourself away to their sobriety success. Isolation was the very door and path that kept healing at a distance with alcohol as the substitute.”)
1. The 6 Essential Steps of Trauma Healing
Let me start with this … let’s honor the work you’ve already done.
Because healing does require intentional steps.
And most people are somewhere within these 6:
1. Debrief
You begin to process what happened.
You give voice to your pain.
You finally embrace (and stop minimizing) what happened to you.
2. Rescue
You surrender to honoring yourself with compassion.
To stop abandoning yourself emotionally.
To rescue what trauma stole from you.
3. Reprogram Toxic Thoughts and Beliefs
You identify the lies trauma taught you … things like:
“I’m not enough.”
“I’m not safe.”
“It was my fault.”
And you begin replacing them with truth.
Not by thinking about them,
but through deep scrambling
and installation processes.
4. Reset Your Emotional Home
Your nervous system starts to stabilize.
You’re no longer living in constant fight, flight, or freeze.
Yet the emotional home set in you through trauma is still your default.
We design and install and new emotional home that supports you and moves you forward in peace.
5. Break Cycles and Patterns
You recognize and own the patterns that helped you survive.
You acknowledge they are no longer working for you.
You interrupt those patterns.
Then create and install productive ones that move you forward powerfully.
6. Rewrite the Story
You no longer see yourself as a victim of your past…
but as someone who moved through it.
Without minimization or denial.
There’s meaning now.
You find purpose in your pain.
And this is where most people stop.
Not because you’ve failed…
but because you’ve never been shown what comes next.
So, they circle back. One more loop.
One more trip around the same mountain
And the looping continues. Endlessly.
Unless we stop it.
Let’s do that!
2. The Step No One Talks About (That Changes Everything)
There’s actually a 7th step.
And it’s the one that breaks you out of that endless loop.
What is it?
Giving your healing away.
Yes… really.
Sharing what you’ve learned.
Supporting someone who is where you once were.
Becoming a safe place for someone else.
Because something powerful happens when healing moves through you instead of just to you.
It multiplies.
Not metaphorically.
But Biologically.
Neurologically.
Emotionally.
Healing was never meant to be stored.
It was meant to flow.
When you begin to give back—
whether through a …
conversation,
mentorship,
leadership,
or even stepping into a deeper calling …
You activate something that internal work alone can’t fully access.
You move from:
“What’s still wrong with me?”
to
“Who can I impact because of what I’ve overcome?”
And that shift…
is where fulfillment begins.
This is why some people, after years of healing, suddenly experience accelerated transformation when they begin helping others.
(From my AA friend. “Bill Wilson (Founder of AA) understood something modern neuroscience now confirms. When you explain or guide someone else, your brain deepens its own learning. So, when a recovering alcoholic shares their story, guides a newcomer, or offers support – They’re actually retraining their own mind, their own identity!”)
It’s not coincidence.
It’s by divine design.
Something I call grace.
(And it’s exactly why I train and certify people to step into trauma-informed coaching—because this step doesn’t just change you…it allows you to change others in a way that keeps your own healing in motion. Except this motion creates exponential healing.)
3. The Research Behind Giving It Away
This isn’t just a nice idea.
It’s backed by science.
Studies in neuroscience show that acts of giving and contribution, activate the brain’s mesolimbic reward system (the same system) associated with pleasure, motivation, and reinforcement.
And heaven knows that trauma obliterates pleasure, denies us of motivation, and provides no reinforcement (other than negative things).
When this system is activated, your brain releases:
· Dopamine (which creates motivation and pleasure)
· Oxytocin (which creates deep connection and trust)
· Endorphins (which create a sense of deep well-being and relief)
·
In other words?
Giving doesn’t deplete you.
-It regulates you.
-It rewards you.
-It restores life in you.
Research from institutions like the Cleveland Clinic and University of Zurich has shown that individuals who support others after their own healing experience:
· Lower rates of relapse into depression and anxiety
· Gain greater emotional stability
· Increase satisfaction in all areas of their lives
And psychology research from the University of Pennsylvania consistently identifies contribution as one of the strongest predictors of long-term fulfillment.
Why does that happen?
Because helping others interrupts the inward spiral that trauma leaves in us
and creates alignment of our hearts and our brains.
Then what?
Your nervous system stabilizes.
Your identity strengthens.
Your healing becomes real in a whole new way.
*****
So here are the challenging questions I have for you:
What if you’re not stuck…
because you need more healing?
What if you’re stuck…
because you’re ready for the next step?
Maybe not healed, but definitely ready enough to let what you do have
flow outward.
Here’s your challenge this week:
· Identify one way to give your healing away
· One conversation
· One moment of support
· One intentional act of showing up differently
And watch what happens inside of you.
Because the moment healing starts to flow through you…
you don’t just continue healing.
You begin to multiply it.
Exponentially.
And if something in you is already saying…
“I think I’m meant to do this on a more significant level…”
You might be closer than you think.
There is a way to turn your healing into a path that creates real impact—
and I’d be honored to show you what that could look like.
The world doesn’t need people who are completely healed.
It needs people who are willing to let their healing move. And flow.
And when it does…
everything changes.
The first time I dared to give away my healing was in a training in Wickenburg, Arizona.
The sun was setting, and our workshop was still going.
Going nowhere.
Because the person leading the healing work was not making any progress with the client.
The director of the program asked if anyone would be willing to step in.
I knew I had to.
Nothing in me felt ready.
Nothing in me felt healed enough.
But I stepped in.
Grace took over, and the young woman I led through a process was transformed.
I went out and sat in a swing in a park. I began swinging (my favorite activity as a little girl). I watched while the sun painted the skies in deep purples, bright oranges.
Something happened in me in that swing as tears flowed down my face.
I became the person I am today.
Not perfect.
Not perfectly healed.
Just willing and filled with
compassion,
grace, and
deep understanding to train people like you to help others heal.
When you help someone else, your attention shifts outward.
You gain perspective.
You feel useful.
Instead of trapped in a looping desperation, wondering if anything really works.
(From my AA recovery friend. “The last words we all say together out loud before we leave our meeting is, “It works … if you work it” and that always means…you can’t get what you don’t give.”)
I invite you to give away just a bit of your healing this week.
Watch grace flow!
