“I guess I wasn’t stuck in the healing loop … I had been in some kind of loop, but I’d never even heard any of these steps or done any of the healing you laid out in that workshop!”
After last week’s blog, I received a lot of messages similar to …that one.
One person wrote … “I guess I was stuck in Step ZERO … because I hadn’t done any of the kind of healing you spoke about.”
I received questions like…
– “Wait… there are actual steps to healing?”
– “I’ve been in therapy for years and no one has ever explained it like this.”
– “Have I been missing something?”
And honestly…
I was surprised.
Not because people were asking.
But, because so many had been doing trauma healing work for years
without ever being walked through a clear, structured process.
(Not many, if any therapists or coaches, use the methods
and/or take the time to do the work, of helping the broken
move on from the hell they are living in … to healing.
This … is what I’ve dedicated my entire adult life to.)
People have been talking about what happened.
Processing some emotions.
Trying to “feel better.”
But no one showed them how healing actually works.
So, this week I want to slow it down and walk you through it.
There are 6 essential steps in trauma healing.
I’ll cover the first 3 this week … and the next 3 in next week’s blog.
By the way, if you’re someone who feels called to help others—
to step into coaching, mentoring, or deeper transformational work—
these aren’t just steps for your own healing…
They’re the exact areas you will need to guide others through.
This is EXACTLY what I teach in my Coach Training Certification program.
There are 6 steps in trauma healing.
(And a 7th that exits you from healing, to sharing your healing, moving your life forward in a powerful way that leads to great fulfillment).
- Debrief
- Rescue
- Reprogram Toxic Thoughts and Beliefs
- Reset Your Emotional Home
- Break Cycles and Patterns
- Rewrite the Story
They aren’t necessarily done in the order.
Step 1 and step 6 normally remain in their order,
but those in the middle may occur in mixed order.
- Debrief: Telling the Whole Story
This is where healing begins.
And it’s also where many people … never fully go.
What happened to you and in you established your thinking.
Your story is what and how … you think about you … and it matters.
Most people either:
- Don’t talk about their trauma at all
- Or reference it vaguely as
“something that happened”
But trauma doesn’t heal in fragments.
It heals when it’s brought into the light with full awareness.
Debriefing means telling the story, your story.
Not just the facts…
but the experience.
What you felt.
What you needed.
What you made it mean about you.
Why does this matter so much?
Because trauma that remains unspoken
doesn’t disappear … it stays hard wired.
It gets stored.
Deep within.
Cellularly.
Research in neuroscience shows that unprocessed traumatic experiences are often held in the brain’s emotional centers (like the amygdala), rather than being integrated into the logical/narrative parts of the brain.
That’s why (especially when triggered) it still feels present … even years later.
Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, author of The Body Keeps the Score, explains that trauma is not just remembered … it’s relived when it hasn’t been fully processed.
Debriefing helps move the experience from:
- chaotic, emotional memory
into
- organized, narrative memory
When this occurs…
You stop reliving it
and start understanding it.
And that shift alone begins to loosen trauma’s grip.
When training coaches, I spend a lot of time here. Because it’s critical that we are very present, validating them as they share their story.
No reactions.
No interruptions.
No comforting.
You may be shocked about “no comforting …”
Most of the time when counselors, coaches, therapists, clergy offer comfort early … it’s an effort for them to comfort themselves.
It’s hard to watch people who are in pain, sometimes it looks like agony. Yet it’s necessary for them to share their truth in a safe place.
Comfort offered too early in the debrief shuts the client down.
Comforting in the wrap up is crucial, but not too early.
(From my AA friend. “Accountability is a big deal. That’s why an addict’s continual using must have consequences that mean something to them. Things like not being invited to family gatherings, or not being included when planning events, anything that lets them know if they keep using, they’re a non-participant. The ONLY way to shake the addict out of their sick-seeking comfort pursuit of the next bottle or pill? Stop your enabling and make their pursuit (the addiction) … have real consequences!”)
- Rescue: Reclaiming What Was Taken from Us in Trauma
(Visualizing the plays, the performances, the moves without physically doing them, are the ‘walk-through’ techniques used by the greatest athletes and entertainers in the world.)
Rescue / reclaiming … this is the step most people have never been guided through.
And it changes everything.
Rescue is where you intentionally go back—
using vivid, guided imagining …
To reclaim what trauma stole from you.
Because trauma always takes something.
Usually things like:
- Your sense of safety
- Your voice
- Your confidence
- Your worth
- Your ability to trust
- Your sense of control
And if those things are never restored…
you can’t “understand” your trauma
and will remain stuck … or feeling stuck.
For years.
Here’s what’s powerful:
Your brain does not fully distinguish between a vividly imagined experience and a real one.
When done correctly, this kind of guided imagery activates many of the same neural pathways as actual lived experiences.
That means when you go back—
and see yourself differently
respond differently
receive what you needed but didn’t get …
Your brain begins to believe:
“This has been resolved.”
Research in memory reconsolidation shows that when emotional memories are reactivated and paired with new, corrective experiences, the brain can literally update the original memory.
Not erase it…
but ‘turn down’ its emotional charge
in a significant way.
This is how people stop feeling like the same wounded version of themselves …
Even when they think about or remember what happened.
It’s as though your brain has created a new off-ramp when past trauma vies to control your reactions.
In this exercise, they don’t just talk about it.
They rescue themselves from it.
Coaches in training are mesmerized by the power of this process.
They often comment how amazing I am when I demonstrate it.
I assure them that they’ll be well equipped to do the exercise. But when they do, (like me) they’ll realize it’s not them that’s amazing … it’s grace.
Amazing grace.
- Reprogramming Toxic Thoughts and Beliefs
Traumatic moments caused electrical surges in our brain. And the neuro pathways meant to pursue the wonder of life, were instantly turned into distorted impressions of how we see ourselves.
Trauma doesn’t just hurt us.
It brands us.
Yes, just like cattle are branded.
Quietly.
Powerfully.
Without us realizing it.
It installs beliefs like:
- “I’m not safe”
- “I’m not enough”
- “I don’t matter”
- “I have to earn love”
- “This is my fault”
And those beliefs don’t just sit in the background.
They become your operating system.
Think about that.
It’s just like your operating system on your Mac or your PC
that runs quietly in the background controlling things.
This branding shapes
- Your thoughts
- Your emotional reactions
- Your decisions
- Your relationships
- Everything
So, you can be doing all the “right things” …
and still feel like life isn’t working.
Because you’re running on code
you didn’t consciously choose.
Cognitive neuroscience and trauma research consistently show that early and impactful experiences shape neural pathways that influence perception and behavior long-term.
Meaning … not just in the moment.
For the REST OF YOUR LIFE unless you re-examine it!
In other words …
Your brain isn’t broken.
It’s patterned.
And unless those patterns are intentionally
edited,
deleted,
updated,
they’ll continue to produce the same outcomes.
No matter how much you “talk about” the past.
Reprogramming means:
- Identifying the belief
- Challenging its validity
- Scrambling it
- Replacing it with truth
- Transforming it with a powerful installation
This is where real transformation begins.
Because when your beliefs change…
everything downstream begins to change with it.
This is the “funnest” part of the program when I’m training and certifying coaches.
There’s so much laughter, followed by many tears … as old branding is stomped out “literally” and new branding is installed in the soul!
*****
Healing requires more than talking!
If you’ve been stuck in your healing…
I want you to hear this clearly:
You deserve to be healed.
But healing doesn’t come from simply
talking about what happened.
It comes from structured work.
Intentional steps.
Healing exercises.
Exercises that actually shift what’s happening in your mind and body.
That’s what most people have been missing.
Not effort.
Not desire.
Just … a clear path.
Next week, I’ll walk you through the final 3 steps—
where healing becomes stability, consistency, and identity.
And for those of you who feel something stirring…
a desire to not only heal, but to help others do the same…
These steps aren’t just personal.
They’re foundational.
Because real transformation …
the kind that changes lives …
isn’t accidental.
It’s guided.
And when you know the path…
you don’t just walk it.
You can lead others through it too.
And there’s nothing in this world more fulfilling than that!
“Be careful how you think, for your life is shaped by your thoughts”.
King Solomon