“I’m tired of settling. A house in a neighborhood I don’t really love. A job that bores me. A marriage that’s good. We go to church. We taxi our kids to their sports. Nothing bad in my life … but nothing great.
A pause.
“Is that just selfish? Do you need to tell me to get over myself?”
I could see his disappointment about how this life was turning out.
But it was what his wife said that really got my attention.
“Neither of us likes the neighborhood. We don’t really, even want our kids outside playing. My job brings in a lot of money, but it just doesn’t seem to have any point or meaning. We never fight, but we aren’t together enough to fight.”
Another pause.
“This just isn’t my idea of the American dream!
Am I just not grateful enough? Are we missing something?”
(From my friend in AA. We have a saying in the program “We’re all learning to live life on life’s terms”. That’s why it’s important and ok to pause and take inventory of where we are and what life maybe saying. I call it God, but whatever it is to you or me…you/me/we matter to something far greater than ourselves – that’s wants us free.”)
It might be tempting for some to tell them:
“Be grateful for what you have.”
“Lots of people would love to have your life.”
“Maybe you’re expecting too much.”
Would I say that?
NEVER!
Because desiring more does not necessarily mean we are selfish or ungrateful.
I didn’t hear selfishness in either of them.
What I DID hear was a longing and yearning for MORE. And many of us have that. I certainly have.
I remember when I was fresh out of graduate school and finally had enough clients to quit my waitressing job. I thought life would become WONDERFUL at that point.
I’d worked so hard to get there. I was doing what I had trained to do. I should have been thrilled.
And I was grateful.
But at the same time, I found myself aching deep inside. I wanted to have a greater impact.
I KNEW I was called to help people heal and live fulfilling lives—even after trauma, divorce, church hurt, betrayal, and financial devastation.
I tried to stuff that longing and simply be more grateful. But the more I stuffed it, the harder my heart seemed to beat for the people who needed help.
Eventually, that longing for MORE led me to establish inpatient and outpatient treatment centers. Some of the greatest days of my life occurred during those years.
Until …
The next longing for MORE came.
For years, the challenge for me was that I had no one to assure me that wanting more did not mean I wasn’t grateful enough.
It didn’t mean I was a work addict.
It didn’t mean I was selfish.
It didn’t mean I could never be satisfied.
Or any of the other things I heard along the way, that made me want to stuff that longing even deeper.
Eventually, I realized something: There was no sin in my longing for more.
Even more important, I began to understand that the longing itself could be an inner calling toward greater purpose, cause, and mission.
After years of fighting it, I now welcome it. And I’d like to help you welcome yours, too.
I was delighted that this couple found their way to me because I knew what I’d heard in both, was a deeper meaning fighting its way to the surface in their life.
Even though it was doing battle with what they believed was good Christian teaching: “Just be more grateful.”
Or good psychology: “Learn to be content with a simple life.”
So, I asked them: “Would it be fair if I assumed that what’s going on in both of you is a longing for MORE?”
I watched a light come on in both of their eyes.
It was as if I’d cut the chains binding them to a dark dungeon and opened the windows to the light of the sun for the first time in ages.
“Is there more?” she asked with such pleading that it was heartbreaking.
I smiled, leaned toward her and said: “Of course there’s more!”
Her husband interrupted immediately. “How do we get there?”
Interesting question.
Because without knowing it, he’d just validated a journey I’m on myself.
Have you ever heard the song made popular by The Staple Singers, I’ll Take You There?
That song was going off in my head and heart as we talked—although in my head it was BeBe and CeCe Winans singing it! “Ain’t nobody cryin’ … ain’t nobody worried … I’ll take you there!”
How do we get there?
I wanted to tell him: “I’m building the bridge.”
But I didn’t.
Not yet.
The bridge is still under design.
But his question told me that I was right on track with a mission and vision that’s been burning in my soul. Because I believe there’re many people standing exactly where this couple was standing.
Perhaps you’re one of them.
You’re standing on a cliff. Below you are raging, white-water rapids.
And somehow, deep inside, you just KNOW there’s something amazing on the other side.
But getting from here to there looks treacherous.
Do you jump?
Do you throw away everything you’ve built?
Do you risk your marriage?
Your income?
Your security?
Do you plunge into the rapids and just hope you survive?
So instead … You stay parked.
Wondering.
Wishing.
Hoping.
Occasionally catching another glimpse of what might be waiting on the other side.
I began sharing with this couple something I want to share with you:
There IS more.
And I believe there’s a bridge. But it must be the right bridge.
One of the great mysteries of life is … when we decide, surrender, and move towards a longing, purpose find us.
1. The bridge must be a pathway to MORE.
Before we can build a bridge, we must stop apologizing for wanting to cross the river.
With every longing comes great sacrifice. And it’s the sacrifice that brings wisdom. And it’s that wisdom that finds direction.
Because MORE does not necessarily mean…
more money,
more possessions,
more accomplishments,
more applause.
Often the longing for MORE gets stronger after we’ve already acquired some of those things.
Why?
Because the MORE we’re craving ISN’T more stuff.
It’s more meaning.
More connection.
More contribution.
More impact.
More of the sense that: “This life I have been given is being used for something that matters.”
I know that longing well.
Perhaps that why, I could so quickly hear it in what this couple shared.
They weren’t asking me to help them acquire a bigger house in a better neighborhood. They were asking: “Is there a version of our lives in which we feel fully alive?”
THAT’S what I was saying YES to!
But before you start dismantling the life you have, get curious about your longing.
Ask yourself: What is the MORE I’m actually longing for?
Because most times the longing isn’t telling you to abandon your life.
The longing may be simply inviting you to expand it. Trust that results will come.
Perhaps your next chapter isn’t about throwing away what you’ve built at all.
Perhaps it’s about finally discovering what everything you’ve built has prepared you to do.
My couple found that prospect exciting! The husband shared, “Even if we stay in the same neighborhood … putting my head on the pillow at night knowing I’ve contributed something will change EVERYTHING!”
2. The bridge must be safe.
This is important.
Longing for MORE does not mean you need to blow up your life.
Sounds silly. Maybe even foolish. But longings that build destiny create signs and moments. So, stop, look and listen! Something bigger than us joins our longing.
I warned my couple as I’m warning you, “Please don’t quit your job tomorrow because Dr. Neecie told you there was more! Because there’s no spare rooms at my house!”
You may have a mortgage.
Children.
A marriage.
Responsibilities.
People who depend on you.
A bridge allows you to move toward something MORE … without throwing yourself into raging water.
That’s what a good transition should do.
You can explore before you do something foolish with reckless abandon.
Learn before you leap.
Practice before you perform.
Grow before you go.
(Best-selling author Malcolm Gladwell discovered that the difference between those who had a performing career or a teaching career came down to 10,000 hours of practice. Those who went onto be performers all had at least 10,000 hours of alone time in a rehearsal room.)
And perhaps most importantly: You can prepare for “becoming” before you make any radical changes to what you do.
Sometimes we believe transformation requires a dramatic exit. Not always.
Some of the most important transformations begin quietly.
A class.
A conversation.
A mentor.
A new community.
An opportunity to serve.
A skill you begin developing.
A calling you finally stop dismissing.
One plank at a time.
That’s how bridges are built.
BUT…all along the way…stop, look, listen!
Now I’m a BIG believer in “burning the boats” when you take over an island. But we’re not BURNING bridges, we are building bridges.
And eventually with all the “becoming” … you are doing … you will look behind you and realize:
I’m not standing where I used to stand.
You might even find yourself on the bridge.
On your way. To a life of great fulfillment.
3. The bridge must lead to purpose and mission.
This is the piece that matters most to me. Because I don’t believe the ultimate goal of MORE is simply to make us “feel better” or “look better.”
Doing what really matters to us, should be something that would fulfill us even if we did for free.
I believe some of our greatest fulfillment comes when what we’ve received begins flowing through us to someone else.
I want you think about something I asked my clients to consider:
What have you survived?
What have you learned?
What have you overcome?
What do people naturally come to you for?
What can you see now that you couldn’t see 5 or 10 or 20 years ago?
What do you know—not because you read it in a book—but because you lived it?
It was delightful to hear what his journey with cancer had caused him to learn and practice about taking care of his body. What her journey in the corporate world as a woman had taught her about “holding her own.”
And then perhaps the most important question I asked them,
and am asking you as well:
Who might need what you now carry?
That question changed my life.
Again.
And again.
And again.
Each time I felt that longing for MORE, I eventually discovered that it wasn’t about asking: “What else can I accomplish?”
It was asking: “What else do I have to give?”
There is a tremendous difference.
Because purpose isn’t always about building something with your name on it.
*****
Sometimes the greatest evidence that your life mattered will be found in the lives that are different because you were here. (And you’ll find that your name in neon means nothing compared to witnessing a life changed)!
Perhaps that is why the longing won’t leave you alone.
Maybe you’re not ungrateful.
Maybe you’re not selfish.
Maybe you’re not impossible to satisfy.
Maybe you’re simply not finished.
I don’t know exactly what MORE looks like for you.
And I certainly wouldn’t tell you to jump off the cliff.
But I will tell you what I told that couple: There IS more.
And if you can see something on the other side of the river that keeps calling to you …
Don’t ignore it.
Don’t shame it.
Don’t stuff it.
Get curious about it.
Because that longing may contain clues to the next great purpose, cause,
or mission of your life.
And perhaps you don’t need to know how to get all the way there today.
Be responsible as you take the risk to reach towards the longing.
Perhaps for today, you just need to know:
There is a bridge.
And if you’ve been reading my emails lately, you know I’m working on it.
Because …
I know a place.
And when the time is right …
I’ll take you there.
With love and “Bridging” hugs,
Dr. Neecie