“Something’s just not working. My life just isn’t firing on all cylinders. I don’t really know how to say what I’m trying to say … I didn’t think this is where I’d be at this point in my life. Should I just accept it? Or is there even anything I can do about it?”
I nodded. Not because I didn’t get it. But because I’d say about 70% of every client I’ve ever seen has expressed some version of the same dilemma.
As I listened. I almost wished I had a quick: “Do this, this and this … and everything will be alright.”
But it’s not that straightforward.
There’s no magic pill.
No simple solution.
Don’t misunderstand me.
There IS a way to get there.
But it’s a journey, not a quick fix.
Oh, there’re plenty of “quick fixes” that can pump us up temporarily.
I developed a real disdain for those years ago.
Why?
Because they work. For about fifteen minutes. We feel inspired. Motivated.
Ready to conquer the world. And then Tuesday happens. After we cope with Monday.
Before long, we’ve fallen right back into the mundane life we were trying to escape.
There is solace in knowing that you’re normal. And the longing to know where your true north went is common. Finding it again is as complex as it is simple.
I leaned toward my client.
“I really understand what you’re saying. And I want to assure you there is an answer. But it’s a journey of becoming … not a quick answer.”
I could see the disappointment on his face. But I could also see him processing. To me, that’s a good sign.
One thing I’ve seen repeatedly. When surrender calls it’s a process that registers on the face. It’s a blank expression of being at the crossroads, looking towards a path, that you didn’t plan and have no control over.
And letting go.
When people respond immediately with, “Oh, never mind,” I know they may be opting out. Processing usually means they’re counting the cost.
Finally, he asked:“What does journey mean? Is it a 15-mile journey or a 15,000-mile journey?”
Indeed. He was counting the cost.
“It’s a different journey for everyone,” I told him. “But the people who take the journey and actually become what they’re looking for usually enter the door with a whatever-it-takes mindset.”
He nodded with curiosity.
“It’s a road less traveled. Not because it isn’t available to everyone. But because some people would rather accept good enough than step up to whatever it takes.”
He grinned. “Yeah. In AA we say you’re either ALL in or ALL out.”
“Well, you’ve been clean and sober for 6 months,” I reminded him.
“So clearly you decided you’d do whatever it took for your sobriety.”
Then I asked him the bigger question. “Are you willing to do whatever it takes to discover what you’re longing for? To figure out what isn’t quite right?”
(Yes, I know when we arrive at moments like this … it’s a difficult process. You’re normal. Take heart in that. And know this … giving up control is a struggle for all of us. But the change we long for will never be found doing life on repeat.)
He sat quietly for a moment. Then he said something I’ve heard expressed in a hundred different ways.
“It feels like there are invisible chains holding me back. I want to move forward … but what ARE these chains?”
I smiled. “Well, are you ready for a 50-hour marathon session? Because I’m pretty sure I could answer that question in that amount of time!”
We laughed.
But his question stayed with me.
What ARE those invisible chains?
I see them every day.
In people with trauma histories.
In people who’ve simply endured unfortunate life events.
And sometimes in people who would tell you: “Nothing terrible happened to me. I just know this isn’t the life I’m supposed to be living.”
As I thought about it, I realized many of those invisible chains fall into 3 categories.
Our beliefs.
Our operating system.
Our words.
And this week, I want to help you identify all 3.
Because you can’t cut a chain you don’t know is there. And once you can see it? You can begin hearing those links CLANG to the floor!
1. OUR BELIEFS CAN KEEP US STUCK.
“What do you believe about getting out of this ‘funk’ you described?” I asked my client.
He leaned back and stared out the window:
“Maybe I can…but it’s hard.”
“What if I try and make a fool of myself?”
“Am I just getting too big for my britches now that I’m sober?”
There they were.
The chains.
Not facts …
Beliefs.
And that’s important because many of our most powerful beliefs don’t announce themselves: “Hello. I’m a belief that was installed during a painful experience twenty-three years ago.”
Wouldn’t THAT make therapy easier?
Instead, they sound like truth. They become our truth based on our control of them. It’s that control that has a language of its own. It’s grounded in the past but dictating the future.
Can you hear it?
I’m not capable.
People like me don’t do things like that.
I’ll probably fail.
It’s too late.
I should just be grateful.
Maybe this is as good as it gets.
We don’t question them because we don’t even realize they’re beliefs.
We simply live from them.
That’s why I call some of them Branded Beliefs. Trauma and painful life experiences can leave us with these conclusions.
About ourselves…
other people…
and what is possible.
And long after the experience is over, the branding may still be making decisions.
So, here’s your first question: “What would you have to believe about yourself … or about life … to keep creating the same ole life you’re currently living?”
Don’t judge the answer. Just find it.
You can’t remove branding you cannot or refuse to see. And as we decidedly repeat our new truths, we become them.
It’s simple and that complex. That’s the wonder of neuroplasticity!
2. OUR OPERATING SYSTEM CAN KEEP US STUCK.
Then I asked: “Do you even know about the cycles and patterns set in your head/heart drive?”
He thought about it. “Well, now that you helped me see that I was trauma-bonded to my dad and did what he did with alcohol…I guess that’s one of them.”
Exactly.
I often use the metaphor of a computer. We have what I call a head drive and a heart drive.
Together, they form our internal ‘hard drive’…
patterns of thinking, feeling, reacting, relating, protecting and…
choosing choices that can become so familiar we stop noticing them.
We just call it: “Me.”
Or “That’s just who I am…”
But sometimes it’s not who you are. It’s simply what you’ve practiced.
You may repeatedly choose unavailable people.
Shut down during conflict.
Overwork.
People-please.
Expect rejection.
Return to anger.
Rescue everybody.
Sabotage opportunities just as they’re becoming exciting.
And eventually ask: “WHY ON EARTH DO I KEEP DOING THIS?”
Because patterns become familiar. But here’s something I want you to remember: FAMILIAR IS NOT DESTINY.
You can identify a pattern. You can understand where it came from.
You can interrupt it. You can reprogram it.
So, ask yourself. “What keeps happening in my life that I keep calling coincidence, bad luck, personality—or ‘just the way I am’?”
Only get honest if you want to change. Honesty begins when we say to ourselves, “I don’t know … but I want to know!”
There may be a pattern on your head/heart drive hiding there. And it’s running your life…out of your awareness!
“The purposes of a person’s heart are deep waters, but one who has insight draws them out.” An ancient proverb
3. OUR WORDS CAN KEEP US STUCK
Finally, I asked him.
“What do you hear yourself saying about your life? Your dreams? Your desires? Your future?”
He laughed. “Well, if my wife were here, she’d remind you what I said last night!”
I knew his wife well enough to know she’d be delighted to tattle on him.
“She’d say, ‘Last night when I asked if you’d go to a workshop with me, you said: I’m sober now, so maybe this is as good as it gets.’”
There it was.
His mouth had spoken the chain his heart had been carrying:MAYBE THIS IS AS GOOD AS IT GETS.
Listen to your own language. Not obsessively. Curiously.
“I’m just…”
“I could never…”
“At my age…”
“People like me…”
“It’s probably too late…”
“I should just be grateful…”
“This is as good as it gets…”
Words don’t magically determine our future. But we become what we think.
Repeated language can reveal … and reinforce … the beliefs and expectations we’re already living from.
So don’t merely change your words to something positive you don’t believe.
Listen to them.
“The power of life and death is in the tongue.” (Another great ancient proverb).
They may be showing you exactly where one of your invisible chains is attached.
*****
I looked at my client and said: “You asked me what those invisible chains are. You just found three places to start looking:
What you believe.
What keeps repeating.
And what you keep saying.
Now the question isn’t whether there are chains.
The question is: Are you willing to do whatever it takes to cut them?”
He didn’t answer immediately. Good. He was counting the cost again.
Then came the grin.
“So … I’m in for whatever it takes!”
I smiled. Because I know that look. It’s the look of someone who’s stopped asking: “Should I just accept this?” And begun asking:“HOW DO I GET TO THE OTHER SIDE?”
And my friend, if something inside you has been whispering:
Something’s not working.
There must be MORE.
This cannot be as good as it gets.
Please don’t automatically label that longing…
selfishness,
ingratitude,
or restlessness.
Pay attention to it. There may be something in you that’s ready to move.
And if you’re wondering how to get from here … to the life you somehow know is waiting over there … stay close!
I’M BUILDING A BRIDGE.
“You can’t just will your dreams to come true. You have to work hard. You have to give ’em wings, arms, legs … whatever it takes to make your dreams come true.” ~ Dolly Parton
With love and “Whatever It Takes” Hugs!
Dr. Neecie