The one difference between healthy attachment and the other 3…
is the absence of attachment wounds.
Attachment wounds do not occur in a moment.
They occur when there are ongoing patterns of problems in the caregiving we received.
Let me clarify this.
99% of the time, parents or other caregivers are not aware that they’re incurring attachment wounds.
Most parents are doing the best they know how to do … and their style of parenting just inadvertently creates these wounds.
Unfortunately, it does not have to be horrific abuse or maltreatment that creates these wounds.
They often occur in families where “everything looks good” on the outside.
I emphasize this because I don’t want you to miss any attachment wounds you may have experienced.
Because as I said last week … it affects EVERYTHING in your life.
-Your relationships with…
-Your spouse…
-Your kids…
-Your siblings…
-Your friends…
-Your coworkers…
-Your relationship with your job/career….
-Your relationship with finances…
-Your relationship with God…
And so much more!
This week, I want to look at the 3 attachment styles that result
from attachment wounding.
“Well, I’m not one of those who came from a ‘Good night, John Boy’ family! But I must admit that I wished for that at times,” my client reflected. “And I certainly didn’t create that for my wife or kids either …”
“It’s not too late!” I assured him!
And it’s not too late for your either, my friend!
How do anxious attachment wounds occur?
When a parent or caregiver is overwhelming, inconsistent, or intrusive, it often creates anxious attachment in the child.
In addition, a caregiver who has an anxious attachment style themselves often pass that to their children or those they care for.
Overwhelming a child can definitely wound a child.
Their systems are just not prepared to deal with things that overwhelm them.
The parent can overwhelm them with a loud voice, with anger, with worrying, with fear, with unpredictability, or even with excessive emotional pain or sobbing.
The child literally feels those things and becomes overwhelmed, creating a wound.
Unpredictability is very wounding to a child.
Never knowing what to expect or when to expect it wounds their sense of safety and stability.
The same occurs with inconsistencies.
Every child needs to have a consistent and fairly predictable environment.
When they don’t get the need for those things met, they grow up with attachment wounds. And an attachment style that desperately needs reassurance to calm those wounds.
Because it’s all we know, we don’t even usually know we are wounded.
Or that we have a fearful or anxious attachment style.
“My dad was unpredictable in that he was gone a lot. We never knew when he was leaving or when he would come back.”
“When he got home, he was glad to see us and sometimes would bring little gifts. And if we were lucky, he’d actually play with us.”
“But in a matter of days, or sometimes the same day, he flipped the switch and totally and became the tyrant ruler of our home. And we got the belt for acting like kids. The belt with the buckle end.”
His face was red with a mixture of anger and sadness.
I nodded with compassion.
“My mom was overwhelming. With her yelling. Her harsh words. With how she threw things around. Including us if we got on our nerves. Which was often.”
I said, “It is totally understandable why you emerged with an anxious attachment style with all of those wounds.”
He added: “I can understand now why you call them wounds. I’ve always thought a wound was something that you could see physically on someone. But knowing this, I’m sure all of us kids were the ‘walking wounded’!”
“Now I can see how I drive my wife crazy needing reassurance all the time. At least I guess that’s what it is when I need her to acknowledge every good thing that I do multiple times,” he half stated, and half asked.
I shared, “Sometimes people mistake this as a form of an inflated ego or narcissism. When truly it is just needing those anxious wounds comforted.”
If you find yourself anxious in your relationship or marriage, or even in your job/career … and constantly needing reassurance, you may have attachment wounds that created an anxious attachment style.
And I want to remind you that all attachment wounds can absolutely be healed!
Take time and look squarely within and be honest with yourself.
Take an inventory of past events.
When did your attachment style have adverse effect on your life?
That attachment defect has a reason and a name.
So, first you must identify them.
How do avoidant attachment wounds occur?
When caregivers are unavailable or unresponsive to a child’s needs, they often experience avoidant attachment wounds.
That sense of a parent being unavailable often occurs when a parent is “there, but not there”. Meaning they are there physically but preoccupied or not present.
Unresponsive often means that the caregiver finds social media, television, or chatting on the phone more important than the child’s needs.
“I can remember when I was a little boy, and my baby sister would cry in her crib. My mom would get up in a huff and slam the door so she couldn’t hear her, and get back to her soap operas,” my client said with apparent anger.
“And I remember how much I hated it because she was one person on the phone, chatting it up and gossiping with her friends, and a totally different person to us. When they needed something, she was all ears, when we needed something, we were an inconvenience!” he stated.
He paused, obviously processing some emotion.
He looked up, and said with great sadness, “They should’ve never had kids!”
I understood completely.
But I want to remind you that attachment wounds occur in families that are not nearly as dysfunctional as his sounded.
I share this, because I don’t want you to miss any of your attachment wounds, even if you grew up in a great family.
Most parents do the best they can, and yet they are dealing with their own dysfunctional history and wounds and may pass some of them on.
I am sharing this because if you happen to have any attachment wounds at all, even small ones, they have a major impact on your life, and I want to help you heal and find your best life.
Sometimes it’s best to tell yourself the truth about your parents and caregivers.
You are who you are now.
No need to ruminate about what they didn’t get right.
Just make note of the truth and make a decision to heal and become your best!
How do disorganized attachment wounds occur?
Disorganized attachments wounds are the most concerning.
These wounds always occur when there’s any kind of trauma in childhood (or infancy) that’s not appropriately processed and dealt with.
Of course, trauma can be many things:
A difficult divorce…
Loss of a family member…
Serious car accident…
Physical illness or injury…
Loss of a pet…
Physical or sexual abuse…
Moving suddenly without no process or help transitioning.
Many other things could be considered traumatic to a child.
(Remember we NOW KNOW things like these become a BIG deal as we grow older…they awaken and we can get stuck and become defensive over something that needs our surrender.)
These wounds also occur with unpredictable or frightening events.
-Or an environment of unpredictability or scary moments.
-Like loud fighting between parents.
-Or one moment something you do is cute or funny, the next moment you are spoken to harshly for severely punished for the same thing.
The reason this is a type of wounding that is so concerning is that this attachment style can carry with it mental health challenges.
You become someone who appears unstable.
You may seek closeness, then push it away.
You may be kind and thoughtful, then suddenly rude and inconsiderate.
The saddest part is that you may be unaware you’re doing/being any of these things.
The results of this attachment wounding can often lead to misdiagnosis of things such as ADD/ADHD or bipolar disorder.
Finally, this attachment style is often accompanied with alcohol or substance use disorder. Trying desperately to level oneself out.
But unfortunately, although the user with these wounds)might feel better internally, the substances exacerbate the concerning behaviors.
(From my AA friend. “There’s an ‘irritable discontent’ that accompanies the life of every addict/alcoholic. We live in an incomplete state, and we know it. No one knows that better than we do, and so we numb ourselves out. And the only way to see it is to trust that you don’t have a clue how to find it and wait til the miracle of seeing it…finds you.”)
“Are you talking to me when you say those things? I feel targeted,” my client confessed.
I responded: “I was speaking in general, but let’s talk about you specifically. How do you see yourself in what I’ve just shared?”
“In the middle of it all! Which is why I felt ‘targeted’. That’s why I drank. That’s how I felt. It was like a switch was going off in me all the time. I hated it. But I couldn’t control it. Even at work. But I got to the C-Suite by learning to go in my office and close the door when the ‘dark side’ rose up,” my client blurted out in desperation.
I calmed him with these words: “It’s not your fault. It’s … your wounding. But now that you know we simply must address all of it.”
He nodded in agreement.
“So, I’m not just a Jekel and Hyde? …That has to white knuckle my way through life?” he asked with desperate hope.
“If you’ll do the work, you’ll be fine.” I assured him.
Don’t misunderstand and think that these are the people you see failing in careers. Losing their families. That happens sometimes.
But often their deep desire to level themselves out serves them well in the world of business.
But normally, at the end of the day, they go home and ‘let themselves be’.
Which can mean unpredictability and difficulty in their marriage and as a parent.
Again, it can be healed! All attachment wounds can be healed!
***
Attachment wounds are not your fault.
-They occur in the best of families.
-They affect everything in our lives.
-They keep us from becoming all we were created to be.
-They prevent rich, abundant lives!
Let’s look at yours … and let the healing begin!
“It’s important to know that no matter how much pain you’re feeling right now, you can heal from an attachment wound. Putting yourself first with self-care and practicing healthy relationship habits so you don’t experience further injuries can help to heal attachment wounds… Remember…you couldn’t control the hurt, but you can control what you do about it.”
