The host of the broadcast asked a great question with curiosity His reaction wasn’t different than most people’s when they hear about emotional sobriety: “Wait a minute! What is this about emotional sobriety? And what is it?”
Before I answered the question about what it was, I clarified that many people mistakenly believe that this is only something that addicts need to know about and achieve.
But as psychologist Dr. Tian Dayton says: “Many of the clients that I treat have never had a problem with substance abuse. But they still act drunk! They think in distorted ways and their emotions alternate between being overly intense to shut down. They have trouble regulating their inner world.”
The truth is … most of us could benefit greatly from becoming emotionally sober.
So, what is emotional sobriety?
I’ll share with you several definitions and then give you my take on it.
“Being emotionally sober is a matter of navigating life’s ups and downs with resilience and balance. The ability to manage one’s emotions in a healthy way. Developing skills to cope with positive and negative feeling. To maintain emotional balance and well-being, even in adversity.”
Dr. Charley Allen
“Emotional sobriety refers to the ability to be present with all of your feelings without any one of them defining you or controlling you.”
Design for Recovery
“You are emotionally sober when you feel comfortable in your own skin (without an addictive substance or process) and at peace with who you are.”
Design for Recovery
“Emotional sobriety is about being emotionally healthy enough to deal with the normal shifting emotions of life. About freeing yourself from being controlled by your emotional states.”
Dr. Akhil Anand
My definition of emotional sobriety:
- The ability to identify each emotion we experience.
- The ability to feel and be comfortable with each emotion we feel.
- Without the need to silence or medicate them.
- Without the need to run or hide from them.
- With the ability to talk about them without acting them out.
- With the ability to talk about them without the dramatics.
- All while noting the impact our emotions are having on those around us.
“Emotional intoxications can seriously hijack any sense of stillness and inner peace. It sends you into a mindset that limits you from being fully present, where your mind spouts all sorts of unhelpful stories that steal you from the here and now.
Emotional sobriety enables you to reclaim your stillness. Instead of getting lost in your thoughts, you learn how to clear your head, reconnect with your intuition, and take control of your emotions with clarity.” Lyn Christian
I believe emotional sobriety is one of the greatest gifts we can give to ourselves and those we love. It’s like an investment that pays dividends throughout our lives … compounding our joy, peace, and fulfillment.
1. Why you need emotional sobriety.
The lack of emotional sobriety creates trauma and drama that we are not even aware of. It is the enemy of peace.
Whether we “stuff” emotions, or we “act out” emotions … it’s indeed a brand of addiction … same as addictions to alcohol, drugs, gambling, smoking, porn, shopping, etc.
One of the major reasons that we need emotional sobriety is that it is impossible to have deep, intimate connection without it. Not only does the lack of its presence prevent connection, but the lack of its presence prevents the emotionally unsober person from the ability to be present.
It also prevents us from being genuine and authentic.
Recently, I was working with an amazing man who struggled with negativity. He was not a rage’r or a yeller (at least ‘not often’, according to his report … which means he was raging and yelling far too often).
But he had become aware of his negativity when his adult daughter told him that she didn’t enjoy spending time with him because of it.
I asked him if he knew what she meant, or what she was referring to.
With a huge sigh and a roll of his eyes, he suddenly froze in his tracks.
I waited.
Then he admitted: “I had no idea what she was talking about, so I asked her. And she said, ‘Dad, it’s not even your blow ups that I’m talking about. It’s the rolling of your eyes. Your deep sighs that tell me I’m not intelligent and I disgust you’.”
He smiled sheepishly and continued.
“And I realized when you asked me that question … I did EXACTLY what she had told me.”
It was a very insightful moment for him, because he caught himself.
“Although you might not be familiar with this term, it sounds like you need to work on emotional sobriety,” I suggested.
He caught his eye roll and he stopped himself, and we both laughed.
His lack of emotional sobriety was damaging his relationship with his daughter.
It is simply impossible to have rich connection with anyone without emotional sobriety.
Another reason we need emotional sobriety is that without it … our words, our behaviors, and our lives become “self-will run riot.” What is that?
It means what we think, what we want, what we believe is all that matters. It runs over others, it takes others hostage, and it sabotages our own lives.
Finally, research has shown what emotional sobriety facilitates in our lives. These are things that I believe we all desire.
- Helps us regulate our moods
- Promotes a healthy perspective on difficult moments
- Keeps us living in the present moment
- Cultivates deep connection
- Fosters resilience (quick recovery from setbacks)
You may be wondering what emotional sobriety looks like. Here are some of the qualities and characteristics of those who live emotionally sober.
- They are able to manage strong emotions and talk about them calmly without acting them out. (In other words, no drama).
- They can regulate their moods. When they see themselves becoming “down,” or anxious, or agitated … they can process through those and bring themselves back into balance quickly.
- The have deep, intimate connections. With their spouses, their children, extended family, friends, and even with colleagues.
- They live in balance in the face of conflict and crisis. They do not “react” … they remain calm while assessing the situation and their emotions. They can reach for creative solutions and move forward to address the situation.
- They live in the present moment, focused on the people or situation they are in. They can set any “chatter” in their brains, or other distractions aside, to be dealt with at another time.
- They are always aware of their impact on others. They’re deeply devoted to leaving every person they interact with better than they were prior to the interaction.
- They have bounce-back-ability, better known as resilience. When they’ve made a mistake, they quickly own it and make it right. When they’ve been knocked down, they take a deep breath and rise again.
Isn’t that how we would all like to be?
“Emotional sobriety is synonymous with emotional intelligence or emotional regulation. It’s about learning how to navigate and respond to difficult emotions as they arise, so you can take control of your life and step into your most authentic, fulfilled, loving, and confident self. It’s hard work, but the effort is well worth the reward.” Lyn Christian
I know that we would all leave our own unique positive mark on the world if we practiced and lived in emotional sobriety.
2. What are the benefits of emotional sobriety?
If I were to sum up the research on the benefits of emotional sobriety, I would say that the summation would be: IT GIVES YOU THE OPPORTUNITY TO LIVE AN ABUNDANTLY FULFILLED LIFE!
The benefits are amazing, so let’s look at some of them. Hopefully they will inspire you to step into a journey of building a life of emotional sobriety.
- If you’re an addict, those who become emotionally sober have a 70% less risk of relapse. When I owned and operated an inpatient and outpatient treatment center, we found that many who came to us had been in some sort of treatment previously. The 2 things that became apparent was that the most common reason for relapse were unresolved trauma and roaring emotional drunkenness. Our specialty of focusing on those two things gave us one of the lowest recidivism rates.
- Emotional sobriety comes with better mental health. Those who practice emotional sobriety have significantly less depression and anxiety. In addition, they struggle less with disordered thinking, paranoid thoughts, delusions, and denial.
- Those who have emotional sobriety make healthier choices and decisions. Although they are aware of their emotions, and embrace them, they are able to engage the left side of their brain (logic) in harmony with the right side of their brain (creativity) … resulting in wise and healthy decision-making.
- People with emotional sobriety are able to separate trauma response and dysfunctional thinking from the present moment. They’re aware of their disempowering thoughts and where they came from. They avidly work to replace those thoughts with empowering thoughts, but in the present moment, they recognize how those may be interfering. Therefore, their ‘reactions’ become ‘responses’, and their authenticity remains intact.
- Emotional sobriety allows us to form and maintain connection in rich relationships. It’s impossible to maintain connection with emotional drunkenness at the helm. We unconsciously push people away, and even damage them in that state. However, emotional sobriety enhances relationships because there is trust and trustworthiness. There is a natural nurturing of the relationship. There is also the dedication to mutual respect.
- Emotionally sober people are great communicators. They can speak clearly, express themselves honestly, and listen actively. They are also able to communicate respectfully in the face of conflict, remaining calm and present. They can embrace and hear the other’s perspective, and validate it, even if they are in disagreement. Their kindness and empathy do not waver, even when communicating about difficult matters.
- There are many more benefits of emotional sobriety, such as: better resiliency, ongoing personal growth, healthier coping mechanisms, more self-awareness, greater self-confidence, better self-esteem, greater likelihood of living according to one’s values, and more fulfillment.
I hope that these benefits inspire you to jump into cultivating an even greater sense of emotional sobriety.
3. How to become emotionally sober or boost our emotional sobriety.
The client I mentioned in point #1 above (whose daughter didn’t want to spend time with him due to his emotional intoxication) said to me: “I can’t imagine how long this is going to take …”
I assured him, as I’d like to assure you. It is a journey.
But it’s a journey that will give you significant wins quickly and become even more solid over time.
It will feel more “natural” as you take steps forward.
Because of the significance of this journey in your life, I will give you 3 ways to get started on developing (or bolstering) your emotional sobriety. I will continue next week.
My hopes and prayers are that you’ll begin this journey immediately and follow these ‘how to’s’ this week!
How to develop emotional sobriety:
- Resolve past trauma and hurts.
Addressing your unresolved trauma is an absolute must and prerequisite before getting any significant traction with emotional sobriety.
This is a journey in and of itself.
When we experience trauma (anything the affected us in a significant way) or hurts … they brand our brains with disempowering thoughts and beliefs … and brand our hearts with an emotional home that’s not healthy (a default mode of shame, hurt, anger, fear, etc.)
Those roots of branding on our brains and hearts make emotional sobriety practically impossible.
To get started on this … I had my client list out bullet points of unresolved trauma. When I asked him to do this, he, like many, responded: “I don’t have any trauma.”
I responded to him … as I will respond to you … “You wouldn’t be an emotional drunk if you didn’t have unresolved trauma. Period!”
You may feel like he did when he said: “WOW! Gut punch.”
I prefer to call it a nudge …
Each week, I will give you another step in addressing unresolved trauma. But start with your list.
- Make a resolute decision to move forward in emotional sobriety.
Like my client, you may ask: “What on earth does that mean?”
“Get a fire in your belly and a fire on your backside!” was my response.
Let’s talk about how you can get a “fire in your belly” and a “fire on your backside” to back your decision to become emotionally sober.
A “fire in your belly” is your “WHY.”
Review the benefits in point #2 above, and list those that you’d like to have in your life.
What positive difference would emotional sobriety make…
- In your marriage?
- In your family?
- In your other relationships?
- In your business/career?
- In your life?
A “fire in your backside” is what your will lose or miss out on if you fail to develop emotional sobriety.
This is crucial.
Research shows that we are all more likely to accomplish things if there is a fire on our backside.
Make your list of what might happen (that’s not what you want) if you don’t develop emotional sobriety.
My client was motivated by his daughter not wanting to spend time with him. He did not want to lose that connection.
- Pay attention to your internal “chatter.”
What goes on internally is the turbo fuel of emotional intoxication.
Pay attention to your thoughts…moment to moment.
Anything other than encouragement and inspiration is “chatter.”
Capture at least one of those thoughts hourly.
Write them down.
At the end of the day, answer these 3 questions about each of those thoughts:
Where did they come from? (Did your parents say those sorts of things to you? Was it a coach or teacher?)
Are they true? (If not, tell them to shut up any time they come up. If they are true, get your life in line with them).
Are they moving me forward in a positive direction toward emotional sobriety? (If so, welcome them. If not, tell them to shut up!)
More steps toward emotional sobriety next week.
“Emotional sobriety empowers us to cultivate meaningful connections with others. It enables us to be present and authentic in our relationships, fostering deeper connections and a sense of belonging. This power of emotional sobriety allows us to develop healthy boundaries and communicate effectively, promoting healthier and more fulfilling interactions.” Quote-sanity
What could possibly be more wonderful than meaningful connections, being present and authentic, have a great sense of belonging, and more fulfillment?
That’s what emotional sobriety does for us.
I hope you will JOIN THE JOURNEY with me to emotional sobriety.