“The first time you told me I had a ‘connection disorder’ … I thought you meant my mouth and my brain weren’t connected!” my client said to me as he walked in my office.
“And maybe that’s true too!” he commented … before I had a chance to say it!
We both enjoyed a good laugh.
“But then when you made the comment again in our last marriage session, I knew I had to look at it … so here I am!”
I was curious which comment he was referring to … so I asked him to clarify.
“You said that the cycle my wife and I are in wouldn’t be much different until I resolved my connection style problems.”
“Oh … I think I remember saying that your attachment style keeps drama and chaos alive … and I hoped we could break that cycle by looking at yours,” I added.
I was glad he heard the comment and was willing to take a look at it.
Most of us don’t know that much about attachment styles … much less what ours is … or how it affects ALL relationships.
Although Dr. John Bowlby began studying attachment styles in the 1950s, it did not gain much traction in the field of psychology until late in the1980’s to the 1990’s.
Dr. Mary Ainsworth took Dr. Bowlby’s work to a whole new place of recognition in the field of psychology.
Today, we understand it is one of the most important concepts in helping people experience healthy and fulfilling relationships.
“Well, that’s why I’m here. I know that this up and down cycle of ‘stuff’ that goes on between us isn’t healthy. But I love her … and I want this to work. Is there some test I need to take?”
I told him that there were assessments that were very helpful in determining one’s attachment style.
But I told him that I preferred to do a deep debrief first and determine what we thought as we debriefed. Then confirm it with an assessment.
I also added that first I always like to help people understand the concept, get a general overview of the four attachment styles, and to fully embrace its import in our lives.
I’d like to start there in sharing with you this week as well.
What are attachment styles?
Attachment style is the way we interact and behave in our relationships.
In the womb, it’s how we interact with the mother. From birth on … the interactions we have with all caregivers influence our attachment style.
I shared with my client: “These early interactions have more impact on our lives and our future relationships than we might imagine.”
“As I’ve listened to you … I’m thinking … no wonder my connecter is screwed up! My mom was angry all the time, and she clearly didn’t want the kids she had. My dad was gone all the time. Supposedly working. He came home glad to see us … and was beating us in just a few days,” my client shared.
I nodded with empathy.
“I decided early on I wouldn’t be like either one of them. I’d get out as soon as I could … And somehow, I’d find a better way …” he drifted off …
I waited.
Then he looked up at me with a look of desperation.
“I guess I didn’t … because you’ve seen the trouble my marriage is in … shouldn’t I just be able to decide I want to be different? To act different? To speak to her differently? And just do it?”
“I wish it was that simple,” I commented. “But knowing you want to be different, and you want the marriage to be different is a great place to start.”
“What you must understand that it is hard programming. For example, the Word app on your computer is hard programmed for documents. But no matter how determined you are to edit a movie with it … it simply is not programmed to do that,” I explained.
“Our attachment style is hard programmed in us. We can change it … but not just with some ‘hopes to do better’.”
“I wish that was the case, but it’s just not how it works. But if you have the desire … we will get you on the fast track to healing any dysfunction in your attachment style.’
I hope you will follow along over the next few weeks to learn about your attachment style.
“Attachment styles are patterns that emerge in our earliest emotional bonds with caregivers. These early attachment styles play an important role in child development and also influence attachment patterns in adult relationships. Knowing more about which style you have can help you better recognize the challenges you might face in your romantic relationships.”
Kendra Cherry
How many styles are there?
There are four attachment styles, and each of them are referred to with various names.
Today I will list them (and the names used to refer to them), along with their basic definitions.
Then over the coming weeks, I will explore them with you in detail.
How they are formed
What it looks like in childhood
What it looks like in adult relationships
What it’s like to be in a relationship with someone with each style
What needs to be healed
“What if I’m all of them?” my client asked with trepidation in his voice.
“Well, we all have a bit of all four of them in us, but we all have one predominant style. When we identify your primary style, that’s the one we’ll address,” I assured him.
What are the four styles:
Healthy (also referred to as secure)
Healthy attachment is feeling safe, supported, and connected in a relationship. Knowing that you can go your way, and the other on their way (to jobs, or on trips, etc.), but you will look forward to coming back together. You know you can share your innermost being and it is safe. You can address and resolve issues without it damaging the relationship.
Anxious (also referred to as insecure or preoccupied)
Anxious attachment is riddled with preoccupation about the relationships, fearful of abandonment, needing constant reassurance.
There’s a great struggle with boundaries and ineffective communication styles.
Avoidant (also referred to as dismissive)
Avoidant attachment desires deep connection but avoids emotional closeness and diminishes the importance of it as a self-protective measure.
Disorganized (also referred to as anxious/avoidant, or fearful/dismissive)
Disorganized attachment looks like a combination of the anxious and avoidant personality styles. Their behavior in relationships is erratic and unpredictable. They seek closeness but push it away when it is obtained.
“Well, you’re right!” my client proclaimed. “I’m not all four of them … because it’s clear I’m not the #1 (healthy) kind!”
I nodded in agreement with a grin.
Then he asked innocently: “Is it even possible for me to get there?”
I assured him: “Anyone who’s willing to look at it, desires to become healthy in their attachments, and willing to do the healing work can definitely have a healthy attachment style!”
He looked relieved.
I hope you feel similar relief if you see yourself in any of the above.
You, we, all of us … deserve healthy and fulfilling relationships. And healing attachment styles catapults us in that direction!
“You can change your attachment style. If you don’t have a secure attachment style, you can surely do self-work to shift into healthier relationship dynamics. And, if you’re in a relationship, profound positive shifts can occur when both partners consciously invest in healing their attachment wounds.” Dr. Carla Manly
Why does it matter?
“Don’t throw anything at me!” my client begged with his hands out to protect himself. (Recalling how he had asked that question with contempt in marriage therapy).
“I only asked that in our marriage counseling session because I didn’t know …”
I was preparing to respond when he interrupted me with: “I know … it was the way I said it … as if it was the stupidest concept in the world.”
I smiled as I nodded affirmatively.
“I know it matters now. If all you said was the one thing you did say: ‘Perhaps because it’s causing all of this chaos in your marriage?’ that would be all I’d need to hear!”
I shared with him what I’d like to share with you. It matters for so many reasons:
It affects every relationship (spouses, friends, family, our kids – small or adult, neighbors, our experiences on the job … even how we relate to God).
It affects our ‘worldview’ … what we believe about ourselves, about others, about life.
It can prevent us from becoming all we were created to be.
It can block our ability to live out our purpose, our mission, our calling.
It can make our goals and dreams feel irrelevant.
On the other side of the coin, it can help us achieve all those things when we have a healthy attachment style.
“I must admit that it just frustrates the hell out of me to find one more thing ‘wrong’ with me … and particularly since it’s a result of how I grew up!” my client commented.
I nodded but added: “It’s not something ‘wrong’ with you … it’s about having your hard drive (your brain) and your heart drive (your heart) mis-programmed.”
“So it’s not my fault?” he asked with the tone of a little boy.
“Not until now. Most of us are unaware. How can we ‘fix’ something we are unaware of? But now you know …” I commented.
“And I will accept that challenge!” he committed.
The same is true for you, my friend.
A great writer posted something recently that I believe applies here: “You are struggling with something you didn’t cause … that was the result of someone else’s sin.”
I know it seems unfair … but at the same time … it’s a beautiful moment to take care of an aspect of your life that will result in something freeing and beautiful!
***
Attachment styles really have a major impact on our lives, our beliefs, our hard drive, our heart drive and our futures.
“Securely attached individuals tend to be emotionally available to their partners. They are open and responsive to their partner’s emotional needs and feel comfortable expressing their own feelings. They can provide emotional support and closeness when needed but also respect their partner’s boundaries and independence.
They are comfortable expressing their thoughts, feelings, and needs in a clear and straightforward manner. They are also good listeners, showing empathy and understanding when their partners communicate.
They are typically skilled at constructive conflict resolution and are more likely to provide and receive emotional support in a balanced and reciprocal manner.
Securely attached individuals tend to have a positive and healthy self-view. They see themselves as worthy of love, respect, and care, both from themselves and from others.” Anna Drescher
Doesn’t this sound like who we would like to become or become more of?
My hope is that you will follow along over the next few weeks.
Even if yours is mostly healthy … cleaning up the remnant of unhealthy that might be mixed in can make a major difference in your ability to live the abundant life, feeling great fulfillment.
