“It’s like everything is changing!
That’s not a complaint.
But it’s like we’re having to learn
to do everything in a different way.
Are we on the right track?”
My clients were sincere in their question …
and they were right on!
Love after trauma is different.
It’s kinda like the first relationship is mostly burned down …
and a new one is being built.
That requires some patience
where there used to be spontaneity.
It invites more clarity
where there used to be assumption.
It ignites tenderness
where instinct previously demanded:
“Protect yourself!”
Whether the trauma, wounding, or unfortunate life
events came long before the relationship
(through childhood neglect, betrayal, loss) …
Or within the relationship …
(through infidelity,
emotional disconnection,
or conflict) …
Trauma changes how we connect.
Because it influences how we connect.
Trauma teaches:
-Our bodies to brace for impact
-Our hearts to question and doubt
-Our minds to anticipate pain.
But there’s GREAT news:
trauma does not and cannot
erase the capacity to love!
(Love is that pull that …
always calls,
says there’s better,
waits for you,
speaks beneath the surface.)
With awareness, intention, and healing experiences
shared between partners,
intimacy can be not only be restored …
it can be restored deeply.
Beyond anything you’ve experienced previously!
Trauma isn’t just something we survive.
It markedly changes patterns in our nervous system.
It reshapes and reprograms our understanding of …
closeness,
safety,
trust.
Like Dr. Bessel van der Kolk wrote in The Body Keeps the Score:
“Trauma is not the story of something that’s happened back then; it’s the current imprint of that pain on body, mind, and brain.”
In giving and receiving love, this imprint shows up subtly —
-in how quickly you shut down,
-in how easy it is to mistrust,
-in how you guard parts of yourself.
Whether the trauma is from the past
or from within the relationship experience,
love becomes entangled with fear.
Our nervous system’s job is survival.
Not connection.
Without healing, every attempt at closeness
can feel like risk.
I explained to my couple. This is what you’re experiencing.
You’re having to dismantle old patterns … and create new ones.
That’s why we’re focusing on rebuilding the relationship …
or even more exciting …
Taking the good and great things from relationship #1 …
And building an amazing relationship #2 …
With the SAME person!
1. Rebuilding love with great intention!
Trauma makes love feel like
walking through a hallway full of memories.
(Though you may not have a clue that’s happening)
With mixed reflections on the relationship …
all at the same time!
Some beautiful, some bruising.
Some wonderful, some wounding.
Some light, some loaded.
Some delightful, some devastating.
Some rewarding, some reprehensible.
Our healing process invites us
to re‑enter that hallway intentionally,
and to create new memories.
Love after trauma is often not spontaneous.
It must become a conscious practice.
Again … it REQUIRES intention.
Willingness.
Why is intention so important?
When the body’s default mode is caution,
connection must be relearned.
After an awful stroke that effects extremities,
patients must learn to walk again.
But those who are determined to do so …
usually have great outcomes.
(Positiveness is not just a private pep session.
It’s a hormonal redirecting of our neurobiology.
It’s now science!
Your brain can create your own pom-poms.)
Relearning to love after trauma is much the same.
When we practice intentional loving, it provides new evidence
to our nervous system saying:
-This moment is different.
-I’m safe right now.
-I can carefully begin to trust again.
Research conducted at the University of North Carolina (2022)
revealed that couples who consciously practiced daily “intentional connection rituals” (like gratitude exercises or healing exercises)
reported a 36% increase in emotional security after 8 weeks.
Intention is also important because it activates the ventral vagal network. (That’s the part of our central nervous system that promotes safety and connection).
It tells you/me/us … “This is good place to be”.
“That makes so much sense,” my couple commented.
Then they asked,
“Can you give us some examples
of ways to practice intentional loving?”
Here are some of the ideas I gave them.
I warned them as I am warning you …
knowing what these ideas are
does NOTHING for your relationship.
Practicing them will build a beautiful relationship #2!
Intentional loving exercises:
· Choose to do small consistent loving gestures instead of waiting for the need to repair.
Healing doesn’t happen through one apology
or some gigantic romantic moment.
It occurs through micro‑moments of reassurance.
Like choosing …
a calmer tone,
a morning check‑in of concern,
a quick text that says:
“I’m thinking of you and smiling.”
(According to the Gottman Institute, couples that maintain a ratio of at least 5 positive interactions for every negative one during conflict … recover trust faster and report higher satisfaction two months later.)
· Take some time to describe what safety looks and feels like to you and share it gently with your partner (speaking about what you DO want, not what you DON’T want).
Most partners can describe
what feels loving to them,
but few can describe safety.
Here are some examples:
-When you breathe slowly, I relax.
-When I’m talking to you and you look at me, I feel safe.
-When you reach for my hand, my chest relaxes.
This gives both of you a roadmap back to regulation quickly.
· Build predictability intentionally.
After betrayal or chaos, predictability is like medicine.
Agree on small rituals like …
-weekly walks,
-bedtime debriefs,
-shared phone boundaries.
This retrains the nervous system to expect steadiness.
· Reinitiate curiosity intentionally.
Trauma maxes out our alert system so that everything feels like a threat.
Intentional love softens, then eventually turns off, the alert system.
Ask gentle, but curious questions like:
– “What have I done that makes you feel close to me lately?”
– “What else might I do?”
– “What might I do today to provide you comfort and assurance?”
Curiosity signals to our nervous system
that connection is alive and evolving.
In a 2020 Journal of Marital and Family Therapy study of 300 couples recovering from betrayal, researchers found that structured intentionality (like those things just listed in the bullet points) … resulted in a 71% increase in relationship stability and satisfaction for over 6 months.
Intention doesn’t erase trauma,
but it creates enough consistency
for love to feel believable
and come alive again.
Intention is how you do your job.
Intention is how we enjoy a hobby.
Intention is how we save $$$ … you get my drift.
How much more then should intention be invested into … how we love.
In chess that kind of truth is called … checkmate.
2. Healthy conversations can re‑establish connection
and be great cornerstones for relationship #2.
Trauma distorts communication.
When activated, people stop hearing words
and start hearing their internal danger threats.
One sigh becomes (or feels like) harsh rejection.
One pause becomes (or feels like) sudden abandonment.
One eye roll becomes (or feels like) a “you’re worthless” message.
To rebuild connection,
couples need a new conversational framework.
One that is based on …
safety,
staying on topic,
emotional maturity,
and understanding rather than problem‑solving.
After trauma/the results of trauma,
often times (if not all the time)
it makes talking feel risky.
Especially if either one blows up the room.
During relational stress, the amygdala sounds an alarm for danger in milliseconds.
Our heart rates spike.
We get flooded with cortisol.
Empathy goes out the window.
Then suddenly, old wounds hijack the dialogue.
(Get honest. Who’s in control of your brain?
You OR your past? Remember …
truly living is NOT … reliving.)
The key is to pause long enough
for the thinking brain (prefrontal cortex)
to come back online.
The Couple Communication Project (done at the University of Washington, 2022) revealed that couples who paused for 10 seconds after a partner spoke …
Diminished physiological stress markers by 42%.
Doubled emotional understanding.
The SAFE Communication Model (developed by, Dr. Annegret Hannawa, at a University in Italy) provides a very good structure for healing conversations.
S — Slow things down before you speak.
Before speaking, each partner takes one grounding breath.
Make eye contact if possible.
Let your body relax.
If intensity rises, pause.
A — Acknowledge your state and your feelings to yourself.
Voice how you’re feeling in the moment:
“I’m feeling a little bit nervous in my stomach right now.”
Labeling physiology keeps blame out of the equation and invites co‑regulation.
F — Focus on present … this moment. Not the past.
Trauma often magnetically draws conversations back to historic fights. Instead of evidence, speak sensation: “I feel pressure in my chest when we discuss these things.”
E — Express your needs clearly, with kindness (and without criticism).
Replace old complaints (like “You never understand me”) with direct, behavioral requests: “Could you hold my hand while I share this?” or “I need reassurance right now. Can we talk about solutions another time?”
Using these SAFE Communication guidelines, here are some conversations I recommended to me couple. And for you too! (But only DOING them makes a difference!)
The Truth Talk:
Trauma alters needs. Ask this simple question:
“What do you need more or less from me in our relationship right now?”
Listen while your partner answers.
Then ask your partner the same question.
This sparks honesty that rebuilds connection.
The Fear Talk:
Each partner finishes this sentence:
“When I get scared in our relationship, I tend to…”
One listens, then asks the other
to complete that same sentence.
Each should reflect, validate, empathize.
REFLECT – Just a summary statement every few
paragraphs, using this stem sentence:
“It sounds like …”
(Example: It sounds like this has been exhausting for
you).
VALIDATE – Consider what was shared and validate by
telling them what makes sense to you.
Use this stem sentence:
“It makes sense to me …”
(Example: “It makes sense to me if you hold it together all day at work, then
get the kids down, that you feel so exhausted that you
just cry!”)
EMPATHIZE – After validating, let them know you
followed their feelings by guessing 3 feelings.
Use the stem sentence:
“You must feel …”
(Example: You must feel drained, sad, and hopeless at times).
It’s ok if you’re wrong.
Let them give you more accurate feelings.
Understanding each other’s protective patterns
replaces judgment with empathy.
The Repair Talk:
Leave any “but’s”, defending, justification,
and explanations out of apologies.
Instead of “I’m sorry, but…” say:
“This is what I understand now about our rupture…
and this is what I’m choosing to do differently.”
Studies from the Harvard Relationship Lab (2021)
show that offering specific behavioral change
commitments improves forgiveness rates by 52%.
The Vision Talk:
Trauma often makes couples focus on not getting hurt again
rather than creating something new where they won’t get hurt.
In this talk, shift the question to:
“How would we like to act and feel
a year from now when an argument occurs?”
You must remember …
It’s not just any kind of communication that heals trauma —
it’s regulated communication.
When both nervous systems stay present enough to keep curiosity alive, the relationship experience goes deeper and sweeter.
Remember when you were trying to win each other’s heart?
Do that.
3. Another healing exercise (that only works if you DO it!)
Once insight and conversation create understanding,
the body still needs an experience of healing.
One that is felt deeply.
This exercise helps partners experience closeness
while maintaining choice and safety …
two key ingredients in healthy relationships
that trauma erodes.
This exercise can reset the tone of the relationship
and do significant healing in 10 minutes or less.
(Any rebellion to this exercise is caused by trauma … which always skews willingness to embrace intimacy … why? It feels weird so we don’t. But isn’t that also how you felt when we determined to reach for our dream? LET’S DO THIS!)
Step 1: Establish a moment of safety.
-Sit facing each other about arm’s length apart.
Each partners places one hand on their own heart as you both take 3 slow breaths together.
-Say out loud together: “I choose to be here at this moment with the intention of bringing healing to our relationship.”
This invokes what polyvagal research calls “self‑anchoring” — reminding the body that safety begins internally.
Step 2: Gently gaze into one another’s eyes for 3 minutes
(it’s okay to set a timer).
-Do not speak or force anything.
Simply observe.
-Look inside your partner’s eyes
as if it they’re the windows to their soul.
-Notice what happens in your body: tightening, warmth, tears, a desire to look away.
-But regardless, continue the gentle gaze.
Keep breathing.
(Remember: the goal isn’t intensity.
It’s noticing what’s happening in the moment.)
Eye contact activates the ventral vagal system and oxytocin release,
which reduces fear and increases connection (University of Zurich, 2022).
Step 3: Take turns completing these sentences.
Take turns finishing the following sentences.
Speak slowly; breathe between each.
– “When I look at you, what I feel most is _____.”
– “Something in me wants _____ to feel more closeness.”
– “Something in me that still feels uncertain is _____.”
– “One thing I’d like to be assured of in this moment is _____.”
The listener simply receives.
No response yet.
When the one speaking smiles,
the listener …
reflects,
validates,
empathizes.
Then switch places.
Research from The Journal of Integrative Behavioral Couples Therapy (2020) found that when emotional disclosure is met with non‑reactive presence, neural markers of trust increase within 60 seconds.
Step 4: Invite co‑regulation with nonsexual touch
If both consent, join hands or place a hand over each other’s hearts.
Breathe together — in through the nose for 4 counts,
out through the mouth for 6.
Do this 3 times.
Imagine the exhale releasing tension between you.
For 90 seconds, breathe in sync.
This simple act lowers sympathetic arousal
and raises oxytocin levels.
Over weeks these micro‑moments
re‑pattern the body’s expectation of contact.
Step 5: Make 3 assuring statements by completing these sentences:
– “Right now, I feel _______ …”
– “I am grateful that you shared _______ …”
– “What I’d like to do this week to make our relationship stronger (based on what you said) is _______ …
“One way I want to nurture trust and healing between us this week is ______…”
The other partner completes the same sentences.
End with gratitude:
“Thank you for doing this with me.”
Hug quietly for 30 seconds (if both are comfortable with it).
A Frontiers in Behavioral Neuroscience (2023) review concluded that structured co‑regulation practices measurably increase heart‑rate variability (HRV) — the gold‑standard biomarker of emotional resilience.
Do this exercise weekly or more often
if you sense emotional distance.
It’s not a performance; it’s a practice.
Practice brings progress.
And progress brings fulfillment.
That is … IF you want a life of peace, connection, and true intimacy.
If you don’t … then don’t.
(From my AA friend. “Every AA meeting ends with a phrase we all repeat, “It works if you work it”. When I first started my recovery, I thought that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard! Then I started doing what was asked and encouraged and now … nothing could be truer!)
*****
Trauma changes our capacity to love —
but healing increases our capacity to love, and love well.
That’s why I give to you weekly, 30+ years of truth
that can and will set you free!
But NOTHING works if you don’t work it.
In the beginning, this may feel mechanical or unnatural.
Having to breath in certain ways.
Following steps that could seem perfunctory.
But over time, these become your nervous system’s new story:
“You love is alive and well, and it’s safe to stay.
And to grow and create an amazing relationship #2!”
The couples who thrive after trauma
aren’t those who forget their past.
They’re the ones who let past pain
become the reason they love more intentionally.
They exchange old impulsive reactions …
for mindful connection.
They begin to experience …
repair and healing.
Because love after trauma is not naïve …
love — is always intentional.
It’s chosen love.
Rebuilt together … one regulated heartbeat at a time.
“Love …
Turns a poor boy
Into a king
Rocks a baby
On a front porch swing
And the church bells
Ring and ring …
Love changes, love changes
Everything!”