“Every time I complete one of the assignments you’ve given me, my first instinct is to share it with her. Which reminds me of the pain of her absence,” my client shared.
I totally understood my partner’s loneliness, and his desire to share his healing process with his spouse (who’s still absent from his life).
You must understand that the only thing that will make them lonely for you, is emotional sobriety. Consistency. Change that’s tangible.
When someone is indifferent or just plain worn out, your progress report is the last thing on their mind if it’s on their mind at all.
(From my friend in AA. “Alcohol addiction is the result of many things but one for certain. We who are alcoholics live with the mindset that says, ‘If only everyone else would get it … they’d see what I see, and things would be good’. That’s why over and we say in recovery, ‘The only person we can ever change is us and that’s why we just need to keep our spoon in our own bowl’.”)
I have plenty of clients I work with, whose spouse is still there with them. But they’ve lived with the VMH aggressions so long … they’re not readily interested in the healing exercises.
I understand both sides.
I understand one who finally “gets it” … is doing the work … and wants to share their progress, their victories.
And the one who has lived through so many VMH aggressions that their steel walls don’t allow them to hope or (perhaps) even care about their partner’s efforts.
(Why? They’ve arrived at the attitude … “too little too late”.)
This may feel and seem like a hopeless impasse.
But it’s so much more than that.
It’s a process that takes time.
And it takes letting go of all results except the ones that change you.
I’ve been asked by many through private messages and emails …
“Is this over?” or
“Should I just move on?”
My response is the same each time,
“Continue your healing process and allow the evidence of your change and transformation to speak for itself. Giving up is simply one more VMH aggression.”
In case you’re new to this series … let me explain what your VMH and its aggressions are.
The VMH is a cluster of about 3000 brain cells called the ventromedial hypothalamus.
Its job is to send us into action when there’s danger or the threat of danger.
It’s always accompanied with aggression (which is meant to be bursts of energy to address the danger).
However, when we grow up in environments rich in anger, angst, frustration … our VMH becomes oversensitive … and our aggressions become excessive.
The aggressions can be physical in nature (pounding a fist on a counter or even assaulting someone).
Usually they’re demonstrated in irrational thinking (blaming, accusing, assaulting verbally).
Or verbal aggressions (loud, harsh words).
Or behaviorally (extreme eye rolls, charging, superiority, or intimidating body movements).
These aggressions create stress hormones in those who witness our VMH hijacking our emotions, whether directed at them or not.
When the “moment” passes, it’s “over” for the one with VMH aggressions, but long from being over for those who are in the vicinity when it erupts.
As I’ve said in blogs over the past few weeks, it requires awareness and work to desensitize VMH aggressions.
It requires humility, courage, and determination.
(Admitting our powerlessness is step one),
Then we MUST do the work to rewire our VMH aggressions.
It also requires major repair work to heal the relationships that have been exposed to the aggressions.
This week, I’m writing about “doing the work” and also addressing more about the “repair work” necessary for your relationships to survive.
Just as your VMH aggressions were programmed in your early life, your repetitive VMH hijacks, accompanied with aggressions, has programmed the people in your life to associate YOU with “flipping on a dime to aggressions” … without warning.
AND … to feel a general and profound “lack of safety in your presence.”
As I assured my client, you must approach this with the attitude of “patience” and “it’s never too late” if there’s to be healing and restoration to the relationship.
Remember … the only person we can ever change for certain is us.
And then to pray this … “God grant me serenity to accept the things (& people) I cannot change. The courage to change those things we can (ourselves). And the wisdom to know the difference.”
1. Getting to the root of your VMH aggressions.
I’ve had many people reach out to me who felt they had no resources to get to the root of their VMH hijacks and aggressions.
I’ll share some things to get you started.
But let me reiterate some of the things I’ve shared in my blogs.
And add some of the things I’ve shared with my client.
First of all, you must approach this with an open mind and open heart. What you consider “normal” or you just being you, is the problem.
In the beginning of looking at these things, my client rolled his eyes and said his childhood was just fine and he didn’t need to blame his parents.
It’s not about blaming.
There’s no value in that.
But if you want weeds to go away, you must go for the root.
We all think in patterns.
It’s those patterns that must be circumvented.
Find the root causes of the patterns.
Then create our own version of our own pause button.
The same is true with VMH aggressions.
It’s not about blaming … it’s about going for the root.
I also shared with him that we were not looking for an alibi for his aggressions. We’re looking for where it all started so we can remove the root and plant something fruitful.
Like kindness, compassion, and connection.
Another thing you MUST be aware of is when you think that your VMH aggressions are “not that bad.”
They may not seem “that bad” to you.
But if you take an honest look at your aggressions, there’s no way that you can ignore the trail of devastation it’s left behind.
It’s hard to look at.
You likely did not intend to hurt anyone.
But the attitude that it isn’t/wasn’t “that bad” will not get you the healing you need and deserve … And your relationships will suffer tremendously (if they even survive).
I believe you’re here and that you’re reading this … because you truly desire to step up and make the change that’ll make all the difference in your life and in your relationships.
If you are fully armed with humility, courage, and determination … here are a few of the questions you can begin journaling responses to.
Take time to write your responses … it’ll help you when you begin to look at the patterns and cycles and where they came from.
Here are a few of the questions that’ll get you started:
§ As a child, how did you usually feel at home?
§ Comfortable?
§ Nervous?
§ Was your environment predictable?
§ Or were you on guard a lot?
§ Did you know what to expect?
§ Were you glad to be home?
§ Or did you spend as much time as possible outside?
You may download a longer, more comprehensive worksheet by clicking on this link: https://bit.ly/RootOfVMHAggressions
After you’ve completed the worksheet … if you DO IT in its entirety, you will have taken a giant step in healing your VMH sensitivities.
If you just reflect and think through it, you’re not yet ready for real healing and restoration. But you will have for when that time comes.
When I said that to my client, he confessed with honest humility: “If you’d given me that worksheet a few years ago … I would’ve read it … but thought that was good for someone who really needs it.”
I nodded with a smile.
He continued: “But now I AM THE ONE WHO NEEDS IT!”
I admired his courage and tenacity.
I believe you have the same.
2. Working on the letter
I’ve provided the outline for the letter to your spouse, loved one, child, adult child, friend … or whoever has been the recipient of your VMH aggressions.
I will share the outline here again for context.
It is the one I provided to my client … so the pronouns may need to be “he/him/his” as opposed to the “she/her/hers” in this one.
1. A brief definition of your VMH and its sensitivities
2. An acknowledgement of your aggressions (what they looked like, sounded like, and what you guess they felt like to her)
3. Give specific examples (3 – 5)
§ What happened and what your aggression looked like/sounded like
§ What you did when it was over (ignored it, promised to stop, etc.)
§ How it must’ve affected her (guess how she felt)
§ How you did or did not help her or make repairs
§ What you should’ve done (or wish you had done)
4. Acknowledge how you kept doing it again and again
5. Share a bit about what you’re learning about the VMH roots in your life
6. Share a bit about what you’re doing to heal the roots
7. Humble yourself and share about what you see it’s done to her and to the relationship
8. Tell her you’d like to make amends, and help her heal regardless of the future of the relationship
9. Tell her what you’ve learned about the value of her and the relationship by looking at these truths
10. Tell her you know it’ll take time for her to see any transformation in you, but you hope to have the opportunity (with no pressure or manipulation!)
As you will recall, I asked my client to share his letter with me before delivering.
And it needed work … as yours likely will.
So, find a coach/counselor/mentor who can help you with yours to ensure some of the common errors:
§ Anything that could be taken as “poor me”
§ Any inferences of their responsibility for your VMH aggressions
§ Any implications of “false humility” (i.e., “I was the worst husband ever” … that’s poor me stuff and all about you.
§ Any minimizations of what has occurred
§ Any hint of explanations or justifications
In the outline above, I gave details of sharing 3 to 5 examples of any VMH aggressions.
My client (after some edits) did an excellent job of that, so I will share one of them with you: (in blue)
When you called me to let me know the air conditioner was out again, I began an aggressive interrogation: “How low did you have it set after I left? Did you call the AC people? What do you expect me to do about it from here?”
I never gave you a chance to respond. I was gruff, harsh, and accusatory.
Then later when you called to inform me it was a $700 repair, I accosted you verbally with accusations like: “What was wrong with it? Did you even understand what they said? Did you get a second opinion or just have them fix it?”
By the time I arrived home, I was fine. You were clearly still raw. So, I just acted like everything was fine and suggested we go out to dinner while the house cooled down.
When you said you weren’t hungry, I think I muttered something like, “Well of course you aren’t. You have to turn an AC problem into a big deal.”
I know it wasn’t the AC problem that made you distant. It was two caustic phone calls when you were just trying to keep me in the loop. I took all my frustration out on you and left you there to handle it alone.
You must’ve felt beaten up verbally, and totally alone. And underneath all that … wondering why you hang around.
And ultimately, you decided you wouldn’t do it anymore. Rightfully so.
I went to dinner and left you there, not even offering to bring you anything.
And I certainly took no responsibility for two unnecessary verbal assaults.
Looking back, I wish I’d done what you’ve suggested and for once in my selfish life … calmed myself down.
Then thanked you for letting me know and coming home to handle it. And I wish I’d sent you to the cooled down mall to walk around while the repair was being done.
Straightforward, responsible, and accountable.
He also did an amazing job on this bullet point: “Tell her you’d like to make amends and help her heal regardless of the future of the relationship.”
I’d like to share it with you:
I know another “I’m sorry” would mean nothing.
You’ve heard dozens of those, followed by more of my VMH aggressions.
I’ve learned that true remorse and true regret comes back and takes responsibility. And does whatever it takes to make things right.
At some point I do want to take ownership of what I’ve done to you.
I also want to provide for your healing.
Whether that be counseling, coaching, a workshop, or hopefully some work together.
I’m aware at this point you may have permanently closed the door for “us.”
I understand totally. And my desire to do everything I’ve written above remains the same even if that is the case.
I will provide any means of healing you choose whether that be counseling, coaching, workshops, etc.
I owe that to you because I’m the one who created the hurt and the damage.
I mean this sincerely.
Work on your letter, but don’t send it until you get some unbiased feedback.
Done right, this letter could open opportunities that you otherwise might have never had.
Even when you have the letter exactly as you’d like it … do #3 below before delivering it.
3. Now write the letters you must absorb BEFORE you give your partner your letter.
“Before you deliver the letter, I want you to write two letters and absorb them,” I informed my client.
With an expression of “OH MY! WHAT HAVE I DONE WRONG NOW?” … he said, “No matter how hard it is … I will do it …”
I gave him the assignment I will give you.
But it only applies to those of you who have actually written the letter from point #2 above.
Choose two of the 3 to 5 examples of your VMH aggressions you listed in the letter. Then for each of two you choose:
§ Write the letter to yourself … from her … guessing what she might have written right after your VMH aggressions
§ Write what you think she would have said about what you did, what said
§ Write what you think she’d tell you she was thinking and feeling
§ Write what she actually “should’ve said” if she hadn’t been so beaten down by years of your VMH aggressions
Be real.
Be truthful.
Here is the one (of two) my client wrote as if from her to him after the AC incident:
Here we go again. You go off on me. You make it about me. Somehow my fault! You don’t show up to help. Then after I’ve handled everything, you show up like nothing happened.
I’m sick of it. I’m sick of you. I’m sick of you acting like I’m overly sensitive and you are some sort of godlike ruler. You’re selfish, self-centered, and self-absorbed. The sad part is … I think you know it. I think it’s the way you keep me “in my place.”
Because you know good and well if you didn’t, I’d be gone. I listened to something Jordan Peterson posted on YouTube. You should listen to it. I sent it to you before, but I’m sure you found sports scores more important. Here it is again: https://youtu.be/erNMmTOyrz8?si=VmoBhqVxaJzcwYxv
At some point, I’ll get just as strong as he talks about a strong woman being. And I’ll be gone. You’ll be left in an empty house. Probably willing to do the things I’ve begged you to do for years. Look at your upbringing. Get help. Figure out where your anger comes from.
But it will be too late …
I’ll be gone.
He wept as he read the letter aloud to me.
I, too, could hardly choke back the tears.
He also did an equally powerful job on the second letter.
After discussing both, it was clear that he “got it.”
Unless you truly “get” it with a capital G, capital E, capital T … you’re not ready to send your letter.
When you’re ready … send, hand deliver, or read the letter to the person.
Expect nothing in return.
This is a gift.
We don’t give gifts expecting something in return.
If we do it’s not a gift, it’s a transaction.
If they say nothing, it’s a gift.
If they get upset, it’s still a gift.
If they respond negatively, it’s still a gift.
Give the gift and let go of the outcome.
That’s truly “giving”.
Any good that could possibly come from this will only come if it is a gift.
BELIEVE IN THE GIFT OF GIVING!
*****
I promised an update on my client’s progress.
He completed all assignments.
Wrote wonderful letters.
And delivered his gift.
He had hoped to read it aloud to her, in her presence.
She only allowed him to drop it off on her doorstep.
He did so with a single red rose.
He had hoped for a response.
It came a week later.
A simple text that said: “Thank you for the letter. I can imagine it was very difficult for you to write. It did mean something to me. I need time to process it. Take care of yourself.”
I made the call I promised him I would make.
She will be speaking to me in the next week or two.
I am committed to pointing her to healing she desperately needs and deserves.
I am hoping and believing we can at least restore the relationship to amicability. But I am believing for complete healing and restoration in time.
I am believing for the same for all of you who are humble enough, courageous enough, and determined enough to do the work!
When we change, everything changes.
And when everything changes, everything changes.
“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in another’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?”
Jesus