“I’ve been reading what you’re writing about proximity.”
Then she whispered, almost as if her family could hear.
“I’m fairly sure it’s poison in our home.
Laden with landmines and covered in eggshells.”
I could hear the exhaustion and despair in her voice.
And the tear that escaped her eye confirmed my thoughts.
It wasn’t anger.
Or bitterness.
Just pure sadness.
Because she loved her family deeply.
But somewhere along the way, the atmosphere in their home had quietly changed.
(Take time to think. About your contribution in your home. I know we hear this ad nauseum … but it’s the only truth that we and we alone can make come true … what needs to change about you?)
In their house …
Respect had turned to reactivity.
Longsuffering had become short tempers.
Emotional connection had transitioned into emotional guards.
And the saddest part?
No one meant for it to happen. No one even realized it was happening
until the atmosphere was toxic.
That’s one of the most heartbreaking things about unresolved trauma:
Most people who pour out poison … were poisoned first.
I’ve been writing recently about how proximity is either power or poison — and how the people around us shape us profoundly.
But this week, I want to talk about that proximity inside our homes.
Because the emotional atmosphere inside a marriage, a family, even a single conversation, doesn’t just affect us emotionally.
It affects us …
Neurologically.
Physically.
Relationally.
Spiritually.
The Cleveland Clinic describes it this way:
“Emotional contagion is a phenomenon where your emotions or behaviors unconsciously mirror the emotions and behaviors of other people.”
Our nervous systems constantly respond to the emotional states, facial expressions, tones, and behaviors of the people closest to us.
Stated more directly: The atmosphere around us becomes the atmosphere within us.
Children absorb it.
Marriages absorb it.
Families absorb it.
I’d like to share something a little difficult to take in. Please hear my heart.
There’s no judgment in this.
But I’d do a disservice not to name it:
We as trauma survivors often recreate the emotional atmospheres we survived — and we don’t even realize it.
Not because we’re bad people. But because unresolved pain eventually leaks into proximity. And even more so “at home,” where we let down and let loose.
Only you/me/we KNOW what’s not working in and for our relationships.
Accepting status quo (or that’s just who I am) makes dysfunction our “normal”.
That unresolved pain leaks out in words.
In tones.
In reactions.
Which eventually poisons the emotional culture of the home.
Again — hear my heart. Unless we become intentional, what wounded us can quietly become what wounds others.
None of us wants that.
That realization can feel heavy. But instead of carrying heaviness, let’s allow it to create transformation.
Our homes can heal too.
And remember, powerful proximity …
a home,
a marriage,
a family overflowing with love, kindness, and respect —
begins with awareness.
Here’s a real simple action to start with … and it’s an old proverb …
“Soft answers turn anger away.”
Scare them with kindness!
1. The Words and Tones We Use Shape Our Nervous Systems
Most people think communication is mainly about words.
It isn’t.
It’s also about tone.
Facial expression.
Energy.
Emotional regulation.
Two people can say the exact same sentence and create completely different emotional experiences.
For example: “C’mon over here.” Or… “Come here!”
One feels safe. One feels threatening.
Harsh tones, chronic criticism, emotional volatility, and unpredictable reactions activate the body’s stress response system. That creates emotional tidal waves.
Cortisol rises.
Hypervigilance increases.
Defensiveness grows.
(Take time to think … That kind of emotional poison will eventually reap one of two results. People will numb out and ignore us. Or they’ll leave us.)
If this becomes a pattern over time,
people can’t relax around us.
This is especially true for children.
Children’s nervous systems are extraordinarily sensitive to emotional tone. They don’t just hear our words. They absorb our emotional states. (And so do our spouses.)
And honestly?
Many trauma survivors never had the opportunity to learn what calm, emotionally safe communication even looked like.
So many of us grew up around:
- Yelling
- Sarcasm
- Criticism
- Shaming
- Emotional shutdown
- Constant tension
Then we unconsciously recreate those patterns as adults. Not intentionally. Automatically.
But healing changes that.
As we heal, we begin realizing:
The people we love should not have to recover from our presence.
What if our homes were places where people could exhale?
What if our words created safety instead of anxiety?
What if our tones communicated:
“You matter.”
“You’re safe here.”
“I’m here for you.”
I know that’s what we all want.
Gentleness is not weakness or us giving up.
It’s natural medication for the nervous system.
The only side effect?
Happy homes.
2. Love and Kindness Change the Emotional Climate of a Home
One of the greatest misconceptions about love is believing people automatically know they’re loved.
Sometimes they don’t.
Often, they don’t.
Not because love isn’t there… but because it isn’t consistently expressed.
(And when it is expressed, it’s often in minimal ways compared to the chaos and harshness.)
Trauma often causes people to become emotionally self-protective. So, we get busy trying to survive.
Busy managing our stress.
Calming, or at least containing, our anxiety.
Doing our best to hold everything together.
Without meaning to… all the warmth slowly disappears.
Affection decreases.
Kindness becomes inconsistent.
And those on the receiving end of this unpredictability do what they need to and join in on the reactionary civil war.
And then presence gets replaced by …
social media,
cell phones,
and other screens.
Relationships become void of life-giving connection.
My friends Drs. John and Julie Gottman discovered that thriving marriages consistently maintain significantly more positive interactions than negative ones — specifically, five or more positive interactions for every negative one.
Inside our homes, the small moments matter.
It doesn’t take much to change proximity poison to proximity power:
- A smile
- A soft touch
- A warm greeting
- A thoughtful text
- A gentle response
- A moment of attentiveness
Love is not merely felt in our hearts.
It’s felt in the atmosphere.
Or not.
Children especially experience love through emotional accessibility. They don’t need perfection, expensive vacations, or constant activity and entertainment.
What do they need?
Our presence.
Our warmth.
Our attunement.
Our safety.
Kindness changes more than just our emotions. It changes the amount of predictability.
Loving connection increases …
oxytocin production,
lowers stress hormones,
improves emotional regulation and even strengthens immune functioning.
Think about that.
Kindness literally helps heal bodies and brains.
The proximity of poison changes people. To their detriment.
Tragedy is … poison starts to seem normal and eventually creates with it,
a mental heaviness that seems like too much to face. That’s a living death.
BUT … the proximity of love changes people.
For their greatest good.
“Pleasant words are like a honeycomb,
sweetness to the soul and health to the bones.”
King Solomon
3. Every Home Has a Culture
We hear a lot about “culture” in the business world.Every home develops a culture as well.
If we’re intentional about it, we can create a culture of powerful proximity.
If we ignore it, we may end up with a poisonous one.
Some homes feel …
peaceful,
warm,
safe,
encouraging,
life-giving.
Others feel …
critical,
chaotic,
cold,
tense,
unpredictable.
The culture of our homes shapes everyone living inside it. Especially the children.
Children don’t just listen to the culture of a home. They absorb it.
Then as they become their own decision makers? They become it.
It’s there that a child’s worldview is rooted by:
- How conflict is handled
- How emotions are expressed
- How people treat one another
- What love is
- What love feels like
- What relationships are supposed to look like
Unless healing interrupts the unhealthy cycles, those emotional cultures often get passed from generation to generation.
But here’s the beautiful news: a healthy culture can be created intentionally.
Some qualities of a healthy home culture:
- Love
- Respect
- Emotional safety
- Accountability
- Repair efforts after conflict
- Kindness
- Laughter
- Encouragement
- Empathy
- Growth
- Grace
Not perfection.
Just intentionality bent towards … healing. This is certainly not an exhaustive list — but it’s a great starting point.
People in healthy homes still get hurt sometimes. They still disagree.
They still struggle.
But the atmosphere keeps pulling everyone back toward connection instead of fear.
That’s powerful proximity.
And honestly?
It changes lives.
And futures.
Dramatically.
*****
Please hear my heart in this: None of this is about judgment or condemnation. It’s about becoming aware and intentional.
Many people are pouring out emotional poison because poison was poured into them first.
Not because they’re bad people.
Not because they don’t love those in their home.
But trauma does not have to become the permanent atmosphere of our homes.
Healing can — and will — interrupt that cycle.
You can create emotional safety.
You can create peace.
You can shift the culture of your home.
You can become the person who changes the emotional legacy of your family.
Begin with small things…
-Quieten your tone.
-Repair quickly.
-Speak life intentionally.
-Create moments of connection.
-Regulate before reacting.
-Let kindness become normal.
When we grow up with a jaded or violated sense of intimacy … sharing the things we longed for then and didn’t get with those we love now, can be uncomfortable.
We’d rather stay to ourselves … thank you very much.
Maybe that’s what Jesus meant when He said if you lose your life (your comfortable isolation) you’ll find a new way to do life.
Maybe He was saying if we wade into those uncomfortable waters where intimacy feels foreign, we’ll discover how to be it … for life!
Because proximity is never neutral.
It is either powerful or poisonous.
The people closest to us are living inside the atmosphere we create every day. I know you desire to give them your best … to create an atmosphere where they can thrive.
So don’t let unresolved trauma establish a culture of poison in your proximity.
Create an atmosphere so filled with …
safety,
kindness,
peace,
growth,
and love…
that everyone around you begins healing simply because they’re near you.