The wife of my client began the session with: “I never thought that I’d be able to forgive him for what he did. I mean … I believe in forgiveness, and I know it’s important. I just didn’t think it was humanly possible for me.”
After doing great work on all the steps I’d given thus far, they came in together to address forgiveness and their path forward.
“Well … I certainly don’t deserve to be forgiven,” the husband readily admitted. “I’m so honored that you are here to at least hear about the process,” he said with admirable compassion.
“And I’m totally willing to do whatever it takes to move us forward in a positive direction!” he promised.
“I guess it’s been like that Beatles’ song that says it’s a long and winding road … that leads me to your door,” his wife commented. “I never thought we would even get to this point.”
He chuckled and added:
“I was thinking more about the Rascal Flatts song …
Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart, they were like Northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road that led me straight to you.”
He paused and then continued.
“I know that’s true for me … but I was thinking that you must be thinking that God’s blessing hasn’t seemed to be on this for you …” he said as his voice broke.
She reached out and took his hand and gently said: “There was a time when I did think that. But I’m praying this Broken Road is bringing us back together again!”
I smiled as I experienced the joy of their renewed warmth.
Indeed, it was time for the forgiveness journey to begin.
“Here’s what I know,” I complemented, “You’ve both done the hard work, you’ve both been consistent with it. And you deserve the beautiful and rich relationship that I see blooming before me. So, let’s give it the best chance by embarking on the forgiveness journey.”
If you’ve been following along weekly, and investing time and energy into the steps … I feel quite certain that you see something in bloom. But it’s not time to lay it down, leave it behind, and act as if nothing happened.
-It’s time to take it across the finish line, which in actuality is a new beginning.
-But to cross the finish line, the forgiveness journey must begin.
It’s not easy … it’s not a quick moment … but it’s like watching a garland of roses being pulled from the ashes, vining their way up and around the lattice.
There’s nothing else quite like it.
ALL the steps given over the past few weeks MUST be followed.
There is no foundation for forgiveness without it.
If for any reason you found yourself stalled out or stuck on any of the steps.
Go back and work through each step again.
It’s perfectly acceptable if it takes a few trips through them.
And the investment produces exponential returns!
If you need additional resources or a bit of encouragement, send me an email and I would be happy to provide both. (Send me an email at DrNeecie@DrNeecie.com).
Let’s begin pulling that garland of roses from the ashes!
As the lyric says …
He sent me to give them
garlands of roses
in place of their sorrow,
olive oil in place of tears,
and joyous praise
in place of broken hearts.
- Being specific in what you are asking for forgiveness for.
Forgiveness for being broken is a journey.
I mentioned in the beginning of this series on “Fixing What’s Been Broken” that it’s very important for the one who’s been broken to make the decision early in the healing process to forgive.
Not based on it being something you are doing for the one who’s broken something …
Not based on whether they deserve forgiveness …
But based on refusing to be held captive by unforgiveness.
(Whether or not they do the healing process with you.)
The research about the results or the consequences of unforgiveness are jarring:
- Increasing the risk of depression
- Increasing likelihood of heart disease
- Increasing chances of diabetes
- Exacerbating emotional turmoil
- Driving up anxiety levels
- Multiplying struggles with depression
- Plummeting the effectiveness of the immune system
The researched benefits of forgiveness are equally powerful in a positive direction:
- Lowering the risk of heart attack
- Improving cholesterol levels
- Increasing quality of sleep
- Reducing pain
- Improving blood pressure
- Alleviating anxiety
- Decreasing depression
- Lessening stress responses
And there are many more …
But let’s get started …
“I learned about forgiveness as a little girl, and I’ve always tried to live that way. However, I don’t think I’d ever expected to have to figure it out from a place of brokenness,” the wife shared.
“Most of us don’t,” I validated. “That’s why I’m here to help both of you walk through this.”
I looked at the husband who appeared a bit restless and nervous, and asked: “Are you ready? You must come at this from a place of compassion and humility, or it’s just another exercise in defeat!”
“I’m ready to do whatever you say that I need to do!” he responded with determination.
Let’s begin here.
Begin by stating that you would like to ask for forgiveness. But you must be very specific about what you’re asking for forgiveness from. To generalize it is to diminish their experience and brokenness.
The husband began very thoughtfully, and I will share with you the beginning of a conversation that continued for about 15 to 20 minutes. His experience was a beautiful example of the process done thoroughly and appropriately.
“I would like to ask your forgiveness for ever allowing my cell phone, my computer, and my online life to be something that interfered with our marriage.”
“I ask your forgiveness for allowing myself to be sucked in foolishly to the message about buying lingerie online for my loved one.”
“I ask your forgiveness for not ending the conversation immediately when I knew there was more involved.”
“I ask your forgiveness allowing that conversation to lure me unto sexting.”
“I ask your forgiveness for lying to you when you questioned my online activity.”
“I ask your forgiveness for carrying it on while being in the same room with you.”
“I ask your forgiveness for insinuating there’s something wrong with you and saying you were mentally ill for questioning me.”
I think you can see by the examples what I mean by being specific.
-You must understand that (generalities) show that you don’t (get) how they’ve been broken.
-And/or don’t care enough to get out of your comfort zone to turn it to a powerful healing opportunity.
“When apologizing, be specific about what you’re asking for forgiveness for. Vague apologies like ‘I’m sorry for anything I did’ are not as effective as clearly stating the offense. Express your remorse in a sincere and heartfelt way, using language that conveys your genuine regret.”
Dr. Estrella
- After completing the list, it’s quite important to ask if you have missed things that she hoped you’d ask forgiveness for.
After completing the list, it’s quite important to ask if you’ve missed things that they hoped you would ask forgiveness for. It’s not only okay to ask, but it’s imperative.
“Are there things that I have left out that you need to hear from me?” the husband asked tenderly and sincerely.
Through tears and gratitude, she said, “Not that I can think of right now…”
She was clearly grateful and very emotional.
With no prompting, he immediately added: “If you think of additional things, I hope you will bring them to my attention.”
She nodded with gratitude.
It’s such an emotional experience that moving back into the (data center) of the brain is a dramatic shift in the moment.
I instructed her: “If things come up, keep a list … then share them with him.”
I turned to him with further instruction.
“Acknowledge the list and thank her for it. Then take your time to formulate your words and prepare your heart. Then set a time to go over them with her.”
It was clear that we had made great progress.
I call this part of the journey a ‘sacred moment’.
Because the one who has broken something has poured out their sincere remorse, and the one who has been broken has received words that are like a warm healing balm.
Yet the one who has broken something is clearly sending a message that this is not a ‘one and done’ situation. I am in this for the long haul. I am in it until the healing is complete.
Nothing could be more bonding and reconciliatory!
- Ask what is needed for forgiveness and restitution.
With no pressure to forgive, make this request of your partner:
“I know you may not be in a place to forgive yet, but can you tell me what you need from me, what you need to hear from me (or to stop hearing from me)? What you need to see me do (or stop doing)? Whatever it is you need from me to be able to grant forgiveness?”
Again … with no pressure, no timeline.
Then zip your lips and allow them to process and respond.
I could see the wife was processing after he asked the question.
I put my hand before him like a stop sign so that he would wait patiently.
“The things I’m thinking of sound petty,” she said quietly.
“Nothing is too petty if it will help move us toward forgiveness,” he said softly and gently.
She began slowly …
“Well … it would help me if you’d keep your cell phone out of sight when we are together. It’s still a trigger for me.”
He nodded with compassion. But I put my finger up to my lips to indicate for him to stay silent and wait.
After a moment, she continued.
“And if you need to use your computer while watching TV, could you please sit on the sofa … so that your screen is not facing the wall. At least it would make me feel less like you had something to hide.”
He nodded again in a sincerely affirming way.
As she processed this time, a tear leaked out.
“When I need reassurance … could you give it to me in the same spirit you are here with me right now?”
Again, a clearly regretful, but reassuring nod from him.
She had a few more similar things, and he agreed to all of them.
Then I had him follow up with (as I want you to do also) … “Please bring any additional things that come to mind to me.”
“I will,” She responded kindly.
I turned to him with a stern admonishment (and I am looking into your eyes with this too!) “Do the things requested consistently and with a great attitude.”
“I get it! He commented. I know I’ve been guilty of doing these things with a pissy attitude, like I’m irritated that I have to. And yet I’m the very one who caused the need for them,” he admitted.
“That will stop, and sincere willingness starts right here … right now!”
Her sincere smile affirmed that was what she needed to hear.
That’s all the steps for forgiveness to begin, but these are absolute MUST’s for follow up:
- Check back regularly (1- 2x weekly) for things that you failed to ask forgiveness for that are important to them.
- Deliver what’s been asked for consistently and lovingly.
- Invite them to let you know when they feel like they are ready to completely forgive. But do not ask impatiently or with any pressure whatsoever…
These steps are so critical to invite deep forgiveness, and to honor one another in the process!
This is effective, not just in marriages, but in all relationships.
We are willing to invest hours and hours daily into social media, news, weather, and sports, and other things much less important than our marriage.
I hope you will find your marriage valuable enough to make these great investments.
Remember, they will not only heal what’s broken, but they will make you a better human being for doing so!
Next week I’ll begin addressing new beginnings to keep the healing going and build a better marriage than you’ve ever dreamed of.
Until then … I am forever hopeful for your healing if you’ve been broken. And forever hopeful for you reestablishing your trustworthiness if you’ve broken something or someone. And forever hopeful for your marriage!