“I know I can’t go back and redo my childhood, but can I still get to a healthy attachment style?” my client pleaded
“You certainly can! I am inserting this piece this week before I talk about the healing process for the 3 unhealthy attachment styles …” I assured him.
“I’m sure there’s many of us that would like to crawl into the ‘Back to the Future Mobile’ and change things in our childhood!” I affirmed.
“But there’s healing work that we can do that actually almost accomplishes that very thing in our brains,” I said … sharing my hope!
“I guess that’s the other thing…I wish I’d known all these things as a parent. I think my wife gave our kids every opportunity to have healthy attachment styles, but I’m sure my very presence put a damper on that,” my client confessed.
“Although we can’t go back and parent our children again, it’s not too late to share things with them that can promote a healthy attachment style in them,” I commented.
“That’s all the motivation that I need to get this right!” my client proclaimed.
I shared with him as I want to share with you…100% of us have the capability and opportunity to develop a healthy attachment style.
I love the audience that I have the privilege of writing to.
I’ve been known for years for providing people with information, guidelines, and step-by-step tactics to become the best version of themselves.
Because I hear from so many of you, I know that you take these opportunities seriously.
People send me videos of printouts of my blogs that’re highlighted, pages turned down, things circled…
That’s what keeps me writing and sharing…and learning more in order to keep developing new strategies and techniques.
I just can’t imagine anyone who’s reading these things and seeing themselves in them…who would push it aside and refuse to roll up their sleeves and get the healing they so deserve.
Each week as I send out new information, I say a prayer that the people who need and desire these things would somehow happen upon them. And that they would have the strength and courage to walk through all the steps.
I know those prayers get heard and answered from the stories that I receive. But I continue to pray that they reach even more people! (Would you join me on that mission by sharing with others?)
The first step to any change is deciding.
It’s never easy to say to yourself, “I’m not in a good place, but I don’t know how to change it, but I’m willing to listen outside of me and allow the truth I need to find me.”
That takes courage. But that kind of courage always brings the admiration of those you love who really love you.
So, before we begin the healing process, let’s look at the lives of people with healthy attachment styles.
What things in their childhood set them up for healthy attachment?
This is important because even though we may be adults, replicating some of these things or creating them, are actually great adjuncts to the healing process.
“Well, this should be interesting. And I’m willing to bet that NONE of these existed in our house growing up!” my client mused.
“Interesting indeed. One thing I’ve noted through the years is that people who grew up in healthy environments call their childhood residence a ‘home’. Those who grew up in less-than-ideal environments call it a ‘house’ or ‘apartment’ … anything but ‘home’!” I shared.
Overall, in these ‘homes’ there’s a sense of safety and protection in the environment, with the purpose of the child’s well-being being a primary factor.
When our individuality is not affirmed and mentored, our trust is up for grabs.
Here are some of the things that parents and caregivers provide and do that create healthy attachment styles:
They are very present with their children
They respond appropriately to the needs of their children, and provide some of their wants
They often tell stories to their kids, read to them and sing to them
They nurture with eye contact, physical touch, gentle tones, and positive speech
They expose the child to healthy social connection
They promote healthy intellectual development
They display trust in ways that are age-appropriate for the child
They promote independence at appropriate milestones of development
The home is characterized by kindness, respect, and empathy, fostering emotional intelligence.
These children grow up with healthy natural inclinations toward respect, integrity, and resiliency.
They are typically good communicators and have skills that allow them to regulate themselves emotionally.
Here are some of their characteristics as adults:
They feel and experience a wide range of emotions without acting them out or stuffing them. They can communicate them without intensity
They are comfortable sharing their vulnerabilities and provide a safe space for others to share theirs (without judging them)
They communicate openly and honestly, and are typically excellent listeners
They naturally avoid interrupting, explaining, denying or making excuses
They have healthy boundaries, allowing themselves to say ‘no’ and to accept ‘no’s’ from others with a good attitude
They’re generally trusting, but do not ignore red flags
They’re reliable and responsible
They’re not prone to addiction
They’re emotionally available and value connection
They have a strong sense of self, validating their worth outside of external approval
They give and receive love freely
They have healthy coping skills
Certainly, these are all things most of us aspire to.
Seeking healing for any unhealthy attachment styles makes this possible for all of us.
“Wow, so much of that is exactly who I’ve struggled to become!” my client said with amazement.
“No time like the present!” I assured him.
Again, if you see yourself in these truths, it’s not your fault. And you can change it! When you do change … your whole world changes.
Everything changes when everything changes.
What the professional, financial, and educational lives look like when there’s healthy attachment.
“Although I’ve been blessed in my profession, and as a result…we’ve done well financially…I’ve always had the feelings that I had to work harder for it than my colleagues did,” my client shared sadly.
He paused and asked curiously, “Could that be because of my unhealthy attachment styles?”
“Indeed!” I responded. “Let’s take a look at what research tells us about the lives of people with healthy attachment styles.”
Dr. Sroufe at the University of Minnesota studied attachment development over a 30-year timeframe. There were two major discoveries about adults with healthy attachment styles.
One was that healthy attachment made the possibilities of social confidence significantly more likely.
The other was that they were far more successful academically and professionally.
Other studies have shown that healthy attachment created professional adults who were better able to focus, persevere, and regulate their emotions.
Making them much more successful academically, AND in their careers.
These adults were also more likely to have greater…
-Emotional intelligence…
-Self-confidence…
-And resiliency.
ALL of these were evidenced in their leadership status.
Research by Hazan and Shaver (pioneers in attachment theory) found that those with healthy attachment styles were much more likely to be satisfied with their professional life, and far more productive than other others without healthy attachment styles.
Other studies regarding healthy attachment and finances indicated:
These adults were much less likely to experience financial distress.
They had better impulse control when it came to finances.
They were better with saving, investing, and avoiding debt.
These adults with healthy attachment styles were also much more likely to find work that fulfilled their need for purpose.
In addition, they were highly successful in their fields.
They also had significantly more influence than adults with troubled attachment styles.
I’m certainly not sharing this information to make you feel badly.
I believe (like you) that seeing and knowing what to change about or in us, is the door to every hope!
And only hope can create the evolution of lasting change once it’s pursued!
I am hoping you will be as inspired as I was to continue working on a healthy attachment style.
Ongoing research shows that as attachment style becomes healthier…
-Professional status…
-Accomplishments…
-And fulfillment grow alongside it.
And of course…financial gain is a natural outcome of all those things.
“As I said, I’ve been blessed professionally and financially…but the more I understand about healthy attachment styles, I can see how the journey is much easier with a healthy attachment style!” my client stated and continued.
“I’m ready for the healing to begin… And I will do my part!”
Those kinds of commitments are music to my ears, but more importantly, great factors in healthy fulfillment and great influence!
You don’t have to know how to begin because it’s the journey that creates all the knowing we’ll need to change.
What relationships look like for people with a healthy attachment style.
“I have to admit that my marriage has been pretty good, because my wife had mostly healthy attachments from her childhood, but she has also worked hard on this for the sake of our marriage, and the sake of our children,” my client said with concern.
“But I’m sure the truth is, our marriage has been hard for her … because of my crazy attachment styles,” he said with his head bowed in regret.
“I’ll do the work to heal my attachment style, but I’m also hoping you can help me make it right with her,” he said, with a tender longing in his voice.
I nodded empathetically and assured him that their best days of marriage were yet to come.
Let’s look at what you have in front of you to look forward to when you develop a healthy attachment style.
First of all, some general things occur in marriage and relationships where there is healthy attachment.
These marriages are much more emotionally fulfilling to both parties.
When there are challenges, their resiliency allows them to bounce back to a foundation of love and trust.
These relationships are built on trust and attunement.
What is attunement?
Being fully present with your partner.
Being focused on their needs and desires.
Being safe for them to share their vulnerabilities, their disappointments, their needs, their desires, and their dreams.
Being able to set aside all distractions to be completely authentic with them.
Connecting at a deep level.
Unhealthy attachment styles wreak havoc in any of those efforts.
Here are some of the key components that make these relationships so valuable:
When one is stressed, the other comes alongside them to support them and to pull resources together.
The same is true when the other is stressed.
They are dedicated to creating a strong emotional bond that is like a moat around their relationship, protecting it from invasion by external stressors.
They are dedicated to conflict resolution with openness and honesty. Addressing difficult situations with empathy and willingness to compromise.
They can count on comfort and encouragement from one another, knowing that the other will always be emotionally available and responsive to their needs.
Both are dedicated to creating a safe “sacred” space between them, where they can be vulnerable, share feelings, honestly, and know the other has their back and will not judge or leave them.
They take time to share goals and values, and work together on how they can help, or at least support the other. And work as a team as often as possible.
They share physical affection regularly…sexual intimacy, snuggling, holding hands, caressing, hugging, kissing, etc.
Both have given up the need or desire to be right, and they listen and empathize with each other without defending, denying, or deflecting.
Both are committed to their own personal growth, to the growth of the other, and to the growth of the relationship.
All of this should not make it surprising that they have about a 69% less risk of divorce.
Let’s be honest, isn’t this the kind of relationship we’d all love to have?
“I want that, but more importantly…my wife deserves it! I believe if I could become even half of that, she would think she’d won the relationship lottery!” my client said in jest.
But I knew he meant it, and I’m willing to bet you feel the same way.
No matter how difficult things are or what condition they are in, this is 100% possible for 100% of us!
My question to you is this… “Are you in?”
I know you are!
And over the next few weeks I’ll be sharing how to heal unhealthy attachment styles, and move toward this way of living so that you can enjoy that kinds of relationship!
***
Regardless of where you are in your attachment style, and any attachment wounds that may be fueling it … there is possibility for healing and improving your attachment style.
As I begin addressing the healing process over the coming weeks … I want to assure you that you can and will see great results.
First by assessing yourself.
Secondly by engaging in the healing steps I will lay out.
And finally, by allowing yourself to relate to others differently!
Don’t allow any sense of overwhelm to detour your resolve.
Hope is not a burden; it’s a call to trust in the evolution of change it promises.
“Your attachment patterns and beliefs impact how you show up for yourself and others. They can impact your ability to stay consistent in your self-care, your daily routines, your ability to accomplish work goals, family relationships and within your most intimate relationships. There are lots of ways to tackle this type of healing that can improve all of your relationships and enrich your quality of life.”
