“I just don’t get the ‘big deal’ about who I hang out with. I mean … they’re all guys, and just because we don’t believe the same things or act the same way doesn’t mean anything?!” my client stated with complete disgust.
I’m no stranger to this conversation. I hear it from spouses, adolescents and parents, employees and employers … and the list goes on.
The truth is … who we “hang” with, who we spent time with (and around), and time spent on media … ALL have a major impact on our lives.
(It’s as the ancient Proverb declares, “Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm.”)
We’d all like to think that we’re in complete control of who and what we become — with our…
Vision boards…
Intentions…
Routines…
And daily disciplines.
But here’s the truth.
Who and what we spend time with (and around) shapes who we are and our destinies more than anything else!
(From my AA friend. “You hear this a lot in meetings; avoid the people, places, things that trigger every reason to use. That takes just 2 attitudes: courage and rigorous honesty. But it’s the ONLY path to real change and recovery. My drinking friends were just that, drinking friends. And when a friend is connected to the one problem that causes all the rest, it’s time to change cultures.”)
Research has revealed that the people — and even the media, social media, and content — we’re surrounded with and by … literally wires our brains.
Just like if we marinate a steak in lemon pepper sauce, we cannot expect it to taste like teriyaki!
The places, people, and media we spend time with are marinating us.
They all join together and determine…
Our habits…
Our progress (or lack of)…
Our confidence (or lack of)…
Out creativity…
Even our success.
I shared with my client:
“Connections are King in determining…
The quality of our lives…
The direction of our lives, and ultimately…
Our fulfillment in life (or lack thereof) if we don’t
take charge and make wise choices.”
“Here we go …” my client commented.
I’d worked with him on some of his trauma a few years before.
He’d been following my series on growth mindset.
So, he was no stranger to me going into “in your face mode” … but
Always with lots of respect and compassion.
“Yes! Here we go! If you want to continue growing and becoming your best … this is a VERY IMPORTANT topic!”
And so it is with you, my friend!
Let’s look at connection.
We will break it all down: how we connect, who and what we connect with, and the ideal kinds of connections that will help us thrive and become our VERY BEST version of ourselves!
1. How We Connect: Wired from Conception
From the moment we’re conceived, our brains begin mapping out our ideas about love, trust, and safety.
That all happens…by the second trimester.
In the field of neuropsychology, we call this neuro process…attachment.
It’s not just about feelings and theories.
It’s a reality of how our brains were programmed.
And me/you/we had zero to do with it.
As a baby, our early experiences in the womb begin the wiring and programming for connection.
By the second trimester, our brains already have billions of neuro connections.
Those connections, taken from cues from our mother’s body, begin the programming through hormones, heart rate, neurotransmitters, and chemistry in the placenta.
It continues after birth.
A mom or dad who soothes and responds to us consistently programs the brain to believe that connection is safe.
If one or both parents are emotionally distant or unpredictable, that programs the brain to believe that connection is unpredictable.
It also wires our alarm to sound (from the amygdala) any time connection is attempted.
(From my AA friend. “The rooms of AA are full of ego maniacs with inferiority complexes, wired to struggle for one thing: a healthy sense of intimacy. Intimacy is how we all respond to life. Drinking is a mockery of that pursuit that we needed because it feels like a solution to us being funnier, more interesting, more articulate as we drown inadequate self, propping up our false inflated pre-wired ego.”)
If there is anger, intensity, conflict, or chaos in the home,
it programs us to believe that connection is dangerous.
It wires us to withdraw and isolate. Or to overperform.
These patterns quietly shape how we love, work, and even lead as adults.
For instance, someone who grew up needing to “earn” attention might become the over-achiever who finds connection through performance.
Studies conducted at the Harvard Center on the Developing Child found that when parents or caregivers respond consistently to the baby’s and toddler’s needs … their neural circuits associated with empathy, emotional regulation, and connection are strengthened.
In homes where that’s not the case, the baby’s / toddler’s / child’s mind is wired for lack of empathy, emotional dysregulation, and / or lack of connection.
Thanks to neuroplasticity …
Our brains being plastic (or moldable) …
We can change the good (and make it better) …
The bad (get rid of it) …
And the ugly (remold it to something beautiful) … when it comes to how we connect.
As the Gottman’s (the most prolific researchers on human relationships in the history of marriage and family research) say:
“In our humanity we need loving connection with others for our very survival – after all, biologically, we’re pack animals who subsist through belonging to our pack. We need each other. We depend on each other.”
Until we decide on a growth mindset, and program it for connections (that are safe and healthy) … we will simply never have the wonderful experience of a healing partnership.
What is a healing partnership?
Two people who are…
-Fully committed to their relationship…
-Their own personal growth & development…
-And the personal growth & development of their partner.
They come alongside one another with a stance of zero negativity, full accountability … committed to noting the impact of their words, behavior, and decisions on the other person, and on the relationship.
They’re present with one another and invest daily in the relationship.
2. Who (and What) We Connect With Goes Viral In Our Brains
“Now that we understand where the way we connect comes from and how it works in our brain, let’s take it a level deeper … The people around us either pull or propel us forward or quietly push us or drag us down,” I informed my client.”
I continuedo, “Now we can get down to the question you asked when you first came in last week … ‘Is who you hang out with a big deal?’”
I hope you will tune into this.
It may or may not surprise you.
But I hope you will allow it to direct your path forward.
Psychological research has made it very clear … what we take in and who we hang around — is contagious!
Several years ago, the Harvard Business School and Northwestern University joined forces to conduct a study that had a profound effect on many, including ME!
They found that employees stationed next to other employees who were low performers experienced a 30–40% drop in their own productivity! OUCH!
Understand, there was no conversation about productivity or work ethic. They simply performed their work within proximity.
But it worked the other way too … while sitting near high performers, the low performers increased output 30-40%!
Why?
Because of our mirroring neurons that imitate, all outside our consciousness or awareness.
These neurons are the brain cells that mimic what we observe and replicate … not just behavior, but also mimic tone, pace, and effort.
You might find yourself hoping this was a fluke … NOT SO!
Studies conducted at the University of California revealed that spending time with people who are optimistic and emotionally stable improves not only your mood but it also elevates your immune function.
They called this “mood contagion.”
The famous Framingham Heart Study included 12,000 people.
They discovered that spending time around happy, optimistic people actually sparks an increase in our own happiness by 25%.
Sadly, the reverse is also true.
People who live in chronic negativity and cynicism are equally (or sometimes more) viral.
Workforce teams who were exposed to just one consistently negative team member saw collaboration scores and creativity metrics collapse within weeks.
Here’s the truth — we sync with the people around us.
Whether we intend or desire to or not.
And it’s not just people.
The “what” we connect with matters too:
The media…
The conversations…
The content we interact with daily.
In today’s world where “real” connection (with a real human, face to face) can be scary … many resort to “lesser” connections … to devices and “things.”
90% of us (b/c of unhealed trauma) have a skewed sense of healthy intimacy.
So, we stay to ourselves staring at a screen avoiding any sense of having to share feelings that stretch us towards sharing or connecting with intimate emotions that feel foreign.
Devices create a sort of passive connection — hours of scrolling, streaming, or doom-scrolling the news — all activate the brain’s mesolimbic dopamine pathway (the reward system).
Yes, you get a quick “hit” — a ping of pleasure.
However, there’s no engagement of the prefrontal cortex (PFC – Pretty Fine Communicator), that helps you learn good patterns, create ways to connect with long term reward, or do any long-term planning about becoming your best.
What does all of that mean?
That means your brain is saying: “This feels good,” but it’s not actually doing anything for me.
No growth, no becoming your best, no fulfillment.
Just little pings and dings about things.
In neuroscience, we call this the reward-without-growth loop — the more we engage in it, the more we crave stimulation.
However, the pings become less pleasurable and come less frequently.
But it doesn’t stop there.
If we continue in the reward-without-growth loop … the less reward we’ll feel from real meaningful experiences like…
-Reading…
-Creating something…
-Deep conversation…
-Or real connection.
After sharing all this research and data, I looked at my client and invited him to answer his own question.
He tucked his head in shame for a moment, and I waited.
He glanced up with a grin and said, “If I choose to hang out with losers, I shouldn’t be surprised that my annual review was an all-time low, and my marriage is on the rocks.”
I nodded.
I could see he “got it.”
I hope you “get it” too!
A friend I know never allowed his children to go on spring break with other school friends. This is why, “I trust you, but I don’t trust all the other family influences you will most likely be exposed to … that could be unpredictable and therefore unsafe.”
Who you hang out with, and what you consume … both act as invisible algorithms running your mental, emotional, intellectual, financial, and spiritual operating systems.
Input determines output.
3. Our “Ideal” Connections: Wiring Ourselves for Growth
If connection shapes us this deeply, we should ask ourselves some very crucial and critical questions:
· What kind of connections set us up to be our best selves?
· To meet and surpass our potential?
· And to love like we’ve never been hurt?
Research reveals that these are the types of connections that set us up for ultimate fulfillment and an abundant life:
· Growth-Oriented Relationships – Choosing to spend our time with people who challenge us respectfully with firm kindness and no criticism. Studies show that this expands our neural capacity.
Stanford University psychologist, Carol Dweck, conducted profound research on mindset. She found that being around individuals who value effort, curiosity, and growth literally change how our brains process failure. We have significantly greater resilience, and we create and strategize more freely.
· Emotionally Safe Relationships – An 80-year study on “Adult Development” at Harvard revealed that EMOTIONAL WARMTH (not wealth, not status, not fame) was the single greatest predictor of lifelong health and happiness.
It helped us understand that feeling safe in relationships lowers cortisol, boosts cellular repair, and enhances brain resilience.
· Purpose-Driven and Value-Aligned Associations
Associating with communities that focus on learning, helping, or creating meaning … activates the brain’s oxytocin loop. Oxytocin is what strengthens feelings of love, trust, belonging.
Whether that’s a faith group, volunteer work, or support group — shared purpose propels and boosts neurochemical well-being.
Meaning less depression and anxiety.
More feelings of warmth, safety, and fulfillment.
· Digital Fasts, Followed by Digital Diets That Nourish Our Growth
We now have the ability to curate our tech-feeds like we’d curate our meals. Maybe we should start with a cleansing fast (no media for 3 days, 10 days, or even a month).
Then limit content, and spend time in feeds, podcasts, and viewings that actually teach, uplift, or inspire you to grow. Your ADD/ADHD brain will focus … and your optimism will rise.
*****
Let’s stop drifting, coasting, living in neutral.
Truth is … there’s no neutral.
We’re either moving forward (growth mindset)
Or sliding backward (fixed mindset).
Where we spend our time … people, habits, screens, and ideas … all quietly plant seeds in our neural soil.
With time, it grows into our self-talk, our energy, our trajectory. (Unconsciously, while you are thinking “no harm, no foul … Until you wake up lost … with wasted days, wasted years, wasted talents, wasted relationships!)
-It doesn’t have to be that way.
-It can be a rich life.
-If you choose your connections wisely.
-Let’s do THAT!
If your output isn’t where you want it to be, don’t start with willpower.
Start with who and what surrounds you.
Connection is the hidden architecture of the human brain.
And the strongest lever we have for transformation.
Choose connections that make you expand, not shrink.
Because connection, at its best, doesn’t just feel good.
It rewires us for greatness.
Comfort zones keep us where we are.
And how’s that working for you?
Let’s step into GROWTH!
By managing who we spent time with.
What we spend time with.
And make a decision to pursue who and what compels us forward into our best version of ourselves!
LET’S DO THIS!