“Eleven years younger? Did you ever see the movie When Harry Met Sally? … Well, I’ll have what you’re having!”
That was just one of the dozens of emails and messages I received in response to an email I sent out.
The email had the subject line: “11 Years Younger…”
In it, I explained that I’d recently completed a wellness consultation and received glowing results:
Lean muscle mass: optimal.
Body fat: optimal.
Visceral fat: optimal.
Hydration: optimal.
Total body water: optimal.
Mineral, protein, and energy expenditure: all optimal.
When the consultant asked what I attributed those results to, I paused and then answered: “Clean living, great faith, and resolved trauma.”
Not the answer he expected.
Judging by the flood of responses I received, it’s not the answer most people would expect.
The responses were heartfelt:
“You mean there’s a reason I can’t lose this weight?”
“I never dreamed I’d have a battle with body fat. I have a beer belly hanging over my belt and I don’t even drink.”
“I thought I was just getting old too soon. That’s why I have zero energy. And I’m only in my early forties.”
Of course, I also heard from those who insisted people struggling with these issues are simply looking for something to blame.
This isn’t about a blame game.
It’s a name game.
When we can name the struggle, we can begin to tame it.
(From my AA friend, “Everyone’s sobriety journey is unique just like their life story. For me, it’s taken almost 2 years of not drinking, to begin to see the why behind why I abused alcohol. You simply cannot see why you do what you do, if you continue to do what you please. Knowing that you can quit something anytime you want, but never really wanting to? Is the core voice of addiction.”)
And here’s what most people don’t realize:
Trauma doesn’t just wound our hearts.
It recruits our bodies into survival.
When trauma occurs, our minds aren’t the only thing affected.
Our hormones change.
Our nervous systems change.
Our sleep changes.
Our cravings change.
Our energy changes.
Even the way our bodies process food and store fat can change.
So, what’s the big deal you ask?
We now know (without any doubt) that our brains change form and contour.
And when that happens, our bodies begin listening for those changes.
The brain calls the shots.
The body begins adapting to survive a threat that may no longer be present, even though it’s ever present in our hearts and minds.
And while those adaptations may have helped us survive,
they often leave us struggling to thrive.
Or forgetting that thriving is even an option. Or the very thought of thriving sends us into overwhelm mode. And overwhelm is the door to Quitsville.
That’s why this blog isn’t really about weight, body fat, or energy.
(Although that’s what gets our attention).
It’s about reclaiming the life that trauma tried to steal.
(Or feels like it has been stolen).
Moments of overwhelm chip away at our uniqueness. And over time (to survive) we convince ourselves it’s no big deal. That’s where settling for less than the best begins.
Trauma interrupts body processes. There’s no doubt about that.
Studies on Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) and trauma have consistently found links between trauma exposure and higher rates of… obesity,
chronic illness,
fatigue,
sleep disorders,
and metabolic problems later in life.
I never expected to find myself in the weight loss industry.
But when I released my book What’s a Nice Person Like Me Doing in a Body Like This?, I became passionate about helping people heal—not just emotionally, but physically.
Because when trauma is healed, people often reclaim more than their peace.
They reclaim themselves.
Their bodies.
Their lives.
Because of the response I received to that one email, I decided to write about 3 of the most common ways trauma recruits our bodies into survival:
· Unwanted pounds
· Unwelcomed body fat
· The energy thief
1. Unwanted Pounds
“I have to see you. Immediately!”
That was the desperate message waiting on my voicemail years ago from a delightful woman in Houston who’d attended one of my talks several months earlier.
When I returned her call, she said: “Don’t worry. I know it’s a four-hour drive. I’ll be there every week. I know you can help me.”
And she was.
Faithfully.
Every week.
She’d tried every weight loss plan imaginable.
Diet pills.
Fad diets.
Extreme restrictions.
She’d lived what I call the “lost 100 pounds cycle of desperation.”
Lose 20.
Gain 25.
Lose 10.
Gain 15.
Lose 25.
Gain 20.
Until the pounds lost totaled more than 100—
but the pounds regained exceeded them all.
She said: “You said something in that talk that kept me awake at night. You said, ‘every weight loss program in the world and every weight loss surgery in the world will eventually lose the battle when unresolved trauma is still on the throne’.”
Maybe you can relate.
Have you ever looked in the mirror and wondered where your body went?
Not just the pounds.
You.
The energetic version of you.
The hopeful version of you.
The confident version of you.
Many trauma survivors aren’t simply carrying extra weight. They’re carrying years of survival.
And often the body tells the story before the mouth ever does.
Two things commonly happen:
· We seek comfort. Food. Alcohol. Sugar. Carbs. Quick relief for deep pain.
· Our body chemistry changes. Hormones shift. Stress responses increase. Metabolism changes.
(From my AA friend. “REMEMBER… we think EVERY addiction IS the SOLUTION. And the justification of every addiction sounds the same… “I can quit anytime and I do when I want … but I never want to.” The only way an addict stops is to call it what it is … lying justification! That’s why the Big Book says that only ‘rigorous honesty’ works.”)
I suggested to my client that we address the unresolved trauma from her first marriage. A marriage marked by brutal emotional and verbal abuse.
In our first interview, I learned that before the abuse, she’d been athletic, energetic, and vibrant, a typical Texas cheerleader in high school and college.
She married in a size 2 wedding dress. Then the abuse escalated.
Size 4.
Size 8.
Size 12.
Size 16.
Size 1X.
As the abuse increased,
so did her weight.
She was now dating a wonderful man and desperately wanted her body back.
As we addressed the trauma (a beginning healing exercise) and made a few simple lifestyle changes, she lost 10 pounds in just a few weeks.
Not an unusual result in my office.
What did we change?
Walking 20 minutes daily.
And eating carbohydrates only once each day (no limits, but within a specific time frame).
But the real change wasn’t physical.
It was deeper.
It was emotional.
Her body was finally beginning to feel safe again. And in that safety, our “bodies we once knew” begin to emerge again.
Remember … the brain is central command over of our hormonal system.
And when the neuro pathways are altered, that creates unwanted influence.
And unbeknownst to us, unwanted influence causes us to self medicate.
2. Unwelcomed Body Fat
Living in survival mode trains our hormones. To store, protect, preserve.
Even when the mirror is already telling us, we’ve stored more than enough.
I remember my client laughing through tears: “I refuse to wear a maternity wedding dress to hide my fat rolls. They simply must go!”
You may smile reading that.
But her desperation was real.
One of the greatest mistakes trauma survivors make is believing their body has betrayed them.
Not true.
Your body has been trying to protect you.
It may not have protected you in ways you liked. But much of what your body has done has been an attempt to help you survive.
Your body is not your enemy …
but trauma and its reign in your life is!
When I explain this to my clients, many begin crying. Some weep.
Because they’ve spent years angry at their bodies.
And their reflection in the mirror.
Suddenly they see something different.
Not an enemy.
But an exhausted ally.
(Remember … our gut contains millions of nerve cells and trillions of bacteria that constantly communicate with our brain and when trauma changes our neuro pathways, we reach for something like we did when the trauma happened.)
As we worked on reprogramming the trauma branding (left by years of emotional abuse) things began changing.
The messages she carried included things like:
“You’re not worth talking to.”
“If you don’t like staying home while I go out, lose 50 pounds.”
“There’s something terribly wrong with you.”
No wonder she needed protection.
Together we rewired those messages to empowering statements:
“I am a priceless treasure.”
“I am brilliant and creative.”
“I am a faithful and loving partner.”
Something remarkable happened.
The need for protection diminished.
Then the fat began to melt.
But something else began emerging too.
Not just a smaller body.
A freer woman.
A woman who no longer needed to hide.
A woman who could finally see herself the way God saw her.
Yes, of course, the pounds mattered. But the freedom she felt mattered more.
I remember the day she walked into my office wearing size 2 jeans.
The same size she wore before the trauma took over her life.
I often invite my clients to go buy a pair of jeans they can wear comfortably. Then to add their desired size to the shopping cart. Along with every size in between.
It becomes a fun way (for both men and women) to track their progress.
She had done the work.
And the results were proudly displayed.
The gleam in her eyes were like beams of sun.
My heart was warmed more than the sun could ever match!
3. The Energy Thief
When trauma occurs, one thing is universal.
For men and women.
For people from every cultural background.
Stress hormones surge like Niagara Falls.
Unfortunately, that surge often rewires the flow mechanism itself. The nervous system remains on high alert. Like our car stuck in first gear.
A rude comment.
A disagreement.
Someone cutting us off in traffic.
All should create a small stress response (fight, flight, or freeze).
But for us … it creates a tsunami.
The result?
Fatigue.
Exhaustion.
Weariness.
The energy thief takes the throne.
And keeps us tired.
All.
The.
Time.
Which keeps us in a looping form of reactionary unpredictability.
Or … someone nobody wants to hang with.
Before her wedding, my client told me: “I finally feel like I can be naked and not run him off. But I’m worried about keeping up with him. He has energy galore.”
We enjoyed a great laugh together.
Then we talked about increasing protein and adding resistance training to her walks.
I knew I wouldn’t see her for several months. But just before the wedding,
she left me a glorious voicemail.
“This is crazy. That protein increase and resistance workout have done wonders. I think he may have trouble keeping up with me on our hike through the Swiss Alps!”
The goal isn’t simply to have more energy.
The goal is to have enough life in you to fully live again.
To laugh harder.
Love deeper.
Dream bigger.
Serve others.
Travel.
Play.
Build.
Create.
Trauma doesn’t just steal energy.
It steals our belief in what’s possible.
In us.
For us.
Through us.
And when healing occurs, possibility begins returning.
*****
Here’s what I hope you hear in all of this.
This was never really a story about a size 2 pair of jeans.
It was a story about a woman getting her life back.
Her confidence back.
Her hope back.
Her energy back.
Her future back.
The pounds were evidence that healing was occurring.
Her transformation was the point.
And that’s what I want for you.
Not simply a healthier body.
A fuller life.
A life where trauma is no longer sitting on the throne.
A life where healing has made room for …
joy,
purpose,
adventure,
contribution,
fulfillment!
You may be wondering what happened to my client.
I received a Christmas card from her this year.
Written inside were these words: “Still a size 2. And he’s still trying to keep up with me. I’ll love you forever.”
As for me?
I’m still 11 years younger.
And this can be your story too.
Not because it’s a fantasy.
But because it’s possible.
Trauma may have recruited your body into survival.
But healing can recruit your entire life into thriving.
She escaped trauma’s grip.
So, did I.
Will you join us?
Only you can answer the call coming from deep within yourself.
Let’s do this!