“We have a dilemma … part of me wants to make him suffer the way he made me suffer,” the wife said with embarrassment, then she continued.
“But I really do want to give him grace.”
Then he confessed: “And I have no right to receive her grace because I made her pay for far too long!”
Grace.
“Mercy is for what we had nothing to do with. (We were born!)
Grace is for what we had everything to do with. (We’ve lived!)”
Jeoffrey K. Benward
Grace.
It’s not hard to want it.
But oh, so so so difficult to give it and be it at times.
My couple was struggling with grace.
What is grace anyway?
The Webster Dictionary defines it as: “Unmerited divine assistance given to humans for their regeneration or sanctification.”
The Bible defines it as many things, but I love this one: “My grace is sufficient for you: for my strength is made perfect in weakness.”
Tony Robbins defines grace as:
“A guiding force that shows up in our lives: Your intent is pure, and your will is strong, but something else pushes you through. Some call it luck, some call it God, some call it the gift of grace. The gift of grace is a chance to start fresh. It’s a chance to be free, a chance to let love flow.”
Dr. John Maxwell says:
“Grace it, when no matter what someone else has done, no matter what YOU might have done, someone is there not to correct you or lecture you, but simply to forgive you, to let you know it’s okay, and to move forward. When you give grace, you also receive grace. Be a grace giver—let someone know it’s okay.”
Rick Warren defines grace as:
“Grace is when God does something for you simply out of his love. It’s when he gives you what you need, not what you deserve.”
All these definitions have something in common … it’s giving and/or receiving something you have not earned and don’t deserve.
And guess what? The moment trauma occurs to us, grace is obliterated as an option!
Why? We did nothing to deserve the trauma, yet it occurred to us. So … “I don’t deserve anything good is deeply branded on our hearts and brains.”
The result: If we don’t deserve it, how on earth could we possibly have any to give.
So it becomes nonexistent … or at the very least … an ongoing struggle.
But I am here to PROMISE YOU … that you can resurrect grace in your life. In your ability to RECEIVE IT … and to EXTEND it!
Turns out that many of us struggle with the giving and/or receiving of grace.
And I suppose it shouldn’t surprise any of us that it has all been tied to our brain chemistry and wiring since our creation.
Any neurochemical surge our brains experience due to betrayal, disappointment, or heartbreak … changes our ability to give grace when moments of grace are needed.
My couple had experienced a financial betrayal on her part many years prior, and I had the privilege of working them through it.
Fast forward about 17 years, and there had been a financial indiscretion on his part.
Prior to coming to me 17 years ago, he had been harsh and had really “put her through the wringer” before they came to therapy/ coaching work it out.
Part of her wanted him to know what that was like. But ultimately, he had given her grace … and she really didn’t want him to go through what she had.
He, on the other hand, recalled exactly what he’d put her through before they came to me, and felt unworthy to receive grace from her.
I was delighted they were back, although sorry they were having another similar experience with gambling out of control that led to over $30,000 in loss. However, I felt sure we could work through this much more quickly than the 6 months they had struggled with the issues before coming for help 17 years ago.
Let’s look at the neuroscience behind grace briefly.
Grace could be one of the most misunderstood concepts in life.
Some people think it’s a “religious” word … others think it’s an elusive concept.
Some people think it’s for the weak.
Some people think it’s only possible for God to give.
Or a power greater than ourselves to give it.
We speak of it as something soft and gentle — and it can be — but grace is one of the most powerful forces that our brains can experience.
Grace forces us to address our instincts for equality, protection, and pride. When faced with it, to extend or receive it, it forces us to rewire how we respond to disappointment, mistakes, and love.
But if it’s already been obliterated … or at least significantly damaged by trauma … the dilemma is even greater.
Scientific research reveals that the impact of grace isn’t just emotional or spiritual — it’s actually … very neurological.
When we extend or receive grace, something physical changes in us.
Let’s look at what happens to us when faced with grace. And why it’s important we reclaim our connection to grace that trauma stole.
1. What Happens in Your Brain When You Extend Grace
“When I found out what he’d done … I felt like a concrete bridge had collapsed on my chest. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t think. I almost blacked out,” she described vividly.
“That’s when I realized what it was like for him when he found out that I had given my alcoholic brother a large sum of money years ago when we were barely getting by,” she shared.
“I trivialized his feelings and just wanted him to get over it!” she confessed. “Now I’m having to really regulate myself … so that he doesn’t pay me back by expecting me to just ‘get over it’! Which I totally deserve!”
I wanted her to understand what was happening neurologically.
I explained: “Your brain categorized his financial indiscretion as a kind of danger. Your amygdala, which serves as your internal danger alarm went off immediately. Sensing the concrete bridge that had collapsed on your chest.”
I leaned in.
“Its primary job is to scream out to you: ‘Protect yourself! Tell him what a loser he is! Then run away’!”
They both nodded with understanding.
I continued.
“From a neuropsychological viewpoint, it’s just doing its job! Doing its best to keep you safe!”
“At such a moment, grace is rarely a topic that pops up in your mind! Yet from different perspectives, grace popped up for both of you!”
“You said you came with a dilemma. Well, here’s the real dilemma … Grace nudges us to do something that your brain isn’t programmed to do. Even if trauma hadn’t interrupted your grace abilities.”
“Your brain is programmed to lash out, punish, run away. Grace invites us to press pause on our amygdala and consider the unknown. But we are programmed to always dance to the beat of our amygdala’s drummer. Expecially after trauma. And that beat is a maddening … DO SOMETHING DRASTIC … beat!”
It was quiet as I continued painting the picture of the brain’s activities.
“In that moment, there’s no inclination to pause!”
Let me remind you …
The first call of grace is to give up our justification to be right.
Although we may be.
I love the opening line of the Serenity Prayer, “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.”
Grace is embracing the unknown and the uncontrollable.
Where answers are yet to be discovered.
I could see they were both considering grace.
They were both pausing for a moment to process so they could take in more.
“When you dare to pause, to take a deep breath … that one second between your natural reaction and your response … something amazing occurs in your brain.”
They were with right with me as I shared more.
“In that one second, in that one deep breath, your PFC (prefrontal cortex), which I call your Pretty Fine Communicator stands up. That’s all it takes to allow it to take the floor,” I explained.
“Why is that important? Because it opens the door to your empathy, compassion, and your ability to reason.”
“Then what? You can now regulate the emotional storm. Your stress system turns off the Niagara Falls of cortisol (which keeps you from thinking straight and keeps you reactionary).”
I could see it was coming together for both of them.
“When that happens, your parasympathetic nervous system calmly appears to calm your heart that’s beating out of your chest. Now it feels like something supernatural is occurring … the concrete bridge is being lifted from your chest.”
“The lifting of the concrete bridge is your neurological moment of grace. Then, and only then, can your brain choose restoration over retaliation.”
I paused and gave grace a moment … because it felt like a sacred juncture.
“That’s grace!” I repeated softly.
Let me remind you as I shared with my couple:
“Extending grace doesn’t always feel right or doable in the moment. It can actually feel unfair. Maybe even like you’re being weak. But research confirms the opposite … it’s strength in motion.”
“In that moment, grace does something almost mysteriously transformational. It literally rewires your neural pathways,” I assured them.
What is the evidence that you’ll see and experience?
· Normal anger reactions soften into compassion
· Habitual agitation and lashing out are replaced with peaceful responses
· Cold responses are warmed by empathy and self-control
Over time, this changes everything.
All the result of a one second pause and a deep breath … to make room for grace.
The more often you extend grace, the easier it becomes for your brain to make that its new default.
Trauma can no longer block grace when we are willing to pause and take a deep breath.
Then the next miracle appears: You begin to experience emotional stability.
A stability that isn’t dependent on circumstances.
Extending grace is transformative to the person who receives it.
But it doesn’t stop there … it transforms you too.
Before you know it … the grace is calming your inner storms … training and wiring your brain that peace is an easy and natural choice.
ALWAYS!
Grace shifts us to neutral where we learn to respond with well thought out wisdom and not patterned programming as the result of trauma.
The wife looked at her husband, and said tearfully, “If grace is transformative to you, and it’s in my power to give it … I do so freely!”
His concerned expression from earlier melted as he whispered: “But I don’t deserve it …”
I let the silence continue for a moment, then whispered: “That’s why we call it grace!”
“God’s grace, His unmerited favor, is simply God giving you something you don’t deserve.” Jerry Savelle
2. What Happens in Your Brain When You Receive Grace
“Let’s talk about what’s happening in you when she offers you grace that you feel you don’t deserve,” I said to the husband who was truly struggling.
(Because he had withheld grace from her for months years ago for her financial betrayal).
“Receiving grace can be very difficult, so let’s look again at what happens in the brain,” I suggested.
“Because of our need to survive (worsened by trauma), our brains are programmed with a very powerful bent toward negativity, often called the negativity bias,” I explained.
“I definitely have that!” he confessed. “I always have the negative view on things. What could go wrong … And then when things do go wrong … or someone makes a mistake … it’s like I can’t let it go …”
“Yes, focusing on mistakes you or others have made is a survival mechanism … it’s your brain in default mode,” I affirmed. “The real problem is that this default mode will play on endless loop, dancing to the beat of the trauma drummer … keeping you stuck in guilt or shame.”
I could see by the reddening of his eyes that it had landed in a deep place within.
I added: “It’s that exact shame that keeps whispering and reminding you of how you are unworthy of grace. So, when she offers you grace, your first instinct is to resist or reject it.”
He nodded.
“But here’s the miracle in grace. When you acknowledge the discomfort, and allow grace in, something profound occurs. Your brain’s reward system (your ventral striatum) lights up. There’s an immediate release of dopamine and serotonin, which creates a feeling of safety and renewal,” I said with compassion.
I waited as he breathed it in.
“Here’s what’s happening right now … Your insula (the part of your brain that connects awareness and emotion) immediately released a visceral sense of calm in hearing my words. It’s like your whole nervous system just exhaled,” I almost whispered as he experienced it.
The quietness of the moment filled the room with so much gentle peace, it was undeniable and unmistakable.
After a moment of reverent silence, I explained: “Grace teaches your brain to reinterpret kindness as truth …not as a trick. (Trauma makes us believr it’s almost a joke). It’s a moment when you just know that you’re loved, despite your poor choices or mistakes.”
This process literally rewires how your brain understands worth.
All because of a moment of grace.
Trusting feelings that are yet to be known.
They reached for one another, and I have no human words to describe what occurred in that moment of grace …
After a moment, I shared with this couple what I want you to take in:
Repeated moments of grace strengthen our circuits for trust and belonging.
They silence our internal critics that have held the microphone for too long.
Grace creates internal integration.
Your value is no longer a battle between your perceptions and your imperfections.
Grace reprograms our minds and our bodies to live from safety instead of from a place of deep shame.
One of the most beautiful things about receiving grace is that it can cohabitate with your flaws, with the areas in which you need maturity and growth.
As a matter of fact, grace gives you the confidence to embrace those flaws and mistakes, and to begin to make appropriate changes.
Grace upgrades your resilience and promotes your ability to step into the best version of yourself!
From a spiritual perspective, grace opens you to transformation. It is not an escape from accountability … it’s healing that makes accountability bearable, desirable, and honorable.
Your brain sends this commission out to every cell of your being.
“Count your blessings. Once you realize how valuable you are and how much you have going for you, the smiles will return, the sun will break out, the music will play, and you will finally be able to move forward into the life that God intended for you with grace, strength, courage, and confidence.”
Og Mandino
3. What Happens in Your Brain and Relationships When Grace Is Both Given and Received
“When we begin to share and reciprocate grace, every relationship flourishes,” I shared a few sessions later after we had worked through the financial betrayal.
“In neuropsychological jargon, we call this ‘social synchrony.’ Literally, there is an alignment of emotional and physiological rhythms between two people,” I explained.
“It’s like that’s what we’re experiencing. An all new ‘coming together,’” the wife explained.
Her husband added, “It’s so spiritual what’s happening. It’s not ‘religious.’ I mean we go to church and love God and all that stuff. But this is SO MUCH deeper than that!”
I nodded with a smile that radiated from my very soul.
“Let’s talk again about what this is from a brain perspective. Acts of mutual grace activate two very important parts of our brains:
· Our temporoparietal junction, which helps us imagine and understand the other person’s perspective
· Our anterior insula, which allows us to empathetically experience the other person’s emotions
That shared empathy is a deep sensation we cannot replicate without shared grace. It’s a literal measurable resonance occurring between two nervous systems.
And the result? “TRUST!”
Let’s look at the other researched benefits of sharing grace:
· Feelings of safety abound
· Deep connection
· Lowered blood pressure
· Reduction in stress hormones
· Resetting the release valve on cortisol
· Vast improvements in communication
· Large secretions of oxytocin
· Increased trust
I added: “Grace extended and received creates a new relationship theme: we’re loved and we’re safe here!”
I paused as their extended gaze into each other’s eyes confirmed that the theme had taken root in both of them!
“Over time, these ‘grace’ exchanges reshape entire relational patterns.
Here are a few of the fresh patterns that research has noted:
· Quicker recovery from conflict
· Fewer cycles of resentment
· Attunement that creates a greater calm in the home”
“We are feeling all of that,” the husband said as the wife added: “We are so deeply grateful!”
Grace extended and grace received … that’s how human connection matures, both emotionally and neurologically creating a healthy internal mental loop to live by.
*****
Grace is not only a moral or religious choice … it’s a biological transformation.
Each and every time we extend grace, receive it, or pass it back and forth, our brains are practicing trust, empathy, and peace. We’re literally embracing our ability to reshape the architecture of our relationships from one of conflict, to one of connection.
What’s beautiful is that you don’t have to wait until you feel ready for it.
You can extend it even when you don’t feel like it.
You can receive it even when shame says you don’t deserve it.
And when you do … you are loosing yourself from the grip of trauma that has held you prisoner to a life of survival and settling!
When you extend and receive grace regularly, your brain begins to recognize grace as something safe … something beautiful … something transformative.
Maybe that’s why grace feels spiritual. It asks us to transcend what our brain would do normally … and step into what our hearts were actually created for.
I’ve done my best to explain in simple terms what happens with grace from a neuropsychological perspective.
But the miracle of grace is in the extension and acceptance of it.
When it flows freely … in your mind, in your body, in your relationships … it teaches your mind, body, and soul that healing is possible. No matter what.
Grace … who can you extend grace to today?
And please be mindful of when it’s offered and receive it gratefully!
Gracefully and gratefully!
Grace is knowing the feelings that are justified but trusting surrender for the unknown feelings that will bring life! Abundant life!