“I remember when I had my knee surgery and they told me the recovery wouldn’t be that bad. They lied! So… give it to me straight up. How bad is the recovery from this trauma stuff going to be once I get into it?”
If you’ve been wondering the same thing — you’re not alone.
I hear those kinds of questions often.
The truth is this:
Healing from trauma is not a cake walk.
But it’s also not a flight into the danger zone.
(Can’t you just hear the Top Gun engines revving up while Kenny Loggins sings it?)
I think many people dread trauma healing because movies, media, and science fiction novels paint it as people losing their minds.
Let me assure you:
Although trauma healing requires courage and determination, you are NOT going to lose your mind.
If anything?
You’ll find it.
I remember when the client who compared knee surgery to trauma healing was nearing the end of his process.
He said:“Well — this hasn’t been a cake walk. And it required more than I hoped from me. But I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I got my life back. What’s that worth?”
I whispered in response to his rhetorical question:
“Everything!”
It was because of him that I began crafting what I now tell every client at the beginning of their trauma healing journey.
A promise.
And a warning.
My Promise:
I will walk with you as long as you are willing to do the work.
I will believe in you and your healing when you can’t or don’t.
I will never give up on you — as long as you are willing to keep moving forward, even if it’s one baby step at a time.
My Warning:
I will ask you to do things that are uncomfortable.
Because healing and recovery do not occur in your comfort zone.
After every healing moment, we will celebrate.
But I’ll be honest with you:
We will not rest on our laurels (or our backsides) until you get to Step 7.
(Besides — sitting on laurels can be a prickly experience.)
Although every person’s healing journey is different and unique, there are some common things I see that I like to share before the journey begins.
I remember when we did the first “deep dig” exercises with the client we’re following in this story.
He said: “I wasn’t expecting this. I thought I’d come in and chat for an hour or two each visit. But I didn’t expect to do this kind of ‘stuff’ and leave exhausted!”
That’s when I learned to tell people up front:
If you just want to sit and chat… you’re in the wrong place.
Of course, Step 1 of my 7-Step Trauma Healing Process is Debrief.
So yes — we do talk through the history. It’s absolutely crucial. That may take one session, or three.
But after that, we’re in healing mode.
And healing mode requires deep digs.
Serious looks internally at what was programmed into your mind and your heart. Your hard drive and your heart drive.
Both running the show — out of your awareness. And rarely is it a show with a happy ending.
It’s the deep digs that give us the map for the healing journey — and build the muscle it takes to get to the finish line. (Step 7… which is really just the start line for fulfillment and abundance.)
I remember when he challenged me on it. He said: “Let’s just keep talking and I think I can heal from that alone.”
I saw the lights come on in his eyes when I explained: “Talking is the starting point. And some healing happens there. But it’s like going to the gym and talking to a trainer about getting all ‘buffed up’ — without ever lifting a weight, using a band, or pushing a plow.”
From that point on, every time he realized we were doing a deep dive, he’d look at me and say: “Here we go… suck it up, buttercup.” 😄
But remember — he said he wouldn’t trade the results for the world.
- You Must Dig Deep — and Sometimes It’s Difficult
“What does that even mean?” he mumbled, snarling at me early in his process.
Many people are disappointed when they learn that although trauma recovery holds accountable the person or situation that caused the trauma… we also must look deep within.
This is not a blame game.
Please understand — we don’t bring in the person or situation or involve them at all. (Not until Step 7. And even then, only rarely. Because by that point, it’s usually no longer necessary.)
But we must look deep within ourselves to see what trauma branded into our beliefs, our worldview, our way of moving through the world.
How in doing our best to survive … we fell into cycles and patterns that no longer serve us.
- Addictions
- Bitterness
- Skewed intimacy
- Poor choices
- Controlling with anger or fear
To name only a few.
That’s difficult.
It’s easier to say: “They made me this way.”
And although there’s truth in that — allowing “them” to continue at the helm of your life, directing you in ways that are less than all you were created to be… that would be losing your mind.
Hear me clearly:
What happened to you is NOT your fault.
You did not cause it.
You did not deserve it.
But there’s a real phenomenon called trauma bonding.
It keeps us bonded to “them” through anger and resentment.
And it keeps them at the helm of our lives.
When I shared this with my client, I remember him retorting with new determination: “I’m NOT going to let that a**hole dad of mine drive my life into the ground like he did his own!”
It opened the door I’d been waiting for.
“Then let’s not let your anger at him continue to pour out on your wife.”
He got it.
We did some carried-feelings work and reset his emotional home to something other than anger. It took time. But he chose a new emotional home: a peaceful, sweet man.
It saved his marriage.
What would looking at the difficult things save in your life?
Remember — he wouldn’t trade it for anything.
Neither would you.
- The Most Difficult Moments
Yes — there are difficult moments.
I think the most difficult ones for most people are when:
- You must see accurately who unresolved trauma caused you to become.
- You must be willing to see yourself as those who love you see you — in your best and worst moments.
- You must be willing to let go of your story / narrative and recreate one that puts the best part of you on display.
- You must address cycles and patterns head-on (addiction, financial irresponsibility, steel walls around your heart, and more).
- You must trust God (12 Steps calls it your “higher power”) to do what you are unable to do — to remove character defects, reprogram twisted thoughts, restore what felt unrestorable.
All difficult.
But doable.
I remember when my client got to the place in his process where we were rewriting his story.
He looked up at me with tears in his eyes, his lip quivering like a little boy, and said: “I’m not going to have to forgive that son of a bitch, am I?”
I smiled gently.
“Many times we forgive too soon. But at some point … when you realize you are tired of him being at the ‘wheel’ of your life and taking up all the valuable real estate in your brain with squatters’ rights … you might want to give him a one-way ticket to a better place. Wherever that is.”
He nodded slowly.
I whispered: “That’s forgiveness.”
We don’t forgive because they deserve it.
Often, they don’t.
We forgive because it’s what sets our sails for healing, freedom, and fulfillment.
And sometimes that is difficult.
But remember — he wouldn’t change it for anything.
Neither would you.
- The Magic Key: Keep Your Eye on the Finish Line
Each moment that my client was tired, weary, or discouraged — I reminded him of Step 7.
Where new life begins.
I usually ask my clients in the very beginning of the process what they hope will be different as they heal.
I capture their words.
So I can feed them back to them in the tough moments.
One of the things my client told me at the beginning was: “We could have a family dinner with kids and grandkids — and no political or religious debates that turn into yelling and tears.”
At tough, tired, or tense moments, I’d say to him:“Tell me about that dinner with kids and grandkids. The one where there’s laughter and connection and deep conversation. Where healing happens around the table.”
The road isn’t always a cake walk.
Sometimes it’s a “long and winding road, that leads to your door” — as The Beatles sang.
And that door is the entrance to the 7 Steps of Trauma Healing.
But it lands in Step 7.
Where you stop just healing — and start giving.
That’s when healing flows through your life like Niagara Falls.
That’s when fulfillment and abundance begin to amass.
You don’t earn it.
You can’t buy it.
But you can live it fully — by working the 7 Steps.
You wouldn’t change it for anything.
*****
And One More Thing I Want You to Know
The data backs up what I’ve been saying.
Decades of research on Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) and trauma consistently show links between unresolved trauma and higher rates of physical illness, anxiety, depression, addiction, relational struggle, and chronic stress.
But the other side of that data is also true:
When trauma is resolved, those same symptoms diminish — sometimes dramatically.
People sleep deeper. Eat differently. Move more freely. Love better. Lead clearer. Live fuller.
Trauma was never meant to be a life sentence.
You can heal.
Recently, I received a phone call from the same client whose story I’ve been telling.
He said: “I’d like to gift all of my adult kids with some sessions or a workshop — to heal the trauma that my unresolved trauma put them through.”
It was such a gift to hear from him.
I told him about a small healing group I’m putting together — 6 weeks, capped at 12 people, for trauma survivors who want to do this work for themselves.
He offered it to his daughter.
A few hours later, he sent me this text: “You won’t believe what happened. I offered it to my daughter first… and she smiled really big and said, ‘Daddy — thank you so much. But watching you become the man I always hoped you’d be has done all the healing in me that I needed.’ So I just wanted to thank you for never giving up on me.”
That happens often.
The transformation of one spreads to those who love us.
That’s my hope and my prayer for you.
Not a cake walk.
But not the danger zone, either.
You can do this.
If something in you has been quietly whispering toward this work, I’d love to walk it with you.
I’m putting together a small 6-week healing group for trauma survivors who want to experience the first three steps of my 7-Step Trauma Healing Process for themselves.
Only 12 spots.
People on the interest list will be invited first.
Sign up by clicking here: https://bit.ly/DrNeeciesHealingWorkshop
With Love & “You Can Do This” Hugs,
Dr. Neecie