“Sometimes I feel like getting into trauma healing opened Pandora’s box and there’s no end to what’s going to pour out of it!”
I nodded with understanding. And great compassion.
It takes so much courage to step into trauma healing … and to feel like it will never end shouldn’t be something we struggle with.
That’s exactly why I shared the first three steps of trauma healing last week, and I’m back this week with the next three steps.
I’m still surprised by how many people wrote me after last week’s blog and said some version of:
“I’ve been doing trauma healing for years… and I’ve never heard anyone lay out the steps like this.”
Honestly …
That tells me something.
Too many people are working hard to heal without a clear map.
And when you don’t have a map, you can mistake motion for progress.
Last week I shared the first three steps in trauma healing.
1. Debrief
2. Rescue
3. Reprogram Toxic Thoughts and Beliefs
This week, I’ll walk you through the next three.
Why? Because healing is not a destination.
Healing is supposed to take you somewhere.
Toward freedom.
Toward wholeness.
Toward purpose.
So your healing doesn’t just become something you survived…
It becomes something that means something.
And when that happens?
Trauma stops being the loudest voice in your story.
Let’s jump in.
Step 4. Reevaluating and Resetting Your Emotional Home
At the moment of trauma, powerful emotions surge.
Pain.
Fear.
Shame.
Anger.
And because those emotions were linked to survival they often become our default.
Our emotional home.
What does that mean?
When life gets hard,
when conflict shows up,
when stress rises…
we unconsciously return there.
Not because we choose to.
Because it was programmed in us … deeply … at the moment of trauma.
It’s an auto response.
Most people don’t realize this is what’s happening.
They just think …“This is how I am.”
Not true.
This is what trauma conditioned and branded in you.
But it is not who you are.
One of the most liberating things we can do in healing is ask:
What emotional state have I been living in?
And…
What emotional state do I truly want to live from instead?
You DO have a choice!
What if your default became:
Joy
Peace
Determination
Faith
Calm confidence
Wouldn’t that change everything?
I know it would!
But it doesn’t happen accidentally.
It requires what I call deep installation work. Healing exercises that reset and train your nervous system toward a new emotional baseline.
And yes … neuroscience research verifies this.
Research in neuroplasticity shows the brain can form and strengthen new emotional pathways through healing reset exercises and repeated intentional practice.
Dr. Richard Davidson at the University of Wisconsin at Madison has shown emotional traits are trainable, not set in stone forever.
Trainable.
Really think about that.
You can retrain your brain where you desire to live emotionally.
You get to choose your emotional home.
And then… install it.
I love doing this work with people and it brings dramatic change.
Instantly!
5. Breaking Patterns and Cycles Trauma Set in Motion By Trauma
Trauma doesn’t just wound us.
It forces us into survival strategies.
At the time of trauma, we have to try to make sense of what happened
to try to help ourselves survive.
And those adaptations become patterns or cycles. And we repeat them so much, we are often unaware they are even in operation. In other words, they become autopilot on auto loop!
Some are obvious.
Some are subtle.
But because they are part of survival, they make sense to us.
At the time of trauma, we choose anything that works. Because remember, we are in a state of desperation, evening though we might not be aware of it.
Things like:
Keeping people at a distance.
People pleasing.
Overachieving.
Controlling everything.
Numbing with substances (drugs, alcohol, food, etc.) or damaging processes (gambling, porn, etc.).
Or numbing with “acceptable” processes like:
Busy-ness.
Work.
Caretaking.
Perfectionism.
All of these patterns and cycles once made sense, even if they were not healthy for us.
But they made sense because they protected you. Or gave you some sense of relief.
But what once protected you may now be imprisoning you. And as long as these patterns remain unquestioned …trauma remains in control.
Healing means reevaluating:
What coping patterns did trauma create?
What cycles am I repeating?
What must be replaced for me to become my best version of me?
Will these create a fulfilling life for me?
If not, what will?
Because freedom isn’t just removing unhealthy patterns.
It is installing life-giving ones.
New rhythms.
New responses.
New relational patterns.
Research on trauma repetition and attachment theory has long shown that unresolved trauma often recreates itself in predictable (but dysfunctional) relational and behavioral loops until consciously interrupted.
In other words … what remains unexamined often gets repeated. And becomes deeply installed. All out of our awareness.
But what is examined and recognized … can be transformed.
And when new patterns are practiced long enough…
they become your new normal.
Now that is freedom!
6. Rewriting Your Story
Please don’t misunderstand this step. Rewriting your story does not mean denying what happened.
It means owning it fully and refusing to let trauma have the final word. It means writing a story where you are no longer framed as a victim even though you were victimized.
The new story frames you as someone who overcame.
Someone who transformed.
Someone who used pain for purpose.
I really do understand how difficult this can feel. Or it could even feel like you are being disloyal to yourself. As if changing the meaning of the story minimizes what happened.
It doesn’t. I promise. I would never want you or anyone to minimize what happened to you. But when done right … something powerful happens. It
redeems what happened to you.
For me, this is deeply personal.
I was severely traumatized by my dad. He was an angry man, a hurting man.
Likely doing the best he could with what he had. And yes… his pain wounded me. Deeply.
I had ever right to remain a terrified, dysfunctional little girl in a young woman’s body.
And for a while … I did just that!
But then I made a powerful decision. I decided that if I found answers to heal what happened to me … I would spend my life helping keep other little girls (and wounded adults) from living as captives to trauma.
That decision changed my story.
My pain became purpose. And by God’s grace … that purpose has allowed me to help hundreds of thousands of people.
That is what rewriting your story does.
It turns survival into significant service.
Research in post-traumatic growth has repeatedly found that people who construct meaning from adversity often show increased resilience, stronger relationships, deeper spirituality, and greater life satisfaction than before the trauma.
Read that again. WE GROW. But only if we are not in denial. When we own and embrace what happened.
That’s what rewriting the story is all about. And why it’s so important!
The freedom in rewriting the story is not only transformational … it is breathtaking.
*****
There is a 7th step almost no one talks about.
And this is where I need to tell you something important.
.
Most coaching, counseling, therapy, and workshops are so focused on helping people heal that they stop there. Healing was never supposed to stop there.
There is a step that takes healing into overflow. A step that keeps healing flowing into you and through you for the rest of your life.
A step where healing turns into purpose. And that purpose multiplies our healing.
That’s why I’ve dedicated my life to making sure that I no one misses this step.
Because in my experience … it is truly life changing.
Research even supports that those who turn suffering into contribution often experience greater meaning, stronger resilience, and longer lasting well-being than those whose healing remains inwardly focused.
There is a reason for that. And next week … I’m going to show you why.
I’ll share the 7th step.
The step that takes us out of the endless healing loop and into overflowing healing.
Trust me … you don’t want to miss it.