“I’m struggling with my weight, my business isn’t doing well, and my marriage is a miserable mess!” my client lamented … and rightfully so.
I nodded with empathy and understanding.
“Here we are at the holidays and I really need to resolve all of this NOW!” he said in desperation.
[From my AA friend. “It’s during the holidays that the regrets come haunting. But I’ve learned (from others in recovery) that too much of my thoughts dwelling on what I wish I could change but know I never can, only creates the kind of selfishness, that breeds the kind of justification, that every resentment is built upon. And that’s the cycle of thinking that’ll cause every addict to relapse and every non-addict’s poor reactions they’ll regret. Say it with me, ‘God grant me the serenity, to accept the things I cannot change.’”]
I listened compassionately, as he shared more.
Then he asked with disbelief dripping on every word.
“I guess there’s nothing we can do over the next few weeks that’ll make any difference?”
I picked up one of my “magic wands” (clear tubes filled with oil and glitter, stars, and hearts that are mesmerizing) and handed it to him.
Then, I asked gently, “I think you’re wishing for some ‘magic’ … and at the same time … pronouncing that even ‘magic’ wouldn’t be enough?”
He nodded in agreement, although reluctantly.
Master your mindset.
Transform your thoughts.
Boost your brain.
Those are all “catchy phrases” that we’re hearing and reading about in reels, scientific articles, pop psychology, and podcasts.
The truth is, they’re more than “catchy phrases.”
They’re concepts (that if we understand and embrace) …
CAN CHANGE EVERYTHING!
“What if we could make significant progress over the next 5 or 6 weeks … and you could begin the new year in a different place?” I asked.
He responded, “Well, that would be nice … but those kinds of things don’t work for me.”
(From my friend in AA. “Addicts, in many ways, are like everyone else. The difference? We decided to face what doesn’t work in our lives and never will, and do whatever it takes to change it. It takes surrender and praying ‘God grant me … The courage to change the things I can’. It’s that simple it’s that complex.”)
I smiled and nodded.
Because many of my clients come with that mindset.
So, I asked.
“And what if I told you the problem wasn’t really your weight, your business, or your marriage?”
He looked at me like I had just uttered the most ridiculous thing he’d ever heard in his life.
I smiled again with understanding as I leaned forward and said, “These things are important. REALLY important. But they’re the symptoms, not the root of the issue.”
Another blank stare.
So, I stated … ‘tongue in cheek’: “If you’ll allow me to do some brain surgery … you can see a significant difference, by the beginning of the new year!”
His horrified expression was just what I needed to break his mindset for the moment.
Because … our mindset really controls most everything about our lives.
Our health … or lack thereof
Our relationship success … or relationships struggles
Our business success … or failures
Our choices, our reactions, our decisions.
Dr. Parmis Parsamanesh at the St. James School of Medicine in Chicago wrote the following: “The brain is the control center for our bodies and determines our emotions, thoughts, and actions. From a psychological perspective, the mind can assist humans in manifesting a more remarkable life for themselves or hinder their abilities and result in unfulfilled potential.”
After reading that to my client, I invited him on a journey of looking at his mindset.
“If you’re willing to take a look at your mindset … and do some intense reprograming or rewiring … I’d love to be your tour guide!”
With some level of resistance still intact, he responded: “I guess I have nothing to lose …”
I grinned and responded.
“Thanks for your honesty … and that’s a perfect example of the mindset we must address!”
I hope you’ll follow our journey through addressing mindset, because 100% of us would benefit greatly from doing so!
Ask yourself this one question, “What do I need to change in my life that will enhance my relationships?”
It doesn’t take a session with me to answer that if we’re honest.
It’s deciding not to settle for, “Well, that’s just the way I am, that’s just me being me, and that who I am.”
Ask yourself this second question, “How is ‘you being you’ working for you?”
It’s time to rewire!
Let’s do this!
1. What is ‘mindset’? And where does it come from?
In our next session, my client asked: “Well, since we’re going on this journey … I guess I should understand what ‘mindset’ is?”
As I shared with him, there’re many definitions of mindset:
“A mindset refers to an established set of attitudes of a person or group concerning culture, values, philosophy, frame of reference, outlook, or disposition.” Wikipedia
“Mindset is the lens through which we view the world. It’s the filter that colors our experiences and determines our responses to challenges and opportunities. It’s the difference between seeing an obstacle as an insurmountable wall or a stepping stone on the path to growth.”
BrainTap
I call mindset:
The cumulation of our thoughts, beliefs, attitudes, and programming that rudder every action and reaction.
Every decision made.
Every word spoken.
Our very destiny.
Mindset is the content that’s programmed into our heart drive (our emotions).
And our hard drive (our brain).
My client muttered with a grin: “Or what my bathroom scale says, how our business is going, and how our relationships are faring!”
I affirmed: “Well said!”
I continued.
“Literally, it’s like your hard drive and your heart drive. You never think of what’s going on inside your computer when you click on zoom. You just assume that you can start a meeting by pressing start. So, it is with our mindset!”
I explained, “We don’t think about it … it just runs quietly in the background … doing what it’s programmed to do!”
“So, who programmed it?” my client almost demanded, clearly beginning to ‘get it’!
“It starts in the womb. Then from birth through our school years, it’s programmed by parents, caregivers, teaches, coaches. Through experiences – from those that are terrific to those that are traumatic!”
I explained further:
“All of those moments mold our mindsets…
our beliefs…
about our abilities…
worth…
potential.”
I could tell he was taking it all in as I went further.
“Our mindset is formed by our beliefs…
About relationships.
About life.
About integrity (or lack thereof).
About what we value.”
He blurted out: “No wonder I’m screwed up! My mother was just great. My dad was an alcoholic POS … and the extended family on that side were all negative nellies.”
He drifted off … then added: “None of that trauma affected me, but there was plenty of it …”
I waited … then quietly commented, “Your mindset says otherwise …”
He erupted with: “I swore I’d never be like any of them …”
I affirmed, “Then likely you’re not, but that doesn’t mean that it didn’t program your mindset.”
He was reaching deep within … and I suggested, “Perhaps some of the ‘negative nellie’ got in there …”
“YEP!” he moaned as he shook his head in disgust.
I suggested: “Let’s just use this as a scavenger hunt. We will find all that has shaped you into any ‘less than ideal’ manner of living … and chunk it! Let’s not judge you … you did the best you could!”
I’d like to encourage you to do the same.
Take this seriously, as it’s a very serious matter.
But let’s make it a scavenger hunt instead of an exercise of judgement!
Elisabeth Renner says: “Research consistently shows that self-compassion, not self-judgment, is the real key to resilience and personal growth.”
(From my AA friend. “Recovery is selfless self-discovery. But allowing the judgment of yourself can change you into someone who’s unconsciously no longer driven by the lie that you’re not enough. Because that turns you into someone who’s not enough.”)
2. Our mindsets usually lean more to one side or the other of two: the fixed mindset and the growth mindset.
My client asked curiously, “I think I’m stuck in my life, so I’m guessing that means I have a fixed mindset?”
I shared with him some the groundbreaking research by Dr. Carol Dwerk.
She studied students and education systems to see how mindset effected academic excellence.
In the studies, fascinating data was gathered.
(For example, in one high school … in a pass/fail course … those who “failed” and were given an opportunity to repeat the course were more likely to cheat. But if they were given a grade of “Not Yet” as opposed to “Fail” … they were more likely to pass [without cheating] on the second time around).
But her most important findings were in the two types of mindsets that most people have: somewhere on the spectrum between a “fixed” mindset and a “growth” mindset.
I told my client that we could assess where he was on the spectrum by marking where he was on a scale between the following descriptors. Here is his chart:
You might want to grab a marker and assess yourself as well:
Then because we are all prone to rate ourselves through our mindset filter, I encouraged my client to ask his wife, a close friend, and a business associate to score him.
The real answer is likely in the average.
For my client, the average left him leaning heavily on the left side of the seesaw … a “fixed” mindset.
As you can imagine, having a “fixed” mindset sets life on a very different trajectory than a “growth” mindset.
When I shared that with my client, he popped off with:
“Yea! A trajectory of too many pounds, failing business, and failed marriage.”
I nodded with compassion, then added, “However, if we move you closer to a ‘growth mindset’ … you’ll begin to embrace the challenge in all 3 and begin to stretch toward it … instead of giving up or retreating ‘to the inevitable’!”
“I hate to admit it, but this actually makes sense now …” my client confessed!
“The person who doesn’t succeed is often blocked by a fixed mindset — that is, a mindset that assumes abilities and talents are given, limited and minimally subject to improvement. A growth mindset, on the other hand, is one in a constant state of flux and at work improving. Those of us with a growth mindset can, with time, effort and practice, acquire and improve skills and abilities to accomplish things previously thought impossible.” Svetlana Whitener
3. What happens in our brains with “fixed” and “growth” mindsets.
“Well, I hope I can understand enough about it to fix it!” my client lamented.
I assured him: “Anyone can move toward a growth mindset … no matter where we currently are on the spectrum! We’ll get to that next week!”
When we are on the “fixed” mindset side of the spectrum, functional MRIs show us what happens in our brains. From that place, our brains interpret any challenge or mistake as a threat, and the amygdala lights us.
That triggers a stress response, releasing some combination of stress hormones (cortisol, catecholamines, norepinephrine, adrenalin, etc.).
This reduces activity in the PFC (prefrontal cortex) that is responsible for higher level thinking, strategic problem solving, and creative options.
It also shuts down our ACC (anterior cingulate cortex) which is responsible for learning from mistakes and taking on challenges.
However, when someone is faced with the same challenge or mistake, but has a growth mindset, the brain goes through a very different process.
Our ACC (anterior cingulate cortex) lights up, embracing the opportunity for growth and learning from the challenge. That literally motivates us to engage with the challenge or mistake.
In that state, the brain is open to neuroplasticity, literally reprogramming and building confidence as we embrace the challenge or mistake.
“Well, why on earth would anyone not want to do this?” my client asked.
I knew I had 100% buy in … based on the science.
I knew he was ready for the reprogramming in the next session (which I will share in next week’s blog).
“Growth mindset fosters resilience and adaptability. People who believe in their capacity to grow are more likely to experiment, seek help, and persist through obstacles. They understand that skill development follows a process—struggle, effort, feedback, and refinement—and that mastery takes time. This outlook nurtures healthier relationships, stronger teams, and more supportive learning and work environments.” Science News (Nov 2025).
*****
Having a growth mindset is something we should all aspire to.
Even if we already lean to that side of the spectrum.
We could all benefit from a determination to continue to grow more in that direction.
I am deeply committed to doing all I can on a daily basis to take one solid step toward a growth mindset.
Does it require work?
YES!
But is it worth it?
YES!
Here are just a few of the many benefits of developing a stronger growth mindset: better resiliency, less stress and anxiety, better relationships!
I look forward to sharing more of the benefits next week!
“Adopting a growth mindset is not about blind optimism or constant positivity—it’s about believing in the power of effort, resilience, and learning to create change. It transforms ‘I can’t’ into ‘I can learn,’ and turns obstacles into stepping stones. The growth mindset is more than a psychological theory—it’s a philosophy of life. It reminds us that we’re not defined by where we start, but by how we choose to grow.” Science News (Nov 2025).
Decide to exchange …
What doesn’t work …
For the faith to find what you long for in your life …
That will work.