Is there any hope for my marriage if my husband (or wife) doesn’t believe they are emotionally abusive?
I received texts and direct messages like this all week long.
Those of you who know me are aware … I have GREAT faith … that ANYTHING great is possible.
However, I also want to be honest and straightforward in my responses.
To each of these messages I responded: “All things are possible. Always hold on to hope. And … without some sort of miraculous breakthrough … it’s difficult to heal a marriage where the one being emotionally abusive does not have the capacity to see what they are doing as harmful and hurtful.”
I also added: “But don’t give up yet … I’ll write about that and address him/her over the next few blogs. I’m hopeful that perhaps I can reach out to them in a way that is effective in reaching their heart.”
“They aren’t bad people. They are hurt people. And hurt people … hurt people … Hopefully that perspective will give them the opportunity to see themselves and what they are doing in a way that provides enough grace and courage for them to take a second look.”
-I pray it will.
-For their sake.
-For your sake.
-For the sake of the marriage!
“Authenticity is about enjoying a new sense of freedom to be who we really are—ourselves, natural and without a mask in our relationships, our work and our life. It takes courage, commitment and depth to:
- Look within ourselves
- Tell the whole truth (even when we don’t want to)
- Be vulnerable
- Admit, own and share our true thoughts, feelings, desires, insecurities, passions, embarrassment, dreams and more.” Mike Robbins
(From my friend in AA. Nothing will ever change unless the addict and/or abuser admits what they often can’t see, but know their relationships are in ruin. They enter that grasping for change still convinced they really don’t see the problem their indecisiveness is emotionally abusive to those who live with the truth they still believe is a lie. That’s addiction for you.)
- To the one who has been emotionally abusive.
Let me begin by saying to you that I know this is not who you are at your core.
I’m not letting you off the hook.
But I want to assure you that I’m on your side.
Not the side that would excuse or defend emotional abuse.
But on the side of who you are.
I don’t need to label you or judge you.
But I do need to help you assess what led you to a place where you’d do anything that looked like emotional abuse, and help you remember WHO and WHAT you truly are.
No one is proud of the behaviors that are emotionally abusive.
(Other than a very small percentage, under 5%, who are truly pathological.)
That’s not you.
How do I know that?
Because you wouldn’t be reading this if it were
For the 95%, emotionally abusive treatment and behaviors usually emerge from one (or a combo) of 3 things:
- A history where it’s the “norm” – Growing up in situations where emotional abuse occurred often can seem “normal.” We all believe what we grew up in and with is just ‘the way it is’… ‘The way to do life’…
- Unresolved trauma – Research has shown that unresolved trauma is actually…stored in the cells of our bodies. Not only that, but it alters the brain.
- Feeling “less than” or out of control – When we feel “less than” internally, or out of control … there’s a natural drive in us to elevate ourselves and feel in control. Often that’s done in ways that are detrimental to those we love, and those who love us.
I will be writing in more detail about each of these over the next weeks. But let me summarize:
“If you don’t deal with what you feel, you can’t heal. And the worst in you will reveal … until you peel back the layers of what’s real … It will steal your appeal and your zeal … until you surrender the wheel and kneel.
I want to help you find the BEST in you that’s buried at these moments when you say and do things that aren’t who you want to be.
I know deep down (although you may deny, defend, blame, and explain away) your ‘less than ideal moments’ … when your choices and behaviors become emotionally abusive … I know that’s not who you are.
Or who you want to be.
If you can look at this from that viewpoint, I’m hoping it will give you the courage to own those “less than ideal moments” and create a deep desire to change those into moments of your BEST!
I believe you can … and I believe you will.
(From my AA friend. One the unspoken tenants of recovery is accountability. You cannot know what you need to change is changing, unless you’re accountable to another to affirm and question that the work you’re doing to change, is your most rigorously honest attempt to do so. Only accountability legitimizes making that happen.)
Did you know that the quickest path to becoming a hero is to look at yourself honestly, admit your errors, and begin to make changes?
However, you may not have that same belief from the one who has been the recipient of that angst. But I assure you … even small beginnings of progress will get their attention!
- To the one who has been emotionally abused.
I know more than I wish I did about being on this end of the abuse.
It hurts.
It causes us to doubt who we are.
It causes us to question everything about ourselves.
It causes us to become a shell of the person we once were.
But you CAN and MUST rise again!
I wrote an entire workbook about healing from emotional abuse, and you can download a free copy by clicking here: https://bit.ly/HealingTraumaOfEmotionalAbuse
You are now in a place where you must work harder on yourself than you do on the one who has hurt you.
I know.
I’ve done it.
I’ve worked on doing everything they wanted.
Changing myself until I was a deformed pretzel mentally and emotionally.
I’ve worked on trying to love them better.
So they would stop the emotional abuse.
I’ve worked on trying to speak to them differently.
So they would value me again.
I’ve done all the things.
-Now it’s time to work on you!
-It is NOT selfish.
-It is imperative.
You must reclaim your self-esteem…
-Your self-confidence…
-Your self-worth…
-Your sense of who you really are.
(And I’m aware if it’s been going on for a long time, you may feel like it’s who you ‘were’ … in the past tense. Because you look in the mirror now and hardly recognize who you once were.)
The real (and amazing) YOU are still in there!
You must reclaim all of that (and the workbook will help you do that) … because now you have a new task …
You must get strong enough to get clear about how you desire and deserve to be treated.
Crystal clear.
-What you will tolerate.
-What you will no longer tolerate.
-What you hope for, dream for.
-Without writing it off as …‘impossible’.
You must make those things positive, specific, and behavioral.
You may be asking yourself, “What on earth does that mean?”
It means you must follow these guidelines, otherwise you can set yourself up to be judge and jury … and never get what you really want.
Not only that … but you will surrender your best self to becoming what the abuser has done to you.
For example, you may think, “I’m sick and tired of his/her attitude and I want that ‘attitude’ to stop!”
Totally understandable.
Here are the problems with that:
- If they changed their attitude internally, you might think, “I’ll just know when it changes.” Danger: You are now the judge of things you cannot see or know. (And that’s what the abuser did to you …)
- Secondly, you told them what you didn’t want … but you didn’t make it clear what you did want. Danger: The attitude might change to being funny with their comments & behaviors, but you wanted tenderness.
- Finally, you’re asking for something that can’t be measured. Danger: You won’t see the behaviors/choices you long for, even though they might be making great efforts. You can trust your thoughts if they are behaviors. They either happen or they don’t!
Instead … here’s what you might ask for that would be positive (what you DO want), specific, and behavioral. Instead of changing your attitude …
“Would you be willing to take a deep breath when you are frustrated with me, give me a compliment or express gratitude for me, then express your frustration in this form: ‘When you do/say or don’t do/don’t say _________, I feel frustrated. Would you consider doing this ________ (and giving me positive, specific, behaviors that you’d like to see)?”
Another example: You no longer will tolerate being called names.
“Would you be willing to only use my name, or sweet names when you speak to me?”
Now … when we get clear on what we want, what we won’t tolerate, what we would like changed … there also needs to be a consequence attached that requires no cooperation from them.
For example, in the first request, a consequence might be that…
“When you begin to get frustrated with me, I will quietly ask you to speak to me differently. If you are not able to do so, I will step away from the situation until we can have a safe, TREKy conversation.”
(TREKy – Speaking Truth with Respect, Empathy, and Kindness)
Remember:
A limit, boundary, or desire without a consequence just is an idea that can be disregarded.
And consequences you set but fail to uphold, are just threats …
and a red cape to a bull! (Pardon the analogy, but it’s true!)
If you state it, you must follow through.
When the frustration begins with the deep sigh of disgust and a ‘tone’ that’s absent of respect, you say gently: “This is the kind of conversation that leaves me in a place of not really being present and able to listen well. Could we turn it to a safe TREKy conversation?”
If that friendly request does not turn the conversation, you calmly say,
“I need to step away until we can have a conversation where I can listen and respond in a way that honors both of us. I’ll be available when we can have the kind of conversation.”
-Turn and walk away quietly and calmly.
-Go do something else.
-No door slamming.
-Step away calmly.
They will try to lure you in as you walk away with comments like: “There you go, always walking away …” Or “I’m fine, I don’t know what’s wrong with you …”
Keep walking.
No response verbally or nonverbally.
When enough time has passed, send a polite text or say, “I’m in a good place, are you ready try that conversation again? I want to listen to your concern.”
If it doesn’t go well…
-Walk away again…
-And leave it alone.
-It will be hard.
They will try to provoke you and lure you in.
Don’t go there with them.
This is crucial for you.
You’ve been dancing to that abusive drum beat too long.
You CAN manage and soothe yourself.
It’s time to step out of the victim role (and truly you’ve been victimized)… and step into your confidence.
Someone truly addressing their part in the cycle will be working just as hard at changing their tone, words, choices as you are on managing yourself.
You can and will see progress if you are both doing your part.
- To both partners in the dance.
Because cycles and patterns of emotional abuse become habits … just ‘trying’ to stop doesn’t really draw a line in the sand.
I encourage couples to do a ‘defining moment’ commitment to stop it.
What is that?
Well, I wrote an entire blog on ‘Defining Moments’.
You can read it be clicking here: https://bit.ly/DefiningMomentBlog
It means doing something out of the ordinary…
Extremely meaningful…
And very strategic to draw a line in the sand…
That will NOT be washed away by the next high tide.
Next week, I’ll be sharing the story of one couple and their defining moment.
For now, here’s what I want you both to begin to consider.
What can we do together, that is so deeply planted in our minds and hearts, that an internal alarm will sound if we are tempted to fall back into old patterns and cycles?
Let me share what is NOT a defining moment:
- A conversation in the truck on the way to the grocery store.
- An insincere commitment made by one or the other to get the other one to shut up.
- A vague promise about ‘I’ll try to’ …
Let me share an example of a defining moment:
When I was healing from emotional abuse in a very debilitating situation, I went on a short cruise alone. I had written down every moment of emotional abuse I could remember on a deck of biodegradable cards.
I sat on the deck one afternoon with an ice bucket full of ice. I read each card aloud, and threw a cube of ice overboard, symbolizing I was letting each one go.
Then in the next port, I took the deck of cards and buried them in the sand, and built a little castle on top.
My way of leaving the abuse behind … and moving toward forgiveness.
That was a defining moment in my healing. (Just an example of the thought and commitment put into a defining moment).
If that had been a defining moment I had created with someone to end the cycle … I would have probably suggested we each recall (silently) moments where one or both of us were not at our best …
Then have each of us chunk an ice cube owning that those kinds of moments and patterns/cycles would be left at the bottom of the sea floor.
And perhaps we could have buried a deck of biodegradable cards on the seashore and built a castle together to symbolize our new home environment.
And even dig a mote to protect it. We could’ve taken a photo with our new castle … and each of us put it as our screen saver on our phone.
Defining moment commitments.
Think about it.
It is so worth it!
*****
Don’t throw your marriage or relationship away until you have worked on all these things.
I promise that if you both devote yourself … it can and will be better.
And a relationship that’s been healed and has changed the cycles and patterns of dysfunction and/or emotional abuse is significantly stronger than one that never had a challenge at all!
I’m aware I’m calling you to do some difficult things.
But I am hopeful, and I truly believe that many of you would love to step up.
To do the right thing.
To heal what was broken.
And to build something stronger than it would have been otherwise!
I love what Paul Colaianni, a former emotionally abusive husband wrote:
“The success rate when both people are committed to healing and changing is a good 95%+. And I know that’s huge! If you’re on a journey of healing and changing your emotionally abusive behavior, and you genuinely want to do it, you will.
Those on the path to healing will succeed if they choose to do it because they know they need to – not for someone else – but for themselves. They must reflect on what they’ve done, why they do it, and how they will show up differently in the future. Of course, there’s a lot more to it, but the end result should be bringing the best version of themselves into any relationship.
Maintaining or rebuilding a relationship requires both parties to have love in their hearts and want the relationship to succeed. And it will be worth every minute of your time and energy.”