“We have a question we’d love for you to answer …”
The couple I’d worked with and shared their story with you asked.
“Why are couples so resistant to this process? Why isn’t everyone doing it? And how do you convince them it’s necessary and does miracles?”
In jest, I turned to the husband and said, “You could answer this question better than anyone! How many rodeos did it take to rope and tie you into the process?”
He bowed his head a bit in shame with a mischievous grin that shouted: “GUILTY!”
Sincerely, I asked them both.
“What are your thoughts on that? Then I’ll share mine.”
The husband responded first.
“When I look back … I think I’ve become such a jaded person that I didn’t believe it would work. I thought I’ll do all this ‘dumb’ stuff … and nothing will change!”
He then continued with this.
“Or maybe that’s just part of it. Maybe the real truth is that I didn’t want to do things that made me uncomfortable. And isn’t that just a ‘to hell with you’ statement to her? After all I’d done?”
The shame and regret in his words and in his facial expression was palatable.
She reached for his hand to comfort him as she answered the question.
“Maybe it’s because they’ve already tried so many things. Like for me, I had prayed. I’d even fasted. I went to counseling. I read countless books (no real answers found). Watched every related thing on YouTube (nothing there either). I even went to a couple of marriage workshops alone. Maybe they’ve just given up believing or hoping that anything would help or bring healing.”
I nodded in agreement with both responses. As promised, I shared that I had a few additional thoughts:
- One was that because I was offering the information, the process, and the handouts for FREE … some people thought that it was not valuable. Someone even said that I should package this and sell it as a $1,000 workshop.
- Secondly, I think there’s a good possibility, to some extent, that one or both have believed that forgiveness in this situation was simply impossible.
- Thirdly, I find that some couples don’t find their relationship worth the time and effort. So sad … because doing these exercises is the EXACT thing that would make the relationship worth the time and effort again.
I commented.
“Sad to say, we live in a time when we want “insta-pot” answers and solutions. And if it’s not solvable that easily or that quickly, it must mean it wasn’t ‘meant to be’ …”
The wife shared:
“We just want couples to have this information and this opportunity. But when we’ve suggested a Life Group series about it … we hear CRICKETS!”
“Except for the our couple friends who came over …” the husband added.
They both laughed as they shared the story. “One of our couple friends came over for dinner. We do that once a month … one at our home, the next at theirs. But they had heard us talk some about the process we were going through.”
“So, they were both restless and talking nervously. To the point that it was a little bit awkward. But finally, in the middle of a conversation about new construction near the school, the husband blurted out: ‘Hey we need to do that ‘fixing’ thing’!”
“We all laughed as his awkward outcry filled the room.”
I had to know: “Did you help them with it?”
The wife said, “We printed the handouts for them, and told them if they got stuck, we would help if we could. And that if we couldn’t help, we knew someone who could.”
I asked them to be sure and let me know how it went.
If you are one of the couples they were asking about … who hasn’t done the process … I hope you will read what I have to share here.
I’m contributing to a daily post series for 100 days. My part is about marriage. I sign off each day with the same words that I’d like to share with you:
“Forever Hopeful for YOU and YOUR Marriage”
WHY?
Because I believe in marriage.
Because I believe there is nothing between two people that cannot be healed.
Because I believe that if we walk away from this marriage, we will take the problems with us and repeat it or recreate it with someone else.
Because I believe it makes us better human beings when we step up to heal (fix) what we’ve broken.
BECAUSE I BELIEVE YOUR MARRIAGE IS WORTH IT.
(I must add this … if you’re in an abusive relationship or you are in danger, that is an exception. First and foremost, please get yourself to a place of safety! Then get professional help to determine your next steps!)
As I shared last week, I will be trying to answer some of the questions that have poured in. I am asking the questions with “they”, “them”, etc. instead of “he” or “she” to maintain my promise of protecting the identity of those who submitted their questions.
- Questions about the process.
- Can we process more than one betrayal at the same time?
Unless they happened at the same time, I recommend that you only process one at a time. Keeping the focus on one event or situation allows you to process it more fully.
I don’t know if it was the case in the person who asked this question, but often couples would like to do them all at the same time to have a ‘one and done’ situation.
I find that doing multiple situations at the same time lacks clarity and therefore healing, actually takes longer instead of short cutting it.
- How will we know when we’ve done the process enough times?
If the question is about how many times you process the same event, that is up to the one who has been broken. However, usually 3 times is more than enough. And if you’ve done it 5 times and great progress isn’t being made, you might need some extra help.
If the question is about having dozens of “less than ideal moments” that need to be processed, that’s a different question.
I think you do as many as the person who’s been broken needs.
However, when done correctly, usually around 5 powerful processes opens the door to grace and forgiveness that allows a new beginning.
Once again, if you’ve done 5 of these, whether it be for one event, or five events, and you don’t see great progress … you may want to seek extra help.
I will say most people ask this question because they want to get it all over with. If you pour your whole self into the exercises on both sides, it will take far fewer of them.
- What if we get tired and can’t complete the process in one session? Do we have to start over?
I know that some of the exercises take longer than others. If one or the other person gets tired, wait for a natural break and then ask the other if they would be willing to continue within 24 hours?
If you were the one fixing what’s broken, be very clear that you are not avoiding the process, but you are finding yourself fatigued and not able to be your best for them.
Usually, the other will be gracious enough to allow for a break as long as they know that it will continue. Try a short break first, but if the fatigue continues, make sure you resume within 24 hours.
Start where you left off.
- Is it ok to hold the other if they cry in the midst of the process?
It is certainly acceptable, but in this setting, it is best to say something like this: “I see you are upset or hurting, and I would like to hold you. Would that be helpful to you right now?”
I’m certainly not suggesting that you do this day to day in normal life. But in this process, people are very vulnerable. Sometimes they would rather not be held.
If they say no, do not take it personally, and do not let yourself get frustrated.
Keep the focus on the process.
If they say yes, hold them. But be very sensitive to cues that they are ready to continue. Like a deep breath, or a slight pushing away, or anything of that nature.
- Is it alright if we alter the process?
Without professional help, I would not recommend that you alter the process. Certainly, you could take the handouts to a coach, counselor, a mentor, or a clergy person.
Each piece of the process is strategically designed according to Neuro research to set the tone for the very best possible healing.
You may certainly send me an email if you would like to alter it, stating what alterations you would like to make. I will do my best to give you guidance. (DrNeecie@DrNeecie.com)
- From the ones trying to “fix” what’s been broken.
- What if it gets really hard for me to hear what they’re saying, what do I do?
If you’re the one who’s broken something, it’s very common for you to feel that it’s difficult to hear what’s being said.
Do your best to breathe through it and stay present.
However, if you feel flooded (heart racing, rapid breathing, overwhelmed by emotion) it’s always OK to ask for a 10 to 15 minute break.
Do something refreshing on that break. Hydrate, take a quick walk, say a prayer. Whatever works for you. Then come back and continue.
Although this healing process is definitely not designed for punishment, sometimes the natural consequences of having to hear about choices that hurt another is actually something that creates compassion and empathy.
-It will be hard.
-I understand that.
-Try to remember that it was hard on the other… to experience being broken.
-Keep your focus there.
Do your best to stay present, follow the process, and experience compassion.
- What if I do the process following the guidelines and they still aren’t able to forgive me a year from now?
First, I would like to suggest that you not project negativity into the future.
Because I’ve only been writing this process for about 6 weeks, I’m assuming it has not been a year already unless you’ve done this process in some other counseling or coaching situation.
Secondly, almost always, after a number of these processes, most of the people that I’ve worked with are ready to forgive.
-Be present.
-Be caring.
-Follow the process.
After a year … if someone is unwilling to forgive, and you’ve done the process well … there may be some extra help that’s needed.
Give it plenty of time, and if forgiveness is still denied, and you’ve done the things that they have said would help them forgive … it might be time to suggest that you both get further help.
Don’t blame or shame them for it.
Just say something like: “You don’t deserve to have to live with the unforgiveness that is understandable because of what I’ve done. Would you be willing for us to get further help to make sure I’m doing all I can, in order for you to be able to forgive?”
- What if they are not willing to do the process until I end my affair? Or stop my addiction?
This is a tough question, and I have a tough answer.
But I’d like to share it with you … with a lot of love.
I hope you’d end your affair and/or stop your addiction just to allow time for healing if nothing else.
-Even if you intend to leave the relationship, you want to leave the other person in a place of wellness.
-If you’ve broken something in them, I hope you’d do whatever it takes…
-Even if you are leaving … to leave them well.
Perhaps without the confusion of another person in the relationship, and without the neurochemistry tsunami associated with addiction … you might find the process very healing and have a different view of the marriage or relationship.
If you need to detox, I hope you will do that.
If you need to end an inappropriate relationship, even if it’s hard … I hope you will do that.
The person who’s been broken deserves healing.
- How do I act between the sessions?
First of all, the more love and kindness you can show between these sessions, the more powerful and healing the sessions will be.
Don’t act like nothing has happened. The broken person has opened their heart, vulnerably, and are reliving some things that you were not there for previously.
Change that.
Be there for them.
You don’t need to have discussions about it.
But give some extra-long hugs, and say, supportive things, like:
“I know this is hard.”
And by the way, if you’re the one that’s been broken, be as gracious as possible between sessions. If you need a hug, ask for one.
- What if I need help doing this?
It is absolutely OK to need help.
But if you do, make sure it’s someone you both agree upon.
Whether it’s a coach, a counselor, a mentor, or a clergy person … take them the handouts and tell them you’d like support following this process.
I would not recommend that you ask for help from a friend or a family member … unless they’re professionally trained.
Friends and family often have a hard time forgetting or forgiving things that they probably should not have heard.
You do not want friendships or family relationships to be hurt or damaged moving forward.
You will both need them for support!
- From the one who’s been broken
- I know from reading the instructions that they’re supposed to come “prepared.” What if I know they haven’t read the instructions as I’ve suggested we both do and it’s obvious they are not prepared?
This is a tough question.
Obviously, you hope they’d be prepared. And you deserve that. However, if you’ve asked them politely and you know, they’re not prepared, let it go.
Let the meeting begin, and when they get to the place in the handout where they realize they are not prepared, be gracious.
Say something like, “I can wait while you get the paper and markers. Or…
I’ll wait right here while you find the song you’d like to play.”
Don’t allow it to ruin the process.
Sometimes we’ve waited so long for this that it’s hard to be patient and kind when they do not put in the effort to prepare the way we deserve.
I do believe that they will be more prepared the next time if you handle it well.
Just don’t let them, being, unprepared stop the progress.
- What do I do if they keep interrupting and inserting themselves in what I am trying to share?
I know this is hard.
You’ve likely waited for this opportunity for a long time.
Keep yourself emotionally regulated and suggest that you each take time to read the instructions again.
If you’re able, validate that you know it must be difficult for them to hear these things. Then tell them how much it means to you that you are doing the process together and ask if you could try again.
If they keep interrupting, it’s time to get help.
As I mentioned above, make sure you get a counselor, a coach, mentor, a clergy person … someone who can be supportive, but keep you on track.
Just know that no matter what they’re saying to you about why they’re interrupting, it’s likely due to the shame they’re feeling.
And likely it’s healthy shame that’s tied to old toxic shame.
Someone who can help them understand … would be valuable in this situation.
But for sure, don’t give up.
Get the help you need and keep the process going.
You deserve the healing!
- Am I supposed to act like I don’t notice when they’re yawning, looking at their watch, and checking their cell phone?
Oh, my goodness, I was asked this question by dozens of people.
Unfortunately, we live in a time when people are more connected to their cell phones and their own selfish desires than anything else.
You might ask with great kindness if they would be willing to put their cell phone on the charger.
If they’re unwilling, you might need to reschedule.
You might share carefully, and with kindness, how you feel about these things.
Such as: “When I see you checking your watch and yawning, I feel…”
Name the feelings.
Then make a request.
“Would you be willing …”
Not what you want them to stop doing, but what you would like for them to do. (Example: Would you be willing to put your watch in your pocket?)
As shared above, if they’re not willing to make modifications to their behaviors, it might be time to get some help.
- What if they’re truly remorseful and I just don’t care at this point?
First of all, I know that the deeper the betrayal and the longer it’s been since it occurred, you may have built lots of walls for protection.
I understand.
However, caring that they have remorse is good for you. Now that might not mean that everything is fine for you.
But caring that they have remorse means that you’re not allowing what was done to you to control your life and change you into someone you don’t desire to be.
It’s totally understandable if you have shut down. But let their remorse in and be grateful for it.
For your sake.
For their sake.
And be very careful that you’re not allowing the ‘not caring’ to unconsciously become punishment.
It’s understandable that every part of us would like for them to hurt the way we have. But the truth is, that only hurts us even more.
I do believe it’s also a form of protection. That if I let their remorse in, they will think everything is OK … and they might hurt me again.
If that’s the case, just acknowledge that, and stay in the process with as much care, receptivity, and forgiveness that you can possibly muster.
You will heal!
- If I have successfully buried all of this, should I try to bring it all back up to process through it?
I understand this question completely.
I know how badly it hurt when it happened, and if you spent time burying it all, you would like to keep it there.
The problem is … that it is not healing underground. It is festering. And the longer it festers, the more impact it will have on your health and well-being.
If you believe they can do this exercise with you in a healthy way, it will relieve…
-You of heavy burdens…
-Diminished expectations of life…
-And internal misery under the surface.
You deserve to be free of this.
You don’t have to dig up the details.
But walk through the process.
And share enough to get that toxicity out of you!
You deserve to heal, and keeping it buried is not healing!
***
Reading the questions was, in many ways, heartbreaking for me.
I wanted to get on a plane and get to each of you and help you through this process.
But it was also a blessing, knowing that people are wanting to try to fix and heal what was broken,
But you have the instructions, and if you have someone who is at least willing to sincerely attempt to follow the process, I promise it will bring great healing.
Remember this…
Time does not heal wounds.
Time festers wounds.
Doing this process is not only healing but makes you a better human being.
The courage it takes on both sides to do this process well will take your life to higher heights and your marriage to deeper intimacy than you’ve ever known.
I believe you can do this!
I am here …
Forever hopeful for YOU and YOUR marriage!