Using RoundUp on Roots that Lead to Treat Others with Less Kindness & Respect Than You Desire or They Deserve
“For some reason, I feel more nervous about this ‘surgery process’ than I did about my shoulder replacement.”
I could see my client was indeed nervous about beginning to address the things we identified as his roots that led to him becoming emotionally and verbally abusive.
I will continue to share their story (with their permission) to hopefully help you learn not only how the process works … but how it actually worked out for them.
He continued: “I only hope this turns out as well as my shoulder replacement did.”
Because I have also had a shoulder replacement, I advised him: “I can assure you that it’s less painful and requires no PT. And although they call it Physical Therapy … I called it Physical Torture.”
We both laughed.
Then I said: “But neither you nor I would have the functional use of our shoulders had we not gone to PT! And this PT is necessary as well. But in this case … it is Power Therapy!”
Whatever you want to call it … none of these roots will just go away on their own. If you don’t believe that, look at the weeds beginning to grow quickly in your yard and garden now that it’s springtime.
They may have gone dormant through the winter … but they are back with a passion now.
And the roots that led you to become emotionally abusive (not the real you) will not go away on their own either.
They will come back with a passion.
I hope you’ll follow along and do each exercise so that the ‘real you’ will come forward!
You deserve that, as do the people you love!
“We are product of our past but we don’t have to be prisoners of it. Willpower can produce short-term change, but it creates constant internal stress because you haven’t dealt with the root cause.” Rick Warren
Removing the root of growing up in emotional abuse and it becoming a “norm.”
Last week I explained how growing up in a family or situation where emotional abuse occurred frequently often makes it a “norm” to us. Not necessarily one we desire …
It also makes us “less aware” of how it is affecting others, particularly our spouses and our children.
This week, I began addressing this with my client who’d made it clear in our previous session that he had grown up in a terribly emotionally and verbally abusive household.
He also shared that he escaped it by enrolling in the military with a fake ID but was appalled to realize he had repeated what he thought he had left behind in his escape.
(And that he had denied and justified it because he “wasn’t nearly as bad as they were.”)
This week, I walked him through an exercise that I will modify for you reading it. But first, I’ll share the exercise I did with him.
I had him close his eyes (not to hypnotize him … ) and imagine that he could go back to his childhood home as an adult and find it just as it was when he was a child.
I asked him to describe the environment for me, as well as where and what he would likely find his parents doing on a “normal” school evening.
His description set the scene. “Mom would be in the kitchen, slamming stuff around and muttering some sorts of complaints. Dad would be in the garage tinkering. Probably talking to himself out loud about how much he hated his life.”
“If you could sit down with them (you as an adult, them as they were when you were a little boy …) what would you say to them about the atmosphere that you now know was toxic with verbal/emotional abuse?” I asked him.
He paused, then began quietly, “The way we talk to each other and do things is totally crazy! It’s NOT normal!”
“Is there more?” I nudged.
As his chin began to quiver, he almost whispered, “Do you have any idea what you were doing to us? You were teaching us to be abusers. You scarred us with your words. You demeaned us with your tones …”
His voice drifted off.
“Now that you’ve said that … is there anything you’d like to leave there and not carry forward with you in your life?” I inquired.
With a hint of anger, he responded: “I’m leaving behind this way of talking down to people. I’m leaving behind these tones that make people feel small. I’m leaving behind the moaning, groaning, and bitching that permeates this place. It wasn’t mine to start with …”
After a few tears escaped, I suggested that he see himself leaving all of that behind … wishing them well … and walking out the front door.
For some people this is hard.
I would never have anyone go back in real life. It would be totally unproductive.
But imagining it reaches into your reptilian center at the back part of your brain.
I explained to him: “That part of your brain does not know time or direction, and believes you left it behind.”
It’s a powerful way to make a shift in your brain … and therefore, your moment-to-moment life immediately.
For you reading, I’d like to suggest that you write a letter to the family or situation that was polluted with emotional and/or verbal abuse. In the letter, use the same procedure.
Write:
What it was like in that home/situation.
What happened and how it affected you.
Tell them what you are leaving behind.
DO NOT SEND IT.
Place it in an envelope and drop it in a receptacle somewhere outside your home.
“If we ignore the ways in which our family has shaped our lives, then we not only miss a crucial opportunity for personal growth—we also risk repeating problematic or unhelpful patterns in our own relationships and families. The goal here is not to judge, but simply to notice the patterns in your family of origin—in particular, the way relationships and emotions were handled—and be curious about how such factors may have influenced your approach to relationships.” Kelsey Chun
Removing the root of feeling “less than” or “out of control.”
Last week, I shared that many who are “trying to level the playing field” are not even aware of it. And even less aware that it is rooted in feeling ‘less than’ or ‘out of control’.
My client explained, “This one took me by surprise last week. I pride myself in ‘looking good’ and keeping a ‘polite, respectable decorum.’ But I know I’m different at home and had no idea I was feeling ‘less than’ or ‘out of control’ when I speak to my wife the way I do.”
He paused to group his thoughts and continued.
“After I thought about it … I should feel ‘less than’ … because of how I speak to her.”
“And I am ‘out of control’ when I speak to her that way.
-And it’s a vicious cycle.
-I’ve never been proud of how I speak to her.
But then instead of being remorseful and changing, I escalate to ‘prove myself.’ How crazy is that’?”
“Here’s what I’d like for you to do …” I explained as I handed him a tablet.
(I hope you reading…will get one too).
Write down the words and phrases that describe how you would speak to your wife if your…
-Colleagues were present.
-Pastor,clergy, priest… or rabbi was present.
-If your licensure board were present.
Write at least 10.
I paused as he stumbled through writing his first one. Then more came.
He handed me the tablet, but I asked him to hold on to it, and look at his wife and ask her for the 10 words or phrases that would describe how she would like for him to speak to her.
And to add those to his list.
I hope you reading this, will do your own list, then ask your spouse or partner as well.
Here are some of the entries from the list he wrote:
Like she matters
Like I spoke to her when I was trying to steal her heart
No sarcasm
No criticism
Here are some those his wife shared with him (before he shared his list with her):
Respectfully
As equal partners
Like you care about me
I asked him if he thought he would feel “less than” or “out of control” with these kinds of interactions.
He got it: “Absolutely not! I’d feel more human!”
I asked him, as I am asking you … “Would you be willing to ONLY speak to your spouse for a week if you are willing to speak in the ways you have both described?”
He agreed.
I asked him what difference he thought it would make.
He responded that it would create more peace in their home and perhaps begin some healing.
I nodded and affirmed both.
Then I added: “And it will make you feel like a better man.”
“By speaking with kindness, compassion, and respect, we not only become a source of inspiration but also create a supportive and an encouraging environment where others can thrive.” Dr. John Bradshaw
Removing the root of unresolved trauma.
Last week, I shared how unresolved trauma buries the best parts of ourselves.
This week, I’d love to at least get you on a path of beginning to address that trauma.
I’d like to get you started on several things, as I did with my client.
I reminded him of what I said last week:
“Your Champion is the one you were born to be: a priceless, precious, innocent dreamer … buried beneath the pain, the shame, trauma, and messaging and beliefs about you and your life … installed on the hard drive of your mind, heart, and spirit. Those things on your hard drive that appeared to have silenced the wonder of the Champion within.”
Dr. Neecie
There’s truly a Champion inside each of us and I’m here to help you RESURRECT that Champion in you…in its purest form.
THAT my friend, is WHO you were meant to be!
I asked him if he would be willing to name some of the layers of pain, shame, trauma that his true self, his Champion within, was buried beneath.
I hope you will do the same exercise.
He shuffled as he formulated his thoughts, then began with these responses:
Being told continuously what a worthless s.o.b. I was growing up
I still think my dad shot me on that hunting trip
Being ashamed of how we lived (broken down porch, weeds up to my knees in the yard until I learned how to mow at age 6, cars up on jacks that never got repaired).
Then I asked him to get a visual picture of that little boy buried beneath all of those things. It took his breath away as he considered the visual. I asked him to describe that little boy.
After a pause, he uttered these words: “Alone, broken, lost.”
They both gasped as he said them. Those were the exact words his wife had used to describe how she felt in their marriage.
Think about that. What we don’t heal … we deal to others.
Then I asked him to write a letter to that little boy and tell him that he is a Champion. And tell him what he loved about him.
Tears fell on the tablet as he wrote. He handed it to me … and I handed it to his wife and asked her to read it aloud:
“Dear _____, You are a wonderful little boy. No one told you that. And I have a secret for you … you are not just wonderful; you are a Champion. I need your love of life, your innocence, your faith. I love those things about you. They are buried with you. I want to dig you out from under that sh*t. I’m coming. Hold on.”
They both wept. (As I choked back my tears).
I hope you will follow the steps:
Identify the layers as best you can. At least a few of them.
Get a picture of yourself as a child beneath all of that.
Write words that describe him/her.
Write a letter telling them that they are a Champion and what you love about them.
This is just the beginning, but it’s a great beginning!
***
If you can see that you’ve spoken to those you love in ways that you might not have spoken to them publicly, or in front of others who think highly of you …
I hope you will do these exercises.
I believe you are in the group of people who would have never imagined you had allowed yourself to speak in such ways to those you love.
I believe you desire to do better.
Doing these exercises will help you do better.
It is the RoundUp for your ‘old ways’ of speaking to those you love.
And it will either enrich or save your relationships.
I hope you will keep reading as we begin a new journey for your relationships next week.
“Some of the hardest things we face in life present the greatest reward and love is no exception. It requires work and a lot of effort, but it’s also well worth everything it demands. When you’re with someone who sees the value in building a relationship, all the hard work can truly pay off.”
