“I can’t say anything right or do anything right so why should I even work on this marriage?” my client began as he plopped into the chair.
It’s amazing how many times I hear this every week.
Even as little as 25 years ago, there were almost always major attempts for reconciliation between arguments or disagreements, and the mention of divorce and/or break ups.
Research now indicates that mere arguments have divorce in a couple’s top 3 resolutions for arguing.
“All couples fight. And healthy fighting is perfectly fine,” I began.
He interrupted with, “Well how the hell am I supposed to know if our fighting is healthy or not?”
I chuckled and responded, “If no one ends up hurt, or damaged emotionally, or physically the fighting is probably at least close to healthy.”
He continued in a demanding way.
“Well, she always ends up hurt. But she’s just oversensitive. That’s not my fault,” he said in a cold stop.
I suppose the expression on my face, the pause, the deep breath I took, alerted him that I was not pleased with that response. Before I could speak, he said, “OK! OK! Well…maybe…it’s partly my fault.”
I had to laugh but I went on.
“Although I like to teach couples how to handle disagreements, challenges, or arguments in a healthy way (without divorce threats or threats of leaving) I like to begin at the end.”
I continued: “Most couples know (whether or not) their disagreements are handled in a healthy way. And most are aware when they have dropped bombs, drawn the sword with their words, or been unfair.”
He tucked his head with a smirk as if I might have a weapon to bonk him with.
“Regardless, if we start with the aftermath and learn to handle it like a Champion…the arguing and disagreements usually become much healthier and fewer in number on their own,” I said.
I could see that he was at least curious at this point.
“The aftermath?” he asked. “It sounds like you think it’s like a crime scene afterwards?” He concluded half asking, and half stating, obviously being careful to not step too far out of line.
Drs. John and Julie Gottman lovingly coined the phrase: “the aftermath of a unfortunate event.” After 20 years of research, with thousands and thousands of couples, they have determined that how the aftermath is handled is the real indicator of the ability of the relationship to move forward in a healthy way.
“Oops! I’m pretty sure I’m in trouble,” he admitted.
“Well,” I said. “Let’s see if we can get you out of trouble by helping you handle the aftermath in a healthy way.” I could see that he wasn’t sure he had a choice, and although he did, I did not correct him.
Research says that 32% of couples that rate their relationship as “healthy” report, that they argue several times a year. Another 30% that rate their relationship as healthy, say that they have arguments a few times a month. The remaining 38% report, that they fight multiple times a week…or more.
The point is…research indicates that the way they handle the aftermath is directly correlated with the number of arguments. When the arguments are handled well in the aftermath, the numbers of arguments dropped significantly.
There is no question that Champions handle the aftermath of an argument differently than others.
I love the ancient proverb that declares, “A soft answer turns away wrath/anger.” Let’s pause a second; isn’t that the absolute truth?
I, like you, have had exchanges with all sorts of people in all sorts of circumstances. There’s one thing that never fails to defuse every moment that’s leaning towards intensity: kind words and understanding.
It’s really that difficult and that simple. The key is to keep being and doing it until their responses match your efforts.
After sharing that information, I asked my client: “Do you find value in the ability to handle the aftermath so that the numbers of arguments decrease?”
“I guess it would be crazy for me to say no. So go ahead and give it to me,” he stated with a bit of concern and anxiety!
My thoughts? GAME ON!
Although I’m writing this directed toward marriages and serious relationships, the same holds true with your young children, adult children, co-workers, and close friends.
Let’s look at how Champions handle the aftermath and govern themselves accordingly…in order to elevate themselves to the abundant relationship (and life) of a real Champion.
1. Take responsibility.
I began with my client with this question: “After she has let you know that she felt hurt in an argument, what’s your typical response?”
Reticently he said, “Well. I tell her why she shouldn’t be hurt. And then tell her she’s overly sensitive. And then…I justify why what I said was right.”
Because he looked as if he knew he was in serious trouble, I smiled and said, “Unfortunately, that’s what most people do in the aftermath.”
What about you? What do you do in the aftermath of an argument?
How is it that in all other areas of life, work, school, church, special events…we do all we can, to give others space, consideration, kindness? But shut it down with the ones who we love most and who love us most?
Here are some of the things that are unacceptable in the “aftermath”:
- Explaining
- Shifting the fault to the other
- Pitiful comments like “no one gets me”
- Defending
- Being insensitive
- Acting angry or disgusted that the other is hurt
- Expecting the other to just get over it
- Playing the “that was not my intent” card
My client looked at me and put both hands in the air and proclaimed, “OK, OK! Guilty as charged!”
He continued, “I suppose now you’re going to tell me what I’m supposed to do instead?”
“I thought you would never ask,” I retorted!
As he shook his head in surrender, looking down at the floor I said, “There’s only one acceptable and appropriate thing to do…it’s not multiple-choice time! It is simply to take responsibility for what you said or did that was hurtful. That includes words spoken, tone of voice, facial expression, body language, and attitude.”
What about you?
What do you do in the aftermath?
When you realize you’ve hurt or damaged the other person?
Zeros engage in any or all of the bullet points above. Heroes (and I know you’re a Champion and therefore a hero) take ownership of how they hurt the other, whether intentional or not. One of 3 things will happen when we take ownership of our stuff…relief, forgiveness, or both. Our goal is both.
What taking ownership looks like…
- Pursue with softness even if it’s uncomfortable for you
- Make it ALL about them
- Drop ALL defensiveness
- Over do the empathy but with honesty
- Be prepared for the negative…
- If they respond tersely… ZIP IT! Your turn is over for now
- Let them make the final move/comment…if they stay engaged
- If they’re not engaged give them space…it’s their turn
2. Walking through the argument to understand your partners perspective.
Doctors John and Julie Gottman have designed and researched a beautiful process for the healing in the aftermath of an argument, fight, or serious disagreement.
It includes both partners walking through the event, the unfortunate event, as if they were just reporting what they remember, and how they felt… without accusation or judgment.
I would not recommend trying this unless you first watch their video or have a trained counselor or coach walk you through it.
The outline of processing the regrettable event is:
- Share feelings
- Discuss and validate realities
- Identify triggers
- Take responsibility
- Constructive plans to make things right
To read more, click here: https://bit.ly/RegrettableIncident
“I get what you’re saying. But I can hardly stand it when she tells me how I affect her, hurt her, and how she feels. How can I just listen to that?” my client asked with vulnerability.
“Do you remember when I told you in our first visit, that if we start at the end, and people address the aftermath of an argument in a healthy way, that it reduces the number of arguments,” I asked?
He nodded solemnly. “I get it. I wouldn’t want to have to do that very many times.”
I could see he was all in, so I continued.
“When we realize our words can be razor sharp and slice our partner, when we realize that the harshness of our tone, or the disgusted facial expressions have deep impact…we’re much less likely to repeat the unhealthy toxic arguing,” I explained.
With the first remorse I’d seen, he tenderly requested, “Could I bring her here to do it the first time? So, you can help me listen? And help her not to run me over like a bulldozer?”
I told him I’d be delighted to do so, and the exercise was very healing for both, as well as for their marriage.
What about you? I know you want to do this like a Champion. Unless both of you are very emotionally mature…remember, I wouldn’t recommend doing this on your own for the first time.
But learn this process and you’ll find the numbers of arguments are minimized, and the severity of them become much less intense.
Relationships ebb and flow and ebb again…the point? They grow and change and flex. ALL relationships are like this and the great ones, desire all that these seasons of life can bring us…increased intimacy and abundant life!
A testimony of a dear friend who lost their 30 plus year marriage:
(I tell all young couples, do your work, and just know it’s sometimes a difficult journey healing yourself. Of course, I regret so much about my marriage…but maybe my biggest one is not doing my own work on my own stuff, so that we/I could really see, from a place of heart healthiness, that we did have a real chance. I tell couples with kids especially, you don’t really know “lonely”, till you’re all alone on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. I used to love the holidays, but now they’re a seasonal dread…I tell them all…do the work…love takes work…great relationships take work! Work till it’s fun again!)
What a beautiful pathway to a rich, sweet, loving, and fulfilling relationship!
3. Seeking forgiveness and asking how it could be made right.
Some of the new pop psychology encourages people into forgiving themselves when they make mistakes. I’m 100% on board with that. But not until you’ve sought forgiveness from the other and made every attempt to make things right.
My client asked, “Is that kind of like when I say, I’m over it, why can’t you get over it?”
“BINGO! Until you have done the exercise above, asked for forgiveness, and asked how you can make it right…you should not be forgiving yourself or expecting the other to get over it!”
“I don’t think I have a clue how to do that,” he said in total honesty.
However, in the session where she came in with him for processing the aftermath as described in in point #2, I helped him with this.
After she explained what had hurt her, and he had listened carefully, and he had validated and empathized, I reminded him that this was the point that he would seek forgiveness.
For years, at this point, I’ve written 8 words on the back of my business card and handed them to clients. I tell them that they can begin with these words if they sincerely mean them, “I was wrong. Will you please forgive me?”
He admitted in the session that if I’d given him the words earlier, he would’ve said them… ‘with an attitude’.
But in session, because I helped her share without becoming a bulldozer, and helped him listen empathetically…he said the words sincerely from his heart.
She responded with her willingness to forgive, and he took her in his arms, and I witnessed a very tender moment.
Then I had him ask her, “How can I make this right?”
She thought for a moment, then said, “Just by promising me that you’ll not attack my character when we’re arguing.”
He ducked his head with a bit with appropriate shame, and said, “You deserve that, and I do promise that. You’re a great wife, an amazing mom, and a wonderful woman. I never had a right to do that at all!”
Seeking forgiveness, and offering to make things right, reconnects what was disconnected in the argument.
I know you want that in your relationships, and you deserve it. No more grandstanding, accusing, judging, blaming, and hurting one another.
You can have difficult conversations, address challenges, and disagreements in a way where no one emerges hurt or damaged.
But start at the end and develop a healthy way of dealing with the aftermath first. You can do this! You will feel better about yourself, and your marriage will shine!
******************
“Don’t be quick in your heart to become angry,
for anger is what lives inside the heart of a fool.
Never reprove a fool because if you do,
you’ll become just like them.”
Solomon, King of Israel
I don’t know of a darker sentence rendered on a person’s character, than to be classified among the ranks of fools. We’ve all met them.
Some of us were their victims.
Some of us tried to reach them.
Some of us tried to reason/deal with them.
Some of us never gave up.
Some of us have given up.
Some of us had to give up.
Some of us were them.
In the words of a dear friend, “Do you know what the definition of a fool is? Acting like you know…when you don’t have a clue…now that’s a fool!”
We’re all one decision away from becoming that fool, staying determined and always acting like we know, when we don’t have a clue and we for sure don’t want to hear your opinion.
Strut to a fool is more important than substance or wisdom.
But I’m talking to people who aspire to be Champions. Who above all else, want to live in authentic and unashamed humility. Truth only comes by hearing and considering and setting our pride aside.
In the words of the greatest Champion in history:
“Whoever is determined to keep/control/contrive their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life will find/preserve it.”
Jesus
You may feel like you are “losing” your life when you learn to handle the ending/aftermath of challenges, arguments, and hurtful moments in a healthy way, but the truth is, you will find new life for your relationships! I promise!
We know what we need to do…let’s do it!
Love and hugs,
Dr. Neecie
