“My wife says this is not rocket science, but I am an electrical engineer, and it’s rocket science to me!” my client proclaimed.
Curiously, I waited.
“Surely you know what I’m talking about. This thing where you say,
‘If anger walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, … it’s BLEEP (or whatever you prefer to call anger)’!” he continued.
Trying to hide my grin, I responded to: “So I suppose you came to challenge that? To tell me that you might get ‘annoyed, a little impatient, slightly irritated’ … but certainly you are not ANGRY?”
“Are you kidding me? I don’t expect to win that debate. But she says I’m drowning her in stress hormones with my BLEEP, and she doesn’t get it that it’s just how I am. I’m not angry. It’s just how I come off. And she says if I don’t stop it, she’s leaving. So I hope you have a rabbit in your hat for that!” he added.
This time I could not hide my grin. “Yes, stress hormones have the potential to drown us all. Drown out love, drown out life, drown out hope. But I must say I’m impressed that you’re looking for a way to change that.”
I could tell he hoped I had a magical answer as easy as pulling a rabbit out of the hat by the hand motion he made like: “C’mon, just give it to me.”
It’s a very real thing,” I continued. “And whether it’s a husband, a wife, a son, a daughter, an employee, a friend… Ongoing BLEEP can create significant health damage as well as severe relationship damage. So can we just be honest here, stop skating the issue, and call your BLEEP anger?”
Before he could respond, I added: “I’ll be more than happy to help you with this, but it’s more like a turtle crawl than a pull a magical rabbit out of a hat answer!”
I actually admired him for his desire to do something different.
Let me be very clear … It’s not just men that have this problem. Both men and women who either carry anger, or were baptized in anger as young children often just tend to have an angry attitude towards life. Small things set them off.
Many are unaware that their tone, their snappy and harsh responses are doing the incredible damage that they have the potential to do.
I love what Alex and Stephen Kendrick (authors of Love Dare) say about anger:
Often situation you get mad about is not the main issue. It just happens to be the place and time where the anger already inside you bubbles to the surface. The most likely causes of anger are usually hidden deep within, lurking, waiting for an opening. One of the most common causes of anger is pride – the sense that you are somehow better, more capable, more correct about things than your spouse is.
Since 90% of my referrals from medical professionals have to do with stress and the stress hormonal damage, I wanted to address this very clearly with my client, and I’m hoping it might be helpful to you as well.
1. You must understand the concept of stress hormones, how you can create it in others and take it seriously.
Stress hormones are far more dangerous to our health than we can imagine.
Research finds stress hormones related to the following conditions:
- Anxiety
- Depression
- Fibromyalgia
- Heart disease
- Autoimmune disorders
- Neurological disorders
- Sleep disorders
- Addictions
- Reduced quality of life
- Decreased lifespan
- There are plenty more.
When stressed from anything, our body creates dumps of stress hormones like cortisol, catecholamines, and adrenaline.
MAKE NOTE: One of the things that causes an ongoing flow of stress hormones is being around anger.
No one wants to claim that they are angry, so you fill in the BLEEP with what you consider a more personal acceptable word if you must! But be very aware … they all create stress hormones:
- Annoyed
- Irritated
- Frustrated
- Upset
- Miffed
- Agitated
- Sharp
- Swearing
- Accusing
- Blaming
- Yelling (tone)
- Yelling (volume)
- Sour Facial expressions
- Sarcasm
- Eye rolling
- Sighs.
- Giving orders
- Demanding
- Criticism
- Mocking
- Lashing out
I think you get the point.
Each time one of these occur … those in your presence, whether or not it is about them, or directed at them, everyone has a release of these hormones. Unfortunately, it takes an average of 72 hours to process these out of our system. And they do not serve their terms in the body concurrently. They stack.
“So I guess what you’re trying to tell me that it is my fault that my wife is on anti-depressants, anti-anxiety meds, and that she is having some neurological challenges with her hearing, and eyesight?” he asked with a bit of sarcasm.
“It would be unfair of me to say that just yet, because I’ve just met you. But I will say that if you are asking the question, you are likely a major contributor,” I responded, clearly to his concern.
“Are you serious?” he asked sincerely. I could see that his demeanor was changing.
“Yes, I am absolutely serious. And let me add that it’s not just my opinion, although I could declare it to be so from my clinical experience. But research also indicates that this is absolutely true.”
“I guess I thought it was just menopause or because we’re empty-nesters or something. I guess the real truth is, I didn’t want to believe that my BLEEP … okay, my anger … had anything to do with it,” he confessed with visible regret.
I validated that most people do not desire to be a part of causing health or quality of life changes in anyone, particularly those we love. It’s sometimes hard to swallow.
He continued with deep sadness and deep desire to do something different: “Honestly, I hope you can help me. I just don’t know what to do. I grew up in a home where my mother was angry all the time. I can’t remember her saying five kind words to me or my sister.”
With even more sadness, he continued: “And my dad … well, we dreaded him coming home. He was an ass to my mom, and worse to us kids.”
He hung his head and admitted, “I guess I’m the perfect combination of both of them. I can’t believe that I would let that happen!” The shame and the remorse was evident.
“None of us likes to believe that we have become the negative aspects of our parents. That takes great courage. But it’s not too late!” I assured him.
And it’s not too late for you, my friend. For many of us, it’s all we’ve ever known, and therefore, we carry the habits of what we experienced growing up forward, and they become our “norm. “
How do you begin this process? By acknowledging that your BLEEP (anger) has followed you, and likely multiplied.
When you garner the courage to acknowledge that, the real key to healing is understanding that it indeed has done damage to those you love.
That alone is adequate for most people to begin the journey of draining the swamp on stress hormones for those you love.
2. You must choose emotional and relationship maturity and come off of auto pilot.
“As for the rabbit in my hat, it’s not quite that easy. But we can get a great start right now!” I declared.
Although my client seemed disappointment that the rabbit did not show up, he was willing to move forward.
I began: “First of all, let me give you several points in the discussion about relationship maturity, and emotional maturity that will lay the groundwork.:
Here’s what relationship maturity looks like:
- Gets on a healing train before addressing issues or frustrations
- Continues to show and express love, even when annoyed
- Carefully studies the partner’s wounds and is very aware of when their partner’s wounds are erupted, and immediately reaches out as a healing partner
- Makes arrangements to sit with their partner within 24 hours of a wounding moment, and listens, validates and actively engages in the healing process
- Ongoing focus of how to be a better partner for the sake of the relationship
- Always thinks the best of and expects the best from their partner
- Makes sacrifices joyfully and willingly, without the need to point it out to their partner
- Avoids demonstrating anger/frustration even when doing so would bring relief (to the one angry, at the expense of the partner)
“OUCH!” my client responded. I smiled and continued:
Here’s what emotional maturity looks like:
- Being aware of what you are feeling
- Examining the gift in the feeling (yes, anger or “bleep” comes with gifts: power, strength, motivation to do something constructive)
- Pressing pause with any feeling before reacting or speaking and asking yourself: “Is there anything I could say that would create a growth moment or be encouraging or uplifting?”
- If so, communicate from the gift
- If not, zip it!
- There’s much more to emotional maturity, but for these purposes, that lays a foundation.
“This is hard stuff, really hard stuff for me! But please believe me when I say, I want to do it!” my client commented.
I responded: “Let me share with you what happens when someone is angry, whether conscious, or unconscious. … It releases stress hormones in our bodies. When you feel that way, too often we release the stress hormones by reacting or speaking, harshly, or going to deep sighs to relieve ourselves.”
I paused, then delivered the punchline: “Your relief … then becomes her toxic poison to deal with.”
I often say to people who have struggled with dumping their anger on those they love… “If you had a serious injury, and it was truly painful and debilitating … Would you give that injury to your spouse in order to get relief?”
“Never!” he immediately proclaimed. I would take the injury and protect her from it.”
“I believe you!”
Then after the pregnant pause: “So why would you relieve yourself of the stress of your anger and leave her suffering with the stress hormones?” I asked.
With his head tucked, and watery eyes, he gently responded: “I get it. I really do. I can stop this pattern. I have to!”
I knew he would.
What about you, my friend? Are you willing to see the damage that your anger or frustrated reactions do to those true love? Are you willing to make the change? To be the change? To be the healer of stress harmones to those who love?
I believe you will.
3. You must become a part of the healing process.
“Well, that’s definitely rocket science to me!” my client said. “I have no idea how to do that. I think I’ve messed her up pretty badly. And I guess I get when I tell her that it’s just the way I am, or to get used to it, or get over it … that only makes it worse?”
I made the sound of the “X” buzzer that eliminate people from America’s Got Talent.
His expression confirmed that he knew his old ways had been censored.
Recently, I wrote article about processing an unfortunate event. The same applies to being part of the healing process here. If you missed that, you may click here to read it: bit.ly/UnfortunateEvent
I explained to my client: “When frustrated, before you open your mouth, start at the end. Make a commitment that anytime you create stress hormones in others, whether intentional or not … That you will go back, process through it, understand the other’s feelings, and make it right.”
Somberly, he retorted: “Well, I guess I better retire, because I guess that’s all we’re ever going to be doing from here on out…”
I chuckled: “Actually, I find when people truly understand the damage that they are doing, and commit to becoming part of the healing process, that major change begins to occur deep within.”
Because he was now deeply committed to the process, he said, “I hope you can give me some steps to follow, because I am definitely blazing new territory for this ole boy!“
I began: “I’m glad you asked!”
Here are the steps:
- When you realize that you have said, something that has created a stress hormone release in her, change the tone of your voice to soft, change your body language to tender, and ask her how what you just did/said felt to her
- Listen! Truly listen. And see how she is feeling.
- Reflect. Summarize what she has said in your own words, and ask if you are understanding what she’s saying she experienced.
- If she corrects, try again.
- Validate. Tell her how what she is feeling makes sense to you.
- Ask what you can do to make it right. You have to ask sincerely.
- When she makes her request, meet it as quickly and as often as possible.
“I promise this will make a major difference for her and challenge you to change how you communicate with her. Can you give it a try?”
He nodded affirmatively.
It’s amazing how quickly anger dissolves when someone is willing to follow this process.
What about you? Will you be courageous enough today to begin changing what you do with emotions that create stress hormones in those you love?
I believe you will.
******************
Stress hormones are real. They create significant changes in our health, our mental health, and the quality of our lives.
Research reported in Psychology Today says:
Anger too easily or frequently mobilized can undermine relationships or damage physical health in the long term. Prolonged release of the stress hormones that accompany anger can destroy neurons in areas of the brain associated with judgment and short-term memory, and weaken the immune system.
Like my client, I am hoping you will take this seriously. He and his wife are working together to reduce the ocean of stress hormones. I’ve shared my short reminder to myself about how I want to live, and they are sharing and embracing it daily: LIVE, LOVE, LAUGH!
Ancient wisdom teaches us that:
A soft and gentle and thoughtful answer turns away wrath, But harsh and painful and careless words stir up anger.
In a world filled with road rage, disrespectful talk, lack of respect in relationships… Let’s start a revolution of soft and gentle answers. Let’s turn off the stress hormone fire hose!
Will you join me in that mission?
