“Well, we’re pretty sure that what you wrote about ‘BLEEP’ last week was about us. And we’re trying all the stuff you said, but he still wants to explain and excuse himself after he unloads his ‘BLEEP’ on me!”
I had to laugh as I informed them: “Well, about 90% of the couples that I work with thought the blog was about them. So obviously, it’s a real problem!”
With relief, they were both glad that they weren’t as bad as some other couple was. We all shared a laugh!
I found it interesting because so many couples came back with the same questions and concerns. There were actually 3 questions/concerns that were repeated often. So I thought I’d address those this week, starting with the concern this couple brought.
So what is “BLEEP”? If you missed last week’s blog, you can find an in depth explanation here: https://bit.ly/YourBleep
Basically, I explained that I use the word ‘BLEEP’ because people who struggle with anger think anger is a four-letter word. They would rather call their anger things like:
- I’m just a little frustrated.
- I get a bit annoyed.
- Sometimes I am just a tad miffed.
- Anything but ANGER…so I help people out by calling it your BLEEP!
Last week I talked about how your BLEEP can cause those you love to be drowned in stress hormones. Which compromises health, mental health, longevity, and quality of life.
I encouraged everyone to join me on a mission of soft and gentle answers to erase the diseases, maladies, and heartaches that come with a steady flow of stress hormones.
Last week, I gave the outline for making the transformation away from BLEEP to healing and healthy communication:
- You must understand the concept of stress hormones, how you can create it in others and take that seriously.
- You must choose emotional and relationship maturity and come off auto pilot.
- You must become a part of the healing process.
I was so proud of all the people who jumped in and gave all 3 things listed an honest effort. But I was also glad they let me know where they got stuck or off track.
Here are the challenges they faced with draining the swamp after their “BLEEP” (better known as anger) had created a major dump truck load of stress hormones in those they loved.
Challenge #1:
The need to explain, excuse, and/or defend your BLEEP.
I began with my couple with this: “Actually Ricky Ricardo caused this dilemma. On the ‘I Love Lucy’ series, when he was upset, he would say to Lucy: ‘You’ve got lots of ‘splaining to do’!”
Although I loved that show, and have watched the series literally dozens of times, I wish I could’ve taken that one sentence out of every episode it was in!
Somehow, it set a precedent that when something was upsetting, if you explained yourself enough, that would make everything OK.
The husband commented, “Yeah…it’s all Ricky Ricardo’s fault. I’m just doing what he did!”
I had to laugh but continued: “The funny thing is…never once did Lucy’s explaining help the situation. Yep! We all took his words to heart, like they were the tenants of the golden rule!”
“I just don’t see why it’s not a good idea,” he asked, looking as if he might need to take cover because of his question.
Because he knew he might be in trouble, he jumped right in with: “I know I need to figure this out. But why doesn’t it work?”
Although I could see proverbial steam coming from his wife’s ears, I motioned for her to be patient for a moment.
I was glad he asked because understanding that is critical.
“When someone has a dose of stress hormones in their system, and likely a dump truck load,” I said with a grin…and continued …
“The brain begins to function from a primitive level. People don’t lose their intelligence by any means. But they’re processing has been stunted from stored memories at the primitive level from long ago.”
“They cannot process information because they’re overcome with what has been stored…causing them to yield to a survival technique that has been triggered. A technique that they used to survive at some point in their life.”
“When they had to do and say what they needed to do and say just to feel safe and/or able to survive. Our mental processing is overrun by our survival determination that’s yielded itself to a buried memory, that’s now running the show…and sometimes running our mouth (like when we beg the dumpee to stop the BLEEPing in an inappropriate way).”
I could see he was interested, so I continued.
“From that primitive place in our brain, that you are piling information on with your explaining, justifying or defending yourself (info that cannot be processed effectively and coherently in the moment) … You can actually be triggering additional dumps of stress hormones.”
He was staring at me deep in thought then responded.
“So, when I start the explaining and defending, it’s like throwing a handful of salt into the wound?” he sincerely asked.
I responded affirmingly. “Great analogy! I think I’m going to use that! And the thing that can wash the salt out of the wound is reflection, validation and empathy.”
(More on that in challenge #3 below).
“So, I never get to explain myself?” He bemoaned like a school boy.
I explained. “Once the healing is done…then, if you still desire to do so, it’s perfectly fine to go back from a place of humility, continuing to own how what you did was hurtful, but still offer your perspective.”
“I think what you’re saying is … if I am truly sorry, my need to explain just might disappear?”
With a grin and a shrug, I responded with one word: “Perhaps!”
What about you? Do you struggle with wanting to explain, defend, or justify?
It’s a natural thing to do, but if you remind yourself, that ‘I’m pouring salt into the wound of the one I love’ and understand they desperately need for you to bring and be their healing balm, it’ll help you avoid that.
Challenge 2: Getting mad that your partner points out that your BLEEP has affected them. (I’m pretty sure that is called gaslighting.)
I began the talk about this challenge with the wife.
“It is 100% acceptable for you to address the BLEEP. However, ‘how you do it’ is the key. And I want to help you set it up for success for both of you.”
You can do it by employing one or more of these things:
- Use humor. (Example: “Your BLEEP is stinging me. Help!)
- Use inviting questions in making them aware of their bleep. (Example: “Is now a good time for us to talk about how I’ve been affected by your BLEEP?”)
- Use gentleness. (Example: “I know you may be unaware, but I am struggling a little with the BLEEP.”)
With an expression that screamed…YIKES…she confessed, “I can sure work on that and do better.”
I turned to him and announced, “Your turn!”
He retorted, “I was pretty sure I had it coming!”
“If you accidentally slammed your wife’s hand in the door, and she screamed for you to open it, I’m fairly sure that you wouldn’t be mad that she let you know her hand was stuck in the door and broken?” I asked.
“I’m a handful, but I’m not that much of an *ss,” he responded immediately!
I continued.
“People misuse the word gaslighting, because pop psychology has now turned it into a phrase to accuse someone with when they don’t like what’s being said. But the real meaning of gaslighting is making something you did someone else’s fault and making them feel bad for what YOU did.”
I could tell by the way he was avoiding my eye contact that there was some processing going on. Then he blurted.
“But I don’t do that to pour salt in her wound, I just do it to get her to shut up…”
I suppose he could see by the expression on my face that he had said the wrong thing. Because he immediately interrupted as I began to speak and blurted out again, “Regardless of why I do it, I’m sitting here thinking that maybe I am an *ss sometimes. I’m actually embarrassed that I’d do such a stupid and immature thing.”
I added very directly, “Creating another dump truck load of stress hormones for being upset that you BLEEPED. Truly, it only makes matters worse.”
For some reason he tapped into a deep remorse within.
“Isn’t that really just…plain ole meanness?” he asked.
With compassion, I responded.
“Most of us are on auto pilot, and are not even aware of how silly, immature, or hurtful we can be. But let’s wipe away your past mistakes and start fresh. Can we do that?”
He timidly looked at his wife, and with a very kind and gentle voice asked her, “I know I don’t deserve that chance, but can we start over? Can I try this again if I promise to do better?”
At first, she stared out the window for a moment, but then said, “Part of me wants to just make you feel bad now that you get it. But I would be doing exactly the same thing that I’ve become so upset with you about … repeating what you’ve been doing to me.”
I allowed the pregnant moment to hang in the air…and then, with a kind smile, she said to him, “You’re such a big teddy bear, how can I resist you?” The gentle giant of a man teared up and thanked her sincerely.
You can do this too! Just remind yourself how silly and unproductive it is when you get upset at someone else for what YOU did!
No one in my audience, which includes you my friend, would ever want to purposefully hurt someone they deeply love.
When your partner makes you aware that they are hurt, you can skip the middle foolishness, and jump into the healing process! Yes! It’s new emotional territory and will create feelings of uncertainty and discomfort. We KNOW what to do and say…but still it’s new to us!
However, when we continue to face and practice healing the feelings we’ve caused to those we love, and feelings in us that seem foreign and uncomfortable to, over time, they’ll become who we are and who are partner needs.
I know you want to do this, and I believe, without any doubt that you will!
Challenge #3: Stumbling through ineffective efforts to become part of the healing process.
He asked in an almost pleading voice: “So obviously we never get to the healing process because of my explaining and gaslighting. So, although I read about the healing process, would you be willing to give me another chance to finally ‘get it’?”
“I would be delighted to do so.” I assured him.
I shared with him the three keys that I would like to share with you, and then give you the bonus points.
- Reflect. When they are telling you that they are hurting…zip it! Listen to what they’re saying. No eye rolling, no sighs. No moans or nasty comments. When they have finished do a very short summary of what you heard them say, and then ask, “Did I get it right?”
- Validate. After you have reflected, begin to think about some insights or understandings you got from listening to how they feel, and embracing their experience. Begin with: “It makes sense to me that…”
- Empathize. Reflect on how you believe they might feel because of your BLEEP. Begin with, “After listening to you, you must feel…” Name 2 or 3 feelings that represent what you think they must feel. Even if you are incorrect, the effort still brings the great results.
While doing all of this, here are the bonus pointers:
- Make eye contact.
- Touch them, if appropriate.
- Soften your facial expression.
- Use welcoming body language.
- Use a gentle tone of voice.
- Tell them you care about how you’ve affected them.
Is this hard? Yes! It’s hard for everyone in the beginning. But the wonderful things that follow, create a natural desire to step into the healing opportunities as often as possible.
Honestly ask yourself this: … “If I do these things won’t they make me a better version of myself?” Duh!?
Everybody wants to be and do and act and live and respond better…if we’re not growing, we’re dying in every area of our life.
You can do that. And by the way, becoming a part of the healing process is like super glue to your relationship, connecting you more deeply, and increasing intimacy.
And … you will become an emotionally intelligent partner … To become emotionally intelligent, we should all try these thingw;
- Practice observing how you feel.
- Pay attention to how you behave.
- Question your own opinions.
- Take responsibility for your feelings.
- Take time to celebrate the positive.
- PRACTICE GRATITUDE FOR YOUR PARNTER OFTEN!
We all develop our own ways of dealing with our BLEEP. Usually, it’s programmed and installed before we are five or six years old, now stored on our subconscious hard drive.
But just like a rewritable DVD, you can install new things and new ways of dealing with your BLEEP.
The couple I worked with spent time doing some reprogramming work together. It was powerful to watch old patterns lose their power, new ways of communicating take over, and their love re-ignite.
I love what Dr. Brene Brown says about anger…
“Anger is a catalyst, an emotion we need, to transform into something life-giving.”
I want to see the same thing happen for you! Use your BLEEP to create something life-giving in your relationship.
You don’t have to do it perfectly; you just need to start doing it…and make progress. It will make a world of difference in your relationship, and in you personally, along with an extraordinary upgrade in the quality of your life.
