“Isn’t there a pill for BLEEP? We are working on all of this, and at least he understands that this is killing me through stress hormones. But a BLEEP pill would save my life!” my client cried out desperately.
The past couple of weeks, I’ve been writing about BLEEP. What is BLEEP? Well, since most people think anger is a four letter word, I can get much more traction from my clients when I call it BLEEP.
People who truly struggle with anger have a problem owning it. Therefore, they say things like: “I don’t have an anger problem, I just occasionally get annoyed. Or a little bit frustrated.”
But my number one assurance that there is a true anger problem is that they are not able to own their anger. They will excuse it, explain it, justify it, deny it, or blame it on someone else. But they don’t own up by saying, “I have an anger problem.”
Interestingly enough, over the past number of weeks since I’ve been writing about BLEEP… People are able to show up in my office and say, “I think I might have a problem with my ‘BLEEP’!” It always makes me laugh.
Most of what I have written has been about how BLEEP creates releases of stress hormones that can be quite harmful and damaging to anyone in their presence … any time BLEEP is released.
Since I started this series, I have heard BLEEPers say things such as:
- I was not angry at her, I was angry at the situation …
- I wasn’t being all that loud, and I didn’t swear that much …
- I wasn’t trying to stress her out, I was just trying to share my frustration about something …
Interestingly enough, BLEEPers are not able to share their anger in a calm way. Their volume, their tone, their vocabulary, their body language all create tremendous amounts of stress, causing more stress hormone dumps in the recipients of their anger.
However, when they learn to manage their BLEEP, they can share their angry feelings or frustrations in a calm manner (which does not create a dump of stress hormones).
I believe that’s what my client meant when she asked if there was a pill for her husband’s BLEEP.
Sad to say, there’s no pill for BLEEP, but when you know the root of the BLEEP, it’s much easier to manage (or tolerate) it.
This week I will be speaking about where ongoing BLEEP normally originates. Next week, I will be giving some feedback and information on how to resolve the ongoing forms of BLEEP.
I know if you are a BLEEPer, it’s not because you are a horrible person who desires to damage those you love with your BLEEPing. Let me help you! You’ve got this, and together, we can turn it around!
The root of ongoing BLEEPING normally originates from these three things:
1. Bitterness
I like to refer to bitterness as anger mixed with disappointment that is being constantly recycled. Meaning that we play it over and over in our mind.
Either because we are stuck in the loop, but sometimes it can be because we are continually exposed to what creates anger in us.
“I feel quite sure my husband would say that he has this, but would blame it on me, and say it’s because I make him mad all the time,” my client commented.
I smiled and responded: “I am sure you have your moments, and we can certainly look at those moments and find ways for you to avoid things that you know might be upsetting to him.”
I continued: “But let’s see how many of these he checks off of the list of things that normally characterize bitterness in people:
- Becoming more easily annoyed and irritable than previously
- Reacting (or overreatcting) to things they may not have normally reacted to
- A need to send sour responses via text or email
- Being compelled to get a rise from others (example: by making surly or controversial comments on social media)
- Turning normal conversation into outbursts or conflicts
“I would say I’ve seen all of those in him in the past year, and it’s just so disconcerting!” she commented.
Curiously, I asked, “Is there anything that has occurred in the past year that could have contributed to this?”
“Actually … yes,” she commented as tears welled up in her eyes. I waited.
“About two years ago, he and his son opened a small consulting business. I don’t think I had ever seen him happier.”
I could see she was troubled.
“They got a great consulting gig with a fortune 500 company. The company offered his son a job, and he accepted. At first, I thought my husband was so happy for him. He told him how proud he was of him and for him.”
After a pause, she continued, “I don’t know what happened, but he seemed depressed, and then began making comments that made me wonder if he was jealous. But all I know is, he’s been angry ever since.”
I leaned in and said, “That sounds like bitterness. I can only imagine how painful that was for you to watch.”
“It was painful for a while, until I guess the disappointment and anger turned to bitterness. And then, to be honest, I guess I’ve lost my compassion,” she confessed.
When we can look back and see where bitterness started, it often helps us be a bit more empathetic.
Whether you love a BLEEPer who has settled into bitterness, or whether you have watched someone become bitter, I hope you will check back next week so we can help you with the bitterness.
IT DOES NOT HAVE TO BECOME A DEFINING FACTOR IN YOUR LIFE!
2. Resentment
I like to define resentment as a deep emotional reaction to feeling mistreated or handled in an unjust manner.
Resentment is a very powerful condition. Because it normally involves another person or entity, it all too often affects the resentful person’s ability to trust, love, or deeply care for others.
Resentment is often characterized by:
- Intense relationships
- Often feeling misunderstood
- Thinking no one could possibly relate to what they’ve experienced or been through
- Distant emotionally
- Frequent outbursts of anger
- Negativity
- Walls
- Strong resistance to anything intimate (other than sex void of intimacy)
Resentment is such a challenge because it truly alters our brain’s worldview. It creates a scenario of lack of safety, lack of trust, and always being on guard.
I think it would make sense to most of us how that would create anger, or BLEEP, in any one.
“He has all of those signs of resentment, and I believe I know and understand where it all comes from. And it has definitely gotten worse this past year,” she said with understanding, confusion, and a sense of real understanding in her voice.
I nodded with empathy, giving her permission to go on.
“It all begin with his divorce 20 some years ago. The unfaithfulness, the financial indiscretions, and the lies, all propagated from his ex-wife, took him by surprise.” Tears of compassion began to flow.
“Obviously I was not there, but his siblings, his kids, and long-term friends, say that it changed him dramatically.”
“They say he went from a strong leader to a shell of a man in a matter of months as his world shattered. It breaks my heart. But to be honest, I now pay the price for all of it.”
“I would never be unfaithful to him, he’s a wonderful man. Yet he doubts everything I say, he douses me with anger daily, and he seems to go deeper into his BLEEP and gets worse daily.“
“How sad and disappointing for you!” I empathized. “It sounds like the perfect storm for a lifetime of resentment,” I commented.
As sobs welled up from deep within her, she asked in desperation: “Is there any hope? Any hope at all?” … She gathered herself and continued: “That the wonderful man in him could come forward again?”
“Absolutely! Although resentment is a stubborn condition to overcome, he can do it. The question is, do you think he will be willing?” I asked.
“In his tender moments, he says he will do whatever it takes to get his life back …” she stated wistfully.
Whether you are the recipient of a BLEEPER’s resentment, or you are the BLEEPER with resentment … don’t give up. Don’t settle in there! There’s something greater for you!
I saw hope arise in his wife’s eyes. I hope and pray it is arousing in you as well!
3. Carried anger
Carried anger results from growing up in a home that has anger as a pervasive factor. And/or has a significant caregiver who is either out of control with,or stuffs their anger.
Children pick this up, and it’s deeply programmed on their hard drive.
Carried anger is often characterized by:
- Erratic angry responses
- Appearing that angry is their default mode
- Experiencing and expressing anger out of proportion to the moment
- Inability to see why anger would affect anyone
- Refusing to acknowledge their anger and its impact
“Well, he says that his mom never said anything that wasn’t laced in anger. That she would constantly tell all of the kids to get out of her way. That there were no displays of tenderness, only displays of anger. And that when his dad came home, he would often rage. So I guess he’s got the carried stuff too,” my client commented.
I responded: “Bless his heart. It sounds like he had anger coming from every direction. It’s no wonder he struggles with it. He deserves better, and of course, you do also!” She waited silently as I went on.
“Carried anger is something that is relatively easy to resolve. So if he’s willing, perhaps it would be the best place for him to begin,” I informed her.
“I want that for him more than anything else. He’s a great man, and he deserves it. But it’s like his anger is a dark cloud that follows him around, and longs for company to share it with!” she lamented.
Your carried anger can be resolved. You will find that it is no longer your auto pilot response.
***
BLEEP.
It damages the giver. It damages the receiver. But regardless of where the anger comes from … whether it be bitterness, resentment, or carried anger … It can all be resolved.
After the intro session with his wife, her husband came in, and we began with his carried anger work. The following week, she raved about the dramatic results. And we began working on the bitterness.
Corrie Ten Boom, after surviving the Holocaust said:
“Forgiveness is the key that unlocks the door of resentment and the handcuffs of hatred. It is a power that breaks the chains of bitterness and the shackles of selfishness.”
Perhaps her story will help us have more grace for our BLEEPers, or for BLEEPers to offer themselves as they strive to let go of their BLEEP.
No matter how much you’ve been BLEEPed on, or how much you have BLEEPed on others, there is a different way. There is a better way.
This better way, BLEEP-free living, will bring great joy to your relationships, great peace to your life, more fulfillment in your day today living than you’ve ever known.
Make note of where your bleep comes from, and join me next week as we begin to resolve it!
You and those you love deserve a BLEEP-free life.
