“I have always loved him. Even in the midst of mood swings that wrecked me. But now I’m actually ‘falling in love’ with him all over again! I didn’t expect that, but I’m not complaining!”
The couple I’ve been working with, and writing about, came in for one last session on healing the relationship and moving it forward in a positive way.
She had heard me speak of it before, but I began to tell them that if you want superglue in your relationship, in your love, and in your commitment… The secret is in becoming healing partners.
The husband said with a half grin, and half look of terror: “I don’t know what a healing partner is, but I’m pretty sure that’s above my pay grade. I mean it’s been a major challenge for me to just learn to express feelings. But healing? I don’t think that’s in me!”
I asked him to withhold that judgment about himself, until I explained what a healing partnership was all about.
What is a healing partnership? Here is my definition:
“Two people so devoted that what comes between most couples become the things that draw them even closer!
Deep within us, we all have wounds of various types and depths. Working through healing processes together creates the superglue for commitment and keeps love alive! Love doesn’t have to die!”
The challenge is that when these wounds arise, they normally manifest in the form of frustrations with one another. The truth is … the nerve of the wound that is already there is touched, but it is more about the wound than the moment. This presents a unique and beautiful opportunity to create powerful healing and bonding.
I saw the wife glance at her husband with a look of trepidation. It was almost as if she was hoping that it did not scare him off from the great work they were doing on their relationship together.
He grinned back and said: “Well hell! I’m doing stuff I never thought I could do, so lay it on me, and let’s see how I can do at this healing partner thing!”
{From my friend in AA recovery… “I’m learning that the people closest in my life are all meant to be there…so that I may learn to change the way I respond, by saying and doing the next right thing, when their familiar agitations that cause the stuff (that never works) to arise in me. So, instead of reacting…I pause now and embrace the emotions of change.)
This may be a new concept to you too but let me give you three keyways that you can immediately become a healing partner.
1. Those 25 things!
The husband immediately proclaimed: “After everything I’ve done … there’s 25 more things? You’ve got to be kidding me!” You would have thought I handed him a shovel and asked him to dig 25 ditches.
With a laugh I told him I really thought he would like these 25 things.
What are they? Well, first of all, each partner needs to do this. In writing.
They are the 25 things that make you feel loved!
- They must cost less than a dollar
- They must be able to be accomplished in 5 minute or less
- They must make you feel very loved
The wife immediately commented, “Hallelujah! I’ve been trying to figure out for years what makes him feel loved.”
He retorted: “Well, this list might take me 25 years!”
And you may feel the same way!
But once you get started, you will find that they come quickly.
I will share my conversation with them, in hopes it will help you get started.
I said to him, “What little things did she do in the beginning that caused you to fall in love with her?”
At first, he looked like a deer in the headlights, but with a grin he started.
“Well, she would always find a way to touch me when we were driving somewhere. And she would say things that made me laugh.”
He paused again just before he began to pour out multiple things:
“She baked me cookies.
She texted me how much she loved me in the middle of the day.
She always acted glad to see me when I came home.
She would insist on cleaning up the kitchen so I could go relax.”
And the list went on.
She immediately responded: “Oh, thank you so much! I can do all those things again!”
And that’s the whole point of the list. So you can give your partner the prescription of how to make you feel loved.
Get started on your list today!
Allow yourself about three days to deliver your list to your partner.
When you receive your list, your goal is to deliver on 10 of them every day. And that can be 3 sweet texts, 1 hug, 2 offers to help and 4 sincere compliments on how they look. Mix and match. But make it your goal to do at least 10 daily. And all 25 of them in rotation so that each of them is met weekly at least once.
It’s like fire starter on a dying ember. Healing partners intentionally set their love on fire regularly.
From the closing of the movie “American Underdog” …
LOVE CHANGES EVERYTHING!
“Love can break your heart
Heal your soul
Warm the winter years
When your grey and old
When you start to fall
Backs against the wall
Makes you fly fly fly
With a broken wing
Love changes, love changes everything!”
2. A daily checkup.
The daily checkup is something you should each initiate. I encourage flipping a coin to decide who gets the odd days of the month to initiate, and who gets the even days of the month.
The same thing occurs in the checkup, regardless, of who initiates. The one initiating begins this 15-to-20-minute conversation with a question.
“How am I doing on making you feel loved?”
The husband threw his head into his hands and moaned: “Oh, my God… Can I set a timer? Because I will hear 20 minutes of what I’ve done wrong!”
With a grin, I told him… “Not if you’ve been delivering on your 25 items regularly!”
I suggested to them, and to you, that you rotate that question with these additional six every week:
“What was the thing I did today that made you feel the most loved?”
“What was the one thing that you wish I had done today that I missed?”
“What could I do to make the rest of your day your best day this week?
“How do you think our relationship is doing?”
“What one thing could I do for you tomorrow that would make it your best day?”
“Can you think of something I can add to your list that would make you feel loved?”
The person responsible for initiating chooses the question until they are all used during the week. The other person answers the same question they have been asked.
If you will show up with the hope and expectation that this check in will draw you both closer, and make your marriage even better, you will look forward to it!
(A note…Isn’t it interesting that in the business world we spend hundreds of man-hours, that translate into billions of dollars, just to ensure our customer service is kind, empathetic, and professional. Then we park any attempt (at loving our spouse like this, using these tools) out in the driveway. The key to any healing is surrendering to living authentically … 24/7.)
3. Approaching past hurts with a spoonful of soothing oil.
“This is an advanced healing partner exercise, but I believe you two are ready for it!” I informed my couple.
I hope you are ready for it too.
Once a week, or at least twice a month, if you truly want to be a healing partner…you will initiate this exercise.
This is not a back-and-forth exercise where each does it at the same time. You initiate this on your own just because you desire to be a healing partner and heal hurt that you have been a part of.
You ask your partner for about half an hour of time, and make sure it’s a good time for both of you. You need to be in your best place of emotional mastery to do this. (If you’re not sure what emotional mastery is all about, you can click here to read about it: https://bit.ly/EmotionalMastery4You).
You go to your partner with one of your “less than ideal moments” in mind, and plug it into this formula:
“I remember when I__________________(something you did or failed to do). I know that must have been very _____________________(add the emotion you guess they experienced, ex: hurtful) to you. I would like to hear what it has done to you, and how I can not only hear you and show I care, but also let you know I am sincerely sorry. And I want to hear what I can do to begin the healing process for you?
Yes! It requires courage, emotional mastery, and a true desire to heal the wounds that you caused, whether intentionally or not.
“Could we practice that here first?” The wife asked. Before I could respond, he spouted out: “I hope to Hannah we can! Because I have no idea what to do!”
With a laugh, I commented: “It sounds to me like you have just volunteered yourself!”
An eye roll, and a shift in his posture spoke to me that he dreaded it, but he was willing.
Because I knew that there had been a moment when he stated how he regretted ever marrying her that was very painful to her, I suggested we use that moment.
I handed him the outline for the statement that I listed above.
After shifting in his chair, a number of times, and clearing his throat several times, he began with emotion I did not expect: “I remember when I told you I regretted ever marrying you. I know that must have been very devastating to you,” he said as his voice cracked.
“I would like to hear what it has done to you, and how I can not only hear you and show I care, but hear what I can do to begin the healing process for you?”
With similar emotion, she began: “I felt like my entire decade was wasted. When I figured out that you were bipolar 2, I stood by your side. I helped you get evaluated and get medication. And I came back, loving you, after every wrecking ball moment. You acted like nothing happened. Others were telling me I should leave. But I stayed because I loved you. And you regretted ever marrying me?”
She melted into sobs, and he leaned toward her and put his hand on her shoulder. Her sobbing became deeper, because she knew he had heard her, and that he cared.
He asked if he could apologize, and I told him that if he could do it with a truly humble and contrite spirit, he could do that, but to abbreviate it, and to follow up with the last question again.
He said: “I am so sorry. That was mean, and it wasn’t true. I don’t know what’s wrong with me to say something so carelessly like that, but whatever it is, I will fix it. And what can I do to begin the healing process?”
I will abbreviate a very powerfully healing moment, but she asked for reassurance that he was not only did NOT regret marrying her, but that she and the marriage meant something to him.
He did a champion job on this. And in closing, he said to her: “I don’t deserve you. I don’t deserve your mercy or grace on me after what I put you through. You are a stronger woman than I am a man. And I am grateful for your unfailing love. I can promise you I will spend the rest of my life letting you know just how grateful I am, how much I love you and what a lucky man I am to have!”
Priceless healing!
Hopefully you’re in a good enough place to do this exercise.
From a follow up email, I learned that she asked for some time later that evening, and there was a second powerfully healing moment.
If you can, ask for time, and initiate a healing moment!
***********
Courage required? Yes!
Humility required? Yes!
Healing potential? Limitless!
After leading a group of couples in this exercise in a marriage workshop recently, I gave evaluation sheets and asked them all to complete one so that we could make the workshop even better for the next set of couples.
One of the evaluation sheets, under the “additional comments” section, read: “Healing partnership is not for sissies!”
After a good laugh, I thought … I will use that!
No, it’s not for sissies.
It is for men and women of courage, devoted to their partner and their marriage.
It is for those who are not willing to settle for less than the very best.
“Above all, be the heroine (or hero) of your life, not the victim.” — Nora Ephron
