“Love maintains the power to do the right thing…even if it doesn’t feel like it…” Stephen and Alex Kendrick
I read this in my inspired reading one morning recently. Perfect timing. Little did I know I would need it later that day.
“I can’t help my response when I think she’s accusing me,” the husband blurted out in our session with animosity! “I’m not gonna live my life by feelings! Y’all can talk about all that feelings stuff, but I’m just a man of facts!”
Clearly, he did not know what I had read that morning.
I nodded and smiled at him as I said, “Well…are you open to discussing that? Because I think we can learn a lot together?”
In disgust he responded with a deep sigh and an eye roll, demanding: “Like what?”
With a warm smile, I suggested: “Perhaps how love maintains the power to do the right thing.”
He tucked his head as he muttered: “Oh!” with embarrassment.
We all do it at times. We are reactionary. We are eager to unload our venom to make ourselves feel better. We don’t give it a second thought.
But at the moment…is that love? Or is that self will run riot?
Who doesn’t love Céline Dion’s song: The Power of Love? (https://youtu.be/Y8HOfcYWZoo)
And we all long for the things she sings about in her song. Like the lyrics say:
“We’re heading for something,
Somewhere I’ve never been.
Sometimes I am frightened,
But I’m ready to learn …
Of the power of love!”
This week I want to talk about the power of love that guides us in doing the right thing.
Here are the things I believe that the power of love will help us do ‘right’ when we surrender to its power.
1. No TREKy, no talky.
The power of love helps us abide by the “no TREKy, no talky” rule.
This is something I teach all the couples and families that I work with. The truth is the power of love will help us remain silent (no talkie) until we are ready to use TREKy talk.
What is TREKy talk?
It is:
Truth spoken with
Respect
Empathy and
Kindness
The power of love helps us choose TREKy talk.
“So, I’m pretty sure you’re telling me I should have kept my mouth shut?” the husband asked, but with less agitation.
I responded: “Actually, perhaps for the moment,” I responded. “But just until you could have said the same thing from a place of truth, respect, empathy, and kindness.”
I asked him if he would be willing to try to communicate the same information from a different place.
He paused, and I could tell his gears were turning. I waited.
“This is hard…I know you’re going to tell me I’m responsible for my response regardless of what she does, so I have to erase that part…”
I nodded but waited (so as not to let him off the hook).
I could see she was a bit agitated in the waiting, so I softly motioned for her to stop and wait with me.
He continued slowly. “And since you did all that work with me on my BLEEP, I’m pretty sure you would say that I was contradicting myself, because I was living by my bleep (or anger), and telling her I wasn’t going to live by my feelings, judging hers.”
[In case you’re unfamiliar with BLEEP, it’s a series I wrote recently implicating anger. If you missed it, here is the link:
Although I wanted to laugh, I settled for a smile and said, “You know… I hadn’t thought of that…but I could not have said it better myself!”
Then we all laughed. I still did not let him off the hook.
I asked him what he could still say in a TREKy way?
He finally said, “It really hurts my feelings when you accuse me. And then I think I have a right to be angry and blast you. I am really sorry for that. Could we have a conversation about how to better handle situations when I feel accused?”
“Wow! Well done!” I responded.
Before we had that conversation he suggested, I affirmed him, and told him that he just gave a powerful example of harnessing the power of love. And choosing the right thing. TREKy talk.
How about you? Can you begin harnessing the power of love with TREKy talk? I believe you can.
2. Think through and limit your words.
His wife immediately responded: “I’m pretty sure this one’s going to be for me! When I’m trying to communicate, and he’s either not paying attention, or doesn’t get it, I know I tend to throw up my feelings in hundreds of words.”
I smiled and nodded.
Her husband retorted, “Finally! One that’s not focused in on me!”
I had to comment: “Hold on there, cowboy…just a few minutes ago, you released a whole lot of words…and I would imagine that’s your ‘go to’ when your BLEEP gets activated.”
There is an old proverb that says:
“Do not be hasty with your mouth, speaking careless words, or vows, or impulsive in thought.”
Many of us would do well to surrender to the power of love to do the next right thing, realizing it isn’t always to speak words…at least at that moment.
The wife volunteered: “When I’m feeling hurt, afraid, or agitated, I need to press pause and ask myself some things. Like do I need to say anything at all? And if I do, how can I do it in a way that invites the response I want or need?”
I responded: “Great thought process. In addition to that, always check your tone. Love does not demand. Or accuse! It only notes behavior and the impact it has.”
“OUCH! I know that’s true. I can’t shoot an arrow and expect a tender or kind response,” she noted.
Another of my favorite ancient proverbs is:
“When there are many words, wrongdoing is unavoidable. But one who restrains his lips is wise.”
Harness the power of love to consider your words.
3. What are the needs of the other at an unfortunate moment? And what can you do to meet them?
One of the things the power of love helps us do is to look beyond the moment and assess the need of the other person. And meet that need whenever possible.
I asked the husband, “What do you think was going on with her when she accused you?”
He looked as if I had asked him to recite the first state of the union address.
“Well, she was accusing me of being married to my cell phone. So, I guess she was irritated,” he said.
I responded: “Perhaps. But let’s go a little deeper.”
“Saying that ‘you were married to your cell phone’ sounds to me like there was more than irritation going on?” I suggested.
“Maybe?” he muttered as he glanced at her.
I intervened because I could see she was very happy to respond. “Wait! First, I want I you to go there and guess. What do you think she needed at that moment? “
“Well… maybe…my attention?” he guessed.
“What else? What did she need?” I prodded.
“My love?” he guessed again.
This time she exploded with: “Yes! Yes! YES! I beg for your love all of the time, that’s what I want more than anything in the world!”
As I explained to him…if we take the time to guess the need of the other, even if we are wrong, the power of love has intervened.
Will you allow the power of love to intervene and to help you see the need of the one you love?
******
We are entering into a holiday season. What a beautiful time of year to allow the power of love to intervene.
With us.
In us.
Through us.
Who in your life needs the power of love?
I can answer that for you…everyone you know!
Start with your spouse, expand to your kids, then to friends, then to coworkers…
Let it begin with you!
What does this power of love look like?
It looks like:
Patience.
Kindness.
No envy.
No arrogance.
No selfishness.
No rudeness.
Yields your desires in preference of others.
Not irritable.
No grudges.
Hardly notices when others do it wrong.
Rejoices in the truth.
Very loyal.
Believes in the other.
Expects the best of the other.
Always defends and protects the other.
That’s the power of love!
Pour it out!
