“I had been so traumatized from living with addiction that I was certain that a little motivational seminar was not for me.”
Living with or around someone struggling with an addiction is indeed traumatizing.
It’s the unpredictable.
It’s like living with two people.
The one you know.
And the one you never know … from one moment to the next.
Addiction, for the addict and the victim, make life unpredictable.
Chaos begats chaos. The unpredictable creates traumatic behaviors for all trying to find a sense of safety. There’s never lasting peace.
Whether it’s an addiction to a substance (alcohol, drugs, nicotine, sugar. etc.) or a process (gambling, porn, video gaming, etc.) … all addictions traumatize those that live with and/or around them.
Not only that, but it can lead to complex trauma. The debilitating stress and unpredictability of living with an addict can cause major health and mental health issues.
Making functioning difficult (at best) on a daily basis.
An addict views themselves in shades of gray. You, on the other hand, see them in black and white.
They justify and explain. You cope. Or at least try to.
That’s no way to live. That’s not living at all!
That’s traumatic!
An addict is untreatable as long as they espouse any form of denial.
Research indicates that one in 8 children suffer from trauma due to witnessing addiction in at least one parent.
Other research indicates that at least 80% of partners of addicts experience trauma as the result of the dysfunctional patterns that accompany addiction.
In my mind, it’s time to stop calling the partners and spouses of addicts, ‘enablers’. And time to be a hand of healing outstretched for the trauma they have experienced.
Certainly, part of their healing process is to recognize enabling behaviors.
However, just calling them ‘enablers’ and expecting them to ‘man up’ when they’re drowning in trauma, is simply more of the same insanity they have already experienced at the hand of addiction.
What does that trauma look like in the partner/spouse of an addict?
- Dysregulation
- Shut down emotions
- Depression and/or anxiety
- Loss of confidence
- Loss of esteem
- Loss of sense of self
- Stress induced diseases (such as neurological disorders, autoimmune disorders, inflammatory disorders, digestive disorders, chronic headaches, often migraines, sleep disorders, eating disorders, etc.)
- Isolation
- Feelings of worthlessness
- Feelings of extreme shame and guilt
- Heightened reactivity
- Overwhelming feelings of defeat
- Hopelessness
- Brain fog
And this is the short list!
The trauma of living with an addict has also been associated with brain changes in the amygdala, hippocampus, and prefrontal cortex.
These areas of the brain are responsible for our feelings, decisions, and choices.
They also play significant roles in our ability to experience clear thinking, healthy decision-making, and keen memory.
All these skills have been found to be significantly decreased in those traumatized by living with an addict.
I believe that one of the most critical parts of healing for someone traumatized from living with addiction is helping those who were traumatized to find their purpose.
This week, I’m sharing the story of someone who had indeed been traumatized from years of being married to an addict. And how finding her purpose turned her trauma into healing, and her despair and tears … in to joy.
1. What was your trauma?
“I think I grew up in fairly good home.”
“My mom was a devoted mom, and her goal was always to give us what she never had.”
“She was attentive, made sure we got to be involved in all the activities we wanted to be involved in, and was usually quite fun.”
“My dad on the other hand was a mystery. He made lots of money but was gone a lot. It seemed like no one knew or cared where he was.”
“When he was home, everyone was uptight. He was short fused and unpredictable. Unless we had company, or the neighbors were around. Then he was the life of the party.”
“He could tell great stories, capturing an audience.”
“Looking back, I’m pretty sure he was a binge drinker.”
“It wasn’t like he always had a beer or a wine glass in his hands. But when he had one, it was from morning till evening. Until he passed out.”
“Then we all knew we needed to be on our P’s and Q’s.”
“By the time I left home, it was a real dilemma for me. At college, I made lots of friends and had plenty of good times. I missed my mother terribly, but it wasn’t worth putting up with my dad to go home and visit.”
“By the time I graduated, my mom and dad had divorced. He no showed for my graduation ceremony.”
“I was so worried about my mom. I went back to the university near our home to complete my master’s degree.”
“She and I lived together, and it was a great arrangement … for both of us! At least … I hope it was for mom too. It was definitely good for ‘me’. I’d been teaching while I worked on my master’s degree in education administration.”
“She helped with my classroom decor and really took care of me while I worked full-time and did graduate school work.”
“Right after I earned my master’s degree, she was diagnosed with cancer. Within a year she was gone, and I was devastated.”
“Perhaps my loneliness kicked in, because within a year, I’d married the head coach of our state champion football team.”
“We had a good couple of years, and by our seventh anniversary, we had three children.”
“Perhaps it was the pressure of parenthood. Or maybe the disillusionment of two years of a losing team. Followed by losing his head coach position.”
“Fun evenings of kids, soccer games, family activities, and church involvement turned into drunk fests.”
“Each weekend seemed to be worse than the one before.”
“All of a sudden, I was a single mom … doing soccer games, fun, activities, and church activities by myself with the kids. While he nurtured a bottle.”
“I begged, I tried interventions, I tried loving him more. I tried reasoning with him, I tried to get him to get help.”
“But each time, I was assured that he only drank because of me. And I was the crazy one. And of course, that he did not have a problem with drinking.”
“It went on for years.”
“He lost one job after another. Often not working for an entire year.”
“By then I was a high school principal, but I had also taken on private tutoring work to keep the kids activities paid for.”
“I was tired and saw no hope for anything ever changing.”
“Finally, after the second DUI, I knew I had to stop the insanity. For my sake, and for the kids’ sakes.”
“I had filed for divorce, and was paralyzed by the shame of divorce and my failure at marriage.”
Reading this … you may be wondering: Hope for someone we love, should never run dry, right?
Wrong.
Along with this draining truth, we also have to deal with the shame that always comes calling again.
But let’s call it what it is. An imposter of guilt!
Generated by someone else’s choice to ignore the storylines that they inscribed into our lives.
Ignoring their responsibility that they authored every chapter of random unpredictability!
Why?
Because they refuse to see what everyone in their lives knows is the truth about them.
The minute anyone stands up to the addict is the minute the addict must begin to think on their own. Propped up only by their selfish desire to isolate from being present in any moment except the one they want.
Then, and only then, will the aloneness they crave, truly … become a deep loneliness. We must let them feel it, taste it, hear it, smell it, see it, be it!
That’s when truth shows up. And truth cannot be ignored. It’s surrender or living to be average or usually … below average.
Purpose is always second place to the pain, and they do what they want to do to be able to ignore that pain.
That’s addiction. That’s their purpose.
She continued her story: “Therefore, when I got invited to the Power of Purpose, I knew that a little motivational seminar would not help me out of the place I was in.”
“But my friend hounded me, so I went.”
2. What is your purpose?
“I arrived exhausted, not really expecting anything significant, but my friend was so excited that I was there with her.”
“It wasn’t like the boring (sit-and-listen-all-day) workshops that I was accustomed to as an educator.”
“The truth is, I did more exercise that first morning than I’d done in the past month! When we had to get up and move around, I cooperated. And to be honest, by about the second time … I kind of liked it.”
“I think what you said during the ‘Movie of Your Life’ was something I really needed to hear.”
“You talked about how that no matter what we’d accomplished or not, no matter how many mistakes we’d made … that we each had a unique and very important purpose.”
“I remember thinking … but does she know I failed in my marriage, and failed my kids?”
“Then, as if you had been reading my mind, you said, ‘What has happened to you in this life does not define who you are’.”
“Then you listed things:
- ‘Your level of education or lack of … does not define you.
- A happy marriage or a failed marriage … does not define you.
- Your career accomplishments or lack of … do not define you.’
What defines you is your purpose.”
“I had enjoyed the first purpose writing exercise.”
“But after you said that the second one was even more powerful for me. Compiling answers to other questions to further focus in on my purpose really got my curiosity going.”
“By the time we got to the final purpose exercise I had no clue. But after that eye-to-eye exercise, something in me had dropped to a deeper place.”
“I didn’t really want to go to that place.”
“It had been a very dark place in my life. But during that I exercise, I actually saw a ray or two of hope.”
“By the time you instructed us to return to our seats, pick up our books, and write the letter, I just trusted you when you said our purpose would pour out of us.”
“What poured out of me?”
“My purpose is open to help women educators going through divorce to recover quickly for their sake, for the sake of their children, and for the children they serve in the educational system.”
“I knew that was right. I knew that’s what I had needed (that I could not find for myself).”
“I knew that doing that would affect thousands of children under their care, as well as them as beautiful human beings. They deserve that, their children at home deserved it, and the children in their classrooms deserved it.”
“That was a pivotal turning point in my life!”
I never tire of watching those who suffer indescribable loss,
make their first move towards healing.
Scared. Timid. Shy.
They take step one.
It always happens.
Life finds them.
Light fills them … I believe it’s God’s love.
They become their uniquely gifted selves again.
They like what they find.
And …
Purpose found!
Purpose revived!
There’s nothing else quite like it!
3. What difference has finding my purpose made in my life?
“May I just say that it’s made a world of difference!”
“First, and most importantly to me, my kids got their fun mom back.”
“One was already in college, but the 4 of us were getting together as often as possible … doing the fun things that I’d envisioned we’d be doing as they became teenagers.”
“A trip to Disney World. A cruise. Going to the concert of artists they loved.”
“I began doing seminars for female educators, going through the trauma of divorce.”
“I expanded it into quarterly weekend getaway retreats for healing.”
“I decided to further my education and get my PhD in psychology. I wanted to understand more about healing to expand my reach.”
“My seminars and retreats continued to grow. I met a man in church and ended up marrying him.”
“What a blessing! He was already doing men’s retreats, so we decided to add a track to my women’s retreats and his men’s retreats … and do preventive workshops for couples in trouble.”
“We are both living our purpose, helping people heal, and preventing many divorces in our marriage retreats.”
“Each time I complete one of my seminars, retreats, or our marriage workshops … I think of the people that may not have been helped had I not come to that ‘little motivational seminar’ that I didn’t think I needed!”
“What would I say to your audience?”
“First of all, if you are or have been married to an addict, find your purpose! It will begin to heal the trauma. Don’t get stuck in your grief and trauma. Find a way forward, then use your healing process to extend healing to others!”
*****
People who I’ve watched change their lives and discover real purpose, have 3 things in common.
- They need to.
- They decide to.
- They trust the unknown.
We find purpose when we set aside our angst for the reasons and judgements that brought us to this juncture in life.
We find purpose when we no longer consider it a selfish thing. After knowing we’ve done our best to forgive and make peace with our past and all who shared it.
We find purpose.
We listen for the wisdom and insight that trigger hope, direction, and affirmation in us for this season of life.
These are the beginnings of your purpose finding you and you finding your purpose!
There’s nothing else as fulfilling!
For more info on the Power of Purpose, click here: https://bit.ly/ThePowerOfFindingMyPurpose
