“I never believed I could become much of anything or do much of anything of value. I grew up believing ‘good for nothing’ was my middle name! Guess you could say it annihilated my self-confidence and self-esteem.”
Self-esteem and self-confidence are an ongoing struggle for so many people.
Particularly in a culture where appearance, financial status, and fame are mistaken as the key markers of self-confidence and self-esteem.
I’ve worked with both sides of this dilemma.
One side is where people try to achieve these things … in order to gain self-esteem and self-confidence.
They believe they cannot have it without high marks in these regards.
The other side of the coin is those who already have great appearance, good financial status, and are at least somewhat noteworthy in their careers.
Yet they still are void of self-esteem and self-confidence.
I’ve worked with many professional athletes and celebrities who (after their time in the spotlight) feel they’ve lost their self-esteem and/or self-confidence.
Yet when investigating further, it’s quite often identified that they didn’t have it in their prime either.
I’ve seen this quite pronounced in the Christian artistry world.
Russ Taff is a great example. In the 70s and 80s, he was an icon with his powerful voice and tremendous ability to move audiences.
As demonstrated in two of his powerful video testimonials, even in the heights of his fame and influence, he used alcohol to cope with his trauma, lack of self-esteem, and lack of self-confidence. (https://youtu.be/fpHdjcCfrSg?si=r6Nr7MqdWkqQ0jOr)
When he won Dove awards and Grammy awards, he would leave the ceremonies sad.
And tell his wife, Tori, that he did not deserve the awards.
Another great story of a Christian artistry from the same eras is a story I know well. The story of Jeoffrey Benward of Aaron Jeoffrey. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jZVGuVgTgaw&pp=ygUfYWFyb24gamVvZmZyZXkgaSBnbyB0byB0aGUgcm9jaw%3D%3D)
He tells a story of feeling such a lack of esteem and confidence, that when invited to Bill Gaither’s barbecue, he did not attend because he felt he did not belong there.
He was void of the self-esteem and self-confidence that his strikingly handsome appearance, his great financial success as a Christian artist, and being #1 on the Christian charts did not provide.
Just as is true for the man whose story I’m sharing this week, both Russ Taff and Jeoffrey Benward had something in common: unresolved childhood trauma, resulting in lack of self-esteem and self-confidence.
No matter how bright the light gets on the outside, it can never burn bright enough to shine through the unresolved unhealed darkness of trauma within.
As I’ve shared over the past weeks, finding purpose is one of the great healers of trauma.
But in addition, along with purpose comes great and healthy self-esteem and self-confidence.
That’s why I’m sharing one courageous man’s story of trauma, loss of self-esteem, and self-confidence this week.
1. What was your trauma?
“I didn’t know it was trauma. I just thought we were just an average American family.”
“I did notice when I went to friends’ homes that things were different there. But I didn’t have words for it like I do now. Now I say that you needed a chainsaw to cut the anger, animosity, and general negativity about everything when you walked in our door.”
“When we dared to enter the room when my mom was sprawled out on the couch, with her cigarette, watching her series … the common reaction was ‘What the hell do you want’?”
“My dad worked on oil rigs, so he was gone for a week or two at a time, and then home for a week. He hated being home. He hated my mom. He hated us kids. It felt like he hated everything about life.”
“Until the first couple of beers. If you could catch him between one and two, and when he was working on #3, you might be OK to ask for something.”
“Before the beer, he hated everyone and everything. Somewhere after three, he was just a mean son of a gun! And he would rather backhand you across the room than to answer your question.”
“When I asked to play sports, I thought I had caught him at the right moment. But he threw back his head in laughter and proclaimed: ‘Boy, you can’t even walk good. I wouldn’t want you to embarrass me playing sports’.”
“When I asked if I could take guitar lessons, he railed out: ‘I’m not gonna have some sissy ass boy sitting in my house, playing a guitar while I’m out working hard’!”
“When he was home, my mom would come into my room at night and tell me how awful her life was because of him. If I agreed, she would slap me for being disrespectful to my dad. If I disagreed, she would slap me for not loving her. If I remained silent, she would go on for hours.”
“When I escaped that hellhole, I know I was ‘good for nothing’ because I’d heard it my whole life.”
“I got a job working in a sawmill, and moved out when I got my first paycheck.”
“I’d never dated because I knew no girl would want to go out with a ‘good for nothing’ guy.”
“I settled into working hard, coming home, and popping the top on my first beer. Then another. And another.”
“I didn’t raise any hell, I didn’t get in trouble, and no, I never drove drunk. It’s no wonder that I never thought I had an alcohol use disorder.”
“I got in a freak accident at the mill and ended up breaking both of my legs. They took me to the hospital in an ambulance.”
“Due to the need for multiple surgeries, and an ensuing infection, I ended up being there for quite some time.”
“I didn’t know that having the shakes was a dead giveaway that I was in withdrawals.”
“There was one sweet nurse that would talk to me with such a kind voice. That night, while changing my dressing on my leg, she asked quietly: ‘How many drinks or beers do you have every day’?”
“Oh, I don’t know I told her. Why do you ask?”
“I’ll never forget what she said to me: ‘You are in withdrawal. A nice, strong man like you should not be drinking as much as you do’.”
“There was no judgment in her voice. And I remembered what she said through the night.”
“Long story short, every interaction with her meant something to me. I actually missed her on her days off.”
“When I finally got to go home, I wheeled myself to the refrigerator to pop a top!”
“When I reached in and got the beer, her words resonated in my mind. I’m not sure why, but for some reason, I popped all the tops and poured them down the sink.”
“My last beer was the night before my accident. That accident was a defining moment!”
“Because she stayed on my mind, once I was walking again … after weeks of physical therapy… I thought I’d go up to the unit and thank all the nice people. Secretly hoping she’d be there.”
“She wasn’t, but it was good to see everyone who had been so crucial to my care. “
“I decided to do something very unusual for me and to leave her a note. I wrote: ‘Carly, thank you for all you did for me while I was here. If I can ever do anything for you, please let me know.’ Then I signed my name and made myself write my phone number beneath.”
“I think it was about 10 days later when she called. She left a voice message that said: ‘This is Carly, hoping you’re doing well’!”
“That’s all I needed, and the rest is history.”
2. What is your purpose?
“We had been out for dinner and movies several times. I asked her to go on a hike and picnic in a couple of Saturdays. But she was busy.”
“She asked for a rain check because she’d already planned to attend a workshop. I asked her about it, and she told me about the Power of Purpose.”
“It sounded interesting.”
“She called me the next day and said that she had checked, and there was still room in the workshop if I would like to go. I was delighted to do anything where I got to spend a whole day with her.”
“I’ve never been to anything like that, so I had no idea what to expect. But I sure didn’t expect to walk into a room with many circles of chairs. And fun music.”
“When you put us in our group selection process, I grabbed her hand without hesitation, and it seemed like we got into a pretty good group of folks.”
“I admit that I was disappointed when you said we could be in the same group, but not partners. But I could live with that because I got to sit by her all day long.”
“When we were doing the exercise where we were asked to share in our group about what we deserved a gold medal for in our life … when it came my turn, all I could think of that I deserved a gold medal for being the best ‘good for nothing’ ever!”
“Although she was a pretty quiet and shy gal, she chimed right in and said: ‘You deserve a gold medal for the courage and strength to recover from two broken legs, along with some serious infections’.”
“I was taken aback. I’m not sure anyone had ever said anything that nice to me or about me in my entire life.”
“But the purpose thing? I still couldn’t wrap my mind around how somebody that was a ‘good for nothing’ could possibly have a purpose.”
“But I did like those exercises that you gave us to write about purpose. It made me think of life differently. To be honest, I think it made me look at myself differently.”
“It was in that ‘Movie of Your Life’ thing I realized that I’d been branded as something and someone who was ‘good for nothing’, and that the branding was not necessarily true.”
“I began to wonder what I could do to create a life that actually had some meaning to it.”
“Just like you said, when we got to the end of that eye-to-eye exercise and sat down to write the letter … thoughts that I’d never really considered before … began pouring out of me.”
“I remembered that you had said during the ‘Movie of My Life’ that sometimes our purpose pours out from what was once the thing that most imprisoned us.”
“In that moment, I realized that prior to my encounter with Carly, I was very quickly becoming my dad with my drinking and my living habits. Dear God … I was so ashamed!”
“What poured out of me?”
“My purpose is:
Helping those who drink to realize that they are worth something, and that finding their purpose will help them develop the self-confidence and self-esteem that they could not find in the bottle … or anywhere else!”
3. What difference has finding your purpose made in your life?
“Well, let me start with that moment when my purpose came to me…”
“I felt such a surge of self-confidence and self-esteem as I wrote … that I wanted to drop down on one knee and ask her to marry me.”
“But I didn’t have a ring (because it had never crossed my mind that she might marry me). Within three months, I went down on that knee with a ring.”
“She said yes!”
“We now have a son and a daughter, and they are the greatest joys and blessings in my life!”
“I can promise you that if you need a chainsaw when you walk in our door, it would only be to cut through the joy, the peace, and the laughter that we all share on a daily basis!”
“The purpose she found that day was to help people who had been given poor prognoses, bad diagnoses, or little hope by the medical world … to find the faith, belief, and alternative treatments to overcome and heal!”
“She has a foundation that does just that and my online forum for helping people believe they are ‘good for something’ … and don’t need any substance to know that … is growing rapidly!”
“I never dreamed my life could turn out this way. That a ‘good for nothing’ guy could find purpose, find the wife of his dreams, and have two of the most amazing children in the world!”
“Most days, I feel like I need to pinch myself to believe that this is actually my life!”
“Sure, we have our difficult moments. But we’ve worked hard to know how to get through those moments quickly and return to the deep love we have for one another.”
“Actually, when we attended your marriage seminar years after the Power of Purpose, we really understood that challenges and frustrations are the keys to intimacy. And we work those steps you gave us faithfully, and our intimacy and connection grows continually!”
“What would I say to your audience?”
“Don’t allow what unknowing or even well-meaning people branded you with to determine your choices, your future, and your life! Find your purpose, live it every day, and expect your self-confidence and self-esteem to grow in ways that fame, fun, or funds cannot provide!”
****
Self-esteem and self-confidence are two of the foundational pieces for a rich and fulfilling life.
They do not come with appearance.
I’m a big believer that we should take care of our bodies, and plan to always present our very best selves at home and out in the world.
They do not come with financial status.
I believe that we’ve been promised an abundant life.
Abundance in health, relationships, and finances.
But none of those riches alone provide self-confidence and self-esteem.
They do not come with fame or notoriety.
I believe we should all desire to contribute something that makes the world a better place.
However, fame or notoriety that comes with that is not what boosts our self-esteem and or self-confidence.
Where does it come from?
From within.
From finding our purpose.
From living our purpose.
Nothing from outside of us can ever fill what’s missing from within.
If you find you need a boost in your self-confidence or self-esteem, I hope you will take the time to discover your purpose!
For more information on the Power of Purpose, click here:
