“Although I’m highly successful in my field, I noticed that after about two years of taking companies to great heights … that same old emotional intoxication shows up!”
I nodded with understanding.
“And now that I’ve been sober for almost 5 years, I guess I just thought the emotional sobriety would catch up with my alcohol sobriety?”
I smiled as I said, “You’re not alone in this … I think we all think that somehow emotional sobriety will just show up and crawl up in our lap!”
She saw the humor in it and added, “Well the tooth fairy always showed up every time I lost a tooth … so I guess I think the emotional sobriety fairy should just show up every time I get upset!”
“Wouldn’t that be lovely,” I validated!
I’ve been working with addicts for over 30 years. I would say that over 90% of them stated to me at one time or another that their emotional sobriety journey was much more difficult than laying down the substance or process they were addicted to.
(From my AA friend … “We all came to this place prewired. The only way any alcoholic can find and live in lasting change, is to commit to doing whatever it takes to rewire ourselves. Because we used to arrive at addiction is the same wiring that’ll keep us coming back to our addiction. That old wiring doesn’t work and that’s why … Step 6 says: “Were entirely ready to have God remove any defects of character.” That is so vital for sobriety. Our character IS our wiring, and our wiring IS our character!”)
Addicts also say what I believe … and that is that emotional Intoxication, (better known as chaos and drama), is an addictive process of its own!
If you don’t believe me, tell me one TV series or news channel that doesn’t place the selling of drama first and foremost in their broadcasts … there’s none! They KNOW it creates an audience and that it IS addictive.
We now have an entire culture addicted to drama.
It is why I emphasize again and again that the journey toward emotional sobriety is not just for addicts.
Most people addicted to drama and chaos do not consider themselves addicts. But their wiring proves otherwise.
It’s not nearly as important to me to get them to say that they’re an addict … as it is for me to get them to emotional sobriety … whatever it takes!
When drama of any kind is our first reaction, we risk the task and/or the goal taking way too much time or simply vanishing.
For the past couple of weeks, I’ve been sharing about this journey toward emotional sobriety.
This week I’ll continue that journey with you.
This week I’ll share the steps that I shared with my client.
I believe it’s one of the most important journeys that any of us can take.
Why?
Because the onset of social media, smart phones, screens everywhere … have planted seeds of addiction to drama, chaos, and over reactions.
Let me remind you that emotional sobriety comes with tons of benefits, including…
- Better mental health (evidenced by less depression and anxiety)
- Quality decisions
- Greater creativity
- More fun
- More laughter
- Great relationship satisfaction
- Greater trust
- Higher levels of respect
- Better conflict management skills
- Many more
Now let’s take more steps to get to that much desired emotional sobriety.
1. Challenge your toxic inner voices.
Recently on a walk, I saw someone wearing a T-shirt that made me laugh. It said, “This is my circus! And my monkeys will bite you on the *ss!”
Here’s one thing that research has shown us about the brain during emotional intoxication. Brain centers light up everywhere. Almost like a neon light show. Here, there, everywhere.
A lot like a three-ring circus! We know what accompanies the circus is a plethora of toxic chatter (monkeys).
Toxic chatter about:
- Ourselves.
- Everyone else.
- Everything that has ever happened.
- Whatever is happening now.
- Dramatic musings about what will happen in the future.
This is not peaceful or calming chatter. It is negative and often self-destructive.
(From my AA friend, “Resentment is the number one killer of any alcoholic’s sobriety. You hear this often at meetings, “Whatever you do … stay out of your head.” Our addiction wired us to victim thinking and the only way for us to make that feel better or not matter, is to drink. Which, as science now proves, only drives that wiring deeper into our brains and what drives us harder to medicateit and silence it.)
It goes on day and night, night and day.
To achieve emotional sobriety, we must stop this horrible chatter that runs on auto loop.
My client commented, “It’s interesting. At the beginning of a new project, I think it’s minimal for me. Maybe the excitement of the challenge produces enough dopamine to wipe some of that out.”
She paused, gathered her thoughts, and proceeded on.
“But the longer I’m there, the louder it gets! Everything from … me being an impostor, and not knowing enough to help this company … to what fools they have at the helm!”
I nodded with understanding as I commented, “Makes total sense why you start looking for new projects!”
She continued.
“If it just affected the projects, I wouldn’t care so much. But it’s about that same time that my relationships (and now my marriage) start going south. And that I’m definitely tired of that! As is my husband!”
“I bet you are indeed,” I responded! “So, let’s do something about it!”
“I’m ready,” She commented resolutely!
“Are you ready to challenge the chatter,” I asked?
She paused a moment as I waited.
“I would like to say, ‘Of course I am’! But I’m not even sure I’m that tuned into it! It just happens …”
“That’s the first step,” I commented … “To become aware of it!”
I’d like for you to do what I had her do:
- At the end of the day, note and write down a minimum of three (and preferably 10) incidences of chatter from the day.
- Start with those personal attacks on yourself. (Like my client’s imposter syndrome chatter.)
- Next, evaluate the chatter content by asking yourself these questions:
* Is it true?
* Is it beneficial, inspiring, or uplifting?
* What is it setting my RAS (reticular activating system) to do?
(More on that below)
- Then grab a journal, or your laptop.
- If it’s true, see if there’s a nugget of personal growth in it. (Make note if there is.)
- If it’s not true, write a quick note to it, to challenge the chatter message.
- Ask yourself if it’s beneficial, inspiring, or uplifting? Likely it’ll not be inspiring or uplifting.
- Write a note to it. (Like my client wrote a note to the chatter about her imposter syndrome, for example.)
- Tell it that you have no room and no space in your brain for anything that does not inspire you or propel you toward the greatness in you.
- Finally, remember that your RAS (reticular activating system) is your Google search engine. If you entertain the negative, it looks for more of the same. Take a moment and reset your reticular activating system with something that propels you in the direction you desire to go with your life.
(For example, with my client’s imposter syndrome chatter, she reset her reticular activating system by telling it that she had had many wins, and I had her list those out.)
Challenging the chatter should be something that you address every evening for the next several weeks. Answering the questions and addressing the chatter.
“Giving in to negative and disorienting self-talk—called ‘chatter’—can tank our health, sink our moods, strain our social connections, and cause us to fold under pressure … but the good news is that we’re already equipped with the tools we need to make our inner voice work in our favor.” Dr.Ezequiel Morsella
2. Drain the ‘shame’ swamp.
In order for emotional intoxication to continue, there must be a swamp of shame to fuel it.
Just that one sentence brought an epiphany moment to my client.
She gasped for breath, as if she’d been knocked to the ground on her back, with the wind clearly being knocked out of her.
I waited while she processed. “I cannot believe what you just said, can you say it again?”
I waited a moment and encouraged her to breathe.
“In order for emotional intoxication to continue, there must be a swamp of shame to fuel it.”
I gave her another moment to process because clearly there was a real churning occurring in her brain, mind, and spirit.
She continued.
“My whole life was about shame.”
She paused to breathe and process more.
“My parents were good people. Salt of the Earth.”
She was still processing…
“They found God in the Jesus movement and went from druggies to religion in one split second.”
“They did all the right things. They stopped the drugs and the drinking. They got married after years of living together.”
She paused and I knew this was big.
“The pendulum swung and got stuck on the religion side. They had kids. And we all grew up in the shame of all the ‘Thou shalt nots!’…
We were shamed for dancing, we were shamed for having too much fun, we were shamed for listening to country music, we were shamed for not being perfect, we were shamed for reading anything but the Bible. The list was endless …”
I waited.
“By the time I was a teenager, the pendulum had swung back. I was having sex way too early, drinking alcohol, and smoking pot in junior high school. I was a wild child trying to swim out of the swamp of shame.”
“I’m not a bad person. I came back to Christ as a young adult. But never wanted to swing to their extreme. I was still drowning in shame. So, I let myself dance, listen to country music … and drink some.”
(From my AA friend … “This is not an exaggeration … the rooms of AA are full of former active fundamental/evangelical people. Their experience was that of living under the shadow of a God that rendered nothing but shame over their lives and their uniqueness. When they drank, they were finally at home within themselves … wiring them to life of craving more of that, and chasing that feeling.”)
As if she’d been in a trance, and had suddenly come to her senses, she looked at me and demanded, “I know you go to church, because I’ve seen you there. I hope you’re not going to tell me I’m going to hell for dancing, and listening to country music?”
I could see that my response needed to be carefully considered.
“Obviously you don’t dance at the places I dance, or you would not have asked the question!”
She giggled and went back into her self-imposed trance of remembering.
“I didn’t really like drinking, but I just wanted to make sure I didn’t become overly religious. That shame was awful. It made me want to die, but I was convinced I was going to hell and didn’t want to rush my trip there …”
“Then as my career grew, drinking brought me relief from the stress. Several years ago, I decided to lay that down. But, obviously the swamp of shame is alive and well and continues to fuel my emotional intoxication at about 100 mph!”
After another pause, she looked up with the expression of a little girl and asked with sincere curiosity: “Can the swamp ever be drained? And if so … how?”
I admired her honesty and courage to address the shame and its roots.
“You’ve just completed over 50% of the battle by identifying and acknowledging it. In essence, you pulled the plug, but often the sludge will keep just enough shame in the swamp to keep it fueling our emotional drunkenness at least at low level.”
With pleading enthusiasm she said, “Then let’s clean out the sludge!”
I hope you’ll acknowledge your swamp of shame and tell yourself the truth about it as your first powerful step in draining the swamp.
But now let’s address the sludge …
Shame is based in your beliefs about who you are.
And usually those aren’t original with you.
They’re beliefs about you that were planted in your mind and heart as a child by family, teachers, coaches, caregivers, etc.
Here is how you begin to clear out the sludge:
- Acknowledge the truth about who you are.
- Make a list of the qualities and characteristics that you are proud of.
- Be grateful for them.
- Make note of the qualities and characteristics that you would like to improve in yourself.
- Determine to address them daily until they transform into things you can be proud of.
- Read this list of qualities and characteristics aloud daily for the next three months.
All sludge will be gone!
“Toxically shamed people tend to become more and more stagnant as life goes on. They live in a guarded, secretive, and defensive way. They try to be more than human (perfect and controlling) or less than human (losing interest in life or stagnated in some addictive behavior).
A person with internalized shame believes he is inherently flawed, inferior, and defective. Such a feeling is so painful that defending scripts (or strategies) are developed to cover it up. These scripts are the roots of violence, criminality, war and all forms of addiction.”
Dr. John Bradshaw
3. Determine in your mind and heart to live without self-sabotage.
“I have a really bad feeling that this one applies to me, but before I confess it, maybe I should hear your definition?”
I knew it was half rhetorical, but I obliged.
“I call self-sabotage anytime things are peaceful and calm, and we get a little bit bored… so we do something to create a little drama….”
“Yep! That’s me,” She declared as she rolled her eyes at herself!
“But I don’t think I do it consciously…” she replied.
I affirmed: “Most of us don’t do it consciously…”
“But we can’t just ‘be’! There must be music playing, news on, storytelling happening … something stimulating … almost anything will do … we can’t just be … and we’re willing to sabotage ourselves to accomplish that,” I explained.
‘
She broke in, “Like yesterday. I had done all the crucial things on my list at the office and was thinking of winding down.”
She grinned and shook her head at her own self as she continued.
“So I was thinking about wrapping things up. It even crossed my mind that my husband had asked me to make sure that I got home from the office on time so we would not be late for our dinner reservation.”
“I was feeling a little bit bored, so I picked up a document that needed to be reviewed over the next few days. Before I knew it, I was immersed.”
She paused and continued.
“Not only was I not home on time, but we were already five minutes late for the reservation, and I was still in my office … I must admit now, looking back, that the familiar feeling of chaos erupted in me when I noted the time.”
“I sent my text apology, as I grabbed my purse and ran for the elevator.”
“The ride to the restaurant was severely quiet. Not only had I messed up his surprise of taking me to one of my favorite restaurants, but by the time we arrived, they had canceled our reservation.”
“All totally unnecessary,” she noted!
“He was very upset with me… and rightfully so! Yet before I caught myself, I was starring in the victim role of how hard I work…”
“But believe it or not, I have learned something in this process. I recognized my defensive behavior, and sincerely apologized.”
“But how do I stop that self-sabotage?”
I joined the conversation with, “So glad you asked!”
“When we’ve been over exposed to drama, we’re happy to create it when things get dull,” I shared!
She blurted out, “That sounds crazy! Why in the world would I do that?”
“Because we will do anything to get back to what feels familiar to us,” I responded.
I bet you can probably see moments in yourself when you do the same thing.
I helped her come at this from two directions that I’d like to share with you:
- Make friends with dull boring moments.
When we are addicted to drama and chaos, we consider peace and quiet moments … well … boring.
To address this, be on the lookout for those moments that may seem or “boring”. Press pause and rename them “peaceful and quiet.”
Let’s take back our lives from our subconscious mind, that research now says controls 95% of our waking moments.
Yes, it takes time, attention, and intention.
But when we do, life will progressively change from being controlled by the ‘random’ to being and living in serenity.
Take a moment and be grateful for the moment of peace. Feel it in your body.
- Find positive ways to create adventure.
On the other side of the coin, there is nothing with loving wrong with loving adventure.
But creating unnecessary drama is not productive adventure.
After enjoying a moment of peace, think of a way to create adventure in the moment that is positive and uplifting.
Make someone laugh about something genuinely funny.
Try something new that is not harmful in anyway. (Seeing how many flights of stairs you can walk before your get winded).
When you create productive fun and adventure, the thrill of the negative drama begins to be replaced.
Not only that, but remember … in emotional sobriety, fun and laughter go to an all-time high in our lives.
*************
My client assured me that she was sincerely tired of her dance with emotional intoxication.
I hope you are too.
You are not alone.
Better than 90% of us would do well to address emotional intoxication and to develop emotional sobriety.
It’s far more peaceful and fulfilling. Something we all long for.
By now we all know the wiring in our brains that works and the wiring that doesn’t. Negative habits are hard to break but they’re easy to identify. We know them better than anyone.
But what we must know and accept, is that the neuro-wiring we’ve used up to this point in our life that hasn’t worked, will never work.
The good news is we KNOW we can change it and WHEN we do … it’s changed for good!
Let’s do this and join the ranks of those practicing emotional sobriety and living very fulfilled lives!
