“My wife sent me here again because she said you think I’m an emotional drunk,” my client said as he plopped down in the chair!
I had to laugh. I’d seen him for his problem with alcohol years before.
Seeing him back again and flopping into a chair like he’d been sentenced to our session was funny. But him talking about being emotionally drunk really hit my funny bone.
It was one of those moments when no matter how inappropriate it might have been to laugh, I had tears flowing down my face from laughing so hard.
He wasn’t too amused. “Well, I’m certainly glad I could bring you your daily dose of laughter!”
Once I was able to breathe again, and had wiped the tears of laughter away, I asked him straight out.
“Is she right?”
“I guess so,” he muttered.
With a big grin, I said, “Well help a girl out here … what are you doing that is causing her call you an emotional drunk?”
“Do you want my version or hers?”he asked with a coy expression on his face.
“How about both?” I suggested.
“Well, my version is that I get intense from time to time.”
(By the way, “from time to time” is a dead giveaway that someone is doing something they deem in that light … WAY TOO OFTEN!)
He paused as if he was having to review a long list to continue.
“Hers is … that I’m a drama queen. I react to everything. That my little sighs could blow the house over. That my explicatives when things go south, would embarrass a swearing sailor!”
I nodded, then couldn’t help myself: “Diagnosis is official! Sounds like emotional intoxication to me!”
We both had a good laugh.
He objected with, “I came here because I thought you’d be on my side!”
I said to him what I say to all my clients.
“I do have a side … and it’s always the side of the marriage, and the kids involved!”
He assured me that he had remained clean and sober over the past four or five years since I’d seen him last.
(From my friend in AA … “A dry drunk is the same person just not in charge-mode from the booze. Slightly laid back but still bent towards the same
a**hole antics that get them sideways with those they love and don’t. The ones of us that learn the ‘art of the pause’ learn and see who and what we’ve become and what we need to do to change…those that don’t … drink again.)
I validated that and congratulated him.
“I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but the emotional sobriety journey is sometimes more difficult than the journey to sobriety from any addiction,” I informed him!
Emotional sobriety is not popular. As a matter of fact, everything on social media, Netflix, and other news and sports outlets encourages and supports emotional intoxication.
It seems that the processing of all of life these days, centers around some form or sort of drama. We live in a world addicted to it. Good news is almost never a big hit!
But as I’ve noted in this series, the people with the richest relationships, the greatest mental and physical health, and the most fulfillment are those who learn and practice emotional sobriety.
They focus on living drama free.
I began sharing 3 concepts to get him moving toward emotional sobriety. I’m sharing them with you as well, to wrap up this journey.
Of course, there are many more things that one can do to achieve emotional sobriety. But if you’ve followed the past few weeks, and practiced all of the steps, you should be well on your way!
I will leave you with these 3 things that I began the journey to emotional sobriety with my client with.
“I think that many oldsters who have put our AA ‘booze cure’ to severe but successful tests still find they often lack emotional sobriety. Perhaps they will be the spearhead for the next major development in AA, the development of much more real maturity and balance (which is to say, humility) in our relations with ourselves, with our fellows, and with God.
Those adolescent urges that so many of us have for … top approval, perfect security, and perfect romance urgings are quite appropriate to age seventeen, but prove to be an impossible way of life when we are at age 47 and 57.” Bill W.
1. Pay attention to the stories we tell ourselves and the narratives we create.
“I have a feeling that you’re getting ready to tell me that I make ‘stuff’ up!” my client declared.
“Well … do you?” I asked with innocence.
He nodded sheepishly.
We all do it.
Something happens or doesn’t happen, and we create this huge story about it and have this narrative on auto loop in our brains.
Pause-pause-pause-pause … it works for everybody!
We go way beyond the data.
We add our interpretations.
We add our meanings.
Whatever it takes to make it make sense to us.
The result?
DRAMA!
Because he was having a difficult time assimilating the concept, I shared a story with him.
I told him that when I was in the second grade, I was a big hopscotch-er.
Every chance I got, we would draw on sidewalks or parking lots all the squares to do our fancy hopscotching.
I kept my chalk in my lunch box. But after a day or two of swinging it, there was white dust all over the inside of it.
So, one day when I got home from school, I was washing out my little black lunchbox with the pink Barbie on the front of it to get the chalk dust out.
My dad came to the sink and demanded: “What have you had in your lunchbox that you’re trying to hide?” I knew by his tone I was in big trouble.
I innocently responded, “Chalk dust.”
Apparently, the school had called to tell parents that there was a problem with cinnamon toothpicks in the school.
And that parents should check our backpacks, etc. and confiscate them.
I asked my client, after just knowing that much of the story, “What narrative do you think my dad had created in his mind with those two pieces of data?”
He got it!
I was washing my lunchbox, and my dad knew he should be looking for something … he created a narrative that I was one of the guilty kids with cinnamon toothpicks.
My client had an expression of compassion as he said, “And I bet you had no idea what cinnamon toothpicks were?”
I nodded and exclaimed, “Exactly! And I was severely punished accordingly … for having cinnamon toothpicks, and for lying.”
Those of us who are emotionally intoxicated are especially vulnerable to creating narratives that make sense to us … and never looking back … even when hard facts create other evidence.
I asked my client, “Does that sound familiar?”
“It’s one of the things that my wife complains about most often. When she’s not home at the exact second I think she should be, I create a narrative about who she’s with, or what money she’s spending.”
“And I bet you treat her accordingly without ever checking your narrative out?” I asked.
With shame, he nodded. “And I’m sure she feels berated by my foolishness and accusations just like you did when you were a little girl.”
After a moment of reflection, he asked, “How do I change that?”
I responded, “It’s not easy, but it’s also not rocket science.”
I continued: “Begin to pay attention to the stories your hippocampus in your brain narrates to you BEFORE you react to it. It’s that old ‘press pause’ thing,”
“Yea, I get it. I don’t do that ‘press pause thing’ well. But it’s time!”
I think you will find that studying the narratives being formed in your brain before you speak or react is a great exercise for all of us.
Peace comes down to something this complex and this simple … do I react or do I pause … and think … and then speak … or not!
It will be a giant step toward emotional sobriety.
“Being emotionally sober simply means that you’re comfortable being present with all of your feelings without any one of them defining or controlling you.” Waypoint Recovery
2. Practice balancing the emotional seesaw.
Did you ever play on a seesaw or teeter totter when you were a child?
Stepping on to the end of it that is on the ground, walking up to the middle, and trying to stand there and keep it in perfect balance?
“Oh, we just walked from the end to the middle, then slammed the other end to the ground,” My client shared with a sparkle in his eye as he remembered!
“Well, maybe that’s why you have a difficult time balancing your emotional seesaw,” I commented with a grin!
I shared with him how we had contests with that … where we would do two of us at the same time, one on each of the two seesaws … BLINDFOLDED!
He accused … with fun, “You probably won! And that’s why you don’t have any trouble balancing your emotional seesaw!”
I laughed, but also confessed that I had to learn it just like he would need to. But having that for a model in my brain helped me significantly.
I learned and suggested that he practice it … That anytime he felt that emotion … to not stay at the end on the ground, not slam the other end. But instead to walk to the middle, look at the extreme of the emotion on either end.
Then to only respond from the place of complete balance.
“You know, I think that one thing right there could save our relationship,” he exclaimed with hope!
“I tend to either start where I am with the emotion and stay right there … out of balance. Or run up the seesaw and smash everyone with my emotions by slamming the other side down.”
I validated his courage to be honest.
“The truth is, it’s a way to control our lives, and to control others,” I said and continued. “Not from a place of wanting to be a ‘king tut’ of sorts. But from a place of knowing we would not be surprised or caught off guard.”
He nodded with understanding.
“Cultivating emotional balance empowers you to respond effectively to life’s challenges and make better decisions. And even research supports the significance of emotional balance for overall well-being. A 2003 study found that individuals who practiced emotional regulation experienced more positive emotions and had better overall well-being.” Dr. Caroline Leaf
3. Learn to diffuse distressing emotions.
“Oh, my goodness … and I’m sure you’re going to say that spewing them out isn’t the same as diffusing them?” he asked with a bit of distress.
“EXACTLY,” I confirmed!
“Diffusing means that you’re releasing in a manner that no one notices.”
I leaned in a bit and said, “You mentioned earlier that your wife had noted that your sighs could blow the house down. Now that’s spewing,” I informed him!
I could tell he was listening as I went on.
“Instead, you could take in a deep breath quietly, and let it out very slowly so that no one would notice. And even if they did, it would still feel like you were diffusing it!”
He paused and took all that in. Then could hardly help himself, “I’m pretty good at revving it up … so I guess if I could put that in reverse, I’d be okay.”
I assured him, “And if you could bottle that … you’d be a gazillionaire!”
Then I challenged him.
“Truly … let’s walk it backward. Share with me a ‘rev-up’ moments … then let’s take it backwards.”
“Well, I could choose a thousand of them … but my wife would love for you to solve this one!”
“She asked me last weekend if I would help her put together a desk. I’m sure I sighed in a way that would’ve blown the house down … First I tried to find other things that had to be done. Then I waited till it was time for the football game. Of course, I couldn’t focus then, so I kept putting it off.”
He went on.
“Finally, I dumped all the pieces everywhere, and immediately started with my muttering and moaning … Then I started trying to figure it out without the instructions and wouldn’t listen when she tried to read them.”
He looked frustrated trying to explain but continued.
“Got some of it assembled, and realized one piece was on backwards, and then the swearing began.”
“Followed by how stupid the instructions were, jerking things out of her hand … Then walking away while telling her she was too hard to work with. Swearing and slamming doors … She waited till I went to bed and put it together.”
I commented.
“I am sure you were both glad that there was a finished project, so let’s start there. A nice desk together. Then let’s walk it backwards … what could you have done when you were frustrated instead of walking away, saying disparaging things to her, and letting the swearing take over?”
He pondered, “I could’ve said I needed a break and stepped away.”
“And when you were revving up with negative comments and jerking things out of her hands, what could you have done differently?”
He looked stumped, but then said, “I could have told her I was spinning internally and asked her to walk me through my emotions.”
I asked, “Could she/would she have done that?”
Immediately he responded, “Yes, she’s good at that stuff. She would have actually liked that.”
I continued.
“And when you realized you had a piece on backwards, what could you have done differently?”
“For once in my selfish life, I could’ve admitted I had made a mistake and made a joke by saying, ‘I guess I do need the instructions!'”
I queried what her response would’ve been?
“She would have laughed and been fun about it.”
“And what about all the dodging the project etc.” I asked?
“Just set a time, get focused, and keep it fun and simple. Now why couldn’t I have just done it that way in the first place?” he asked rhetorically.
I nodded and added, “Great thought!”
That’s diffusing emotion … and it’s a GREAT WAY to get on the path of emotional sobriety!
“To diffuse a feeling, especially an undesirable one, means to cause it to weaken and lost its power to affect people.” Collins
*****
We’ve been speaking for weeks about emotional intoxication and emotional sobriety.
Remember, it’s not just for addicts … it’s for all of us.
It comes with great benefits, such as better health, better mental health, deeper relationships, greater fulfillment.
I think it’s one of those shifts that would make the world a better place.
I hope you’ll join me in the journey to emotional sobriety.
Together, we can make a difference.
When you read this, I’m confident that you saw yourself and most of what you need to change in your close relationships.
It’s those close relationships that give our truest sense of peace and hope and stability and the great thing is … all we need to do is … pause every time … Until what we know we need to change starts to surface.
It’s that hard and it’s that easy … LET’S DO THIS!
