“We can’t even decide where to go for dinner without arguing, so how on earth are we supposed to do goal setting together?” the wife asked as we all three laughed.
I looked to her husband to see if he was in agreement…and he nodded.
I responded: “You both look like I had given you the difficult assignment of designing a plan that would win the Nobel peace prize!”
They both cackled as they said that they thought that would be easier than goal setting together.
I knew it was going to be a fun-filled session. And it really was!
When pressure, uncertainty, or the “same ole same ole” continue, there’s nothing that gives us hope like finding a trustful heart to share the burdens with and find wisdom that lifts.
Why?
Those are the moments when we discover we’re not alone.
That’s when we hear that others have similar strains too.
When that happens, hearts are lifted, and that relief becomes the joy and strength we need.
Don’t allow your struggle to isolate you.
Find a trustful heart with the wisdom to match.
I got them focused by talking about what benefits research has shown that comes to the couples who plan their year together:
- Strengthened connection.
- Improved communication.
- Feeling more of a sense of working as a team.
- Deeper conversations.
- Clearer understanding of the others’ hopes and dreams.
- Increased support for one another.
- Greater fulfillment.
- More resiliency after disagreements.
After I shared the benefits, with sincerity … the husband shared this while looking at his wife: “I think we could use all of those things, and now that all the kids are gone, I think it’s time for us to come together more powerful way!”
The tears in her eyes, the tender smile, and her reaching for his hand all confirmed and made for a very intimate moment.
I would like to share with you what I shared with them…in hopes that you will sow the same investment in your relationship.
And even if you’re single, it might be fun to do this with a sibling or a close friend.
Because the truth is, every relationship could use any efforts that would bring them closer together.
Although I led them through a longer process, I would suggest that these 3 things would certainly begin to deepen any relationship that is important to you.
Take some time together.
Turn off your cell phones.
The television.
Or anything else that might distract you.
AND … ease up.
Dedicate at least 20 or 30 minutes at a time to make significant progress.
Perhaps 20 minutes after dinner each evening … until you have completed all 3 of these steps.
It’s JUST 3 steps … you can do that/this!
You know you’re in love when you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.” – Dr. Seuss
1. Choose a power word for who you want to become as a couple.
In helping people design an extraordinary year, one of the first things I have them take time to consider … is … who they desire to become in the coming year.
I suggested the same thing to this husband and wife in my office.
“Take a few moments and discuss what you would like your relationship to become in the next year. To one another, and as a couple interacting with others.”
At first, they both looked like deer in headlights.
I waited.
Finally, she almost whispered, “I’d like there to be less harsh tones.”
He nodded in agreement and said, “And less arguing about things that don’t matter.”
I remained quiet.
As a question, not a statement, she suggested the word: “Nicer?”
He nodded, then added: “Agreeable?”
Then he made another suggestion: “Unified?”
With gleam in her eyes, as if she’d found a shiny penny, she blurted out: “Harmony!”
He nodded heartily in agreement.
“That’s it!” he commented. “If we’re in harmony together, we’ll be in harmony with our friends and family.”
“Great word!” I said in a congratulatory tone.
Find your word.
Then I had them do …
what I have individuals do.
Which is to write the word out vertically on the whiteboard.
(You can do it on a piece of paper together)
H
A
R
M
O
N
Y
Then I had them use the word as an acronym to create words and phrases that defined what they wanted the harmony to look like.
I suggested that they take turns with the letters as I handed her the marker to begin with the H.
She went to the board and wrote: “Heartfelt love and connection.”
She handed him the marker, and he went to the board to write beside the A.
He wrote the word: “Affectionate.”
It was clear that she was deeply moved.
They finished out the word and then I told them that preferably together, but at least separately, they should follow these steps with their power word for them as a couple daily.
Make YOUR WORD a new ritual for beginning your day.
Every morning, while you’re getting ready for your day, speak your word out loud at least a dozen times while moving.
Any movement to get your blood flow going will work.
I do it dancing.
It’s not just a silly little exercise. We know that with increased blood flow (best achieved with movement) things become deeply grooved into our brains.
There’s a part of your brain called the RAS (reticular activating system) where all our yesterdays are stored and running on loop.
With vigorous movement coupled with loud articulation (our reptilian brains only respond to our voice) we can overwrite old-ingrained-messaging and set our inner search engines for ways to fulfill what we’re saying out loud.
Another way to look at it is that it sets your new power word on auto pilot.
Say your power-word aloud at least a dozen times…
As you keep your movement going…
Then read all the words and phrases of your acronym of your power word aloud.
You can do this in 3 to 5 minutes or less.
(From my friend in AA. “The core of AA are the 12 steps. There’s no question that something divine intervened as the founders wrote these steps. Every practicing member in AA uses each of them over and over and over and over. They KNOW that repeating these simple steps as they need them have the power to change their hearts AND their brains!”)
We only need to devote a short period of time to set our brains to a new and powerful way of going through our days.
And our relationships will grow powerfully and substantially!
2. Set daily, weekly, monthly enrichment commitments.
I had my couple begin by dreaming about what they desired their marriage to look like over the coming year as it became a relationship filled with harmony.
It was fun watching them begin to dream together again.
I could tell it had been a long time.
As we neared the end of the session, I asked them, “How long has it been since you dreamed together out loud like that?”
They looked at one another inquisitively and finally she said with sadness, “Since before we were married?”
“I think you’re right,” he commented.
Then added: “Well holy smokes! We’ve agreed on something!”
I sent them home to continue the dreaming, and they returned with such a fun list of things. Things like:
- Taking dance lessons
- Each surprising the other with a long weekend trip
- Doing a daily devotion together.
“Excellent job guys!” I said with validation.
“Now we get to do the joy of setting ‘2mm’ goals that will fulfill harmony, and move you toward your dreams,” I instructed.
I handed them each a Crayola fresh out of the box.
I asked them to hold them with the tip facing themselves, and I told them that 2 mm was the size of the tip of the Crayola.
“I want you to begin to set some 2 mm goals…small things that will make a huge difference!”
They both smiled, approving the task.
I continued: “I want you to think of some 2 mm goals that you will do weekly, daily, and monthly that will move you more toward harmony and your dreams.”
There was a lot of fun conversation that I got to share with them.
But since I’m going to ask you to do the same, I will share with you a few of theirs to get you started.
2mm daily goals:
- Read daily from a devotional book together.
- Spend 5 minutes at bedtime sharing with the other what we are grateful for about them from the day.
- Saying a sincere ‘I love you’ and ‘what’ I love about you and ‘why’ I love you daily.
2mm weekly goals:
- Spend 20 minutes on Sunday evening evaluating the past week and planning the next week.
- Each taking a turn at planning a fun outing weekly (he would take the first Friday to Thursday of the month, and the rotation would begin.
- Take 1 dance lesson weekly.
2mm monthly goals:
- Each would choose an (I’ll do anything you’d like) day at the beginning of the month where the partner gets to ask for anything that’s not illegal, immoral, or outside of the others values system. And respond and participate joyfully.
- Go out dancing once monthly.
- Practice Safe Conversations at least once a month.
Spend some time with your partner planning some 2mm daily, weekly, and monthly goals to move you toward your power word and your dreams.
I strongly suggest a weekly meeting to evaluate progress.
There are 3 things that research has shown keep couples from moving forward at this point:
- Mismatched priorities
- Lack of accountability
- Inequity of efforts or commitment
I believe the weekly meeting can detour most of those challenges.
Let your dreams move closer as you make dedicated efforts to 2 mm’s!
“A dream you dream alone is only a dream. A dream you dream together is reality.” – John Lennon
3. Be intentional.
Nothing happens until you schedule it, because when you schedule it, you mean it, when you mean it, you’ll do it.
My couple was anxious to get started and returned this week for a ‘checkup’.
They were doing well overall … so we talked about how to keep them on track by embracing intentionality.
I shared this with them: “You know, some couples are more intentional about their presence on social media and their workout schedules than they are about their marriage!”
The looks of ‘shock’ on their faces took me by surprise.
“So … do you have a nanny cam?” the husband asked with trepidation.
The wife laughed and said, “The guilty dog barks first!”
He fired a retort …”I know I am ‘married to Facebook’ as you call it…but you and your workout schedule is more important than life!”
She blushed with a nod.
“Why is it that we know it takes time, energy, and planning to keep ourselves looking good on social media, or looking good from time in the gym? And we commit to it and make certain it happens. Yet we somehow think our marriage (or intimate relationship) is just going to enrich itself?” I asked rhetorically.
But the husband responded: “Perhaps because we each expect the other to carry the load of enriching the marriage?”
“Great response!” I validated. “But let’s set you up to be more intentional about your marriage than anything (other than your spiritual life and growth).”
“What is an intentional marriage? An intentional marriage is one where the spouses are conscious, and deliberately decide to build and maintain a sense of connection with each other. The emphasis here is on building into their relationship intentional rituals for connection. Think of it as creating a mindful marriage. If we are not intentional, we can become a couple on automatic pilot – with our crammed schedules, endless tasks always to finish, kids to care for, and ever-present television, media, and smartphones, these things will steer our direction. All of this activity creates less focus on our relationships over time, and therefore less connection, less spark, and less intimacy.” San Diego Institute for Couples & Families
I suggested to them as I’d like to suggest to you: “Let’s look at how you can be intentional with your friendship, your fun, and your intimacy.”
Friendship is about having a safe place to share your thoughts, feelings, dreams.
And getting the support you need.
Fun is about ‘recreation’ or re-creating the relationship.
Intimacy is about deep connection.
Growing together.
And of course, sexual intimacy.
Being intentional on an ongoing basis about those facets of your relationship will keep it secure, safe, rich, and hot!
We worked together on ways they could both invest in those parts of their relationship.
Intentionally.
Daily.
Above anything else that they’re intentional about.
What about you?
Adding the intentionality piece to your relationship will guarantee all the things research indicates come with intentionality…
- It moves you to seeing your partner in the best possible light
- It creates safety and trust
- It makes conflict resolution quicker and easier
- It increases libido
- It promotes quicker resiliency after disagreements
- It significantly lowers arguing
- It increases laughter and fun
Make a commitment that each of you will become more intentional daily in your marriage.
“Being intentional regarding your marriage means creating rituals that are shared activities that you do on a repeated basis (from daily to yearly) that have meaning for you as a couple. They can be small or big, splashy or simple, as long as they are a regular part of your couple life and the goal is to help you stay connected and keep your relationship healthy.” SDICF
*****
Your marriage and intimate relationships are worth the investment.
Just like we will all drift without a plan (to places we would not have otherwise chosen) the same is true for our relationships.
It is a worthy investment to spend some time planning what we would like to become and investing daily intentionality.
I hope you will work together with your loved one to set a course for richer relationships, deeper connection, and more fun and joy in the coming year!
The dividends on this investment will pay off even greater than you might expect!
If you’d like help working through this process, you can join my workshop: Designing An Extraordinary Year by clicking here: Designing An Extraordinary 2025
LET’S DO THIS!!
