“My wife has always said it, and my adult children have always said…that I ruin the holidays,” my client who I hadn’t seen in several years said remorsefully.
“I’m a granddad now, and I don’t want that to be what everyone says.”
I nodded with empathy and compassion.
He continued: “I know I’m not myself at the holidays. I don’t know if it’s leftovers from disappointing Christmases as a boy, if it’s the financial stress, or what…but what kind of husband, dad, or granddad would ruin everyone’s holidays?”
I nodded, and paused, then gently suggested, “Perhaps someone whose trauma revisits them during the holidays.”
The reddening of his eyes told me I had hit a nerve.
It is not unusual.
“As an adult child of an alcoholic navigating my way through the world in a healthy relationship and a functional household today, I can still feel my shoulders tense as the holidays approach. No matter how much time has gone by, the holidays still present triggers for me. The turbulence and disorder that were all part of my past holiday seasons come flooding back unwillingly.” Susan Morris
“But let me assure you of this!” I said to my client. “You don’t have to let trauma ruin your or your families’ holidays this year!”
I could see he was relieved.
“Although it’s not your fault that the holiday causes trauma to rumble, you don’t have to succumb to its luring,” I assured him.
The same is true for you, my friend.
And that’s why I’m writing to you this week.
Let’s make the holidays happy again!
I’ll be sharing with you how to make that happen.
1. Acknowledge what is rumbling.
If you have past trauma, whether from yesterday or 30 years ago, it will often come up during the holidays.
It’s code running 24-7 coursing across neuro-network that was encoded without your permission. Easy to access so take the road less traveled and do the hard thing…not reacting with your normal poison.
Our response to past trauma is normally things like…being a bit cranky, being withdrawn, being depressed, being anxious, or many other things empty of life.
If you sense yourself going there this holiday season, consider it a blessing!
Allow it to become an opportunity to look inside and acknowledge what’s beneath the surface fueling the crankiness, the depression, the anxiety… or however it shows up.
It’s always uncomfortable to do something that’s not us BUT is so desperately needed for the love of others.
Instead of surrendering to the trauma’s rumblings, go in and do a moment of healing.
“I would love to do that,” my client commented quietly.
“But I have no idea how to do that.”
“Well, I think that’s why you’re here and I’d be glad to show you how,” I assured him.
Here are the steps I led him through, that will be effective for you too:
- Look beneath your reaction and assess what’s going on beneath it.
- Name it.
- Do some self-soothing and self-healing.
- Decide how defy trauma with your choices.
I asked him.
“Can you give me an example from a holiday when you knew that you were doing things that your wife says ruins the holidays?”
After a pause, he responded: “Well, last year, I thought it was taking too long to open gifts, and so I got restless and grouchy, and eventually left the room and went in to watch TV.”
I asked.
“As you experienced the restlessness, the grouchiness, and leaving the room…what was going on beneath it?”
He pondered painfully then responded.
“Every Christmas was painful in our home. Dad had already had too much wine, and mom was her normal bitchy self. I just wanted out of there!”
I nodded with great compassion and understanding.
“Thank you for sharing that,” I said softly.
“Do you know how to self soothe?”
His puzzled expression told me he did not.
So, I inquired.
“If I asked you to write a letter to that little boy on Christmas morning to open up as a gift, what would it say?”
After wiping away a tear that escaped, he quietly said: “I’d tell him that I’d get him something other than socks that didn’t fit, and that we’d go have some fun on Christmas Day like other kids did.”
I waited.
After a moment he looked up with a little boy grin.
“So, he would like that wouldn’t he?” I asked.
“Oh yes!” he responded without a second’s pause.
“If you had stepped into the restroom when you realized that you were not your best self, last Christmas. And done that little exercise, what choices could you have made to go out and be with your family and defy that trauma?” I asked.
“I think I would have gone out there, moved closer to my wife, and maybe just reacted to everyone like how she was. Because I don’t think I know how,” he responded woefully.
“Do you think it would have made a difference?” I asked with sincerity.
“A major difference!” he exclaimed. “It wouldn’t have ruined Christmas.”
I know you can and will follow these steps to defy the trauma that disrupts the holidays for you and those you love!
Responding as usual is easy but it’s equally easy responding differently and nobody will think anything they’ll just know it feels right.
2. Be present. Very present.
“The second thing that I want you to focus on is being present. Very present!” I instructed my client.
“You see, trauma steals our ability to be in the moment, to enjoy the moment, and therefore to connect with those we love,” I explained.
He was all there before responding.
“You’re so right. It’s like I’m not even there. When my wife told me how I had been restless and grouchy with specific examples…I really don’t even remember that. But once she described it, it was like I had some sort of awakening and realized I had done that,” he responded.
“When trauma is rumbling, we are not present,” I validated.
“Here’s a little exercise I want you to do right now to learn to be present,” I shared.
“Press both of your little toes against the floor.”
I paused.
“Look at my eyes and look at the colors in my pupil.”
Another pause.
“Take in a deep breath and let it out.”
I paused again.
“Now, smile at me,” I instructed.
His smile was bright and sincere.
“I thought that was going to be really awkward at first, but it actually felt nice,” he confessed.
I explained to him that he could do this in any situation. But when it involved his wife, kids and grandkids…that he should consider a fifth step which would be to reach out and touch them.
Pat them on the shoulder, take their hand, give them a hug, whatever feels right in the moment.
If you struggle with being present, I hope you will practice these simple steps.
The love that you never got is the love you need to give to get that love you never got. Love is the only guarantee of getting back exactly what we give.
I often say and truly believe that the greatest gift you can give those you love is to be present.
Very present.
3. Go out of your way to make someone else’s holiday wonderful.
I said with a bit of a grin.
“Now that you know your trauma is likely to rumble at the holidays, I have two suggestions for you!”
“Should I ask?” he said with playful curiosity.
“First of all, get your backside in here and work on trauma resolution after the holidays!” I suggested with authority.
He nodded, knowing it was not the first time I had suggested he resolve his trauma.
I continued: “Secondly, I would love to suggest that you go out of your way to make the holidays wonderful for someone else.”
I shared that I had had the opportunity to live with the wonder of that very thing.
My mother had grown up in a home with an alcoholic father.
The holidays were filled with my grandmother going and pulling him out of bars before he spent all the Christmas money on booze.
Sometimes there were huge arguments when he got home.
She remembered the holidays as unpredictable, filled with tension, and never quite sure what may or may not be under the tree.
She spent her adult life making the holidays wonderful for others.
She made them magical for my sister and me.
But she also spent months preparing our home (inside and outside) for the hundreds of people who would come through and tour year after year.
It was known as “Sissie’s Winter Wonderland.” Sissie…was my Mom.
You can be delighted by her gift to others by clicking on these links:
https://www.facebook.com/share/v/1BFPR6MgLY/
“What can you determine in your heart to do that will make the holidays wonderful for others… And might I suggest you start with your family?” I asked.
“You took that right from my heart!” he confirmed.
“I think I will do something that my wife loves, and I would never dream of doing in front of my family,” he mused.
He continued.
“I think I will bring out my guitar, and lead us in some Christmas songs… Then sing her favorite one to her,” he said, with obvious fear but determination in his eyes.
What can you do to make the holidays? Wonderful for someone else.
Nothing defies trauma more powerfully than that!
Don’t allow trauma to rule your holidays this year.
“If blasting Bing Crosby at all hours brings you joy, blast away. There’s no shame in enjoying the holiday season, and many survivors of trauma still love this time of year. There’s no requirement that says all survivors must dislike the holidays, and many find that they enjoy this time of year when they’re able to spend it with their chosen people.” Kaylee Gillis
Take time to do things differently:
- Listen to music you like
- Spend time making others happy
- Be grateful for what is good in your life
- Dance
- Laugh
Whatever breaks up the trauma cycle.
And above all else, be present.
Very present.
And one more thing, let the love in that others are trying to pour into you … actually pour into you!
Happy holidays!
