“I know you’ve got some wild faith going on, and I just want to borrow enough to get through the holidays without my trauma popping up,” my client pleaded.
I totally understood, because I’ve had dozens come through my doors in the past number of weeks saying similar things.
Things that matter magnify during the holidays and times (and festivities) that matter.
Family gatherings become glass houses under microscopes.
Too often we and others place us under them.
It’s time for…
- YOU/ME/WE to become the grownups in the room.
- Agree it’s that simple and that complex.
- Refuse tp just wish ourselves the best of luck.
Most who struggle at this time of year, come into my office saying how they wish they could have a ‘great’ or at least ‘good’ holiday!
I nodded with great empathy at my client’s request.
Then I smiled as I remembered a moment during one of the holidays when I had my treatment center.
We had a little contest about who could find a way to turn the holidays into something fun, at least for a few moments.
And into something that would make a statement to their trauma.
A statement that TRAUMA was NOT allowed to RULE over the holidays.
I remember a group of 3 guys who got up and turned a fun Christmas Carol from Fa la la la la la la la la to Trau ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma.
Fast away the old year passes
Trau-ma-ma-ma-ma, ma-ma-ma-ma
Hail the new year, lads and lasses
Trau-ma-ma-ma-ma, ma-ma-ma-ma
Sing we joyous, all together
Trau-ma-ma-ma-ma, ma-ma-ma-ma
Heedless of the wind and weather
Trau-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma
It gave us all a moment of laughter.
However, without some careful planning, trauma can creep in and steal any fun, joy, and/or peace from our holiday.
- It can be like mental carbon monoxide.
- Tasteless, colorless, tactless.
- An unconscious poison to every noel.
As Dr. Frank Anderson said:
“Holidays are challenging for all of us; they’re even more challenging for those who suffer trauma. If we recognize our responses as our best attempt to protect us, are reassured that we have what we need inside of us to make good decisions, release what doesn’t belong to us, and rise above the actions of others, our trauma doesn’t dominate our lives or dictate our decision making.”
After sharing that quote with my client, I assured her that this year we could make sure there were at least some moments of love, peace, and joy in her holiday by following three guidelines.
Her response is probably a lot like yours if you have experienced trauma and have had it pop up during holidays.
“I’d pay almost any amount of money to have that be the case!”
I assured her that what I shared with her would not cost her anything financially but might require that she take a deep breath and do some things differently.
I hope you will be willing to do the same!
1. Surround yourself with people and situations that bring you love, joy, and peace.
“I just feel badly asking to spend time with people who might be contributing more to me than I am able to contribute to them at this time,” my client stated with deep sincerity.
I nodded with understanding, then responded: “But you wouldn’t want to steal a blessing from your friends, would you?”
We both laughed and then I continued.
“Why don’t you tell them that you’re trying to arrange some holiday time with the extra special people in your life that bring you love, joy, and peace. And you were wondering if you could arrange a time with them that does not interfere with their other holiday activities?”
She responded immediately with: “Brilliant!”
I nodded and suggested.
“How could they possibly resist?”
Many of us are reluctant to ask for time with special people when we are struggling.
But when presented correctly, those who are truly our friends will do their best to make it possible!
I also encouraged her to do some things to be around other people and experience their joy.
Go to a Christmas concert, a holiday play, or some activity where others will be having fun.
Most of us emerged from trauma with messages such as…
“Don’t be an inconvenience.”
Or even worse…
“You ARE an inconvenience.”
Not only at the holidays, but all year long, those faulty messages keep us alone and lonely.
Let’s agree …
At the holidays there’s that returning-churning inner dialogue that just comes with the advent season.
When familiar ruminations come calling, remember this … nothing changes if nothing changes.
If we can make note and challenge it … we change it. When we change it, we change-regardless of anyone else or anything else.
WE control the power to choose.
It’s that simple.
It’s that complicated.
Remember…our reactions may be justified …
But they only TAKE …
They NEVER have …
And never will …
Give us peace.
SO.
Smile and … shhhhh (zip it)!
If you have, or have had any of those messages pop up …
I invite you to defy them …
By realizing that you’re a valuable human being!
Even if you aren’t at your best…just having time with you can be a great blessing to others.
2. Give yourself permission to put the trauma on the shelf for a week or two.
I explained to my client: “For those of us dedicated to healing our trauma, it seems almost disloyal, and at least like a lack of commitment … to set it aside, even for a short period of time.”
She nodded firmly in agreement.
I continued: “Unfortunately, unresolved trauma never goes away. And … it’s totally acceptable to take a short break from it.”
She responded honestly: “I guess I’ve been worried that if I set it aside and got a bit of relief that I wouldn’t come back to it.”
With a smile, I leaned forward and said, “I admire your determination to heal. But unfortunately, trauma never leaves us alone. And if you leave it on the shelf beyond the short period of time, it will come up unexpectedly and bite you on the backside!”
She agreed: “I know that’s right! That’s happened more than once!”
I would suggest to you as I suggested to her:
Write a short note to your trauma.
- Inform your trauma that you are setting it aside temporarily, and you are putting it on ‘do not disturb’ (as you can do with your cell phone) until after the holidays.
- Tell your trauma that you’re determined to heal it. And that you will not stop until it’s totally lame and powerless in your life.
- Assure it that you’ll be back and refreshed to go toe to toe with it!
Let this play on you .. along with your favorite Christmas songs …I ’m on break from the noise that’s still tangled.
I’ll get to it right after the ball drops! But for now…give me “Joy To The World!”
When I take breaks from things I’m addressing, I go into my email scheduler, and schedule it to go out to myself … when my break is over.
The symbolism of all that keeps us on track!
3. Write yourself a letter in advance.
I shared with her: “So, to wrap up … Write yourself a letter, giving yourself permission to enjoy the holidays.”
Yes, sometimes we need permission to enjoy ourselves when we’ve experienced trauma.
(Read it out loud to your brain …
The power neuroplasticity is in us …
And those old messages are stored in our reptilian brain …
Which ONLY responds to OUR voice.)
One of the things that trauma often leaves behind is a restricted way to live.
It often raises the floor, and lowers the ceiling on our allotment of peace, joy, and love.
Making the window of what is acceptable very small.
It’s not only okay, but necessary to give yourself permission to live abundantly.
I explained to her: “You may need to start small, giving yourself permission to enjoy the holidays.”
With red eyes, she pondered aloud: “I’ve wondered for years why I cannot allow myself to enjoy my life. I had no idea that had to do with the trauma.”
“Yes, it does!” I validated.
“But after the holidays, maybe we should tackle whatever that belief is that the trauma left behind … and program your brain to move you forward to live abundantly. Lowering the floor and vaulting the ceiling to skyscraper heights!”
As she quietly considered the possibility, I could see a sparkle forming in her eyes.
I hope you will allow that possibility to sink deep within you and become a new expectation!
There are so many tools available now for reshaping our thinking patterns.
This stuff is real and powerful!
You can finally reclaim your life and live it!
I love reading the ancient writings that have such powerful words for this … like, “Exceedingly, abundantly above all we could ask or think!”
That’s my hope and prayer for you this holiday season.
That you’ll expect and live exceedingly abundantly above … with all the love, joy, and peace you could ask for or think possible!
*****
As this year comes to an end and we look toward a new year, I hope you will make the decision to live in abundance.
With abundantly rich and sweet relationships.
With abundant health and energy.
With abundant faith and belief!
With abundance in your finances.
With an abundance of fulfillment.
And with abundant joy, peace, and love in your heart and mind!
If trauma has set a high floor and low ceiling on living fulfilled and abundantly, I hope you’ll register for my workshop beginning on January 14 to break through those old trauma messages! Click here for more info on: “Breakthrough & Thrive in 2025: Healing Trauma Blocks that Prevent Designing & Believing for Your Most Extraordinary Year Ever!”
