“It was 10 times harder than I thought, but it was worth every bit of effort that I put into it!” my client reported after he did the first 3 steps with his wife.
I nodded, empathetically, knowing that it’s indeed hard.
Then I asked him: “What about it made it difficult?”
He processed for a moment, and I could tell he was volleying between a humorous response, and the real response.
He started with the humorous response, and I had to laugh! “I didn’t know I was going to have to be held captive to listening for 15 hours!”
After I laughed, I waited.
“Listening to the truth about what I did, and how deeply it scarred her.”
I could see by the reddening of his eyes that it had touched him deeply.
“I do know that is hard. And it’s often the very thing that keeps people from initiating the exercise. So, I applaud your courage,” I validated.
If you’re following along, and need to do the exercise with someone, I’d like to speak to you from my heart.
There’s no greater boost to your confidence, to your character, or to your future fulfillment, than to step into this opportunity to fix what you’ve broken.
(From my AA friend. Step 4 is where a lot of people quit. It’s the fearless moral inventory that you’re asked to author and then share with your sponsor. It’s holding a mirror up, not to your face, but to your soul. It’s uncovering, unmasking, and seeing the intent you’ve lived that’s walled you in a place of disrespect you’ve created. Nothing is harder and nothing takes more courage, and nothing brings more freedom than the willingness to see the truth about who you’ve become and do whatever it takes to embrace that humility. It’s that simple it’s that complex; finding “The courage to change the things I can”.)
Honestly, I grow weary of hearing people say things like: “I’m not responsible for his/her feelings.”
It’s true that you’re not responsible for anyone’s feelings, but that does not mean that you cannot be compassionate and a part of the healing process.
All these great “psychological platitudes” that allow us to walk away and leave another bleeding is the best definition of b*ll sh*t I’ve ever heard.
I’m not one who swears, and I don’t even say the words out loud when I’m doing the ‘Cotten Eyed Joe’. It’s simply my best effort to reach down inside you and call your best self forward.
I continued with my client: “Can you also share with me what you believe to be the end result after the first 3 steps… and what made it worth it?”
“It’s hard to answer because there was so much to it,” he began and continued.
“The first thing is … I truly believe she immediately looked about 20 times lighter! It was like a mountain had been removed from her chest,” he said with a bright smile.
I returned a sincere smile, along with gratitude for another testimonial of how this works (and from my worldview … how God works!)
“That meant something to me. I know the load she’s been carrying, and I hated seeing it … I know I ignored it for way too long!”
I nodded in agreement.
“But maybe the most important thing is that she smiles again. She laughs. It’s like the girl I fell in love with came home …” he said as his voice broke.
I must admit that I had to choke back my own tears at that moment.
-That’s why I do what I do.
-Because I know the difference it makes.
-In both people.
-In the relationship.
This week I want to share 3 more steps, that may have to be repeated multiple times.
But again, I promise that it’s worth the time, the effort, and the courage required!
1. Invite them to share their experience of the moment when something was broken. (The guidelines for you).
-I noticed my client gulp when I made that statement.
-You may have the same response.
-But stay with me as I set this up for you.
Some people prefer to do this with a coach, a counselor, a clergy member, or someone who would be committed to keeping them on track.
If you’d like that, I will be glad to give you referrals if you don’t have anyone in mind.
Here are the instructions for you (the one asking them to share their experience).
Do NOT initiate the conversation until you are fully willing and prepared to follow your guidelines:
- Ask for time to do some healing work with them and set it up thoughtfully.
- Sit with an open posture. (Arms uncrossed, no leaning back, no restlessness.)
- Maintain eye contact.
- Listen carefully, not just for words, but for feelings.
- Every 3 to 5 minutes at a pause, reflect what you’ve heard beginning with: “What I hear you sharing is…” (No interpretations, no judgments, no opinions, no comments, no corrections, even if you disagree with some of the data. It’s just data. Keep your focus on what’s broken in him/her. Just give a summary of what you’ve heard thus far. Not just with words, but with tone and sentiment).
- Then ask, “Did I get that right?”
- If they respond affirmatively ask: “Is there more?” with curiosity.
- If they add something or correct, reflect that back, followed with: “Did I get that right?” … Then ask: “Is there more?” (After each reflection until they say no).
- If they request a break during the process, grant the break. And you do something to refresh yourself as well.
- Come back with a good attitude, ready to continue listening.
- When they finish sharing … reflect, validate, and empathize. (Here are the instructions from last week if you need a refresher).
- When they say there is no more … REFLECT. VALIDATE. EMPATHIZE.
REFLECT. This is where you reflect back to them, what you’ve heard them share.
Not just the words, but with the same tone and sentiment that he/she shared them with you. Ask if you got it right.
VALIDATE. That’s where you begin with the stem sentence: “It makes sense to me that …”
That’s where you insert something that you learned listening to him/her. Or an insight you had. Or something that you had never connected the dots on previously.
EMPATHIZE. You do that with this stem sentence: “After listening to you share your experience, I’m guessing right now you must be feeling …” Then make your very best guess about what 3 feelings he/she might be feeling at that very moment …
It’s OK if you’re wrong. As long as you’re making sincere guesses from trying to look at it from his/her point of view.
Then you ask, “Did I get that right?”
If you did, then you move on. If not, you ask him/her to clarify. Then reflect that and ask if you got it right … until … you do get it right!
I assured my client it would be difficult to reflect back how his wife experienced him in those moments. But it is a HUGE and CRUCIAL part of the healing process for both of you.
And it’s ‘liquid-gold-healing’ to the marriage!
You can do this! And again, the results of it will plant deep seeds for amazing things in you (if done well), in the one who had something broken, and in the marriage!
(From my AA friend. “I drank so that love, joy, peace would come easy for me when in truth it was pure selfishness, so I’d never have to face why I needed to drink in the first place. The ancient proverb says, ‘Wine is a mocker’ which is to say it’s a cheap shortcut to temporarily finding the feelings that you refuse to freely find and give when you’re sober. It’s an easy out to never do whatever it takes.”)
2. The guidelines for the one who has experienced the brokenness.
Share these with your partner in advance.
-Assure him/her that they’re not your guidelines.
-But guidelines from a professional who’s done this with hundreds and hundreds of couples who’ve had amazing results!
Feel free to give them my email address should they have questions (DrNeecie@DrNeecie.com).
Likely … they’re the very ones who shared this with you in the first place!
Here are the instructions for them. I want to speak directly to them with what I write here:
I know it’s difficult sometimes to revisit a very painful moment of wounding or trauma. However, following these guidelines in doing so creates great healing for you, the one listening, and your relationship!
It is natural if you might feel like you’d really love to just ‘turn loose and erupt’ all over them!
However, extensive research has shown that that is neither healthy nor healing for either one of you.
We’re not interested in anything other than healing for you, the other (trust me, they showed parts of themselves in the situation that they’re not proud of) and your relationship!
Therefore, in recounting the situation, it’s important to follow these guidelines:
- Share and speak your experience as if you’re reporting something you’d witnessed.
- Speak in 3 to 5 minutes segments so that they can reflect and make sure they are hearing it correctly.
- That means no accusations or judgments. Just what you remember seeing, hearing, and feeling.
For example, you would not say: “I was in the kitchen, and you came in mad.” Why? Because “mad” is an assumption, a judgment.
But what you could say is “I was in the kitchen, and you came in and slammed the door, had a very red face, and sighed loudly! I assumed you were angry.”
- Do not call names or give labels. For example, you would not say: “You were a total *ss!” But you could say, “When I heard you ask: ‘What the hell are you doing now?’ I felt disrespected and demeaned, and I did not think I deserved that.”
- Take a break if you feel flooded. (If your heart is pounding, your breathing is fast, and/or you feel overwhelmed … your thinking will become clouded and distorted from all of the stress hormones.
- Ask for a break and go do something for 5 or 10 minutes to soothe and/or comfort yourself. (Go for a short walk, practice gratitude, lay down for a few minutes, drink some water).
- It’s absolutely acceptable to be emotional and to share your emotions as long as you’re not flooded.
- Continue until you feel like you’ve shared as much as you can for this session. (It is NOT your last chance …) It can be repeated as many times as needed.
You will likely feel drained afterwards, but I can assure you the healing has begun.
Give your partner about 5 more minutes for the third step, and then go rest … or do something that feels refreshing to you.
(From my AA friend. “I was programmed to numb feelings, to find those feelings that I numbed, to feel like I’d found those feelings, to feel like everyone else feels, so I’d feel ok, as I pursued those feelings. Conclusion of that debacle? Humility is the only way to begin making life feel like you’ve always wanted and needed it to. Surrender is a solo journey to you.)
3. Have a love song prepared to play and ask their permission to hold their hand or to hold them while you play it.
(Research has shown us, that listening to music while holding one another, or at least holding hands for at least 3 minutes releases healing hormones.)
This is a very important step, and it will require some preparation.
Knowing what’s been broken in them, takes some time to consider a song that might speak to them.
Perhaps to reinforce your love.
Perhaps to encourage them.
Perhaps to inspire them.
I always love hearing the songs chosen, why they were chosen, and the result of playing it while holding their partner’s hand or holding them.
If you need some suggestions to get the idea, here are some. But find one that speaks from your heart to theirs.
I Will Always Love You … by Whitney Houston.
I Honestly Love You by … Olivia Newton-John
Thank You for Loving Me … by Bon Jovi
All of Me by … John Legend
God Only Knows by … The Beach Boys
Make You Feel My Love by … Garth Brooks
I Knew I Loved You by … Savage Garden
God Gave Me You by … Blake Shelton
Because You Loved Me by … Céline Dion
When A Man Loves A Woman by … Michael Bolton
How Do I Live Without You by … Trisha Yearwood
Endless Love by … Shania Twain and Lionel Richey
Please Forgive Me by … Brian Adams
Healer by … Hillsong
Graves into Gardens by … Elevation
When they’ve finished sharing, reach for them.
Have the song queued up and ready to play.
Ask if it’s OK if you listen to the song together.
(Again … research has shown us that listening to music while holding one another, or at least holding hands, for at least 3 minutes releases healing hormones.)
Be present.
Working …
Pursuing …
Championing love …
Will take us out of our comfort zone to fill us with love’s purpose.
If they allow you to hold them, try to feel or hear their heartbeat.
(Research also tells us that in this kind of moment, your hearts come into sync.)
That’s healing.
Very healing.
“I know the song. It’s the song I sang to her at our wedding.”
He was out of his comfort zone but didn’t care.
“I’ll do this. It doesn’t matter how hard it is. It doesn’t matter how many times it takes. I’ll do this!”
(At the end of the song, remind them that you hope the drawing they did in your first healing session would look different. Keep making your daily entries on it! You will be using it again in the next set of steps).
****
It’s after sessions like these that I remember why I do what I do.
This may sound hard to you.
And it will be in some ways.
But may I ask you a question?
-Is there anything too hard to resurrect the love you once had?
-Is there anything too hard to heal what you’ve broken?
-Is there anything too hard to watch life being poured back into the one you’ve broken?
I know the answer, because I know you.
I may not know you personally, but I’m very aware that the people in my audience are those who have a deep desire to grow, to heal, to help heal others, and make a difference.
This is a moment that can and will change everything.
(We’re not finished … and you may have to repeat these 3 steps multiples of times. Which means a new song every time.)
At some point, GRACE will wash over the rest and complete the healing!
I promise!
