“I’ve had so much relief from draining my bitterness tank and my resentment tank … that I am MORE THAN READY to drain the carried anger tank. I feel different than I’ve felt my whole life, and I deeply want to give my wife and kids the foundation for an abundant life. Instead of a field of land mines to tiptoe around!”
I had been working with my client and his wife for weeks on emptying the tanks that fueled his BLEEP (anger). I responded to his opening comments with: “Well, it’s almost all over but the shoutin’ … so let’s get this done!”
What is BLEEP? Whatever you prefer to use the word for that falls into the category of anger, frustration, rage, being annoyed or irritated. Most people who are in denial or uneducated about the effects of their anger do not like the word “anger”. So I make it more palatable with the word “BLEEP!”
We’ve reviewed the health challengers for the BLEEPer, as well as and those exposed to their BLEEP (due to unhealthy levels of stress hormones that BLEEP induces). Everything from killing one’s libido, exacerbating depression and anxiety … to heart health challenges.
One thing I think we can all agree on … it’s time for it to STOP! STOP does not mean stuffing anger til it boils into a nuclear blow up. The answer is in draining the tanks that fuel your bleep. We have been examining this for weeks. If you have missed these blogs, you can start by clicking here: https://bit.ly/YourBleep.
We’ve looked at draining the tanks of resentment and bitterness, and now we are the 2nd of 3 part of draining the tank of carried anger.
- BE VULNERABLE ENOUGH TO EXAMINE YOUR CARRIED ANGER. DO A THOROUGH INVENTORY. IDENTIFY WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE. OWN IT. HOW IT’S IMPACTED OTHERS YOU LOVE.
- MAKE A DECISION TO GIVE IT BACK, THEN DELIVER IT BACK … COD AND MAKE SOME POWERFUL NEW DECISIONS.
- FILL EVERY CELL IN YOUR BODY WITH GRACE, LOVE, AND THE GOOD THINGS OF YOUR CHOICE.
What is carried anger? It’s anger that does not belong to you, that comes from one, two, or three of the following things:
- A parent or significant caregiver who was out of control with their anger.
- A parent or significant caregiver who was in denial of their anger.
- A home environment saturated in anger.
Here are the three parts of draining the tank of carried anger that fuels your BLEEP:
- Part I:
BE VULNERABLE ENOUGH TO EXAMINE YOUR CARRIED ANGER. DO A THOROUGH INVENTORY. IDENTIFY WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE. OWN IT. HOW IT’S IMPACTED OTHERS YOU LOVE. (To read this step, click here: https://bit.ly/DrainCarriedAngerPart1)
- Part II:
MAKE A DECISION TO GIVE IT BACK, THEN DELIVER IT BACK … COD AND MAKE SOME POWERFUL NEW DECISIONS.
- Part III: FILL EVERY CELL IN YOUR BODY WITH GRACE, LOVE, AND THE GOOD THINGS OF YOUR CHOICE. (Tune in for this next week!)
This week, we are diving into the three steps for part II.
I have a personal favor, and a sincere request for you. Even if you are on auto-pilot with your BLEEP and don’t realize you are sharing it with (more accurately, dumping it on) those who love you … PLEASE make note. Please get the tanks emptied before someone you love has irreversible health consequences, or worse yet, your relationship is destroyed.
I know you don’t want that. It’s not who you are.
Walk through the steps in every blog and let your vulnerability rescue you and set you free. And take the chains off those trying so desperately to love you.
Let’s get started with part II of draining the tank of carried feelings:
MAKE A DECISION TO GIVE IT BACK, DELIVER IT BACK … COD AND MAKE SOME POWERFUL NEW DECISIONS.
1. Make a decision to give it back.
“I’ve already decided!” my client responded enthusiastically.
I smiled and nodded: “Everyone says that until they know what’s involved! I hope you are right and we don’t have to have a rodeo. Because I will rope and tie you if I have to after getting you this far!”
I knew we needed a laugh to jump into this part of the journey
“This might be different and tough for you … but you can’t get this done just reading through my blogs, or thinking about it,” I explained to my client. “It takes hard work … and doing things out of your comfort zone … like WAY out of it!”
“I know that’s truth! There hasn’t been a thing we have done so far that has not been quite uncomfortable for me.”
“But the day you told me that if I stayed in my comfort zone … that was just fertiziler for my BLEEP! … I knew that day that every time you use the words: ‘your BLEEP,’ you’re really thinking: ‘your bullsh*t’!” he admitted that thinking that was truth.
“But so far, we’ve been batting 1,000. So get me out there in strange territory, and let’s hit another home run.” A great commitment on his part.
I did with him what I do with many people to prep him make an unstoppable, unchangeable decision. I suggest you do the same.
I asked him to identify the fire in his belly (the “why” … the benefits). He quickly named these:
- Better relationship in my marriage
- Better relationships with my kids
- I’ve already reduced my blood pressure meds, maybe I can get my doc to stop them
- More energy
- Less regret
Then I had him identify the “fire on his backside” (what negative consequences that might occur if he failed to drain the tank, or what he would miss out on):
- She (pointing at his wife) will dump me, and should …
- My kids will never come around
- My daughter won’t ask me to walk her down the aisle
- I’ll die of heart problems
- I’ll be a lonely, bitter ole man
Get ready, get ready, get ready! Get a fire in your belly and a fire on your backside … and let’s do this!
2. Deliver it back … COD!
I normally have people do these steps to deliver back there carried anger COD with letters. (NOTE: These letters are NOT to be delivered, sent, or shared).
Here are the steps:
Please don’t just think about the letters, please write/type them.
Write a letter to parents or significant caregivers who were out of control with their anger (even if they are no longer alive, or you have had a healing moment with them).
- Write what their anger (frustration, rage, etc) was like and how it affected you
- Write what their anger has cost you in your life
- Tell them you are no longer willing to carry their anger
- And that you will NOT continue to do it
- Tell them their anger has controlled your life and you must give it back to them
Write a letter to parents or significant caregivers who were out in denial of their anger (even if they are no longer alive, or you have had a healing moment with them).
- Write what their suppressed anger (seething with a smile, passive aggressive behavior, etc) was like and how it affected you
- Write what their suppressed anger has cost you in your life
- Tell them you are no longer willing to carry their anger
- And that you will NOT continue to do it
- Tell them their anger has controlled your life and you must give it back to them
Then write a letter to your angry household. A household bathed in anger, sometimes rage, and constant criticism, ridiculing or hostile exchanges. (Even if no one from that home is alive, or you have had healing moments with them since).
- Write what the angry household was like and how it affected you
- Write what the anger that flooded your home has cost you in your life
- Tell them you are no longer willing to carry that household anger
- And that you will NOT continue to do it
- Tell them the household anger has controlled your life and you must give it back to the household
With my client, instead of letter form, I did this with him with an empty chair. I set an the empty chair in front of him, and asked him to close his eyes and imagine whoever he needed to deliver back his carried anger to in the chair.
We began with his mother, who was always in denial of her anger. I asked him to imagine that she was there at the age she was when he was a teenager.
Then I gave him sentences where he would fill in the blank. He began slowly:
“Mom, your anger was so stuffed you had smoke coming out your ears. You had that church smile on, while rage came out your beet red ears. We weren’t so dumb to miss the fact that you were angry. And sometimes you were like a Jack-in-the-Box. Out of nowhere it would pop up and scare the hell out of us!”
“Your seething anger behind the smile was all been deposited in me, and I release it regularly. I love you, but I’m angry that all of that lodged in me, making me a constant BLEEPer!”
“I have to give it back to you because it makes me unpredictable. It simmers in me and gives me high blood pressure. I’m sick of all of it. I give it back to you! All of it!”
Then I had him visualize taking it out of him and handing it to her.
“Oh, I can’t do that!” he gasped.
“I told you this would be hard. It’s not YOURS! If you keep it, you are a thief!” I coached him.
“But if I give it back to her, it will destroy her!” he begged.
Softly, I said … “No, my friend. YOUR anger is a gift. You get the gift of power, strength and motivation.” It’s HER anger. It’s a gift to her. But not to you!
With hand motions, he put his hands up to his heart, and ever so gently handed it back to her: “I’m not trying to hurt you, Mom. This is a gift to you!”
He continued: “Your anger has controlled me! I give it back to you! All of it!“ Even if you are writing the letter. Say that aloud last part aloud.
Repeat it aloud until you can literally feel it come out of your body down your arm, out of your hand into the pen and onto the paper.
We moved on to the parent that was out of control of their anger.
When I had him imagine his dad in the chair, I saw something I did not expect. He was almost trembling in fear.
When I asked him to tell his dad how his rage had affected him as a boy and teenager, he began with anger in his voice. Quickly, the anger melted when he said: “Dad, you scared me to death. When your face got red, and you went into a rage, I knew you could kill me. Your beatings were brutal, and I feared for my life! And now I do the same thing! I hate me when I’m like that! And it’s not mine! It’s yours!”
Through sobs, he continued: “I’m angry that you gave me that for a legacy! And I give it back to you! All of it! … ALL OF IT!”
As if he had just played in an NFL playoff game, he slumped in exhaustion. After a moment of quiet angst, he raised his head, looked at his wife, and said: “I’ve been that man! To you! To the person I love more than anyone else on earth. I am so sorry.”
Obviously, another moment of tears, with great healing!
Then in the next session, I’ve had him imagine, bagging up all of the anger that had been in his household growing up. I could see by his expression and body language (even though he was quiet and his eyes were closed) that he was overwhelmed and daunted by the massive amount of anger.
“Honest to God, I’m going to need an 18-wheeler for all of these bags”. He was quiet, but his restless body language made it clear that the task was HUGE in his mind. With exhaustion and overwhelm, he said: “OMG … I’m going to need a fleet of 18-wheelers!”
I quietly affirmed him: “You’re doing a great job. Stay with it and get whatever you need to haul it all back.”
(If you are doing this in a letter, describe how much it is and what it is like as you “bag it up!”)
I had him visualize the fleet of 18 wheelers, pulling up in front of his childhood home, and paid workers beginning to unload the huge, heavy bags of BLEEP: anger, rage, frustration, annoyance, disgust, criticism, surliness, disdain, judgement, lividness … anything that even vaguely looked like anger.
I asked him to share what he saw.
“Well, it has now filled the front yard, the back yard, both side yards and the bags are being hurled up on the roof.”
When all was said and done, I had him say aloud: “I am leaving this BLEEP and all of its subsets here! It’s not who I am, but it’s how I have acted and re-acted. It’s not mine! GOODBYE BLEEP!”
Write your letters, say the goodbye at end of each letter aloud.
NOW … do NOT send any letters, but do something symbolic to let go of the BLEEP and all of its minions. Burn them, bury them, stomp them … whatever feels right!
You deserve the freedom from all of this BLEEP!
My client came back the next week, and was smirking with glee to tell me his symbolic move.
He had gone to Walmart and bought a whole bunch of little plastic toy18-wheelers. He went out into the field and put them amongst pieces of wood and twigs. Then added a little fire starter and set it on fire. He stayed until there was nothing but ashes.
He put the ashes in a Victoria’s Secret box and took them home to his wife. He told her it would be the greatest gift he had ever given her.
She reported rolling her eyes as she took the lid from the box. As she took the Ziploc of ashes out, she looked at him curiously.
Quietly, he told her they were the remains of the burned up 18 wheeler fleet of carried anger. But the real gift was in the envelope. Inside was a small sheet of paper that said: “Now we can book that cruise.” Something she had asked for over the years.
What can you do to symbolically return all of the carried anger?
You will be free, and you will become more loving and more loveable. Guaranteed!
3. Make some powerful new decisions.
“Here we go again! You’ve already scrambled my brain … so I surrender!” My client commented as he threw his hands up in the air.
“I loved it because it was a sign of pure trust!”
Curiously, he asked: “Decisions about what?”
I replied with a huge smile: “So glad you asked!”
“It’s time that you make the decision raise your standards!” I proclaimed.
“Lordy … standards about what?” he asked with a boyish grin.
“Standards about acceptable behaviors.” I announced.
“Oh … I get it! Like my angry bullsh*t won’t fly anymore?” he asked.
“EXACTLY!”
“So let me guess,” he interrupted. Write my BLEEPy and BLEEPing behaviors and commit to stopping them?”
“Close, but not close enough!” I retorted. “Let’s leave the old stuff alone and decide on new standards!”
“Okay, get me started!” he volunteered.
I asked him, “When your wife does something that bothers you or displeases you, what will you decide is your new standard?”
“To step away or zip it?” he asked.
I responded, “Close. But let’s make it more powerful. Own it, take a deep breath, then SAY you need to step away, but that you will be back in 10 to 15 minutes.”
I could see he wanted to try it out. “So something like this … ‘I’m about to say something we will both get BLEEPed by and it’s just my old bullsh*t trying to raise its ugly head.’ Deep breath in. Then … ‘Let me go for a short walk and I’ll be back in 10 minutes.’ Then come back with a good attitude and a mature way to address what bugged me if it’s really that important?”
“Excellent!” Ultimately, we made 10 new decisions that set his new standards. Here are 5 of them:
- Speak to her ONLY when I can do TREKy talk. (Only speak when you can speak:
Truth with
Respect
Empathy and
Kindness)
- Keep all audible sounds upbeat.
- Ask for time if I need a discussion about something and then show up with emotional maturity and relationship maturity.
- If I feel reactive, remain silent and without negative body language until I can respond in a productive way.
- Let love be my primary goal in all communications.
WOW! He got it!
What about you my friend? What new decisions do you need to make about raising your standards?
It will put you on the path of abundant life, love, and laughter. Isn’t that how we all would like to live?
Carried anger is an accident waiting to happen. It festers in you. Then you get annoyed, frustration or angry about things that are irrelevant.
Get rid of it!
All you have to do is follow the three steps above.
Not only will your health improve, but those surrounding you will get a health upgrade as well.
Your relationships, especially with your spouse, will have a whole new depth and intimacy to it.
You will like yourself more!
Dr. John Bradshaw, who was so powerfully influential in my own life, always spoke very directly about anger:
“People with toxic anger are prone to becoming stagnant. They are always guarded, lack the ability to be genuine, isolate to keep their secrets and are extreme in their need to defend themselves. Too often they lose interest in most everything, preferring addiction to really living.”
Don’t allow that to be YOU!
Draining the tanks that fuel your BLEEP will free you! And allow you to become who you were truly created to be!
Then you will REALLY LIVE …
And live the abundant life!
