A Caring Invitation To Your Loved One With Mood Swings
“I’m sure you’ve heard everything about me, and you already know what a mess I am, and you’re probably going to tell me I need to move on and stop damaging my life with my wrecking ball!”
My client that I’ve been writing about (who had a husband with moods that were swinging like a wrecking ball, leaving her feeling empty, afraid, numb)…at my request, asked him if he would be willing to come in for a visit.
He came in, probably looking around for the guillotine or a noose.
Quite contrary to his concern, I have great care and compassion for those who have moods that swing like a wrecking ball.
At the beginning of the series, I made a statement that I believe to be absolute truth:
People with these mood swings are not bad people.
Their struggle is real. The brains are an organ,
like their kidney, their heart, etc. and our organs get sick
and/or are challenged. The brain happens to be the command
expression center of who we are, every given moment. And
when the brain is unbalanced, we are too.
Because of this they’re often:
- Unaware of how their mood swings affect those who love them.
- Unable to grasp the damage they leave behind.
- How their unpredictability reaps angst caution.
- Just as baffled as the recipients of the wrecking ball about what on earth is going on inside them.
When working with their spouses, I like to meet with them (if they’re willing) to get a bigger picture of the dynamics in their relationships.
If you have a loved one, and you have been following my series, I’d like for you to invite them to read this. Obviously, we will need their help as we move forward to bring healing to the relationship.
Although I don’t get the privilege of getting to know them well, I would at least like them to hear what I love to share with those struggling with mood swings.
Don’t force them, simply invite them. Whether or not they accept your invitation will give you some clues about their willingness to address this issue in the relationship.
If they do not accept your invitation, I am hoping that perhaps they will still do the work that I will be suggesting next week.
It is not unusual that they may have experienced some stigma around the diagnosis, or even some shame. Our goal is to avoid all of that, and simply understand them, and set your relationship up for success.
If they are undiagnosed, but willing to participate, that would still be great. Just remember that…unless you are a professional, you are not qualified to do the diagnosis. But there’s nothing wrong with encouraging them to join you in something that could help your relationship become richer.
If they are truly dedicated and committed to the relationship. Who wouldn’t want that?
These are the things I love to speak about with those who have mood swings.
1. Your value and your identity is not determined by mood swings.
Thank you for accepting someone’s invitation to read this. The first thing I want to say to you, is that if you’re someone with mood swings…it’s not who you are, and it does not change your value.
You are in a judgment–free zone here.
I’m hoping you’ll let me share some things that will enrich and/or heal your relationship.
But before I go there, I’d like to assure you of several things.
Researching on Google about mood swings may do absolutely nothing other than to increase your shame or put more sting in the stigma of mood swings.
Yes, it says that relationships (where one or both partners have mood swings) rarely succeed. Yes, it says that you may be difficult at times. Yes, it says that mood swings can make you seem unstable.
But here’s what I know:
- You can be one of the rare relationships that not only make it but become rich and loving.
- You may indeed be difficult when you’re having mood swings, but with the right help, and sometimes medication, you can be difficult less of the time…and delightful more of the time.
- If people say you’re unstable or unpredictable, I know that stings. But what they’re really saying is, “Please be predictable more of the time!” It’s really a cry out to be closer to you, and to feel safer with you.
Please keep that in mind.
You are not a flawed human being.
You are not a monster.
You are not a bad person.
You are someone who has neurohormones and other neurochemistry that is out of balance. You did not cause it, and I’m certain you did not ask for it.
Of course, that does not release you from the responsibility of getting whatever help you need.
But you are more than your mood swings.
Research indicates that even a person with severe mood swings is ‘stabilized’ over 50% of the time. And you can increase that in many ways.
The top 3 ways to increase it are:
- Coaching, counseling, mentoring.
- Medication.
- Having a supportive relationship.
The truth is, that person that might drive you crazy at times (the same one that you drive crazy at times) can actually be one of your greatest assets.
I’ve been working with your spouse/partner over the past several weeks on getting clearer about what is happening; on healing; and on preparing to be the partner you need for an even greater quality of life. Not to mention a richer marriage.
These kinds of soul-deep changes can radically affect every area of your life for the better if you’re willing. These are turning point, healthy habit creating moments that transform us all by our determination, surrender, and belief in something greater than ourselves.
(A note from my AA friend in recovery… “Regardless of what is happening around me I will always have the prerogative, and the responsibility, of choosing what happens within me. I am the creator of my own reality.”)
From my heart to yours.
It’s not just what I do, it’s who I am.
I care about you.
I care about your marriage.
I care about your future.
Would you be willing to extend me just enough trust to read through this? And hopefully join me over the next couple of weeks?
Your partner invited you to read this because they love you very much. I always tell my clients that you, your partner, and I are unstoppable!
WE can conquer every mood swing!
2. Please understand that regardless of what your heart intended, swinging moods really can damage those who love you.
(A note… In the words of U.S. United Nations Ambassador …Andrew Young, “Speak without being offensive. Listen without being defensive. And always leave with their dignity.”)
“Here we go! I knew I had it coming!” my client’s husband proclaimed.
We both had a good laugh.
“Give me a minute before you misunderstand where I’m going with this!” I pleaded with him.
I’m pleading with you too.
Hang with me.
You’re not standing,
on a chopping block
so that we can list all your mistakes!
That would prove nothing.
[A note…If you’ve been a part of any team effort (FYI…marriage and partnership is a team sport) there are times you must take your ego off the chess board and shut up…OR…look the fool. In short…Does it have to be said? Does it have to be said right now? Does it have to be said by me?]
“Let’s just give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that your heart had good intentions,” I said.
He breathed a huge sigh of relief as if he felt that he might escape the guillotine.
I believe that in most cases there’s no ill intention to harm or damage your partner with your mood swings.
Then, with a tender voice, I asked him: “But can we both just understand that…regardless of your heart’s intentions, that perhaps your partner has been damaged?”
I’m asking you the same, my friend. No judgment. No accusation. And even though it’s hard, I know you would want to be a part of the healing even if you had damaged your partner accidentally.
Then I invited him to do something with me that I would like for you to do also.
I asked him if he would be willing to tell me about something that had occurred during a mood swing that had become a point of contention because his wife had felt hurt?
“Which one? Number 97? Or number 9097?” he retorted.
After a pause where his expression revealed grueling contemplation, he said: “Let’s just start with the one where I told her I regretted ever marrying her!”
OUCH!
I nodded and responded.
“Interesting. Because that’s the one she brought up as well.”
I asked him if he could join me in walking a mile in her shoes. What happened next surprised me. His eyes became red as he lowered his head and said, “Why am I so emotional about it? I didn’t mean anything by it.”
I assured him that I understood that he didn’t mean anything by it.
But with kindness and respect,
I asked what happened when he had said that to her.
I would like to invite you to remember what your spouse did at that “less than ideal moment” on your part.
“The scowl on her face melted into the expression of a little girl, who’d just been abandoned on the side of a road. She turned and walked out of the room. I felt awful.”
I nodded, and asked: “Then, what did you do?”
I could see by the expression on his face,
he didn’t want to answer the question.
But I waited.
“I’m pretty sure I just went and watched the ball game.”
I commented: “I’m sure you just wanted to forget the moment?”
“Exactly!” he said shamefully.
I continued: “How do you think she felt?”
His eyes became redder as he said, “The only words I know to use are: ‘broken in two’. I’d never seen that expression on her face, and I hope I never do again.”
I smiled softly and nodded: “Me too. And that’s what we’re working toward.”
I’d like for you to do the same thing, my friend, and imagine what you saw, and what your partner was feeling.
[A note from my AA friend who was touched reading this … “I was so convinced that all my motivations could and would help people. My mantra…they work…damn it! I believed if my intentions were good, it was their problem if it offended them. That self-will run riot played into my marriage. My wives did what their trauma groomed them to do too, and the guarantee that goes with two broken people holding onto their rightful motivations played out in the form of a sh*t-show every single time. I now know…whoever is upsetting me most is my best teacher. TRUE sobriety is emotional sobriety…down to the soul in ALL of us.)
I asked my client’s husband, “Did you go back and talk about it?”
“Naw! I just did my best to forget it.”
I leaned toward him with great compassion and asked:
“Do you think she forgot it?”
With a quivering chin, he shook his head, indicating he didn’t think she forgot it.
“Even though it hurt you to hurt her, do you think it might have damaged her heart?”
He looked up as a tear escaped his eyes and said:
“I hope to God not…but I’m afraid it did!”
I nodded and continued.
“And did you know that does not make you an awful human being? But it does gives you an opportunity to be a hero? And in the core of every hero is a responsible soul willing to own what’s necessary to own.”
He looked at me as if I must be speaking to someone else. He appeared confused. I continued.
“You see, just acknowledging what you did, and asking what you could do to help, changes everything in a heartbeat.”
I paused while he tried to wrap his brain around that. This was a good man, who struggled to process life in an authentic and empathetic way. Who was eager to make them part of who was becoming. (At least at that moment. And I believed we could seize that moment and make it part of who he was every moment of every day).
In his words, “When my mom died? I never cried…no need to.”
So, the one (his mother), the one heart that supposed to show him compassion, empathy, patience, kindness…was instead…distant, cold, bitter, reactionary. He could never remember one time, having his mother embracing and kissing him. Not one.
Intimacy, authenticity, and empathy were emotionally foreign languages to this grown man. But…he’s staying the course, pressing towards emotional soberiety.
I broke the silence.
“But it all begins with understanding,
that ‘perhaps’ your mood swings,
have caused some damage.”
I hope for you that are reading this, that this understanding can inspire you to go there with me too, my friend. To understand this is not about convicting you and sentencing you.
I say it a lot, but I’ve seen and stay attuned to the scientific data. As a doctor and it’s part of my job to stay current…and we now KNOW the science behind behaviors like never before.
The where, the how, the when, the what, the who of where we’ve come from, does affect everything about our life.
Much is that is NOT our fault. And NOTE of your choosing. But it is our responsibility to learn all that it will take to change and become our true Champion selves! Full of grace, serenity, and abundance!
And… it’s about having the sensitivity and the courage to see that the one you love may have been damaged deeply too. And the empathetic courage to move in close…and care.
He nodded and half mumbled: “I’m going to need some help with this one!”
I nodded too. And honored him. And assured him that’s what we were here for.
If YOU need some support,
in getting to that place,
get the support you need.
Get some coaching.
Get a mentor.
Get a support group.
YOU deserve this.
Your spouse/your partner and your marriage do too!
3. Be accountable, practice humility, and extend your hand in healing.
One of the things that happens when we’re in relationship with someone with mood swings is that we lose trust. That may seem unfair, but we cannot trust what mood you’ll be in. If it was reverse…would you trust?
That doesn’t mean you’re not a trustworthy person, it means we just need to work on trust. And the truth is, you might even struggle to trust yourself.
I’d like to begin this process by speaking of the ‘Anatomy of Trust’ developed by Brené Brown.
She uses the acronym B.R.A.V.I.N.G. to outline the components of trust. Each letter in the word ‘BRAVING’ outline succinctly all components of trust.
B – BOUNDARIES. In working on a healthy relationship, we’ll need to work on some boundaries. I’ve done that with your partner. And we will do more of it together.
R – RELIABILITY. We can only be trusted if we can be counted on.
A – ACCOUNTABILITY. We can only trust one another if when we make a mistake, or do something offensive … we own it, apologize, and make amends for it. That means no more just “walking away.”
V – VAULT. We can only trust if you don’t share information or incidences about others, especially about your partner that are not yours to share. That is also violated when you share with me information about others that was not yours to share.
I – INTEGRITY. Dr. Brené Brown says this is choosing courage over comfort instead of covering ourselves, defending ourselves, or explaining away ourselves. It’s choosing what’s right over what’s fun, fast, easy.
N – NON-JUDGMENT. We can only trust another if we’re able to ask for help. And not be judged for asking. All while understanding if we cannot ask for help, we cannot be trusted to help the other.
G – GENEROSITY. We build trust when we assume the best, and the most generous thing possible in our partner’s words, intentions, and behaviors. When we’re not able to do so, we seek to understand.
I’m a big believer that it requires a lot of humility to be able to do all of these steps.
“Humility is not about thinking less of yourself, it’s about thinking of yourself less.”
Although C.S. Lewis is often quoted as the author of this statement about humility, it has been denied by his publishing group that it originated with him. Ken Blanchard made a similar statement, and Rick Warren has used it in his books.
Regardless of the author, it’s a very powerful way to practice mature humility. Particularly, when we have mood swings. In mood swings, we’re always thinking of ourselves, and not nearly enough about how it affects, and sometimes damages our partner.
Not only is building trust a crucial part of healing relationships, as well as practicing humility…but also when we really love and care about one another, we always extend our hand in healing.
- -Healing occurs when we recognize our partner’s hurt.
- -Move closer instead of abandoning them in their pain.
- -Humbly have the courage and the curiosity to ask what we can do to make it right.
Learning to do this will not only heal tremendous amounts of damage, but it will create deeper and richer connection and intimacy. More than you’ve ever known.
True humility is not only caring and hoping that it will work, but it’s also not expecting anything by extending it to someone.
“When I begin to speak to both of you about your marriage, we will begin to talk about specifics, and how to do this.” I said as I closed the session with my client’s husband.
He responded, “Well, thank God, because right now you’re talking Greek to me!”
I smiled and my heart warmed because I knew with that statement…he was ‘all in’!
It may feel as if I’m speaking Greek to you too. When in actuality, these are things that we should all learn as early as high school, but many people never learn. They never saw it, heard it, felt it. It’s an unknown to them.
I will lead you through it, in my upcoming blogs. But as I shared with my client’s husband…your job for now is to:
- Practice accountability.
- Practice humility.
- Show up…ready to extend your hand in healing.
This will be powerfully healing for your relationship.
And begin to create the kind of…
Relationship you’ve always hoped for…
Relationship you deserve…
Relationship your partner deserves…
Relationship your marriage deserves!
Let’s do this…together! YOU KNOW it’s the truth…anything worth getting is worth making the right changes to get it!
One last plea to you, my friend.
If you struggle with mood swings and have not been evaluated for medication…I’d like to encourage you to do so.
Like we said…brains are organs…organs get sick…and need medicine. Neuroscience now offers cutting edge help for our brain health. The kind of health that you deserve.
Medication does not mean you’re weak. And it does not mean that there’s something wrong with who you are.
The truth is you’re straining because your brain is struggling to stay steady and balanced.
You’re likely doing the best you can…but…
-Why not make your life easier?
-Your spouse’s life calmer?
-Your marriage richer?
I’m not saying that medication will do all the work for you. But I am saying to you that it’ll make whatever work you need to do so much easier.
Another plea…if you’re on medication.
Please be compliant.
You may not be aware that it’s helping you.
But I promise you that your spouse will know.
If, on the other hand, you’re on medication that is not effective…go back and get reevaluated.
Medication for mood swings is not totally straightforward and simple. In some ways, it’s as much of an art as it is a science.
Get medication if it will help you.
Do whatever personal growth work you need to do.
And most importantly, turn towards your partner not away. They can be not only your best friend, but a huge part of your healing. That process will not only be healing to you, and your mood swings, but it’ll allow you to pour healing into your marriage…as you invite your partner closer as a healing partner.
In closing… think about this. The greatest wisdom every known tells us that thinking these things will do great healing to any brain:
“Finally,
Whatsoever things are true,
Whatsoever things are honest,
Whatsoever things are just,
Whatsoever things are pure,
Whatsoever things are lovely,
Whatsoever things are of good report…
If there be any virtue, any praise…
Think on these things.”
Love works every time…let’s do this!
