“I never dreamed I’d find myself sitting in a shrink’s office! I signed off on counselors long ago!”
His wife was as surprised as I was to see him walk in the door!
If you’ve been following my series on mood swings (that can feel like wrecking balls), she’s the client who gave me permission to use her story over the past few weeks.
And last week when I wanted to share my heart with her husband, who struggled with mood swings, he is the one who came in for one session. I wrote about him last week about sharing my heart with your loved one(s) who struggle with mood swings.
Now they were here for a moment together. A moment she believed she would never experience in her lifetime!
If you’ve been following, I hope that you and the one you love (who struggles with mood swings) will stay with me.
As I said early on, if you Google about marriages where one or both partners experiences mood swings, you will find that research reveals that rarely do these relationships make it.
However, I have also declared all along…that you can be (and I want to help you be) among the rare ones that not only make it, but enjoy a loving and thriving relationship!
Here is where we’ll jump in to begin healing in the relationship this week. But…
(Let me remind you that if your relationship is battered beyond repair, or there is active abuse going on, this is not for you. Get yourself to a safe place and do your own healing first! Then assess the relationship. Likely if there has been battering or abuse, your partner will need to be medicated and balanced before you consider reconciliation work).
“Strength lies in differences, not in similarities.”
Stephen Covey
1. Press reset with gratitude.
“Gratitude is the closest thing to beauty manifested in an emotion.”
Mindy Kaling
All successful relationships require time, energy, and dedication. But even those relationships are also subject to challenges.
One of the things that separates successful relationships (referred to as ‘relationship-masters’ by Drs. John and Julie Gottman) from ‘relationship disasters’… Is that the masters understand that they can press reset by practicing gratitude.
As a matter of fact, all relationships would experience great improvement if there was a habit of practicing gratitude on a regular basis.
“Why is it that we all resist doing that?” my client asked. Her husband immediately responded: “Probably because I don’t give you anything to be grateful for!?”
We all enjoyed a laugh together.
Then I explained, “It’s actually because expressing gratitude is a very vulnerable thing. If I express my gratitude toward you, it means I have let you into my heart enough so that I can see what I am grateful for. And then there’s a double vulnerability, because if I share it with you, it feels as if I am letting my guard down.”
They both nodded with understanding as I continued.
“But in my work with couples, I bank on them being able to guard their heart without making it a steel reinforced fortress.”
It’s exactly what I asked them to do, and what I am asking you who are reading this to do. Yes, it’ll feel uncomfortable at first, all change does. But let these small heart habits begin to build a new confidence for and in your connection with one another.
Remember those first day at school moments after a summer off? Any first attempt at exchanging or expressing emotions when you’re uncertain how they’ll be received, have nervous feelings connected to them. Until … you and the one receiving them know they are now a part of your relationship.
Take about 10 to 15 minutes to sit together quietly. I always like to suggest to couples to play some nice instrumental background music. Here are a few of my favorites:
I Will Always Love You
(https://youtu.be/jHw_gZKxUBI?si=Vlr0J3uu1_VL3ZOw)
That’s What Friends Are For
(https://youtu.be/_3A56u4PyBQ?si=8mb-seQtEpunjBXq)
God Gave Me You
(https://youtu.be/iTnpMjOHd7Y?si=KeDayM5OJEnp558V)
Spend those moments together, hopefully close enough to hold hands. Close your eyes and consider the things that you have to be grateful to your partner for. You can think all the way back to the beginning of the relationship, and hopefully you even have a few recent ones.
Get about 5 of those in mind.
Let your instrumental music continue to play softly in the background and share one of your gratitudes that you have for your partner, while making eye contact.
In my office after the 10 minutes of silence, I continued to play all 3 songs on repeat, as I asked the husband to share one of his gratitudes with his wife.
I asked him to look at her directly, with as soft and kind of an expression as possible, using his gentlest voice…to share one of his gratitude’s.
Although he appeared a bit awkward, he followed my instructions, and said, “I am so grateful that you have stuck with me through all of this.”
They both teared up, as I asked her to share her first one: “I have such great gratitude in my heart that you are willing to walk through this exercise with me.”
We were all very moved by the time they had each shared their fifth one.
I would like to invite you to do the same. And remember this, it is impossible for anger, fear, or sadness to live in the presence of gratitude.
As someone has so poignantly said, “It’s impossible to be negative and grateful at the same time.”
2. Let’s share our feelings.
“You cannot truly listen to anyone and do anything else at the same time.”
M. Scott Peck
Any relationship that has experienced mood swings have a plethora of feelings tucked away. Both people. The one with the moods, and the ones experiencing the moods.
This exercise takes some time and some separate preparation time. It’s important for you to do the gratitude exercise first because it prepares you for this one.
Although I had my couple do this in my office, after being assigned the homework…let me assign you the homework first.
For those of you who have been following the series, you have done a similar exercise in preparation for this. In case you missed it, you may find it here: https://bit.ly/StopTheWreckingBall
When moods swing, we either share feelings in inappropriate ways, or stuff them down deep. Both of those options present real problems in the relationship.
We are not going to name topics to argue over them. You’ve probably already done plenty of that. Neither are we going to discuss every moment that’s been difficult, because we would likely be here for months.
I want you to consider what you might identify as the top 10 moments in your relationship that were “less than ideal.” Or “catastrophic.” Or in-between.
Then I want you to take each of them, and put them in this format:
When you __________________________________________________,
I felt _______________________________________________________. Would you be willing to ________________________________________?
No judgment. Just identify what occurred. Name your feelings. If you can think of one thing you’d like to be done differently, or one thing that might heal that moment, ask for it in the “Would you be willing …” section.
Make sure that when you fill in the blank for the “Would you be willing…” that you name specific things. Things that you do want, not what you don’t want. And describe behaviors. All with kindness and respect … judgment free.
For example, I was recently working with a couple, and this is how the exercise began. The husband did well on the first part: “When you refuse to speak to me for hours or days, I feel alone, frustrated, and helpless. Would you be willing to stop acting so immature?”
Oops! That broke every rule. It was what he didn’t want, not what he did want, it was judgmental, and it contained no behavior changes.
We worked together, and he changed it to: “Would you be willing to at least text me and let me know that you need some time … and let me know when you think you’d be willing to communicate. And if it nears that time, and you need additional time, please let me know. Even if you need to send it via text.”
Perfectly done!
Do all 10 of yours, before you come together to do this exercise. And have them in writing. It will keep you from getting off track.
My couple returned with their list of 10 things, which I had asked them not to share prior to our meeting.
I gave them these extra instructions, the same ones I would like you to follow.
“We will go back and forth with this exercise. When your spouse is speaking to you:
- Make eye contact
- Have a receptive expression on your face
- Sit with open body language (no crossed arms, no raring back in your chair, etc.)”
My client’s husband immediately took his arms from behind his neck and sat up in his chair as we all laughed.
To the one reading the request, I requested that they:
- Speak in a voice showing respect and kindness
- Make eye contact (unless they needed to glance down at their paper)
The listening partner will not respond to the “would you be willing” question at this point. They will simply look at their partner, and after the partner had shared, they would thank them for sharing it.
We begin with the wife, because she had already done a similar exercise with me in an earlier session.
She began with a revised version of one she had used previously.:
“When you packed up everything you owned and were getting in your car to leave me and drive away drunk, and you said: ‘You are the reason I drink, and I am out of here!’ I felt guilty, abandoned, like a piece of trash you could kick to the curb, and hopeless. I was afraid you would kill yourself or someone else driving drunk or get another DUI. Would you be willing to sleep on it, and wait 24 hours, and have a healthy discussion before making decisions that would affect our marriage?”
I saw the redness creeping up into his neck as she read hers, although I could not quite tell whether it was anger, or shame.
Because his voice broke when he said: “Thank you babe.”
I assumed it was shame. Next it was his turn.
“When I was struggling with a mood swing, and you threatened to have me committed, I felt scared, ashamed, and humiliated. Would you be willing to help me develop a plan that would help us work through these situations, and to only using kinder words like ‘hospitalization’ if you think I need additional help?”
She nodded with great compassion as she responded: “Thank you for sharing that.”
A note to you who are reading this … If you don’t believe that the two of you have the ability to follow the instructions because of pent-up anger, or shame, please get someone to help.
A coach, a pastor, a trusted friend, but not a relative or family member.
This exercise is important, because when done correctly, it begins to break down walls, and sets the tone for a new, different, and vastly improved way to communicate.
At the end of the exercise, I gave them further homework. I invited them to each take the list that they heard from their partner (one of the reasons I asked them to bring them in writing), and to consider, which of the requests that they would be willing to meet …
I told them the goal should be 100%, but that might be a bit aggressive. However, I also encouraged them to not only select the easy ones.
Because the more difficult that they are to meet, the greater the healing to the relationship and the quicker the healing happens.
Interestingly enough, and although it wasn’t part of the assignment, they both came back with 100% agreement to meet all ten of them. Although they had not discussed it (at my request)…after he declared 100% yes’s… She said, “I already knew…because you’ve already done some of them.”
With a boyish grin, he nodded, and then added: “Well, you started meeting my requests, and I couldn’t let you get ahead of me!”
That might seem like a small interaction, but it was a giant step toward a transformed marriage.
Please do the exercise, get help if you need it, and expect transformation!
3. Begin to consider some critical agreement and decisions.
“The best way to predict the future is to create it together.”
Joe Echevarria
Now…with some of the feelings beginning to resolve, and some healing beginning to take place, there are a number of topics I assigned to my couples. I am assigning to you to take some time to consider them as well.
Here are the topics:
- Communicating non-negotiables
- Setting limits and boundaries.
- Making a plan for when difficult moments or mood swings occur.
Next week, I will be outlining all 3 of those because they are crucial.
But here’s the homework I gave my clients in preparation, and I’d like for you to consider also.
The purpose of this part of the process of healing the marriage…is to set it up for success.
None of us wants to talk about making a plan when things are bad. Our heightened emotions, filled with the brain fog and emotional swirling due to dumps of stress hormones…certainly make the timing not the best for planning. And then, when things are good, we want to enjoy it, and don’t want to rock the boat.
I totally understand that!
However, having these openly discussed, and coming to agreements and decisions, makes the marriage a safer place.
In my clinical experience through the years, I began to realize that this is something that very quickly moves couples into the category of the ‘rare ones that make it’.
Before you begin discussions with your partner, take some time to just consider things that you believe might be helpful for you. What are your non-negotiables (things that you cannot live with)? What are the limits and boundaries that you need? And… What would be a good escape plan when things are less than ideal?
Many times, if one partner does not have mood swings, they are afraid to set boundaries, limits, and plans. And the partner that does have mood swings, may likely say that they are afraid to ask for help.
Marriage is supposed to be partnership. Some give-and-take on both sides, but in a way that balances out … and moves you each forward into the best version of you. Which will create deep connection, and rich intimacy between you.
Please take at least half an hour to get quiet, eliminate distractions (cell phone, TV, etc.) and do some reflecting on what you need to take your relationship to the awesome place you desire it to be.
Recently I spoke with a couple who had attended one of my marriage seminars years ago. They reminded me of the assignment I gave them on Friday evening to complete before they returned on Saturday morning.
The exercise was to list everything their partner needed to hear about what they had done wrong through the years. But not to discuss them.
The wife said, “I stayed up for hours, and came with my volume ready …”
I had asked them to place what they had written under their chairs until later in the day.
She continued: “I remember when you got to the part about expecting the best from our partner. You said if we set our RAS (our reticular activating system) in our brain to reviewing all the “less than ideal” moments, all the mistakes made, all the moments of hurt … that our brain would oblige us and find them.”
She said, “Then later when you said if we set our RAS on the things our partner did right, all of the wonderful or magic moments, our brain would not miss one thing. But as long as it was set on the wrongdoings, no matter how much good they did, we would miss it.”
She bemoaningly continued, “I was so embarrassed by the volume under my chair that I wanted to crawl in a hole. He knew me so well, he could see my discomfort. He leaned over to me, and said: ‘I have to slip out to use the restroom, and I have some trash to dispose of…do you have any you’d like me to take for you?’”
She said, “I could have jumped up and hugged him at that moment! But he just quietly reached under my chair, and under his, and slipped out.”
“That moment changed our marriage. It changed me. I realized for the first time my mood swings were driving him crazy…I got on medication, I set my RAS to the awesome things about him.”
“And today, I love him more than I ever had! I’ve been reading your series, and I just wanted you to tell those who are thinking they just can’t make it… that it only takes a moment for everything to change!”
She paused with light in her eyes and proclaimed, “We are one of the ‘rare ones…and I am so grateful!”
(A note from my AA recovery friend… “Change happens when your every choice starts with a pause and then always doing the next right thing. If we do…that’s what we call doing life on life’s terms and how everything begins to change for the better if we do…it’s really that simple and that complex.”)
My hope and prayer is that you will join that couple in being one of the ‘rare couples’ that not only make it, but have a rich relationship. One by one, we can turn those daunting statistics around!
Are you in?
“Alone we can do so little; together we can do so much.”
Helen Keller
